To DEMAND the birth I want not what I have been told I can have??

[BigMomma3]

No am not selfish or reckless or irresponsible btw, but as this WILL be my last baby (4th) I want a good experience without the intervention of harrassed midwives and arrogant doctors that I have had before. I hate the feeling of losing control over what to do with my own body and my experience of staying in hospital after birth has been terrible . I have been told I am high risk so will have to give birth in hospital, cannot use birthing pool etc la la la. The reasons I am high risk are:

1. Previous pre-eclampsia at 39+5 weeks (1st baby 13 years ago) so was induced with no pain relief (too terrified to have an epidural), very painful, midwife telling me to quieten down and trying to get me to lay on my back with legs in stirrups (most indignified way to give birth ever). Pre-eclampsia may or may not happen again, even 'low' risk women can get this.
2. DD2 had serious problems which we found out about at 30 weeks so was stillborn after doctor did a sweep in induce labour(again doctor grabbed my legs to get me in stirrups, telling me that I should be looking forward to having this baby (did not bother reading notes before she came in) . Now they have put down that I have a history of premature birth due to this when it was initiated on purpose . Obviously any problems with this baby would be picked up before the birth so it's really irrelevant.
3. History of twins (DSs1&2) - why does that make me high risk? Obviously I would not go into labour not knowing whether I am having 1 or 2 babies so that should not really affect the birth either.
4. Previous c section - that was elective due to twins being in wrong places - nobody will know if I will need one again until the last few weeks or so of the pregnancy.

Obviously if I have any issues with blood pressure, heart rates etc I will do as I'm told but I object to being told by my midwife 'oooh I doubt they'll let you do that' when I said I wanted as 'back to basic's' a birth as possible with an ideally, HOME VBAC water birth. So AIBU to march into my consultant's office next week and tell him how I want it to be and stick to my guns unless problems arise that need intervention??

Damn - meant to hit 'preview'!

This will be my 5th baby not 4th .

I am so sorry for your lose of dd2

I thought you didn't have to agree to any intervention?

I thought you had a right to a home birth?

I can't see the problems you've had had anything to do with giving birth, more just 'conditions' iyswim.

BUT, should you develop a 'condition' (pre-eclampsia, need for c-section) then I am assuming you would agree to intervention?

Why not go in to the app and say 'if path 1 happens (pregnancy is normal, no problems) then I would like VBAC at home but if path 2 should develop (condition develops) you would take the intervention necessary.

I sympathise with your position, and I would absolutely refuse stirrups.

Had cs for No1 (pre-eclampsia) and natural for No2, in fact I was squatting, and it was so much better than being on my back!

YANBU whilst not down playing the importance of professional hospital staff and all, I honestly can say I would NEVER EVER put up with the awful experiences I've had before. My first birth was so horrible even now 11 years later I feel cheated and tearful when I think about it. From the moment I arrived they seemed only concerned about 'speeding up' the birth, and I ended up with my legs in straps after been threatened that if I didn't start pushing harder they'd have to bring in a 'bossy midwife.'

So I think you're right to demand something better and more natural if you've had bad experiences before. Stand by your demands.

I really feel for you, Bigmomma.

From experience, I would say try and get all this anger out of your system - I had to fight and fight to get a HB with DC3, and as a result really struggled emotionally.

You don't have to demand or fight. This is what I found useful: "Thankyou for your opinion and advice. Please be assured that I have listened to what you have to say. My decision is xyz, and that is what I will be doing."

I had to write to the hospital with DC3 stating that I understood there were increased risks with a post 42 week pregnancy, that my asthma carried increased risks and that I would still be having a home birth. I spoke to Beverly at AIMS (I think it is) and she was wonderful, so kind. And I found the pro-HB MW on the community team who backed me up.

The doctor I saw (once, in the whole pg, at 42 weeks) was worse than useless and did nothing but shroud waving using out dated and inaccurate research. I just kept repeating the mantra (thankyou, I hear you, here is what I am doing.) Next time I think I won't even bother going to that appointment, there was no need.

So anyway, after all that, feel free to email me if you want any info or support or owt x and I hope you have a good birth.

Thank you Muppet, that's what I thought until the midwife said they will have to take the previous problems into account and I would definitely be disqualified from using the birthing pools in the maternity unit if I give birth there.

Obviously if any conditions arise, I would do as I am told but after my conversation with the midwife, I have visions of me flat on my back confined to the bed, strapped to a heart monitor, not able to move around with my legs in the bloody air (like my 1st birth) and am already getting stressed about it and I'm only 13 weeks!

This is such a difficult situation to be in.

On the one hand you are high risk with your previous history (so sorry about your DD). On the other, I can see why you would not want to repeat your horrendous experiences.

Can you not go to a different hospital?

(I lost my first DD. With my DS they kept asking "is he your first?"
The hospital I went to for DS2 was fine but wouldn't let me go back for DD2 as I was high risk so I refused to go to the local hosp and chose another which was great).

Truly, best of luck with whatever happens.

Stick to your guns.

I had DD in a midwife-led birthing unit. I had "AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE" on the front of my notes.

My consultant, who I have only ever seen on television, thought I should not be in the birthing unit after a previous PPH due to a retained placenta.

The manager of the birthing unit was quite comfortable with me being there provided we agreed certain things such as when to call for help if the placenta had not arrived. The theatre, etc, were only one floor upstairs!

Apparently her advice didn't count as medical advice???

I think as long as you have realistically weighed the risks and know what you are doing it is fine.

I'd like to know how having pre-eclampsia and the need for a c-section in the past means you can't use the pool???

If you don't present with either of these situations then surely you are a 'normal' delivery?? I can see then need for extra monitoring re dd2 being stillborn but if you develop no problems during pregancy and dc5 is okay then what's the problem?

Seems like they are covering themselves should anything go wrong.

I agree with NaccetyMac.

Thanks all - was feeling as if docs may think I AIBU but I will be strong.

NaccetyMac - that's good advice. I will start repeating that mantra in my head when I see the consultant and you're right I should not get stressed about it. I will not demand it, I will just state what I want (unless complications arise).

Feel calmer already!

I know it's easier said than done. But it's one of those things - you can't go into labour and have a good, natural birth if you are producing loads of adrenaline and getting ready to fight or fly!

It's definitely worth looking at the AIMS and homebirth websites, they have good advice and support.

Muppetgirl,

I too was told I could not use a birthing pool after a c-section. I was told that this was because there is always the possibility that the womb can rupture along the cs scar during a subsequent natural birth and that getting a labouring mother out of a pool could cost precious time if this happened.

Even if you do end up having to be induced, there is no reason why you have to do the whole antiquated stirrups approach. I was induced and I don't even know what stirrups look like, I was encouraged to walk around even though carefully monitored, I was allowed to have a hot bath in the early stages- all the creature comforts really.

exactly as naccetymac says, there is no need to get into a big argument/drama about it - do the research, decide what you want and if it is a hb you just state that's what you're doing, repeat as required. long 'pregnant' (sorry couldn't resist) pauses are also useful weapons when you're told something you're not happy with

can you get an experienced doula for the birth? would really recommend it for a vbac

There are women in developing countries who would just be glad to give birth in a safe environment.

All this New Labour entitled shite really pisses me off.

Can you switch hospitals?

well that was helpful and incisive, richard.

I went into my first consultant appointment convinced I would have to put up a fight about wanting a home birth die to circumstances several years ago - as it turned out, he was actually quite sensible, and saw my point of view - still on for home birth at the moment.

Just calmly put your point across, and be willing to compromise on some things, but also know what you are entitled to and what you aren't willing to compromise on.

Good luck with it all, and congratulations on your baby.

sorry, due to circumstances...need to clean the keyboard.

You need a doula. I am so sorry for your loss.

RichardGere, your post is spiteful and irrelevant. There are plenty of women in developing countries who would be glad to know where their next meal is coming from, doesn't stop people in this country worrying about making sure their kids get a healthy diet.

BigMomma has every right to refuse medical intervention if she wishes as long as she is conscious and competent to make decisions. And any doctors and midwives involved in her care have a professional and legal duty to treat her with dignity and respect her wishes.

BigM, you sound entirely reasonable to me. Sorry you've been so badly let down in the past, hope you get better treatment this time round.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss too. That must have be an awful experience.

Agree with previous posters - AIMS is a good starting point - have you considered using an independent midwife - IMs work with the philosophy of allowing the mother to be in control...

Also - have you considered hypno birthing techniques to help you manage pain and feel in control?

Hope it all works out for you...

If you are planning for a VBAC, I think you really need to be in the hospital! If anything goes wrong, they may not have time to transfer you to hospital AND prep you for surgery.

So much can go wrong, my friend laboured for ages during her vbac & she eventually had to have a section. Her previous scar had ruptured & they could see babies hair coming through it!

Agree with differentname. Sorry about your previous experiences and YANBU not to want to be in stirrups, but home = further away from help if something does go wrong. I wouldn't risk it - know people talk up home births, but me and J would have both died if I had had one and I was glad to be near expert help and equipment.

Yes Richardgere I bet you know shit loads about medical treatment in developing countries

Next time you have to go and see a doctor can I suggest that you pack up your family, walk for 2 days to get there and think of people in Uganda.

Thanks for starting this thread- I started similar one yesterday,

toffee I would be interested in hearing more about your story as that is partly the same as mine.

OP I know what you mean though only 12 weeks myself and already worrying about not getting the birh I want! so YANBU

richardgere yeah whatever. Didn't you ever get told if you haven't got anything positive to say don't bother