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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like....whatever..... to the text I have just received

156 replies

Mumof · 30/01/2010 20:10

When I had a section with ds1 my sister in law wrote me a letter saying I had had a section because I had not tried hard enough She had not had babies yet. I was actually very upset as already felt crap about the birth.

She has just had another baby and this is the text I just received..

Baby x has arrived weighing blah blah.
Alllllll natural water birth. Mummy and baby 'perfect'.

Am I BU to think that is just, well, mean?

Can she be that insenstive or is it 'meant'? I really cant decide

OP posts:
mattellie · 01/02/2010 17:02

As would I. Anyway, who gives a t* how a baby arrives, it?s how you bring them up that counts.

bluecheesefiend · 01/02/2010 17:30

she sounds vile. ignore.

posieparker · 01/02/2010 17:31

funny how people talk about 'natural' and 'water birth' in the same sentence, we are not fish!

pofarced · 01/02/2010 17:40

Agree with edam. Loon from Loonville. I would avoid her like the plague, if possible.

pofarced · 01/02/2010 17:41

yes my ds would also probably have died if not for an em cs.

babyball · 01/02/2010 17:45

After 4 days of failed induction (2 of these days in labour) I had a c-section as I wouldn't progress after getting to 9cm dilated. My heart rate was the same as the baby's after a while and I got an infection. C-sections are bloody hard, invasive and a nightmare to recover from (in my experience). Your sis-in-law sounds like an ignorant idiot to me. She no doubt believes in the "too posh to push" argument. Nevertheless grin and bear it. If she mentions anything about how you didn't try again, go for her! She obviously has no idea how hard it is to go through that ordeal and attempt to recover. I am still not right 5 months after my son's birth. I had issues with the scar not healing. She sounds like a prize eejit who clearly has no empathy for what you went through.

Original poster
Mumof · 01/02/2010 20:17

Thanks guys, you have made me feel much MUCH better.

Problem is now....

My dh wants to go to his famiy side monthly gatherings where we all HAVE to go (by mils insistance) but I do not want to go atall anymore nor let the kids go without me and it has the potential to cause hassle between me and dh......what do you think I should do?

If I dont go Ill be guilt ridden as I want to support him but another family doo with them and my mil and Ill implode.

This time I dont think I can DO IT.

Hmm.

Dilema.

sorry garbled am tired

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 01/02/2010 20:22

I think you should rip up the letter and post it back to her with a note saying 'You can shove this up your capacious twat. Yours Sincerely, mumof'. I would genuinely do this, but I am not a very nice person.

pofarced · 01/02/2010 20:29

Monthly gatherings sound a bit much. What has your dh got to say about all this? Does he support you? If you are united just try to go and bear it, but every month does sound an awful lot.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 01/02/2010 21:14

I'd be tempted to comment too. I think she is out of order to say those tings... tho makes me a bit bad because today someoen was talking about maybe needing a section, and wanting a natural but being a bit scared as to the right coce, and I said, I hope it went successfully (naturally). They asked if I had a section, and I said, I'd managed to avoid one... words sometimes don't come out correctly (because I did narrowly avoid one, but it wasn't anything I did that avoided it). Might have to apologise. LOL.

Being Religious is not the same as having Faith. And Faith certainly doesn't mean we question someones birthing choices.

She needs a gentle back off, in a nice and well meaning way. I certainly wouldn't resort to cheap jibes. I know the sort, it would only strengthen their opinion of you. Be nice. The charm offensive.

Jix · 01/02/2010 21:36

I feel really lucky to have had a c-section - without it my son would certainly have died and I could have done too.
We're very very very fortunate to live in a day and age where doctors are able to help deliver babies safely.
Doctors don't give c-sections just because a woman isn't "trying hard enough". It's because there's a serious medical emergency.
An operation is never an easy option and you should have got EXTRA love and support to help you and your body recover.

Be proud of you and your lovely baby/child and just thank god we weren't around a 100 years ago!

As for your sister-in-law I think you need to keep a bit of distance from her emotionally. Try to hear everything she says as if it's coming from a long long way away -- someone tiny and small standing on top of a mountain. If you really tune in you can just about hear what they're shouting, but you can just as easily turn away and start doing something else!

Jix · 01/02/2010 21:49

and certainly don't feel obliged to go to the monthly gatherings.
for the next one, just book a weekend away for you and the family instead.

NestaFiesta · 02/02/2010 09:29

I can totally sympathise with you Mumof. You have much more restraint than me. My childless SIL told me I was too posh to push before my second section and I emailed her a response in no uncertain terms. I then got a response from her DP saying how much I'd upset HER! So I know how an injustice feels.

Go to the family gatherings and be as nice as pie to everyone and just avoid 1-2-1 conversations with the smug bitch. Let's face it, she was just lucky, she could have ended up having sections too.

Consultants wouldn't rubber stamp sections if it was juts a case of Mum not trying hard enough.

Original poster
Mumof · 02/02/2010 13:13

thanks guys

Heres my update

husband told his mum we cant go to this catch up but will see her personally before then with the kids for lunch or something...

oh my I feel relieved. I cant tell you how much so.

Thats the thing I cant even face the 'be nice as pie be, go and smil' I feel so over it for some reason...... I am soooooo relieved - for now anyway!!! I feel exhausted at this approach and as they wont change just want to step right away.

Thats unrealistic though isnt it?

OP posts:
bobthebuddha · 02/02/2010 13:26

well Mumof, just imagine the world of pain her kids are going to be subjected to. They'll be desperate to step away from this nutjob just about as soon as they're sentient. It's easier for you to do it than it will be for them

FootStamper · 02/02/2010 13:28

She is a fucking bitch. Text back and say "well I promise to visit you in hospital when your have a prolapsed vagina." I had an elective C Section so I didn't even try at all!!

wideratthehips · 02/02/2010 13:43

she sounds like a proper twat

don't give her any ammo and rise above it

if shes got to have a dig at you about the way she has given birth she is obviously insecure in areas of her life, leave well alone and take comfort in the fact shes a loon.....

i do think mums who give birth naturally are amazing though, i've had three and managed to get to 4cm before i'm on the ceiling in agony, but i'm not disappointed...ive got three children, thats all that matters!

NestaFiesta · 02/02/2010 15:32

Your husband did the right thing. Don't put yourself through a fake afternoon if you don't feel up to it. Sounds like you found the right solution. If its any consolation, I would be just as angry, she has been bang out of order. Its even more insulting when childless people lecture you on childbirth. Best of luck xxxxx

TheRomanceOfItAll · 02/02/2010 15:42

Good Lord, your sil is a deranged bitch. I would imagine that bil may not stay married to her for very long. Who could put up with such ill informed, nasty, small minded, cruel, bitterness for long? She will be directing her bile at him too, no doubt. It sounds to me like she is jealous of you, you must either be prettier, richer, have a bigger house or all 3 .

CirrhosisByTheSea · 02/02/2010 16:24

She sounds truly horrible. I don't see why you shouldn't step right back, if you really don't get on with them. I am not sure it's fair to not let your kids go with their dad to these gatherings though. You don't have to have a relationship with them but that shouldn't stop your husband and kids going.

MrsThePoint · 02/02/2010 21:24

Why does MIL insist you all have a famiy gathering with everyone. Is it so she can have you all over in one weekend so she can keep her others free?

I would say that you will still go to her's once a month so long as it is JUST your family. Say she can then have some quality time with just your DC, and then she can have SIL over on a different weekend and have quality time with SIL children too.

Make it VERY clear that the choice is this, or no visits at all. You are offering a compromise. Say you will be happy to go to joint family gatherings for big events like birthdays etc. but not as a matter of course.

Be firm. You do not have to go. Nor do your children, if their father is happy with that. If she wants to see them, she must accept she cannot dictate! Your DH should, and I would guess from what you have said, will, support you. All just IMO.

Wigglesworth · 02/02/2010 21:37

If that were my SIL she would have been told to fuck right off and I would NEVER have anything to with her ever again, what a grade A jizz rag she is, not fit to wipe your arse on IMO.
I wouldn't be going to visit folk that make you feel like utter shit just because they "insist", no fucking chance. You don't need that negativity in your life, family or no family.

troublewithtalk · 02/02/2010 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/02/2010 00:40

Your SIL is not a 'nice person who is trying' but gets is wrong, she is an evil cow who is desperately insecure and judgemental.

Also, I had a very long (~3 days), protracted, drug-free natural labour that I had to fight tooth and nail for. And I did that because it seemed pretty obvious to me that abdominal surgery was not the 'easy option' as it would make it more difficult to take care of a newborn in those first few days because of healing, and I'm terrified of 'losing control' which I associate with surgery and an epidural and whatnot. Those are my issues, and they made it such that a c-section would have required 'trying harder', does that make sense?

(and also I was fortunate that my daughter wasn't in any distress taking her own sweet time)

I mean to say, different people find different options 'easier' or, more to the point, right for them. I cannot comprehend judging someone else for theirs.

Did I mention already that your SIL is a cow?

skinsl · 03/02/2010 08:12

you can't live with this situation for the rest of your life.
I would tell her, get your facts lined up and rehearse a speech if you have to, but tell her she is not being a nice person.Do it calmly and efficiently

If it causes a rift, you can tell the rest of the family what she has done. They might be on your side. If not and it causes a rift, at least then you have a reason for not going to see them.

What are the rest of the family like? MIL?

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