To tell my friend...

[neenz]

I have a male friend whose wife is PG with their first baby. She was due on Dec 28 and afaik she hasn't had it yet.

I had been waiting for a text all Christmas and new year to say she'd had the baby.

So on Jan 10 (13 days overdue) I thought she must have had it now or been induced so I text a mutual friend (didn't want to bother my friend cos how annoying are all those 'is the baby here yet' texts?). Anyway she said she hadn't had the baby but they were going to let her go another WEEK and monitor her.

I was surprised as I know women's babies have died in the womb at 12+ days over and they don't normally let you go over 14 days do they?

So I text him to ask what was going on and ask if they thought maybe her dates were wrong, and he text back to say 'no, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own.'

So I text back to say 'So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days'

He hasn't text back, not even to say 'yeah we know, we're happy to wait'. Now I feel bad that I may have said something I shouldn't have, I am not very good at saying things sensitively, I am very direct. Did I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way? I couldn't NOT say something. I am sure he knows the risks but I couldn't let him make that decision to wait and not know whether ho knows how dangerous it can be not to induce. Sometimes babies just don't come on their own, do they?

Was I being unreasonable sending that text? Or is he just caught up in looking after his very pregnant wife and hasn't given a second thought to it?

I didn't want to phone and put him on the spot. And a text meant I could say what I wanted without stumbling over the words. He doesn't live near me so we normally communicate via text or sometimes email.

As for the flaming - I've seen worse! You don't post in AIBU without expecting some harsh comments. But you know you are going to get quick and honest answers and that is what I needed to give me the kick up the arse I deserved.

Oh fecking hell. Just lost a really long post. I'll try again.

Many years ago a lad (he was about 17) turned up to work late and very, very distressed. His dd - who was still a baby - was very poorly. The GP said she had a bad cold. He described her symptoms and my colleague and I looked at each other - we knew that she had meningitis (I know this because we discussed it after the event). Thing is the GP had said it was a bad cold and we both thought at the time that we were being melodramatic so neither of us said anything bar "go home and keep an eye on her".

We should have said something. We should have said "Forget what the GP says - tkae her straight to A&E". But we didn't, and she died. It wouldn't surprise me if he isn't alive anymore, he went so far off the rails. And I am not being melodramatic when I say that.

Now I'm not saying that had we said what we felt that she would still be alive but I do think she'd have stood a much better chance. As would he.

OP - sorry for kind of hijacking your post but what I'm trying to say is that telling it like it is can be the right thing to do and that "might die" could be the best advice someone could hear. I think your friend probably appreciates that.

"I usually find myself agreeing with bibbity but your post 'do babies die after 42 weeks in the womb? yes they do!' is kind of vile - it sort of implies that all babies will die past 42 weeks, yet with a really odd flippant tone."

How does it imply all babies will die past 42 weeks? How???

Very hard to get someone's meaning with the written word, isn't it?

I think reallytired should apologise to the op actually!

"had we said what we felt.."

But you didn't just feel it, Otter, you knew it, both you and your colleague, and the OP didn't know, she felt, or had seen one case. Meningitis is usually pretty clear-cut (except to that idiot of a GP anyway ) but there are a lot of grey areas when it comes to obstetrics.

Babies die before 42 weeks as well though and no pregnant lady is going to appreciate being reminded of that.

Yes, YABU

Yes, you have siad something you shouldn't.

Yes you said the wrong thing.....infact you shouldn't have siad it atall.#

If you had sent me this text, there is no way I would send you a birth announcement.

Infact, I may never want to speak to you again.

Glad it's all sorted.

I wonder if my friend does have doubts about waiting but it is his wife who is insistent on not having an induction. Therefore my text was even more inappropriate and probably scared him even more.

I read all the natural birth books, read about how a woman's body is designed to give birth and doesn't need all this modern intervention. I was desperate for a natural birth.

But no book I ever read told me the placenta can die if you wait too long. I was so shocked when I heard about my friend's friend whose baby died in the womb, and I immediately thought 'I'll definitely take an induction next time if I go over'.

The thing is, I like to know the facts and figures - I like people to tell it to me straight. But obviously have to accept not everyone feels this way and just to keep my nose out (or try to be more subtle - not my strong point )

I can't have a glass of wine unfortunately cos I am 10wks PG.

I think you've rescued things very well, neenz. Your apology text was lovely.

FWIW I think YANBU. They can choose to ignore your text, but I think honesty is the best policy. I would rather a dozen people annoyed me by worrying than no one said anything.

And congratulations Neenz!

whew, I have just caught up with this marathon thread -- so glad it has worked out OK, good save!

And congratulations

YABU. Well intended but totally inappropriate as a text.

I think people have totally overreacted to this. Yes it was ill-judged, but it was only sent with good intentions. It sounds like he hasn't taken it too badly.

And as for all this 'Doctors know best' stuff - do they? Always? Communication can be so crap in hospitals that even good doctors make mistakes and patients don't have information they should. How many times have you seen on MN 'The GP thinks x, the midwife thinks y' and it turns out to be bollocks? Yes, she probably is in safe hands but I am confused as to where all this 'doctors = omniscient and perfect' stuff has come from.

I was actually a month late!

Didn't know about the risks associated with such a late arrival.

I'm sure your friend and his wife will have a safe delivery!

I dont think anyone said that doctors know everything, but the contention that the parents in conjucntion with their doctors and midwives probable know more than some random texting friend is hardly wild conjecture?

On a side note - do all doctors/mw know best - when my dsis was looking like she was going to need an induction, the maternity unit she was going to was really busy the week she should have been induced.

So rather than have the problem of booking too many inductions in the midwife decided that my dsis's dates were wrong and that actually (and conveniently), giving my dsis an extra week of pregnancy.

Think it was very strange that there was no indication that dates were wrong until she needed to be induced...

dsis was pretty sure of dates and not happy about this but not much she could do about it.

dn was born eventually and was OK but was 10lb (she was already showing as being about 9lb+ when they decided to change the dates) and it was a long and difficult birth with lots of complications, many of which dsis feels (having talked it through later with v experienced ob/gyn friend) could have been avoided if she'd been induced earlier.

And certainly she was never told anything along the lines of delaying things could cause placental failure and its knock on consequences.

scary stuff for all.

I've skimmed the thread, and I didn't see the original title so maybe I came to it with different expectations from the early posters.

But I am surprised with the vehemence with which people have told the op that she was wrong, particularly after she said that a friend had experienced a still birth for precisely this reason.

These days most people are aware of the sleeping on the back campaign to reduce the numbers of cot deaths - and that is similar sort of information that people discuss before the baby is born. OK so text is not necessarily the best means of communicating it but if you have a txt relationship with a friend rather than a phone or seeing relationship, then you can see that it seemed a natural thing for the OP to do.

and it was a great apology OP - and seems to have been accepted so hopefully you are able to relax a little better now!

Neenz I'm glad that it worked out for you.

And without digging further at the OP this post does raise the issue why on earth people feel the need to share important info by text - Why why why???

Sure tell someone you are running 5 mins late or that you'd prefer chicken for dinner but anything serious should be said preferably face to face or at least in a phone call.

Texts are so easily misinterpreted and aphone call is so much kinder.

Good apology Neenz, and I hope your friends' baby is born healthy and safely.