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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend...

146 replies

neenz · 15/01/2010 16:33

I have a male friend whose wife is PG with their first baby. She was due on Dec 28 and afaik she hasn't had it yet.

I had been waiting for a text all Christmas and new year to say she'd had the baby.

So on Jan 10 (13 days overdue) I thought she must have had it now or been induced so I text a mutual friend (didn't want to bother my friend cos how annoying are all those 'is the baby here yet' texts?). Anyway she said she hadn't had the baby but they were going to let her go another WEEK and monitor her.

I was surprised as I know women's babies have died in the womb at 12+ days over and they don't normally let you go over 14 days do they?

So I text him to ask what was going on and ask if they thought maybe her dates were wrong, and he text back to say 'no, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own.'

So I text back to say 'So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days'

He hasn't text back, not even to say 'yeah we know, we're happy to wait'. Now I feel bad that I may have said something I shouldn't have, I am not very good at saying things sensitively, I am very direct. Did I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way? I couldn't NOT say something. I am sure he knows the risks but I couldn't let him make that decision to wait and not know whether ho knows how dangerous it can be not to induce. Sometimes babies just don't come on their own, do they?

Was I being unreasonable sending that text? Or is he just caught up in looking after his very pregnant wife and hasn't given a second thought to it?

OP posts:

oranges · 15/01/2010 16:35

oh just butt out and leave them to make their own decision.

diedandgonetodevon · 15/01/2010 16:36

I think YABU to have sent the text. She will be being monitored so they will be more than aware of the risks.

Nothing says 'friendship' like trying to scare someone like this

coldtits · 15/01/2010 16:37

i'm fairly sure that the huge amount of specialist care they are receiving will more than make up for them ignoring you interference concerns

thedollshouse · 15/01/2010 16:37

A difficult one. I think if I received a text like that I would think it was insensitive and feel quite angry with you, they must be receiving medical advice and been told it is safe to wait. On the other hand I totally see where you are coming from I have read lots of stories of women who have gone over 14 days with tragic consequences.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/01/2010 16:37

Are you serious, you text a friend to say his baby could die wtf??!!

If you were so worried you should have picked up the phone.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/01/2010 16:37

They're going for regular monitoring, it'll be fine. My DS1 was at least three weeks late when finally induced, and DS2 close to that, and both are strapping young men now.

ShowOfHands · 15/01/2010 16:37

I'm sure she is being very well looked after. It is their choice to opt for expectant management. A normal pregnancy is 37-42 weeks so allowing for dating accuracies etc, it's not that late.

I think you were very insensitive indeed.

2snowshoes · 15/01/2010 16:37

yabu
glad your not my friend, talk about scaring someone who is already scared.

CMOTdibbler · 15/01/2010 16:38

You were being v v v unreasonable to send a text like that. OK to say, gosh, I didn't know they'd let you go that far over, but not to say that

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/01/2010 16:39

Are you an obstetrician? I think the hospital might know better than you, if not. YABU

Reallytired · 15/01/2010 16:39

I think you are a nasty bitch. With friends like you who needs emenies? Who do you think you are? Are you an obstrictian? Are you their obstrictian?

It is perfectly safe for a baby to go over its dates, provided that the placenta is monitored with scans.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 15/01/2010 16:39

YABU

I think that was a really awful way to say it and tbh I expect they haven't replied as you have upset, scared and worried them silly and don't be surprised if you never hear from them again.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 15/01/2010 16:40

Saying that makes it sound like you think you know better than the medical staff, who have agreed to let her go another week - it's not as if they are ignoring proper medical advice, and the baby is going to be regularly monitored. Do you have any actual evidence that their medical staff are not doing their jobs, and aren't doing the best thing for mum and baby?

I actually think you were not only unreasonable but actually unkind to use scare tactics like this.

If, heaven forbid, the worst were to happen, and something did go wrong, not only will this poor chap and his wife be blaming themselves, but you will be utterly unable to help them in any way, because you have alienated yourself from them.

Earthstar · 15/01/2010 16:40

Well I can see that you acted for the right reasons but I think you are misinformed of the dangers of going over dates.

Surely doctors advice is enough and is more qualified than your thoughts on this!! the doctors are monitoring so if the placenta starts to fail then this will not go unoticed!

I was very fed up with anyone who asked "have you had it yet" when I went overdue and if I had received your text it would have annoyed me quite a bit!

ajandjjmum · 15/01/2010 16:41

It's one of those situations where a telephone conversation would be far better than a text - you could have judged how much information was available to them, and just mentioned any concern if you felt they were not aware of the full facts.

I hate texts for this reason - you lose all sense of empathy.

On the surface of it, YABU, although I'm sure out of genuine concern.

thedollshouse · 15/01/2010 16:41

Agree with CMOTdibber. I think I would have said just that, you would then be informing them that it is unusual to be allowed to go over 14 days without scaring the living daylights out of them.

Can you ring him to apologise?

Northernlurker · 15/01/2010 16:41

I can't believe you sent that text and I'm not crazy on your thread title either. Lots of people on here have lost babies in utero - don't think they need it leaping out at them as they scan active convos.

Did you honestly think they won't have been made aware of the risks?

Maybe try minding your own business next time and you may find your friends reply to your texts!

EccentricaGallumbits · 15/01/2010 16:41

Get your facts right you bloody insensitive idiot.

Do some real research - not just reading the daily mail.

I wouldn't blame your friend if they never spoke to you again.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 15/01/2010 16:41

And doing it by text?? As others have said, that is beyond the pale.

SerendipitousHarlot · 15/01/2010 16:41

Dreadful thing to say to someone

I was left almost 3 weeks overdue - I did end up with an emergency section, but I'm not aware that was anything to do with the amount of overdue time, more the way that the birth went.

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 16:43

If this is true, then you must have something a teeny bit awry with you on the empathy/perception front. And other people calling you a "bitch" or similar is just as insensitive.

I would suggest you seek help with the way you communicate.

LIZS · 15/01/2010 16:45

I doubt you'll receive a birth announcement.

sb6699 · 15/01/2010 16:45

That was horribly insensitive

It really is not for you to judge anyone elses medical decisions unless you are fully qualified to do so.

And the way you said it, well .......

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/01/2010 16:45

It is very hard to be sensitive in a text, but you said what you said with all good intentions. Try not to worry, you sound very caring.

Rofl at all the nice Mumsnetters queuing up to call you a bitch!

mathanxiety · 15/01/2010 16:45

Good lord, you said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time (and also in the wrong way) but this last item is completely immaterial because you should never have even thought of saying something like that.

YABU and MYOB and you need to filter your thoughts better.

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