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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

163 replies

happymatleave · 13/01/2010 18:56

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
lucyellensmumagain · 13/01/2010 21:26

YANBU - i think you are being great actually. Of course its going to bother you. You would of course be unreasonable if you put pressure on DP to reduce contact, but why would you want to be friends with his ex - weird

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/01/2010 21:28

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Wonderstuff · 13/01/2010 21:29

My parents get on really well and it makes my life so much easier. I have friends whose parents won't be in the same room and it put a real shadow over every major celebration. So you are doing really well to be at the point you are at imo.
My father has never found a new partner and we have had a few christmas' where he and my mother's ex mil have been to my mother and her new husbands house for Christmas day along with his family. My father and step father have a polite respect for each other and the atmosphere when they are together is relaxed. They would never be friends, they are different and there is a history that would prevent it I think.
So YANBU to not become this womans friend, but continuing to be pleasant and making an effort to attend the childrens events altogether is really fab imo. I love that I can see all 5 of my daughters grandparents without having to trapse round 3 different houses. Great that your DH can see all his children (and they can all see their dad) at Christmas.

moominotter · 13/01/2010 21:29

Face up to it, you are going to have this woman in your life for many many years, for ever maybe!
You must have realised this when you got together with your dp. (Or did you not?)
Anyway, given that she is part of your life now, like it or not, why not get on? Why not be friends? It'll be a lot easier for you, her, everyone, and most importantly all the children involved.
Sounds like she has the maturity to see this, maybe you should try too.

Original poster
happymatleave · 13/01/2010 21:30

The going through draws thing is neither to be helpful or "I'll do what the hell I like", it's more that she doesn't see anything wrong or odd about it, it was as natural as if it was her own home. But the fact is that it is my house and I would not do this to someone else.

To be fair when her family came round they were dropping dsd off and it was more of a casual 'can we have a look around your new house' they didn't come specifically to look at the house.

Thanks for the helpful comments. I think that maybe I need to make a bit more effort generaly and at least meet her half way with reagard to birthdays, family events etc. but also be more assertive about how she behaves in my home.

The most important thing is to get on amicably for the dcs sake and I do agree with everyone who has said that my situation is far better than to have adults falling out and arguing over their children

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 13/01/2010 21:35

shineon - I meant BABY MONITORS... did I say cameras!! ... I could still watch her!!

Surfermum · 13/01/2010 21:36

Well in that case I think maybe you just need to accept that that is how she is, no offence is meant, she's not trying to make a point about anything and be really grateful that it's how it is.

You don't have to be her friend, but I think being able to be around her is essential.

Wonderstuff · 13/01/2010 21:39

As long as she restricts herself to your dsd's room and nothing goes missing is it so bad? My bro has to change his children back into the clothes they were sent to him in (which are always too small and stained) because his ex never ever returned clothes and it was costing a fortune buying new clothes all the time. She recently started sending them in pjs to force him to send her this regular supply of new clothes. Nothing to do with your situation but shows how petit these things can get.

tiredsville · 13/01/2010 21:42

my dh's ex was a fucking nightmare and that's putting it politely.
My life would have been so much easier with a friendly ex on the scene.

...the nosing around the house bit does seem a bit odd tbh...

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 21:55

If you are openly friendly then she probably wouldn't nose.
If another woman was looking after my 4 yr old I would certainly want to know a lot about her and the easiest way is to be a friend.How can you possibly entrust your DC to a virtual stanger?

youwillnotwin · 13/01/2010 22:06

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drloves8 · 13/01/2010 22:08

the ex invites you and DP , because she sees you as a couple . She is trying her best, and it might feel a bit wierd at first but give it a go , take her up on an invite .it will be an advantage to your dsd if you are all on good terms. and thank your lucky stars shes not one of the loon ex`s who try to cause havoc.

youwillnotwin · 13/01/2010 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 13/01/2010 22:18

The most well adjusted DCs I know are a couple where both sets of parents see the teacher at the same time on parent's evening and go to school plays on the same night and sit together. I have no idea if they find it easy or not, but they make the effort for the DCs and it pays off.

RedLeaves · 13/01/2010 22:50

Happymatleave I wanted to be another one to say I don't think YABU. As you have said there is lots of food for thought come up from this thread for you.

I can well understand why you wouldn't want to have Christmas morning with the ex - it changes the whole dynamics of the celebration.

All you folks out there in blended families - the friendly ones - can you honestly tell me that you all spend at least some of Christmas Day together and happily sit round the fire exclaiming with joy over the presents? Anyone? I genuinely would like to know if this is normal.

Christenings, birthdays etc, yes I agree you just have to do it for the kids.

It does seem to be a bit about different boundaries and personalities. When both parties want to keep it polite that's fine and when both parties want to have it as all good friends then that's fine but mix it up and I can see why there would be problems.

It has been interesting for me though to read about these blended families and to see how complicated it can be.

Happymatleave, I wish you good luck in hoping you and the ex manage to find a happy half way house.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 13/01/2010 23:01

TBH when you got together with DH you also took on his DC's and his exW. Which like it or not you are stuck with. I am still with DH but have a fairly blended now divorced step brothers family etc.

As a mother I cannot imagine my children being away from me even if they were with their father. So, from this point of view exW wanting to look at where her DC might sleep seems reasonable.

But, I think calling her bluff and accepting some / one of the invites she extendeds to you may be enough for her to back off a bit. Being ultra nice to her when necessary may make it easier for everyone in the long run.

Then, on the times you dont want to go to something she's invited you to you can claim its important for DH to have a bit of alone / quality time with the dc concerned.

Good luck with this, hope you find a solution that works for you.

fledtoscotland · 13/01/2010 23:24

having read this thread, I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

I totally agree that a nice friendly relationship is essential for your DSD but I would find it unsettling for this woman to be coming into your house, going through the child's clothes etc etc. My parents divorced when I was very young and always got on ok but neither would dream of making it "one big happy family". There has been a split for whatever reason. Now lets move on. This meal doesnt sound like anyone has moved on.

You shouldnt have to be her "friend" although if you get on with her it will make like a lot easier.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 13/01/2010 23:43

Thing is, this woman is family. She is the mother of your baby's half-sibling. If you can think of her as a family member (not unlike a cousin) it might be easier to get your head round the invites to social gatherings. Basically, where children are involved, unless an XP is a horrible person (abusive or unsafe because of being an addict or something) the best way to regard them is as members of an extended family, andkeep the relationship as amicable as possible. Also, it's fair enough to have varying boundaries and try to recognise and explain them: some people wouldn't want their own siblings to rummage through cupboards in their homes, others are completely laid back about such things. Given that in your case, your DP's XP split up with him before your DSD was born, suggesting that the relationship was not a major one for either of them, they don;t have unfinished romantic business and have a goood co-parent relationship.

Sakura · 14/01/2010 00:02

YANBU
Trust your instincts. YOu don't feel comfortable.
The line for me that stood out was that she "wanted to be involved in your lives." THat sounds a bit off key and I think you are right to be wary.
You have a life with your partner and you should be entitled to choose to what extent his previous relationship encroaches on your life with him. Its absolutely wonderful that your partner and ex get along, fabulous, fantastic for the daughter. BUt getting along with his ex has nothing to do with you whatsoever.
Her DD is 4. That means she has not long split up with your partner. NOt saying you shouldn't "trust" her, but she is obviously starting to make you feel uncomfortable by pushing into your life a bit more than you'd like and, dare I say it, push into your happiness a little bit.
I think a lot of other posters are being naive TBH when they are talking about the possibility of you all being like one big happy family. Remember, its not a level playing field here: the ex has LOST OUT on being with the OP'S partner here and if she ever felt something for him of course she's making lots of effort to push back into his life!
As I say, trust your instincts. Be pleasant, but do not feel obligated to accept her invitations to dinners and social events. She may be really a very nice person, but so what? Also, the whole thing could start getting completely out of hand, where your partner may start to expect you to socialize with his ex (who ends up appearing like the "reasonable one, while you end up looking unreasonable.)

hambler · 14/01/2010 00:37

You are fortunate she is friendly towards you and you should try to be more friendly in return, but I think you have realised that.
Best of luck

piscesmoon · 14/01/2010 08:26

I am not in that position, but I am amazed at the number of people who would be happy to have their 4 yr old DD stay overnight with a woman that they don't know and don't even try to know! I wouldn't want to leave DCs that age with people who weren't friends. She is making the best of a bad job IMO and you should meet her half way. If you make an effort you can have the friendship on your terms and then (hopefully) she won't have to be nosy.

Original poster
happymatleave · 14/01/2010 08:38

piscesmoon I understand what you are saying. My children also go and stay with their father and stepmother so I do see it from the other side too. I guess that whilst I understand that she needs to know me and feel happy when her daughter is with me, I feel that she want's to take it further then is neccessary and I am not comfortable with that. I have met my dcs stepmother but when my children go to stay with their dad I trust him to look after them, ensure they are safe etc. I do not feel I need to be friends with their stepmother or vet her to make sure she is suitable to be around my dcs if you see what I mean?

Having listened to the points of view of many others on this thread including yours I accept that I may need to change my attitude towards her for everyones sake especially all our dcs.

OP posts:
midori1999 · 14/01/2010 08:38

Yes, YABU.

I have tried to at least be on speaking terms with my DH's ex wife numerous times, but she is not interested in even speaking to me. DH and I have tried inviting her and her partner out for lunch with the children, but again, not interested. I think she finds the notion we'd even be friendly with each other odd. I just think that's a shame for the DC, and although her and my DH get on to a point, their 'relationship' going well is based on him singing to her tune, basically, otherwise she throws a strop an don't answer her phone to let him speak tot he kids etc. It is a total nightmare for DH. I always think I must have at least somethign in common with hr, after all, DH wanted to marry both of us, we can't be all that different.

On the other hand, I get on very well with my ex husband. He has had overnight stays (required really) when he collects the DC and stayed for Christmas whilst DH was in Iraq. Him and DH get on well actually, although maybe I wouldn't class them as friends.

I also have a friend who is so friendly with her ex that both families go on holiday together, as well as spending a lot of socialising time together. All I can think is how absolutely wonderful for their children.

piscesmoon · 14/01/2010 08:42

The reason that I think that you need to meet her halfway is because she is in your life for ever and you might as well do it on your terms. Set the ground rules and boundries early on. It is easier to do this if you are proactive rather than defensive.

Triggles · 14/01/2010 08:45

My sister did everything she could to upset her exhusband's new wife, including teaching her small children dreadful things to say to her. I tried to get her to understand that this woman was taking care of her children when they were with her exhusband, and this behaviour only made things more difficult for her children. She just didn't care.

I think it's great that she is making an effort to keep things friendly.