To tell my friend...

[neenz]

I have a male friend whose wife is PG with their first baby. She was due on Dec 28 and afaik she hasn't had it yet.

I had been waiting for a text all Christmas and new year to say she'd had the baby.

So on Jan 10 (13 days overdue) I thought she must have had it now or been induced so I text a mutual friend (didn't want to bother my friend cos how annoying are all those 'is the baby here yet' texts?). Anyway she said she hadn't had the baby but they were going to let her go another WEEK and monitor her.

I was surprised as I know women's babies have died in the womb at 12+ days over and they don't normally let you go over 14 days do they?

So I text him to ask what was going on and ask if they thought maybe her dates were wrong, and he text back to say 'no, dates are correct, we just want to wait until it is ready to come out on its own.'

So I text back to say 'So the docs are happy to wait? I don't want to scare you but the placenta can die, but I am sure you are clued up on all that. They don't normally let you go past 14 days'

He hasn't text back, not even to say 'yeah we know, we're happy to wait'. Now I feel bad that I may have said something I shouldn't have, I am not very good at saying things sensitively, I am very direct. Did I say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way? I couldn't NOT say something. I am sure he knows the risks but I couldn't let him make that decision to wait and not know whether ho knows how dangerous it can be not to induce. Sometimes babies just don't come on their own, do they?

Was I being unreasonable sending that text? Or is he just caught up in looking after his very pregnant wife and hasn't given a second thought to it?

Neenz, if they are close friends they will know that you had the best of intentions.

You have apologised and there is not much more you can do. I think its best for you to just leave it alone now and wait for the good news. Then you can apologise again if you still feel uncomfortable.

Try not to beat yourself up, whats done is done.

He has text back saying 'She is fine thanks. Been monitored again today and consultant is happy. She will be induced if nothing happens by Tuesday. Don't worry. We know everyone means well x

So I suppose they have had a few people sticking their noses in.

Just sorry I was one of them.

He sounds lovely.

Glad you apologised neenz as it was a ridiculous thing to say.

I also hope that when they have the LO and you go to visit with armfuls of guilt presents that you don't feel the need to make your visit about you- just congratulate them and mutter an apology when you arrive/ before you leave. Don't take the gloss of their baby actually arriving by having a big conversation about it. When they have had 6 mths sleep then mention it properly.

Or their lack of response may be because it has all kicked off tonight and they might be busy hopeful for neenz friends emoticon

Glass of wine tonight and apology card sounds like a plan, take it easy and for heaven's sake next time phone!

Take it easy

neenz, the baby will be ok, and you will all be ok

wait until after baby is born and then give a proper face-to-face apology for possibly causing them extra worry, not "I'm sorry if I was insensitive", but "I was insensitive and I am sorry"

oops x post.

It's lovely to have friends who understand us isn't it.

x

Glad to hear everything is ok.

Ladyintheradiator, I don't consider I was dictating in any way, I respectfully requested that people stop 'piling in' because tbh I find flamings get really really long and boring, when what needs saying ahs already been said.

Nobody has to listen to what I want though.

I was mainly directing it at comments such as 'you are a nasty bitch' etc etc

unhelpful, immature and reactionary

We've sent a few texts back and forth since and it seems fine thankfully. He says he is very excited about meeting the baby etc.

I won't be mentioning it again - like you said it is not about me and I am sure after the baby arrives safe and well it will all be forgotten about.

Thanks to all for pointing out what a twonk I am and forcing me to apologise. When he didn't text back I knew I'd said the wrong thing but was burying my head in the sand about it and just hoping all was fine.

Some people talk to their friends or even rellies only by text -- maybe Neenz and her friends do this more than others do. Have to say I prefer texting to having a phone ring loudly and spending time I don't really have yakking, when a text can relay the message and be replied to when the recipient has the time to attend to it. If this is the way Neenz and her friends usually communicate (which isn't all that unusual) then no harm done (apart from the text itself).

ah, good

I like a nice AIBU (well, it came nice in the end anyways...)

FWIW we are pretty good friends, he used to be my boss.

We all used to go out clubbing together every few months even after we stopped working together, and I used to stay at his house. We were never more than friends though. This was mostly before I had kids. He has been married for about 18mths but was a real party animal before that.

Both he and his wife have little experience of being around kids and last time I saw them she was about 5mths PG and they were asking me loads of questions about having kids, saying how clueless they both were.

So I suppose I was worried they were being naive in not taking an induction, having had little experience of babies. But actually of course they were clued up and it was none of my business as you have all so helpfully pointed out

I'm glad it worked out OK, I thought it would

real friendships can weather the odd lapse in judgement - that's hard to transpose onto an internet forum

I hope you feel better! FWIW I think you're a good friend and I would want people to be concerned/interested if I were in your friend's position. I wouldn't be nit-combing for things to be offended by.

I don't know why people think phoning to apologise would have been better - talk about butting in further and disturbing them in order to fix things for the OP (as in, their view of her being fixed by her apologising - it wouldn't have done much for the couple themselves). Phoning would be making it even more about her.

I think it was unnecessary and irritating but not as awful as people are making out. She said the placenta could die, in the text, not the baby. And it can be a tough call, knowing when to assume someone's been told all the risks of something and when they haven't. A mistake, yes, a bit crass, but not a sign of nastiness. I think there has been a bit too much of a lynching here.

It's very difficult knowing what and what not to say, so I'm glad this has turned out OK for you and your friend and I hope they go on to have a happy healthy baby.

Wow Neenz, you've been grabbed, slammed against the wall and beaten the crap out of on this thread, haven't you?

FWIW, I think that an (arguably) ill-advised text does not a nasty bitch make.

They're your friends, which would suggest that they know you and therefore know your style.

I'm glad they're still your friends and that it's turned out ok (so far).

You did the right thing by apologising, neenz - well done - and I am glad that things are OK between you and your friend.

I do agree that there are some things that are better done either face to face or by phone, because there is so much that cannot be conveyed by the written word.

Neenz,

I just want to say: good for you.

I think you had the right intentions, did the right thing by sending the second text and well done for sticking this thread out.

Glad it all turned out OK.

SOOOOOO jealous about the celeb mag though... I'd love to work on one of those!!!

Neenz - update us won't you when baby arrives.

Think you've rescued this really well - good on you for not shying away from this. We all cock up - it's how we sort it that shows character.

Hope all goes well for them.