A weighty issue, sorry.

[namechangedwithgoodreason]

I have namechanged, because I am quite sure I am going to get a pasting for this, but I have to get some opinions on this situation, so please be honest with me.

My mother is a very large lady. Her weight causes her alot of health problems (her Dr has stressed the importance of losing weight to her for years)
My DH's best mate is also a very large man, although no known health problems there.

I honestly don't give a monkeys arse if they eat too much and exercise too little, because they like to live that way. It does not bother me in the slightest. I have to stress this, before you all flame me.
I do object to my mother volunteering to tell me a whole load of lies about what she eats every day and then bemoans the fact she has not lost weight. (My brother still lives at home and sees the portions my mother eats, and his story is different. Also, when my mother was hospitalised for sleep apnea (sp), she lost alot of weight very very quickly.)

I have told my mother it is her business what she eats and when, I am not bothered, but she still feels a need to lie totell me in minute detail every last morsel she claims to have eaten every day.

What does worry me though, and this is where people will be most annoyed at me I think, is when DH best mate or my mother come to my house, or when I give either of them a lift anywhere.

My car is 4 years old and it groans when either of them get in it. (I have never had them both in it at the same time)
Neither of them can get the seat belt around themselves easily, and I always sit them in the front, but they spill over onto my handbrake a little.

I always find my car veers to the left after giving either of them a lift, and my tyre pressure is always 'down' afterwards.

In my house, neither will sit on my kitchen chairs, because one of the chairs collapsed on DH's mate one evening.

My sofa has been broken today by mother pushing on the arm to get herself up, and we both heard a loud crack.
This is the 2nd sofa my mother has broken.

My other brother lives with his DW and 3DC, and he has had chairs collapse, and we have both had toilet seats broken more times than we care to remember. My mother's 2 year old divan bed has now collapsed in the middle, and she is probably going to buy a iron framed bed and mattress.

I know you will probably all say I am being nasty, but what weight is the average sofa/car/kitchen table/bed designed for?

My DB thinks cars especially are designed to carry quite alot of weight.

My mother's car never groans, and she is convinced my car is probably ready for the knackers yard because of the noises it makes when she gets in.

Of course, I have not told my mother my car doesn't make noises like that all the time, nor have I mentioned that I think it is her weight that is causing her bed to collapse, or my sofa to break, but please please tell me, for my own peace of mind, how big would someone have to be before you were a little concerned about them being in your car or sitting on your sofa.

FWIW, DH best mate is proud to say he is 37st 4lb, and my mother says the last time she was weighed at the Dr, she was 26st 8lb.

Please share your thoughts with me, while I run and take cover hide

Well, that was now - now I am this weight.... I got here during the time I was being abused, so food was my major comfort

A regular day then would be breakfast (cereal), followed by a whole pack of jaffa cakes, followed by anothr pack of biscuits, lunch out (usually - sausage sarnie or something in a cafe) then a large macdonalds FOLLOWED by dinner (shock at myself) then snacks of an evening when it was all kicking off.....

THAT's what got me here, also an addiction to diet coke - 2/3 LITRES a day which I've knocked on the head

So, now I'm here, no - I don't eat that much compared, but the damage is done and what I do eat, and don't move so much, means I maintain the weight rather than lose

I'm obtuse, FA. I believe it was a response to me.

Bit confused, since I thought my point was clear and tied in with all the other posts I have made on this thread.

tethersend - people laughing at fatties.

Now who's being obtuse, bruxeur?

Hecate, your point was apparently in response to my post but deliberately misinterpreted it. Thus wilfully obtuse.

Et toi?

Slick comeback, tethers, that was smoking.

I also find people who constantly avoid food or go on about being fat when they are skin and bone really irritating. I used to know a woman who kept moaning about being fat (she was probably a size 10) who eventually lost weight and got to a size 8 or maybe a size 6. She was sooooo happy with herself. Funny thing was she paid no attention to her appearance in general. To her beauty lay in a skinny body not a nice haorcut or well applied makeup or a good skin regime.

Food really should be fuel that we eat when we are hungry but so many of us have developed crazy relationships with food.

Having a bad night?

I think the problem a lot of people have in understanding this is that they have no experience at all with anyone who is morbidly over weight.

Up until my early 20's I was the picture of health, yes I loved food but I also loved exercise so I balanced out well.

I can't pin point when it was that I realised I was over 20 stone but it was just a sudden realisation. I know I ate far far too much. I would pop into the shop on the way home for a family bag of crisps, chocolate and a large bottle of pop. I would then also eat a large main meal or order a take away for dinner.

My only happiness came from food. I was living alone, had no family close by, and didn't socialise with anyone from work. I had moved 200 miles up the country to escape a violent relationship and generally kept myself to myself. Slowly but surely the weight crept on, I would treat myself with food.

I didn't by clothes as a treat, jewellery, music, dvd's, spa days, make up, furniture, or in fact anything. My physical possesions could be counted on one hand, because I had always bought food instead of items.

By now it was an addiction - ask any addict how they let something get so bad they won't have a clue how to answer you.

I lost 7 stone before the DC's came along but because my issues around food were never resolved it has all piled back on and then some.

So here I sit at 25stone, being judged by people who don't know me or my life but think they do just because I'm fat.

I sympahise, and also think your DMum has an eating disorder - her size and weight are just symptoms of this. Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else has said - I've only read the first page.

I used to drive a vintage car, and I have refused lifts to people who are over 14 stone, as the chassis would not hold out. One bloke got into a MAJOR huff, but honestly he couldn't have fitted in, and the roads were very bumpy - we were out in a small village - he had to get a taxi.

I shared a house once with a guy who was so big he broke all the chairs and the sofa - just as well the rest of us didn't mind sitting on the floor. We were at uni so it didn't matter too much to us. I left that rented house with my deposit: the big guy forfeited his to pay for the breakages.

It is difficult to stop bigger / heavier people from wrecking and breaking your possessions, but you have to do it unless there is an agreement that they will pay for any breakages they incur due to their size and weight.

Your DMum sounds like she has no hope in her heart whatsoever, and needs help - a GP would be the best person to help her. Good luck.

Dontpanic - its easier than some people think to end up in your situation - the important thing is you know its an issue and you are doing something about it, like my friend. This is only after 20+ years of her denying she had a problem with food...

Lewis, I know you mentioned you had a diet coke addiction which you have tackled. But 3 glasses of diet coke a day is still pretty bad if losing weight is your aim. The amount is sugar and empty calories in fizzy drinks is criminal.

Some fat people are greedy and lazy, some thin people are greedy and lazy.

More people are malnourished in the UK than are obese. Are they disgusting?

Overweight is down to energy balance - calorie intake greater than energy expended BUT

Some people do find it harder to lose/maintain weight - there is scientific evidence to support this
genetic of obesity in humans

and some people are 'destined' to be bigger, irrespective of their food choices and environment here

People who have severe weight problems on either side of 'normal' need help - can you go with your mum to the GP, OP? Some areas run weight management services like the one I am involved in which use a holistic approach of psychotherapy, dietetics and nutrition advice and medical interventions to help people who need to lose a lot of weight.

You cannot make this decision for your mum - she needs to be ready. I suspect she is very concerned about her size if she is giving you a run down of all the food she has eaten every day.

I wish you both the best of luck

I think it's possible to be both malnourished and overweight, i.e. you only eat shit and no vitamins, so your body is lacking but you're still fat.

I would post a lengthy response but I'm too busy being lazy, greedy and physically and morally disgusting. Shovels a handful of Maltesers into gob Suffice to say it's all very well for the naturally skinny and well-adjusted to cast aspersions about the more well-upholstered amongst us, but just as it is with smokers we're not fecking idiots, we know it's unhealthy...there's something else going on that we need to get to the bottom of, and having the effortlessly slender lounging around making moral judgements isn't exactly helpful. You've got all the nice clothes, just be happy with that and leave us to sort ourselves out. (Although I must say if I were the OP, I'd be announcing to mother I was attending a slimming club (they do serve a purpose, after all)and would like her to come along with me for moral support, emphasising she didn't have to participate if she didn't want to.)

Oh, and Bruxeur...I hope that puppy pie you were making the other day was made with a low fat pastry alternative, or heaven knows what sort of Obesity Armageddon may ensue.

certainly some people are overweight/obese and malnourished Brahms. Many long term alcoholics fit the bill

I love my food and am always on and off diets. Last year I lost a stone and a half and want to lose another stone. I can see that it's easy to give up trying and become seriously huge! But I don't! 26 stone is seriously huge! Not just a few extra donuts and a bar of chocolate!

The thing is you just can't help some people. Things go on in their heads that we can't even begin to understand. You can try to help them, get them to a doctors but it doesn't often make a difference!

My whole life has been blighted by my mothers close relationship with a whiskey bottle. I realise nothing I can say or do will change that! She tries now and then to give up but I know it's too deep rooted in her. I just keep my distance now.

I would be seriously pissed off by the broken furniture and the lies. Don't be afraid to say so either!

Not sure if that helps at all but I do understand!

This makes me so sad.

It explains a lot to me why I feel some people at work don't like me even though I've been nothing but nice to them, gone out of my way to do things for them and generally brown-nosed for a couple of days until I realised I wasn't going to get anywhere with them.

These are the people who sneer at me like mummysgoingmad. These are the people that are a size 8 on a "fat day".

I am a good person. I'm a lovely mummy, wife, daughter and granddaughter. I work with children with difficulties/disabilities because I want to help. I help my grandmother with caring for my grandfather who has dementia. I go out of my way to do nice things for friends.

I do not deserve to be thought of as "physically and morally disgusting" or "lazy and greedy".

Shame on you mummysgoingmad for making anyone feel this way. I hold you personally responsible for every tear that I cry as I type this.

I hope you're happy.

Chin up, mermaidspam. You know who you are - some random fool on the internet doesn't. Brave up, lovely.

Oh Mermaidspam, don't cry!

I'm one of those 'size 8 on a fat day' people (feel free to punch me now) but I don't give a crap what anyone else weighs. I can't believe anyone would judge someone's whole personality solely on weight. I'm sure most people don't. You sound like a much better person than me. I am lazy and greedy (definitely lazy anyway), you just can't tell by looking at me.

Mermaidspam, take comfort from the fact that mummysgoingmad chose not to return and defend her deliberately inflammatory comments- doesn't exactly indicate a lot of...err... moral fibre, does it?

Oh no, Brahms. Sorry! I didn't mean all people of that size (that would make me as bad as mummysgoingmad).

Sorry, I put it badly. I meant that they only people I get this feeling from are nowhere near my size (and the specific 2 people I am thinking of happen to be size 6-8)

Thanks Armi and tethers - I only tend to cry when I'm angry and I'm bloody furious

It's OK I wasn't offended. Just didn't want you to think that just because people are that size and feel it's important for themselves that that's what they expect from everyone else. I bet you give great hugs.