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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend...

146 replies

neenz · 15/01/2010 16:33

I have a male friend whose wife is PG with their first baby. She was due on Dec 28 and afaik she hasn't had it yet.

I had been waiting for a text all Christmas and new year to say she'd had the baby.

So on Jan 10 (13 days overdue) I thought she must have had it now or been induced so I text a mutual friend (didn't want to bother my friend cos how annoying are all those 'is the baby here yet' texts?). Anyway she said she hadn't had the baby but they were going to let her go another WEEK and monitor her.

I was surprised as I know women's babies have died in the womb at 12+ days over and they don't normally let you go over 14 days do they?

So I text him to ask what was going on and ask if they thought maybe her dates were wrong, and he text back to say 'no, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own.'

So I text back to say 'So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days'

He hasn't text back, not even to say 'yeah we know, we're happy to wait'. Now I feel bad that I may have said something I shouldn't have, I am not very good at saying things sensitively, I am very direct. Did I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way? I couldn't NOT say something. I am sure he knows the risks but I couldn't let him make that decision to wait and not know whether ho knows how dangerous it can be not to induce. Sometimes babies just don't come on their own, do they?

Was I being unreasonable sending that text? Or is he just caught up in looking after his very pregnant wife and hasn't given a second thought to it?

OP posts:
DorotheaPlenticlew · 15/01/2010 16:46

Wow. You need some, I don't know, social training or something.

You should apologize. And not by text.

ChilloSTOPFOLLOWINGMEhippi · 15/01/2010 16:49

I can't believe that anyone would say such a thing to a friend. I would never speak to you again after that.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/01/2010 16:50

Looking at your occupation maybe we shouldn't be suprised that you think you know more than anyone else

belgo · 15/01/2010 16:51

I understand the point you are trying to make - I know two people born at 43 weeks, both with severe learning difficulties as a result - but I also know that some babies will be born fine at 42 or 43 weeks, and as long as they are receiving good medical care, then you should not have said anything. It's really it's not your decision to make

By sending the text I think you reacted too fast and thoughtlessly. I think you should apologise.

PurpleEglu · 15/01/2010 16:51

YABU - YOu don't know anything of their sutuation, monitoring etc.

Not surprised he has not replied

blonde36er · 15/01/2010 16:52

I think YABU. As his wife is being monitored then if any issues do arise they should be picked up fairly quickly.

If I got a text like that, I wouldn't reply either - I'd be too bloody angry (am 34 weeks pregnant myself) - do you not think that your friend and his wife will have made a considered decision and have been informed about the risks by the midwife?

Stigaloid · 15/01/2010 16:52

yabu to send text but true with content. dh's mum lost baby to stillbirth after being made to go over 14 days overdue. hence me being induced at 12+

pooexplosions · 15/01/2010 16:53

if you had sent that to me I prob would never have spoken to you again. Horribly insensitive, misinformed, just plain wrong wrong wrong.

Definitely you should apologise, with flowers and crawling.

FlightAttendant · 15/01/2010 16:54

Neenz,

I am sure you meant well and felt a measure of responsibility about the situation which you perceived as worrying.

I can see it was difficult to know how best to manage it and that if you had not said somehting and it had all gone wrong, you would have felt to blame somehow. But you need to take this apart...why did you feel it was your responsibility, when they had already seen doctors about it? That's kind of where you crossed a line.

I wouldn't be surprised if they went off you a bit because of how you did this, sorry to say that as I know you wouldn't have done it to freak them out - but you really need to step back and examine your thinking behind it, which may be hard to do but might prevent a similar thing in future.

If you do see them or speak again I think you need to apologise unreservedly.

belgo · 15/01/2010 16:54

I don't think Neenz's occupation has got anything to do with this. She has been posting a long time on mumsnet.

porcamiseria · 15/01/2010 16:54

are you a doctor, or a midwife? if not why are you sending scary texts like that? I dont want to be too harsh but its so arrogant and misguided to think that their local healthcare providers don't know what they are doing. I was induced (ugh) and wished I had waited to be honest

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 15/01/2010 16:55

And you work as a journalist?!?!?!?

nancydrewrocks · 15/01/2010 16:58

Very very insensitive. I am stunned that you'd say that, let alone text it.

FlightAttendant · 15/01/2010 16:59

Please people don't just pile in, I think by now she probably realises it wasn't the wisest thing she's ever done.

There's no need for a full scale lynching.

Sometimes our motives get confused and we do stupid things...ALL of us.

harimosmummy · 15/01/2010 17:00

You know, I had a friend (when I was due with DS - my first) who actually kept the news that her son was stillborn from me until my son had been delivered.

That's what a really really true friend does.

belgo · 15/01/2010 17:00

exactly Flightattendant, I think some posters are being deliberately nasty, possibly because of Neenz's occupation I wonder.

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/01/2010 17:00

What an ugly thread. Some of you should be ashamed. Why do you think its acceptable to respond to someone - who admits to making a mistake - like this!?

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 17:01

I don't know why being nasty is enjoyable.

belgo · 15/01/2010 17:02

as far as I understand it, Neenz didn't say the baby could die, she said the placenta could die, which is still insensitive but not quite as insensitive as saying the baby could die.

LadyintheRadiator · 15/01/2010 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 17:03

I meant posters were nasty - not Op (hasty clarification)

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/01/2010 17:03

belgo - that the totle she gave the thread.

IncontinentiaBotox · 15/01/2010 17:04

I don't think it was a terrible thing to say, nor were you trying to frighten them ffs

If I were your friend I wouldn't be angry with you, even if it scared me, and even if I thought you were wrong. It's intentions that count.

Why are otherwise rational and pleasant posters bullying the OP? People are preying on the fact that the OP is worried and making her feel worse for the sake of it. It's horrible!

verylittlecarrot · 15/01/2010 17:05

YABU. The range of 37 to 42 weeks is all considered normal and full term by the WHO, I believe. 42 weeks isn't 'overdue', it's normal. My dd was born at 37 weeks, and she wasn't considered 'early', she was considered full term.

The whole "they don't allow" thing is nonsense too. Thank goodness, we live in a country where we are free to make our own informed decisions about our own healthcare - no-one can allow or forbid us to do anything!

Your communication was dreadful, and I should probably apologise in your shoes for your misunderstanding of the situation and tactless expression of your concerns.

I'm sure your motives were out of genuine concern, but you did rather cack this up!

EvilEdnasTwinSister · 15/01/2010 17:05

Hmmm, I guess your intentions were good, but sending this sort of information by text is a big misjudgement.

FWIW I was a member of my local SANDS group after my son died, and did meet parents whose babies had died because they had gone over dates and the placenta had failed. However, this was a few years ago now, so with better monitoring available your friend and his wife should be able to make a decision without being unnecessarily frightened (by you).