Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend...

146 replies

neenz · 15/01/2010 16:33

I have a male friend whose wife is PG with their first baby. She was due on Dec 28 and afaik she hasn't had it yet.

I had been waiting for a text all Christmas and new year to say she'd had the baby.

So on Jan 10 (13 days overdue) I thought she must have had it now or been induced so I text a mutual friend (didn't want to bother my friend cos how annoying are all those 'is the baby here yet' texts?). Anyway she said she hadn't had the baby but they were going to let her go another WEEK and monitor her.

I was surprised as I know women's babies have died in the womb at 12+ days over and they don't normally let you go over 14 days do they?

So I text him to ask what was going on and ask if they thought maybe her dates were wrong, and he text back to say 'no, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own.'

So I text back to say 'So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days'

He hasn't text back, not even to say 'yeah we know, we're happy to wait'. Now I feel bad that I may have said something I shouldn't have, I am not very good at saying things sensitively, I am very direct. Did I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way? I couldn't NOT say something. I am sure he knows the risks but I couldn't let him make that decision to wait and not know whether ho knows how dangerous it can be not to induce. Sometimes babies just don't come on their own, do they?

Was I being unreasonable sending that text? Or is he just caught up in looking after his very pregnant wife and hasn't given a second thought to it?

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 15/01/2010 17:05

Look, i don't think the OP meant to be insensistive...

But, (just going on how I would react if someone sent me this text)... well... NO, they wouldn't get a reply.

I'd be really offended, TBH, because it sort of smacks of the parents (and the medical staff the parents have chosen to look after the birth) aren't suitable / capable.

I'd be offended. I'm not trying to be nasty for nasty sake, but I really would be.

belgo · 15/01/2010 17:05

Lovebeingamummy - I know, and I think people are reacting to that, rather then to what is written in the OP.

Irishchic · 15/01/2010 17:06

The text was an appalling thing to do.

The thread title is pretty bloody awful too, esp for women who have lost a baby.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 15/01/2010 17:06

Belgo - she did say the baby could die in her title.

FlightAttendant · 15/01/2010 17:06

I think the reason it might upset people to get a message like this is that it implies you think they might not care despite knowing the risks

when in fact you are concerned they just didn't know the risks

I understand people here might have been offended and upset by scary thread title.

OtterInaSkoda · 15/01/2010 17:07

Shouldn't it be "he hasn't texted"? (only asking because OP is a journalist so I guess knows these things...)

Anyway - YABU but your intentions were good. You should have called. Or left it as "I didn't know they let you go over 14 days". Or whatever. Or asked us lot here before you sent it.

I agree with everything FlightAttendant has said.

Original poster
neenz · 15/01/2010 17:07

Oh dear .

Well, tbh I thought it would be irresponsible not to send the text.

If the worst was to happen and she did have a sb, then I would never have forgiven myself for not saying anything.

I remember when I was PG, I didn't want to be induced, I didn't need to be, but a friend of a friend had a baby die in the womb at 12 days over, the day before her induction . I never even knew that could happen and I was just so scared for my friend that the same could happen to him .

I wouldn't have been bothered to receive a text like that - I prefer people to be direct with me. But I know I can be pretty insensive at times

I am really upset about this .

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/01/2010 17:08

I cannot bear it when people start leaping around saying 'oh they've been here a long time' and 'don't all pile in'

The op posted a dramatic thread title and then described a fairly horrendous situation in her post. It's hardly surprising that people wish to comment.

NonVinaigretteRien · 15/01/2010 17:09

My goodness, what a weird thing to put in a text.

I think you need to pick up the phone and apologise.

IncontinentiaBotox · 15/01/2010 17:10

neenz, give them a ring and clear the air. Otherwise you are going to chew yourrself up about it - and we don't KNOW your friends have reacted the way some MNers have (or whether anyone in RL really would react like that)

belgo · 15/01/2010 17:10

Neenz - I do think your intentions were in the right place - and I think you can redeem the situation by apologising.

FlightAttendant · 15/01/2010 17:11

Neenz I think you need to explain just what you told us, in writing, in a card to them asap.
Don't ring, or text, just pop card through their door saying why you reacted like you did and saying sorry and you realise it was inappropriate, and hope they will forgive you.

ML please don't me, I was merely trying to prevent a major flaming form getting any worse...most of us have been on the receiving end of one and it isn't nice.

FlightAttendant · 15/01/2010 17:11

sorry NL not ML

Quattrocento · 15/01/2010 17:12

DD was 16 days overdue

She has continued a pattern of lateness throughout her life

You probably shouldn't have said anything but then you know that

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/01/2010 17:12

It looks like a lynching.

Do babies die in the womb after 42 weeks? Yes they do! OP was concerned but went about expressing her concern very clumsily, which she acknowledged.

All of you who say you would never speak to a friend again after receiving a text like that are twats.

GhoulsAreLoud · 15/01/2010 17:13

I think you were very unreasonable since it was clear from the fact that she is being monitored that she is under medical supervision.

On a personal point I think you need to look at why you felt the need to say anything when you admit yourself you are not clear of the facts and it is clear that your friends are (given that they are being medically supervised).

But the most important thing I think you could do is think about how you can make amends and apologise for what you did.

Original poster
neenz · 15/01/2010 17:13

I don't really care about getting a flaming, I can handle that . I am more bothered about my friend.

I am sorry if I offended people with the thread title.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 15/01/2010 17:15

In fairness to the OP, my experience of the NHS is that it tends to work on a need-to-know basis

And they may well not have explained the risk to the friends

So y'know right to be anxious and all that

Morloth · 15/01/2010 17:16

Yeah, pretty sure that is one less friend there.

Human gestation is not an exact science. I presume as she is so far over the baby is being monitored etc.

A pretty nasty text to send to someone who is probably already worrying, your intent doesn't matter as much as what you said.

harimosmummy · 15/01/2010 17:17

OP - I think you need to apologise after you know the baby is here safely.

I actually appreciate where you are coming from. I remember an incident (can't have been more than 8) when I met a friend of my mums who was 2 weeks overdue (this was rural ireland, 30 years ago... so no scans etc)

her baby died due to placenta failure.

I remember this as if it were yesterday.

So I do know ho wit can affect you... but how would YOU feel if someone sent you that text?

Just apologise later. YOu did'nt mean any harm.

GhoulsAreLoud · 15/01/2010 17:17

Take solace in the fact that you're probably not the only one to have said it - I expect there's a "my MIL told me baby could die if I went any more oeverdue" thread waiting in the wings somewhere.

And if you're not the only one who's stuck their oar in then that's probably why they don't feel like replying.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 15/01/2010 17:17

Bibbity, exactly one person has called the OP a bitch - other people hhave called her nasty and insensitive - but a) I think she was nasty and insensitive and b) she posted in AIBU, and frankly was being ynreasonable to send that text!

MmeLindt · 15/01/2010 17:18

Oh, dear.

By now you know that you should not have sent the text, but knowing that a friend had a still birth and that you were just worried about him, it is almost understandable.

FWIW, it is very rare for this to happen, and it was not because the baby was 12 days over. My DD was born 14 days late and was absolutely fine. Naturally we were monitored daily the last week of my pregnancy.

I would phone him or write an email - do not text, it is too difficult to explain in a short message along the lines of:

Dear Friend,
I am very sorry if I caused you upset with my text message. I realise that it was totally inappropriate and that your wife and your baby are under the very good care of the doctors. I wish you all the best for the rest of the pregnancy, and a lovely birth of your baby.
Neenz

belgo · 15/01/2010 17:18

The reason why I mentioned that Neenz has been around a long time is because of the comments about her profession - imo she is posting as a mumsnetter, and not as a journalist. I think that's relevant considering the number of journalists who lurk on this site who are not mumsnetters.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/01/2010 17:19

We can't say if your friend has been upset by this text or not anymore than you seem to be able too. You asked if BU, I think yes but then that me. You are only going to find out if you suck it up and call him, you never know he might not even have received the text.