to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

[happymatleave]

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

expatinscotland - is the spiteful comment meant for me? so I am spiteful as well as being a wicked stepmother?

I'm not sure what in my post is making you jump to these conclusions. Yes I would feel more comfortable having some boundaries, this is hardly spiteful. I have said over and over again that I am friendly towards her and do have regular contact but I don't want to have intimate family meal etc. together. I have also said that I may be wrong in my attitude towards her and that I'm going to make an effort to change this.

What exactly have I been spiteful about and how am I a wicked stepmother? What do you suggest I do?

As a mother: I would like to think that, if it were my DC, I would be able to see where they slept etc.,

As a step mum: I would have no problem with my DSDs mum coming to our house and seeing her DSDs arrangements.

In reality, my situation is very, very far from this but I still believe that it's what we should strive for.

Happymatleave - no I don't think Expat was refering to you. I think it was Bonsoir.

You are certainly not wicked, but I hope one thing that you've got from this thread is that it does appear that the ex is trying to include you and your DC and that really is something to be thankful for.

I'm afraid - whether you like it or not - you are intimate family. You are mothers of half siblings. I don't think anyone or anything can make you enjoy these gatherings, but I think you should try and ensure them (which I get the feeling you do).

I can, honestly, speak from experience and say it would be far worse if you were at home and your DH was being hauled over the coals for merely existing!!

harimosmummy - I totaly agree with you and have said so earlier. I have no problem what so ever with her wanting to see where her dd sleeps and spends half of the week.

Oh, and I'm sure it's been said before, but don't go to ANY social occasion that doesn't involve DSD if you don't want to be friends on any other level.

as a mum with dsc as well - i would hate it if my dd spent significant time away from me and would want to know where they were so as to be able to picture it. my dsc spend almost 50% of their time here and vice versa. We (now) have a fairly civilised relationship but after 12 years i have never been offered a cup of tea at hers when i drop off (and btw, she left my now dh not other way round).
It is possible that she is really nervous and doent know how to handle it all and is bending over backwards to show kids you all have a civilised relationship - this is after all what the kids need to see.
My lovely dsd thought for years (until recently) that her mum and me were best friends. oh so far from the truth but at least we have tried our best for the good of the children.
and i am sure that's what you will do too - just do your best, &love all the children in teh mixed up/blended family!

I wouldn't mind my stepdaughter's mum looking at her bedroom, or my stepdaughter showing her stuff in the bedroom. I would however expect her to ask first before wandering round the house/ coming into the house and I wouldn't expect her to start rummaging round the room in drawers being nosy.
That's just normal guest good manners.

I think that all you need to ask yourself is --'in 4 yrs time would you want to hand your DC over to a stranger to stay overnight as part of a different family if you didn't know the woman?' I know that I wouldn't.

I think that the situation gets complicated once you have half siblings as well as step siblings. For example do you parents treat both DCs the same-or do they think they only have one grandchild and ignore the sister. It is a can of worms IMO. We just have grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc from both families treating them alike.

sorry your not you.

No piscesmoon I would not hand my dc over to a stranger. But I am not a stranger, I have been living with my dp and therefore, her dd for half of the week for the past 3 years, since she was a baby. I honestly don't think her mother has any problem with her being with me at all. This thread is about me being uncomfortable about socialising with dp's ex.

To answer your other question - my parents see my dsd as their grandchild, they have been grandparents to her since she was a baby and treat her the same as their other grandchildren.

I wouldn't worry then happymatleave-just do what you are comfortable with and try and be friendly without being too friendly.

the difference between leaving your dc with a stranger and with their dad and the person he shares his life with and has a new family with is massive. its not like you are alone with them like some kind of overnight babysitter - fgs you have a relationship!