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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my friend...

146 replies

neenz · 15/01/2010 16:33

I have a male friend whose wife is PG with their first baby. She was due on Dec 28 and afaik she hasn't had it yet.

I had been waiting for a text all Christmas and new year to say she'd had the baby.

So on Jan 10 (13 days overdue) I thought she must have had it now or been induced so I text a mutual friend (didn't want to bother my friend cos how annoying are all those 'is the baby here yet' texts?). Anyway she said she hadn't had the baby but they were going to let her go another WEEK and monitor her.

I was surprised as I know women's babies have died in the womb at 12+ days over and they don't normally let you go over 14 days do they?

So I text him to ask what was going on and ask if they thought maybe her dates were wrong, and he text back to say 'no, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own.'

So I text back to say 'So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days'

He hasn't text back, not even to say 'yeah we know, we're happy to wait'. Now I feel bad that I may have said something I shouldn't have, I am not very good at saying things sensitively, I am very direct. Did I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way? I couldn't NOT say something. I am sure he knows the risks but I couldn't let him make that decision to wait and not know whether ho knows how dangerous it can be not to induce. Sometimes babies just don't come on their own, do they?

Was I being unreasonable sending that text? Or is he just caught up in looking after his very pregnant wife and hasn't given a second thought to it?

OP posts:
EvilEdnasTwinSister · 15/01/2010 17:20

Speaking personally I was considerably less offended by this thread title than the one recently about having sb photos on facebook.

Irishchic · 15/01/2010 17:20

Bibbity those people are not Twats - that's an arrogant judgement, their reaction is perfectly valid and understandable. If I had been on the receiving end of such a text I would be very very upset.

If the person who sent it explained and apologised then I am sure I would let it go, but my initial reaction would be not to contact them.

harimosmummy · 15/01/2010 17:21

Belgo - if you are registered on MN then you are a MNer.

I think we should get over what they do with the information.

it's a public website.

mathanxiety · 15/01/2010 17:21

It really wasn't your responsibility though, Neenz, as Flightattendant said. And NOT sending the text wouldn't have been irresponsible. They have medical professionals assisting them, and you're not a medical professional -- and actually if you were you'd certainly keep your opinion to yourself in a case like this. You don't have to say every thought that pops into your head, helpful or otherwise, or help out in every situation you encounter or hear of, even though you have good intentions.

Madascheese · 15/01/2010 17:24

I'd probably be as clumsy as that as well if it's any consolation, however it sounds like they know what they are doing.

FWIW I do know of people who added a couple of weeks onto the expected due date just so they weren't under seige all the time with people asking if the baby was on its way yet. Is it beyond the realms of possibility they have done that?

Hope they are OK and enjoy the big bunch of flowers you will no doubt be sending as an apology (I do think tis nice to have a bouquet or two before the baby arrives don't you??)

2snowshoes · 15/01/2010 17:24

neenz
please can you post with the out come, would be nice for the thread to hopefully have a happy ending,

Indaba · 15/01/2010 17:26

I think it was a bit heavy handed and you should apologise. All three of my kids were overdue....the first 2.5 weeks....the other two a mere 2 weeks overdue.....you have no idea how much pressure the NHS put on me re inductions (which I had in the end and it was lovely by the way incase anyone considering having one!).....anyway, rest assured your friends will have had everything explained ad nauseum to them and be well aware of the risks....(one junior doctor practically accused me of being a baby killer when i refused my induction.....)....best to apologise me thinks....xxxxxx

sowhatis · 15/01/2010 17:27

VVVVVVVVV Unreasonable. If I were your friend I would be very annoyed.

tabouleh · 15/01/2010 17:27

neenz - this thread raises an important issue which really resonates for me, which is:

To what extent do we try to make an issue into something about us rather than the other people involved?

I'm really guilty of this too so I sympathise.

Basically you felt that you needed to text as you personally would have felt bad had something awful happened.

It's really difficult when you feel like this about an issue but generally when people haven't asked for your help it can really annoy them as it is interfering.

You have to allow other people to take responsibility for themselves.

In this situation it is almost 100% guaranteed that the doctors will have discussed the issue with your friends and that they will have googled and found out various information for themselves.

I think that the best strategy it to be a good listener and to be available for people when they need help.

If you really feel that you must interfere then try to make it more benign - eg "Would you like some help researching this issue - I know of some good websites/have some time to help you research".

TBH they may not have known what to reply - people don't always reply straight away to texts - maybe her contractions have started!

to the other posters having a go at neenz - seriously I don't think it is as bad as you are making out -

you are muddling the thread title here and the info provided by neenz with the actual messages.

Have a look again, objectively and calmly (and obv we don't have the exact wording so I'm making an assumption here!):

"Hey what's going on with the baby - maybe the dates were wrong?"

"No, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own."

"So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days"

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 17:28

I have never ever

TotalChaos · 15/01/2010 17:28

around the time I was having DS nearly 6 years ago the practice at my local hospital, based on research they had carried out (a big teaching hospital, so v. into research) was that with regular monitoring it was safe to go up to 43 weeks.

guttedandworried · 15/01/2010 17:31

You are what is referred to (and much resented) by many pregnant couples as "The Pregnancy Police"!

Just leave them too it! They may know stuff you dont!

You may have had good intentions but really its none of your business!

Btw my DD was born 19 days over her date with the FULL approval of my Obstetrician and MW!

Besom · 15/01/2010 17:34

Neenz - if you apologise I think it will be OK. I would accept someone's apology if it was me anyway.

I agree with what tabouleh said.

Original poster
neenz · 15/01/2010 17:34

I have sent him a text saying

'Hi, how is [your wife] doing? I'm really sorry if I said the wrong thing in my last text. I am not very good at saying the right thing sometimes or saying it in the right way :-( Sure you know exactly what you are doing without me butting in. Just want things to be great for you. Been thinking of you both since your due date but didn't want to bother you with loads of has she had it yet texts! Was just waiting for your text. Love to you all xxxx'

I wrote the last bit cos I didn't contact him at all around the due date cos I didn't want to bug him with 'is the baby here yet?' messages. Now I wonder whether he is thinking I wasn't bothered to ask about it when she was due but felt it OK to butt in like this later on.

As for my job, I am a sub-editor on a celebrity magazine, I am not a writer and obviously do not use MN for professional purposes.

OP posts:
MrsMotMot · 15/01/2010 17:35

Hmm yes I do think you were unreasonable- it's just not your place to advise when you have so little information. What is just kind concern comes across as unpleasant judgementalism.

How good a friend is he btw? As he already may know you can be a bit clod-hopperish/insensitive! Indaba is right- the NHS will be highligting every risk and then some, so to get more from someone else (and in the dry and atonal medium of texting as well)...

Just apologise.

And harimosmummy what a lovely friend you have, indeed.

MillyR · 15/01/2010 17:35

I agree with the poster who said to write a nice apologetic note in a card. You can say you meant well, but are sorry that you have been a bit insensitive.

dittany · 15/01/2010 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
neenz · 15/01/2010 17:37

Yes, I never actually said to him the baby could die, I just said the placenta can die. I can see now that the thread title was very inflammatory and I did not intend that at all.

OP posts:
2snowshoes · 15/01/2010 17:38

thats a nice apology hope you hear from him soon

mathanxiety · 15/01/2010 17:38

Neenz, that text sounded ok. Now you need to stop wondering what they are thinking about you. They have lots of other things to think about. The current circumstances of their lives are really not about you.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2010 17:40

neenz, nice of you to (sort of) apologise

you added one word extra that shouldn't have been there...(I'm really sorry if I said the wrong thing...)

dunno why you had to send yet another text either...you should have phoned

however, I don't think you should have got the bashing you did on this thread...you just sounded a bit mannerless and forceful, rather than nasty

I hope all is well with mother and baby

Historian · 15/01/2010 17:40

I made the informed decision (believe me, in the NHS you can't not make an informed decision as the default setting is induction after 14 days over due date and they go into a big panic) to defer induction for a week with DS1. he was born at 42+6, though I was in labour for 2 days so it seems like I left it longer than I did IYSWIM? I was aware that other people did not agree with my decision but I appreciate that they did not share it with me. I do think you made a huge mistake Neenz and that you need to apologise unreservedly, but not until after the baby is born as the couple will have enough on their mind without big dramas. I would send a card if it was me.

I think that you have to step back and let other people make their own decision about so many parenting issues. I understand that you have had personal experience of a baby dying after going overdue - I have personal experience of a baby dying of SIDS, in a cot, and would never allow my own DC to sleep in one because for me it is a risk....but I keep that information to myself when friends show me their cots etc. Sometimes you have to just think stuff and not say it.

MmeLindt · 15/01/2010 17:41

Good apology.

Now go and have a cup of tea glass of wine and put it behind you for tonight.

lucyellensmumagain · 15/01/2010 17:44

well, i guess their lack of response is your answer - they thought you were out of order - so do i!! what an awful thing to do. I would say i can't believe it, but i had an aunt just like you - interfering old bag she was too!!

There's direct, which i am, and rude and insensitive and quite frankly a bit dumb!

LastTrainToLapland · 15/01/2010 17:46

OK, you've probably got the point that you said the wrong thing, especially given the couple's situation and the woman's raging hormones. But there is no need for you to be flamed in such a nasty manner. Please ladies, can we have some restraint. OP is unreasonable, but is not an idiot or a witch, and her occupation has no bearing on the issue.

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