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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to go to university?

256 replies

WashwithCare · 19/01/2010 20:50

Chatting away on an unrelated issue, I uttered the immortal words "when DD goes to universtiy"... another mother immediately jumped in. She chided that I couldn't just "assume" DD would either want or be able to go to university..

DD is 3 and has just started pre-school. However, I definitely do ASSUME she will go to University, and not just any University, but a "good" one to boot. Preferably to do a 'proper' subject.

AIBU?

OP posts:
violethill · 20/01/2010 21:03

or even pregnant!

Original poster
WashwithCare · 20/01/2010 21:04

Aussieng already told you
Wed 20-Jan-10 18:02:25
keep up

OP posts:
cory · 20/01/2010 21:10

Problem is, if someone who hasn't got the talent or the interest ends up going to university, they are quite likely to end up with no degree and a lot of wasted money.

Oh, I forgot...nobody ever fails their degree, do they? Silly me.

cory · 20/01/2010 21:11

Seriously wondering whether my nephew would have found it easier to set up his carpentry business if he had been loaded with student debt and had a degree in modern languages. And it's hard to claim that his job isn't autonomous- he's the boss.

tispity · 20/01/2010 21:16

well, i don't see why we have to bother our dcs with talk of FE at such a young age - they simply do not understand what it is all about so it is unfair to burden them with the expectation.

"students who are only there because Mummy said so and because it's expected of someone from a privileged background" - i was one such student. as far back as i can remember (and pretty much obsessively from age 12 onwards) , i only ever wanted to marry dh and have children and i knew that was the only thing i wanted out of life. however, i did not want to disappoint my mother so i won the scholarships, got the strings of A grades, did the Oxbridge and City thing. my mother was sorely disappointed when i announced my first pregnancy and completely in despair when i told her that i would not be going back to work when dd was 6 months old. only this week she commented that she fell upon an old essay of mine and thought it was "such a waste of a brilliant education".
your desire for your daughter to attend university will continue through well beyond this happening, just like it did for my mother. it will not make for a healthy relationship as the stakes are raised with each enhancement to the CV. at one point, i worked for the top firm but my mother was obsessed about the fact that i chose the wrong area of specialisation and was disppointed that my team was based outside the Olde City (even though all the other parts of the firm later moved out). it never ends, honestly

MillyR · 20/01/2010 21:17

I think one of the main problems is attempting to study at a level that you have neither the aptitude nor the inclination for, and ending up with mental health problems as a result.

Doing a degree is stressful. Many people are not suited to it at 18, but often find that it is for them at 25 or 30.

Portofino · 20/01/2010 21:33

Some dcs aren't necessarily of an academic bent though. I would say the important thing is that they stay in "education" until they have sufficient skills to earn a living. That might be Uni, that might be a vocational course.

In these days of everyone wanting a degree, there might be a shortage of plumbers or decent hairdressers in the future!

I probably wouldn't be happy if my pfb wanted to be a lap dancer or similar, but I will encourage her with everything I have to gain the necessary skills for what SHE wants to do.

LittleMrsHappy · 20/01/2010 21:41

I will encourage my children that education is important, and that they can follow any career path they choose to go down with our blessing, be it skilled or manual, or trade.

However I wont tolerate laziness or no motivation going down their chosen career path.

Its not for me to decide what my children future is, its them, I can only guide and hopefully not pick up the pieces.

Wolliw · 20/01/2010 21:50

YABU
If she might be able to, but doesn't really want to, not when she's 18 or 19 anyway, then you will end up pushing her to do something she is doing out of obligation or a sense of duty.

This could really mess with her head and screw her up for many years if not life.

My parents told me we were all (3) expected to go to university.

I'm now getting over it and applying of my own free will at 33. If it was never pushed on me, I might have been sucessfull when 18 - 21.

All you can do is support your children in whatever they do.

CreditCrunchie · 20/01/2010 22:02

This thread is just so "Mrs Bucket"...

piscesmoon · 20/01/2010 22:06

I agree with you, LittleMrsHappy.

tispity · 20/01/2010 22:08

mind you, fastforward 15 years and there will prob be PHDs in hairdressing from the University of Mickey Mouse

TiggyR · 20/01/2010 22:19

YANBU at all. By the time your DS is 18 even our dogs will be expected to go to university. Though all the exceptionally clever people will leave school at 12 and quietly get on with running the world while the rest of us are all gettin ejikated.

GothAnneGeddes · 21/01/2010 00:03

WWC's spelling mistakes have already been noted, but will no one think of the apostrophes?

I've yet to to see her place one correctly in this entire thread.

frakkinaround · 21/01/2010 06:52

I've been thinking and rethinking this and actually I do kind if assume my DCs will go to university eventually. Maybe not at 18, maybe they'll study a non-traditional way, but I assume they'll be interested enough in learning to go on to higher education.

That doesn't mean I'll ever voice my assumption to them or anyone apart from DH (or here in the hypothetical scenario) which may be where you went wrong! IMO building up an assumption and vocalising it at the age of 3 indicates that you will continue to assume and expect and, as several people pointed out, those expectations will only get higher. So YABU to publicly assume, YANBU at all to hope.

The 'proper' university and 'proper' subject point it interesting though. What if your DD wants to study abroad? Would you expect her to turn down the Sorbonne or Harvard or Brown for the RG? And what is a 'proper' subject anyway?

frakkinaround · 21/01/2010 07:00

Oh and the point about an easy passage not makbg one value the experience - so true in my case. So don't make it to easy for your DD by assuming she'll go, assuming she'll get in and assuming she'll graduate because down that road lies regret for one of you one day. Either you realising she doesn't want to go, her resenting you for making her go, you because she didn't live up to all your assumptions or her because she's fed up of living to your assumptions. The more you do right the harder it is when you don't want to.

sarah293 · 21/01/2010 08:00

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sarah293 · 21/01/2010 08:02

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piscesmoon · 21/01/2010 08:18

I believe that for any DC, Riven. Childhood is short. I wouldn't expect laziness or lack of motivation, but I refuse to heap my expectations on my DCs. I leave them to have their own, I guide and help.
Most adults that I know who have been pushed down a particular path by their parents end up having a mid life crisis and throwing it all off and doing what they wanted to do in the first place. Your DCs are not an extension of you and it isn't in your gift to choose what they do.
I find it best to encourage and support so that they have the widest choice possible, but leave the choice firmly up to them. At 3 yrs there is no need to even think about it-much less assume!

piscesmoon · 21/01/2010 08:33

I find it very sad on here when you get people asking what their 3 yr old will be asked in an interview so that they can 'prepare' them! I would guess that people like Einstein would have been turned away by selective kindergartens!

TiggyR · 21/01/2010 09:32

WWC is not preg with her first child, merely her first child with her current husband. This will, in fact, be her second child. Keep up please.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 21/01/2010 11:26

I think it is almost impossible not to project your expectations onto your child.

If that wasn't the case, there would no link between parental characteristics and their children's behaviour. That is far from the case.

I suspect there's probably a little dishonesty on the thread too... what parent would be equally happy with whatever choice their child made? OK, so it may be OTT to insist on a very specific course - such as following in Mummy's footsteps and doing law... but I probably wouldn't think (as long as she's happy) it's great if she decided to live in a yurt and have babies, rather than go to Uni at 17.

But anyway - this "it's her life" business vastly over-simplifies the process of raising childrne. We build expectations in children through our everyday practice - by the things we do ourselves, the choices we make for ourselves and our family and the experiences we give our children.

The choices she makes as an adult, are in part a product of the childhood I have constructed for her. My expectations are intrinsic to that - and I couldn't be value free if I tried.

Anyway - all interesting stuff.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 21/01/2010 11:55

This reply has been deleted

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JemL · 21/01/2010 11:58

Haven't read the whole thread but am delighted to find I went to a Russell Group university - I had never heard of this before today!

However, I couldn't get a permanant job for two years after graduating, and I now earn peanuts in the charitable sector. I do love my job though.

I honestly don't have any expectations of what either of my DS's will do, I'm just excited about seeing them grow up and finding out what choices they make for their lives.

Litchick · 21/01/2010 11:58

I must admit to finding all this 'have no expectations' odd.

I was brought up on a sink estate. No-one in my family had ever taken A levels never mind gone to uni. All the men were miners or factory workers. The women brought up families.

My Mum, said no way. My DD is going to be educated. She is going to university.
She started putting the odd quid aside from when I was a baby.
She read to me. She taught me to write. She took a job as a cleaner in a nursery so I could go.
When all my school mates were leaving school to get jobs, she worked on a market stall in the freezing cold to keep me in school.

I think what she did was utterly fantastic.

So why when a middle class person has the same aspirations is it wrong?

Humour me, here, cos I must be thick.