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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Former friend with chequered past about to marry Saudi muslim...

162 replies

BelleDameSansMerci · 31/01/2010 18:16

...and I am genuinely concerned that she doesn't necessarily have the temperament for monogamy. AIBU to be so worried or should I just keep my beak out?

I should state that although I am not religious I do have a lot of respect for the Muslim faith and my concern is not that she has converted, etc, but that she will find it hard to live according to Muslim law in Saudi.

Background - we were close friends approx 9 years ago when she moved to Bahrain. She married English chap based out there. I went to wedding, etc. She was quickly unhappy and the marriage ended. She has since floated about from man to man and has now become engaged to a Saudi Muslim and is fully covered, etc.

She has always wanted a man who will provide for her financially so she doesn't have to work and is not great at taking responsibility for her actions. So, on the one hand this may be ideal for her but, on the other, I am very worried that her overly romantic streak and desire to be desired and adored by new men may prove disastrous if she is living in Saudi.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 31/01/2010 19:27

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bamboobutton · 31/01/2010 19:29

she didn't learn though. she is now dating another saudi. this ones different apparently

Judy1234 · 31/01/2010 19:36

And Saudi is one of the worst. There are plenty of Muslim cultures where women don't cover and are doctors and lawyers and fairly equal at home, in London and abroad but Saudi is almost as bad at it gets.

Coldhands · 31/01/2010 19:42

Oh god. OP YANBU. I have read many books (Princess by Jean Sasson etc) and I would be very very wary. Basically all the stuff that Riven is saying.

I wouldn't do it in a million years and I would be worried if someone I knew was going to do this. Too many western women lose their children to their Arab husbands, and have to fight like mad to get them back or there are obviously the ones who don't ever get them back.

Although it is different, look at the case recently where a woman was allegedly raped in UAE. When she reported it, her and her fiance were arrested for drinking and having sex out of wedlock, and she was a muslim. I don't think anything happened about her rape allegation. I couldn't live in any country like this and I know KSA are very very strict.

DuelingFanjo · 31/01/2010 19:59

so - if you marry someone and move to Saudi your passport is taken off you? That's the law?

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 31/01/2010 20:27

Riven - thank you so much for that link. I don't know how I'll get it to her without seeming to be interfering but there will be a way.

Thank you all for your posts. I was worried I was being an interfering cow.

OP posts:
nighbynight · 31/01/2010 21:00

She is taking a huge risk of being put in a very bad position. Together with teh lack of responsibility comes the lack of freedom.

princessparty · 31/01/2010 22:24

I would be VERY worried for her too.Has anyone read the book 'not without my daughter' about an American woman's experience of going back to her a muslim country (can't remember which one) with her westernised muslim doctor husband for what she thought was a holiday.Very scary stuff !

groundhogs · 31/01/2010 23:11

Betty Mahmoody's book is about Iran. A totally different barrel of fish. KSA, though, to me seems even scarier. I've lived in a supposedly moderate islamic country. It's not anything i'd wish on anyone but my fiercest enemy.

Somehow, once the men go back home, even after 20yrs, they revert to a previous state. You are very right to be worried about your friend.

Perhaps she's already au fait with the expat forums, i've 'met' british ladies that live in ksa, she could too, theoretically.

I've no idea how they come to terms with not being allowed to drive, go out on their own, make decisions etc. I did ask gently, about the day to day, but it seems they are not free to speak, and have to be careful what they say online etc.

mitfordsisters · 31/01/2010 23:12

YANBU, especially if your friend is the type to get restless in a relationship/ have crushes etc. The consequences of the marriage breaking down are dire; I think you should talk about it with her.

scottishmummy · 31/01/2010 23:23

she is adult.presume she has capacity.her call.as a friend you can tactfully raise concerns but don't expect her to accept

people do many things for complex reasons,sometimes emotions can over rule intellect

hope she is ok,but her decisions aren't your responsibility,be concerned but not overly burdened

GothAnneGeddes · 01/02/2010 03:08

Can we please not mention racist crap like "Not Without My Daughter" and Jean 'Harem Sasson.

If she's been out there that long, she obviously knows what she's getting into.

Not all Arab men are drones enslaved to their mothers. As for child custody, it is just as horrifying to a man, that in the U.K, he could be the one who loses all contact with his child

jasper · 01/02/2010 03:17

Goth, I am curious as to how" Not Without My Daughter" is racist crap

GothAnneGeddes · 01/02/2010 03:28

Jasper - Here you go:

www.film4.com/reviews/1990/not-without-my-daughter

www.ew.com/ew/article/0,, 20220193,00.html

jasper · 01/02/2010 03:34

second link did not work.
First one was someone repeating what you said without explanation.

Is it not a true story?

GothAnneGeddes · 01/02/2010 03:40

Firstly, Google is your friend.

Secondly. the film paints all Iranian as grim fundamentalist caricatures. Does that not sound slighty racist to you?

From the first link:

"painting the entire Iranian population as obnoxious, women-beating religious zealots and then goes down from there. Horrible. "

Does that not sound a bit racist to you?

Oh and here's some wiki:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_Without_My_Daughter#Controversy_and_criticism

jasper · 01/02/2010 03:42

I read the book.
She does not say ALL Iranians are ...etc.

She described her experience. Not remotely racist.
Her experience

jasper · 01/02/2010 03:45

Belledamesansmerci I would be seriously worried about your friend for all the reasons already mentioned

sarah293 · 01/02/2010 08:37

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porcamiseria · 01/02/2010 09:23

you are right to be concerned, if she cheats on him the law out there is not on her side and she will be toast. but TBH not alot you can do other than has has she though of X,y,Z..... worrying

crazycrazy · 01/02/2010 09:30

Goth makes a very good point about fathers' rights in the UK. Albeit that there is some limited redress through the courts here, it is the mother's perogative to take the children, passports and all, and deny contact with the father

Coldhands · 01/02/2010 09:32

Goth How can you call Jean Sasson books racist?! The Princess ones have been told to her by a member of the Saudi Royal Family. Its not her story, its all true.
Its not racist crap at all and I have no idea how you have come to this conclusion. Also Not Without my Daughter, how is this racist. Betty Mahmoondy is simply relaying HER experience in Iran, so tbh you have no idea what you're on about.

Morloth · 01/02/2010 09:40

Not a chance in hell I would do it (I won't even go to Dubai), but presumably she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions. Also if she has lived there for 9 years she must know the score pretty well by now.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2010 09:56

what does "wahabist" mean ?

sarah293 · 01/02/2010 10:28

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