Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like....whatever..... to the text I have just received

156 replies

Mumof · 30/01/2010 20:10

When I had a section with ds1 my sister in law wrote me a letter saying I had had a section because I had not tried hard enough She had not had babies yet. I was actually very upset as already felt crap about the birth.

She has just had another baby and this is the text I just received..

Baby x has arrived weighing blah blah.
Alllllll natural water birth. Mummy and baby 'perfect'.

Am I BU to think that is just, well, mean?

Can she be that insenstive or is it 'meant'? I really cant decide

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 31/01/2010 08:40

Just tell her the Sermon on the Mount makes no reference to those having caesareans not getting to heaven. You could add that the bible said Jesus walked on water but made no mention of her.

For the record, gas and air rocks!

Seriously, this is about her inadequacies; she is jealous of you I would imagine, that you are normal, have fun, and laugh together. The Royal Navy has rules that one should never discuss women, religion or politics. Tell her that you are adopting these rules now and the minute she starts, just tell her you don't want to talk about it, so she needs to change the conversation or go and bother someone else. The alternative is to just close her down by changing the subject yourself every time; or each time she's snide or mean, just say 'how Christian of you' in a sarcastic tone, or ask her for the chapter and verse in the bible that she is referring to; or you could do what I have done to someone who pisses me off, but I have to meet at family things....don't talk to her at all and go and find something to do in the kitchen. The message gets across.

CarmenSanDiego · 31/01/2010 08:53

Well, if it was just the text alone, I would say YABU. I told everyone I'd had natural births for two reasons - firstly because to me, it was something to really celebrate because I'd had an awful caesarean with my first birth and feeling good after a birth and getting the kind of birth I wanted was celebration-worthy. Also because when I planned my home waterbirth, there was a lot of misinformation around some of my circle about such things and I wanted to tell them I'd come through it well.

I think it is unreasonable for people to be offended by other people's celebrations. Even after my awful first birth, I was happy for my friends who got the birth they wanted. Maybe a bit wistful but definitely happy for them. I don't like people accusing others of being smug for celebrating good things in life.

BUT.. in light of the horrid letter she sent you, that was completely and utterly unreasonable and mean of her. It also puts her text in a completely different light. Sorry Best to just breathe and rise above it if you can.

lisianthus · 31/01/2010 09:02

Stupid woman. She's a rubbish Christian too. I love scaryteacher's idea.

I just can't get over the whole idea of the way she sees birth. Birth is just a way to get the child from the inside to the outside. She did that - so did you. You don't get a better quality baby or a gold star after a water birth, whatever she seems to think. Your births both accomplished exactly the same thing.

Why do you want a relationship with her? Wouldn't you prefer to have one with a nice person?

lisianthus · 31/01/2010 09:07

If she'd had an awful first experience like CarmenSanDiego, now that would be a good reason to celebrate having a natural birth, as she would be celebrating that her second experience was better than her first, not as a freaky example of oneupmanship like your SIL.

CarmenSanDiego · 31/01/2010 09:15

I don't quite agree with the idea that birth doesn't matter.

Birth stories are important and that whether you had a good or bad birth, you deserve to be able to talk it over, share your experience and emotions. But it's sensible to pick people to share it with who want to hear about it.

Is there a bit of a culture now (thanks to Facebook, mass-texts etc.) of just putting out rather self-centred messages without thinking of the listener?

CarmenSanDiego · 31/01/2010 09:17

To expand on that: I reckon Mass-texting is broadcasting. Personal texting is interacting.

I put a lot of pro-natural birth stuff on my facebook because I see it as broadcast space, but when I email individual friends, I take a more human/interactive tone with their feelings more in mind. Is texting the same?

TubbyDuffs · 31/01/2010 10:03

Sorry, long thread so only read OP and first page (lazy I know), so if already been said (and probably has 106 times already) sorry!

She did WHAT????? She sent you a letter telling you you didn't try hard enough. SHE IS A DICK and yes I am shouting.

Good God, I've had 3 sections (and yes we have already established that I'm lazy) but if anyone sent me a letter saying that I would remove them from my life, family or not.

What a cow.

slummymummy36 · 31/01/2010 10:23

She sounds delightful - NOT!

I think I know her type - there are sad similarities to my MIL and her reaction to both my emergency C sections with the additional comment on day 7 after arrival "Oh come on Slummymummy36 - stop milking it"!! When I took "too" long to get up of the sofa!!

Send the bitch woman a tool to help her pull her head out of her arse or a beautifully gift wrapped packet of Tena Lady!

Tsk!!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 31/01/2010 11:18

I'd be tempted to make some silly comment on how you're sure it's easier when you have more room down there to work with than you had.

edam · 31/01/2010 11:50

You do know she's an absolute loon? Don't let her poison worry you at all. A C-section is not a personal failure - it's a medical procedure carried out when there are damn good reasons. Would she consider herself inadequate if she ever needed her appendix out? Or if one of her kids had to have a tonsilectomy?

Just keep repeating 'she is a Grade A loon' every time you are reminded of her incredibly stupid comments.

She may put on an arrogant front to the world, but someone who spends her time judging other people for imagined infractions of some arbitrary, nonsensical rules cannot be a happy or secure person. If she felt comfortable in her skin, she wouldn't be worrying about how you gave birth, or whether her nephew is too busy playing to worship at her feet.

P.S. Scary's right that she's not a good Christian either - sounds more like a Pharisee.

coolma · 31/01/2010 12:02

Stupid cow. My first h's partner told my eldest daughter that she couldn't understand why i would 'need' an epidural with all my children - as it's only 'a few hours out of your life...' I wish I'd punched her.

She had pethidine however, which is 'different'

Fluffyone · 31/01/2010 12:09

I'm trying to find a good biblical quote to send her, just to remind her of some Christian values.
I think that there is a lot of power in learning to reject the negative that people send you. With a text message, delete it and don't reply. With a letter, return it to them, either with no comment, or something unemotional. A friend of mine was once devastated by a cruel and unfair letter sent by an (ex!) friend. I got her to fold it back up, write on the back simply "It's your journey" and post it back. When this nasty woman makes snidey comments in front of you just turn your back on her, start talking to someone else, leave the room. Eventually, if you can simply learn to ignore her jibes and reject what she dishes out, she will tire of her fun.

OrmRenewed · 31/01/2010 12:19

Cowbag!

God I'd be so upset. If that's how sisters behave I'll stop being sorry I don't have any

giraffeshavelongnecks · 31/01/2010 12:22

Just want to say, I have been lucky enough to have 2 natural births. (Didn't feel lucky at the time, they were bloody well excruciating and very frightening.)

I am embarrassed to admit that even 18 years after DS was born, I still have pelvic floor issues, even though his was a straight forward birth, and when he was 9 years old, I sneezed and totally pissed myself soaked my trousers. I was luckily inside my own house when it happened, but I've had other mother's telling me that wetting myself 9 years after a birth is disgusting.

I don't feel any more or less of a woman because of how I gave birth, just thankful that my DC are healthy and alive.

In fact I envy women who have had EC.

Your SIL doesn't sound like she follows a faith I would like to follow, if she is any example of her faith.

sarah40011 · 31/01/2010 12:33

when my sister had a c sec and then 'couldnt' breastfeed i thought she should try harder (i was childless at the time) but i never said that to her or made her feel bad for it let alone send a letter! wow what a mean woman. when i did have my son i was induced, had all the drugs and then a c sec! i also gave up breastfeeding after two weeks so now i understand my sister. shame the experience didnt enlighten your SIL. id say put her out of your mind and focus on you and yours. seems she is a bit sad and pathetic but you'll never change her. and yeah i agree, she'll be waiting a long time for that medal haha

CarGirl · 31/01/2010 20:17

THe other I forgot to mention yesterday.

Hmmmm c-sections and instrumental assistance aren't they part of the reason why the maternal and infant death rate has fallen dramatically since 100 years ago????

So all those women who did die in childbirth a 100 years ago clearly weren't trying hard enough either, even though the were fighting to deliver so they would live

June2009 · 31/01/2010 22:18

Did she send you that letter a long time ago? (ie too long to react to it now?)
I think I would have to say something back to her.
I would demand to know what motivated her to write the letter and what she was trying to achieve. (and that all she has achieved is you having a very low opinion of herself, was that was she was going for??.)

ooojimaflip · 31/01/2010 22:32
ooojimaflip · 31/01/2010 22:34

Sorry, it's kind of a pavlovian reaction to 'whatever'

mitfordsisters · 31/01/2010 23:02

What a bagface she sounds. Ignore her as much as you can

SnotBaby · 31/01/2010 23:23

Mumof she sounds like a right barrel of laughs, I bet people flock from miles around to bask in the glow of her generosity of spirit.

The very best way to deal with this IM very extensive E is a two-step process:

  1. Make an active effort to love what you have and the challenges you have overcome
  2. Give less of a shit about her (this will follow naturally from (1)

Repeat in ever increasing circles!

boundarybabe · 01/02/2010 10:09

I am gobsmacked that anyone would think a letter on 'not trying hard enough' was an appropriate response to a cs.

Easy option? Really? Being told DS was in distress and then having major emergency surgery with 10 minutes warning followed by 6 weeks of being unable to even lift anything properly - yeah, that was a right barrel of laughs.

What a bitch. I am so for you I can barely type!

mii · 01/02/2010 10:14

The letter sounds horrible

Buuuuuuut I always add how the baby was born to birth announcment texts purely so we don't get 100 people phoning as soon as they get the text to ask how x was born

MrsTittleMouse · 01/02/2010 10:21

Cargirl - that's exactly what I thought - what idiots all those women who died in childbirth must have been! If only they'd "tried".

twoistwiceasfun · 01/02/2010 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.