to think there's a case for complying with a DH's sexual fantasy,even if you're NOT really up for it?

[WashwithCare]

Had lunch with some friends today, and this was the discussion.

20 years ago, I would have said NO WAY - sex should be totally mutual, pleasurable to both etc...

However, now I'm not so sure. My mate's H has hinted he would like to try X. My mate is OMG - NO!

However, she says she is still thinking about it... DH has been her love for 10 years. He has supported her. Never minded having virtually no sex for 2 years after a difficult birth and PND. Told her she was gorgeous and supported her fully every day....

So she is pondering whether he "deserves" X for super good behaviour - and because (we know he is the most faithful H ever) he is not going to get it ever, less she relents!

So I started off saying NO WAY - but as she spoke perhaps think her position isn't that unreasonable... But I am huge and hormonal... so what do I know!

Self harm by proxy? interesting. I find it empowering and extremely sexy. My DP on the other hand is so we don't do it, well hardly ever.

I don't know WHY i like it, i genuinely don't. I don't find rape fantasy arousing at all.

there are biological reasons why people like strangulation and pain during sex. something tot do with chemicals being released. i dont know enough about it to be able to give it any justice in my explanation.

The LPSG is genuine and there is a need for it.
I am no virgin but there was a guy i simply couldnt have sex with. his penis was HUGE!

we tried a fair few times, it wasnt through lack of being turned on or relaxed, we tried everything. (trust me i wanted to)

he was just far far too big. I wasn't the first person that he had had the problem with.

He had inly ever managed to have full sex once despite a good number of girlfriends and attempts
*-+

Have i gone too far? I surely haven't killed the thread???

Dittany, thanks for the apology

However, I have just gone back and read upthread and my posts did come across as more jovial than I meant (I blame the rose), so you were not totally out of order to pick me up on it

I do think though that these late night sex threads sort of get a mind of their own and go off on all sorts of tangents, so perhaps you might be best to stay away (like you said you usually do )

sick stuff aside, I personally do get a laugh out of something like the large penis support group thing

it's because it's full of deluded individuals and is actually funny in a stupid way

although you wouldn't like some of the attitudes towards women , these men are like idiotic caricatures of the worst kind...

Oh. My. God.

Mumsnet is just hilarious sometimes.

DH is convinced we just sit on here talking about little ones and laundry....

LucyEllensmadmummy
Self harm by proxy? interesting. I find it empowering and extremely sexy.

Yes me too and not self harm at all - no harm in it at all as long as everyone is happy and is played safely. I like to do it and have it done to me: Interesting as i am mainly a sexual sadist and dominant...... it takes all sorts i guess but erotic asphixiation is intensly horny in the right context.

I really do resent the opinion that somehow all women in porn or those who indulge in submissive or masochistic pl a desperate victims. I know a few women on the fetish scene , performers who do quite extreme things by all accounts and they are anything but. The octopus thing is also really common and is a recurring stage show at Torture Garden in London for instance, it is often done in conjunction with japanese rope bondage (usually by two women actually) and although it yucks me out this kind of porn is on the outer edges - it's more of a freakshow. As i have said, blame Bizarre magazine (mostly read by pubescent boys) for this explosion. I also know a women who does self bondage and then sticks needles and hooks in herself (and sometimes others) - not my bag particularly but actually she is a pro dominatrix and really a wonderful self possessed creature that travels the globe and has a happy settled relationship. She is not self harming either.

And no, I don't think you have gone too far at all - I think you make very salient points in your posts.

< picks up knitting >

< turns Come Dine With Me on >

< tunes out >

Human beings instinctively avoid harm unless those instincts have been damaged somehow.

erm, I don't think it has to be damage actually Dittany - I think there is a very erotic element to pain and the trust that one gives to another when they cause it - i don't think you have to be a fucked up bunny to like that stuff, just different strokes for different folks no?

no, i dont think its natural at all dittany - sorry, not picking a fight, i am very interested in your pov as i really don't know why, i personally, like that sort of thing.

Not sure what you mean by body memory

No trauma in my past either - unless ive blocked it out

I did go and buy a flogger, thought i might like that - um, well, i do in theory - but in reality no - not really. It um, HURTS!! lol. However ONE time, DP must have got it right because i was begging for more - I could feel my blood raging, my heart pounding, the adrenalin and endorphins must have been on overdrive. It was amazing - never been able to do it again though, no damage done, no marks just a red bum But i did manage to get that feeling on quite a few occasions since and that was using my cross trainer - i would push myself and literally stagger off the sodding thing, collapse on my bed let my blood rush and relax, it was quite a buzz, not sure THAT was very sensible though. So its a physical thing.

We don't really do anything like that now - novelty wore off?? DP not comfortable with even pretending to hurt me and that is too much to ask of someone, im sure you will agree.

Not sure why im telling you this on here, people wont talk to me, they will think im a weirdo.

Just trying to offer my experience as a positive one

Tarty, i don't get the octupus thing, i mean - ewwwwwwww germs!!!

However, i think it would make a good bush tucker trial!

is it dittany? do you wear earrings?

thing is, self harm and pain for pleasure, are two VERY different things

dittany - the world is not only black and white. Fair enough if this stuff doesn't float your boat, but this doesn't mean it's ok to be judgemental about those who do enjoy it.

madmummy just to be clear i always do one when this show is on as it massively grosses me out - this fetish really has been predominantly a japanese one and i don't get it - perv wise they do like a lot of extreme things.... even pics of the octopus thing makes me gag - they put it in their mouths!...... horrid horrid horrid

and dittany - some people get extremely turned on with the needles and hooks - again not my thing at all (i really am a big standard perv to be honest) but the needles thing is again quite common on the perv scene - the people who i know who indulge are not self harmers in the psychological sense (i think that is where i draw the distinction) it is about pushing the limits and feeling the endorphins rush. I think you need to think about what you are saying here - a lot of people indulge in piercings and tattoos and branding but are not self harmers - it is about the rush and the pain.

I have to come in and say that no, self harm and Pain for pleasure arent different.

The rush of endorphins (i think) when someone self harms is exactly teh same as the ones you gett when your spanked or whatever. they self harm to get that rush. mayeb for different reasons, but they do want that same feeling.

and i enjoy a bit of mild BDSM so thats not meant to be offensive. just clarifying a point made

dittany, do you think that sexuality (more specifically, sexual fantasies) can be intellectualised?

Can one be convinced not to find something arousing through a convincing intellectual argument against it?

Genuinely interested in your point of view, not trying to bait you

I do know other words apart from 'convinced' by the way.

Dittany I'm interested in your take on pain and re-enacting trauma, what makes you say/think that? Genuinely curious btw as I find it relevant to me.

I think most BDSMers are probably reenacting early trauma that they've forgotten about. That's why it's so compulsive and so overwhelming.

Now Dittany, you have really overstepped the bloody mark with this dumb ass comment - actually there is absolutely nothing to say that this is so - it may be your assertion but it based on fuck all facts - that sort of shit really annoys me. find me the research that says so. And of course you are entitled to an opinion but please make sur eit is informed and not classifying at least 3 people here as damaged people reenacting something dreadful.

I have been in a violent relationship, does that mean i am dominant to revenge myself or does that mean i am submissive because i think i deserve it - i was a perv long before the violent relationship.

It is perfectly plausable to be into a bit of pervery and not be damaged goods - i absolutely resent that you imagine that this is the case. I do it because i like it not because i am compelled to do it by some deep seated trauma.

You must also ask yourself, are those so opposed to something they actualkly have no idea about what way because of some deep seated trauma - much more likey isnt it??

I am very pissed off.

I definitely think that what someone has a sexual fantasy about can be completely changed by the sexual imagery and social roles they are exposed to. That has to be the case or you wouldn't get very different sexual interests in different countries.

You only have to look at the huge explosion in slash, and how that has altered the content of tv shows in order to appeal to women, and how that has led to even more interest in slash, to see that people's sexual interests are changed by the media and society.

I also cannot see much difference between wanting to be harmed during sex and wanting to self-harm.