to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

[happymatleave]

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

YANBU in my opinion. As others have said it is fantastic that you can all be civil and be together for most special occasions but this doesn't need to be taken further if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

How would your partner feel if your ex and his wife wanted to see you both as much as his ex wants to?

I wonder, too, if you're feeling a bit "rushed" into intimacy?

From the outside, it does sound like a great set up - with all of you getting along in a large, warm, blended family.

But, how much of that was accomplished by you? Or were you sort of "hurried along" into it, a bit quicker than you were comfortable with, by the other 2 adults?

I'm not saying you wouldn't have chosen this level of closeness, or that it isn't desirable. I'm just wondering if part of your "feeling" is because you didn't "choose" it (even though you might have, given time), or get to work towards it at your own speed.

Your dh and his ex-w have known each other for ages, you haven't known ex-w for that long, or that intimately. So, although 3 years sounds like a long time, it isn't really, not for the level of closeness you're all displaying.

It does sound good, but I wonder if you feel conflicted because, although you recognise it as a good outcome, it's sort of been thrust on you a little bit too fast, too deep, and without your really having a say in a matter that is, really about YOUR relationship/boundaries and not just the children's?

Can I just point out that I have never said that she shouldn't see her room. I found it odd to bring other members of her family to look around our house, on more than one occassion, and also that she feels it is ok to go upstairs in our house without asking to get clothes. This was a while after we had moved in and she had already seen the room before. I would not do this, I think it is impolite and overstepping boundaries.

I think getting on with your ex is great, but I wouldn't be happy going round to my husband's exes house for cups of tea and dinner, and certainly wouldn't want her round here bringing her family to inspect our house and asking for cups of tea.
I wouldn't want her looking in drawers in the bedroom either. I wouldn't do that in her house.
I don't see why it has to be try and be good friends or hate each other. You could just be polite when you see each other.
I suspect the fact that you feel forced to give her cups of tea etc so as not to upset the arrangements with your SD is what you find difficult. I probably would feel a bit manipulated in your shoes but agree it's better than screaming fits and your husband not seeing his daughter.
Suspect I'd find excuses not to go to some events.

So, happymatleave, maybe a question to ask is "Why can't I say "no"?"

hbfac, because I would not want to cause trouble when our situation is so amicable and good for the dcs. But I should be more assertive and find a tactful way to approach this.

youwillnotwin - my ex and his new partner live in what was our marital home. I still have a key and until his new partner moved in I used to go and let myself in to collect things for the children. Since she has lived there I have never done this and would not dream of it. It is now her home and I respect that. I knock on the door and go inside if invited, I would never go upstairs and start going through draws.

"Should" is a bit strong, it sounds as though you think you're not coming up to scratch; I suspect you are. I think I'd put it more as "you have permission". And as Heqet suggested - take more account of your feelings, give them validity, weigh them up. It sounds as though you already weigh them against the feelings and rights of others, so, just make sure you don't weigh them too lightly.

I don't know you. for all I know, you may be a really horrible person. But from your posting you sound more like someone who does think about others. If that's what you're like, make sure you put yourself into the mix too.

Thanks hbfac

happy. I thought that might be the case, that's why I told you about Brighton. Once you understand what's the matter - what's really the matter, you can think rationally about it.

So you're jealous of the love he gave to someone before you? the proof of their life together is this little girl? And you can't get away from that? I can avoid Brighton if I want to pretend I'm the only person he ever loved but you have (rightly) this person in your life and that's never going to change.

It is emotional, not logical and now you've gone from a vague feeling, a bristling - to knowing that it's plain old fashioned he loved someone else once, you can use your head. He's with you now. He's building a life with you. His ex is not your enemy.

Fairy nuff Hec- you still don't want her rummaging in yer knicker drawer though

Heqet you are so right. I don't see her as the enemy though.

I don't think not wanting to be best friends with your husband's ex has anything to do with jealousy for most women. I know my husband would not choose to live with his ex again and she is happily married. On the other hand she isn't someone I would normally choose to be friends with, and to go upstairs in someone else's house and rummage around without asking permission is just rude.
Inviting you round for dinner is nice but if her extended family is there I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with this but would go for my husband's sake. It would have been better than all the negative stuff we had from her.
How does your husband behave in her house? If he goes up to his daughter's bedroom and looks for stuff and expects cups of tea then maybe she just sees herself as behaving the same as him which is fair enough.

2rebecca I'm not sure what he does there to be honest, I will ask him, but as she now lives with her new dp I would be supprised if he do things like this.

You can never have your DP all to yourself and your family - he will always be the father of his older children, and the exw will always be the other joint parent. The first priority has to be the welfare of all the childrn, and your DP, to his credit, and his exw seem to be managing it v well, be proud of him! The sooner you accept an invitation and support your DP's style of parenting his older children the better, IMO.

He has CHOSEN you and to be with you, you have nothing to fear - except the potentially divisive approach of resenting his involvement with his former family.

Good luck!

I get the feeling that the OP doesn't resent her husband spending time with his ex and her family but resents feeling forced into a relationship with the ex herself.
You end up doing alot of pretending. It also depends on whether her husband wants to socialise with his ex.
If both the poster and her husband dislike it then they are doing certain things just to keep his ex happy, which mainly means to ensure he keeps seeing his daughter. Alot of fathers feel they jump through hoops for their ex to continue seeing their children. Feeling you are being manipulated is not nice.

2Rebecca - It's not about Happy being "best friends" with her husband's ex wife, it's about knowing what this unidentified thing she's feeling actually is and where it comes from so she can change the way she feels.

When you think about it - what is the reason to be uncomfortable in any way?

There is no logical reason. Is this person going to steal from you? Is this person going to assault you? What is the danger to you that causes you to feel uncomfortable?

There is none. So that leaves feelings. Good old illogical feelings he loved someone else. someone else knows him like you know him, he slept with someone else, he has a child with someone else - etc etc whatever it is you feel. This person shouldn't be in your house, your life. Not because there's a logical reason for that, but because they had a part of him once.

It's just my opinion on it, anyway.

You can feel uncomfortable just because you feel forced into a relationship with an adult you don't enjoy spending time with and who seems to be calling the shots and invading your territory.
This only happens with divorce.
I am always wary re my husband's ex because I know she will use the slightest perceived snub to reduce his contact with his daughter. His parents feel the same.
If she wanted me to go round for dinner with my husband and wanted to bring her family to look round our house I would feel I was only doing it for my husband and to keep him seeing his daughter.
Relationships should be reciprocal, when one party has more power than the other or one party wants a closer relationship than the other it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Actually it doesn't only happen with divorce, some people have posted on here about friendships with female friends or siblings/ inlaws where 2 people have different ideas of how close a relationship they want. If there's a mismatch it causes problems.

It might be difficult for you, unfortunately, that is part of the deal in this situation.

Be assured though that the children (who are, of course, the most important) will thank and respect you all for it in the future.

This sounds very similar to my friends children's situation and they are fine.

I, on the other hand, am in my mid 30s with divorced/remarried parents who didn't ever quite get it right and it impacts on us everytime there is an important event... birthday's, christmas, university graduations, weddings, christenings, funerals... the list goes on and all these have been marred by my parents inability to behave in the way you describe.

Far less stressful for all concerned and years down the road, far more harmonious.

Good luck!

"If it was my DD I would feel I had the right as her mother to see her room, her clothes and be friends with the woman who was living with her and spending time with her."

You might feel that you have that right, but do you realise that you do not in law have it?

Bonsoir: what, it's enjoined in law that you should cut out aunts, uncles, step parents, siblings, etc, and restrict 'family' to partner and DC? As I said, only neurotic losers would do that.

And thankfully, Solid, she also lives in France.

But hey, you reap what you sow in life!

If you sow being spiteful and calling it boundaries, well, paybacks can be hell.