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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

163 replies

happymatleave · 13/01/2010 18:56

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 13/01/2010 20:03

The only bit I'd find a little odd is bringing her family to your house to have a look round when you moved in. I'm not sure why that would be necessary.

But other than that I totally agree that you really wouldn't want the alternative. And also agree about having a think about what it is that you are worried about.

aSilverLining · 13/01/2010 20:08

Is there an issue with missing clothes if little girl is back and forth? I wouldn't do as she has done and want to go into the room looking for clothes, had she asked before about certain items or anything or was it out of the blue? I would not be that forward personally. With older dcs you could ask them to go their room and ferret for clothes , but no, I wouldn't feel that forward personally.

I do think on the whole it is a good situation that you should help to support.

There is nothing wrong with having certain boundaries in place. Do you feel able to say for example, "I'd rather you didn't go upstairs but I am happy to have a root around for you later". ?

Original poster
happymatleave · 13/01/2010 20:28

aSilverLining - I think I have shyed sp? away from saying anything and about her coming into the house, overstepping boundaries etc. where as I should have said something as you have eg. above.

Maybe if I were a bit more friendly towards her I would feel more able to approach her about things like this. Food for thought for me I guess

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 13/01/2010 20:35

My only reservation here (and OP, only you can answer it) is whether the Ex is doing it 'for effect'...

What I mean is... DH's ex and I have never gotten on. I tried, got a whole heap of grief and decided to back off... Ex used to PUSH AND PUSH (it was she who phoned me up demanding to get upstairs in my house to see DSDs bedroom - she NEEDED to know where her kids slept)

So, I got over myself. Said - you know, I don't care - you are welcome here, any time, do whatever, come for drinks etc. etc.,

It was meant sincerely, but since that point, I have def. won the war. (not that there was one on my side, but YKWIM) By letting it go, she doesn't know what to do.

So, my only reservation would be that the Ex is 'killing by kindness' and that's perhaps why the OP feels uneasy?

Irons · 13/01/2010 20:44

I wish my DH's ex was this friendly. We've been together nearly 6 years, married for 3 and she finds it difficult to say "hello". I have never been rude to her or unfriendly and have tried for her son's sake. The more everyone gets on the better. There are children involved who are siblings and that should be of more importance than silly adults who have "issues" with ex partners.

YABU and immature. Fair enough if you can't make the dinner because I don't like taking my baby out after bedtime either, but on other occasions you could make the effort for your children.

StrictlyKatty · 13/01/2010 20:46

I just personally feel the OP is being somewhat passive agressive.

If it were HER DS's birthday I'm sure she would let the baby stay up a little bit longer. It's a little girls birthday and she has already said she NEVER accepts any invites so I do think the baby staying up late for one night is a bit of a week excuse. When DS was 6 months old we look him on a flight across Europe to a house party where he stayed up practically all day til past 8pm at night so my DH's 92 year old Grandmother could see him for what could have easily been the last time (as well as the first). If it's important enough, one night is not the end of the world.

The Ex is trying, more than many do. She's not being met half way, or even 10% of the way.

StrictlyKatty · 13/01/2010 20:47

weak excuse

expatinscotland · 13/01/2010 20:53

Yes, you are being really immature and unreasonable.

donkeyderby · 13/01/2010 20:54

I have to disagree with so many here and say YANB completely U. My DH's ex used to invite us round regularly when we first got together and I happily went along, pleased to be included in this modern extended family.

However, it didn't take long before she started sniping to me about DH behind his back and getting in stroppy moods whenever we were there. She seemed to want to get me on her side and turn me against DH. She was full of anger and self-pity about all sorts of things and was obviously not happy that DH had found someone else even though she had a new partner and a child with him. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife and everyone including the children suffered.

Your dp's ex has invaded your space and I can see why this has made you jittery. Hopefully though, she has got good intentions and has worked through her issues with your dp. You should absolutely give it a go for the children's sake and if - as in my case - it doesn't work, re-think.

Original poster
happymatleave · 13/01/2010 20:56

But I have already said that we have been at birthday parties etc. together, and I am friendly towards her. So I don't think it's fair to say that I don't even meet her 10% of the way.

It is not a weak excuse, if you read it properly you would also see that I had to take my other dc's to their dad's at the same time.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 13/01/2010 20:58

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Original poster
happymatleave · 13/01/2010 21:00

Thank you shineocraydiamond

OP posts:
geordieminx · 13/01/2010 21:00

First thing that struck me as a bit weird which is totally irrelevant is having a "meal" for a 4 year old on a wednesday night.. but I only have a 2.5 year old so maybe its the norm.

FWIW I kinda know where you are coming from on this, my ex's exw was like this sometimes, and then the rest of the time she was bitter and vindictive. I didnt trust her, and with good reason as there was always an ulterior motive as far as she was concerned.

Try and accept it, go with the flow IYKWIM? By making an issue of it you will be seen as the bitter one, especially if there isnt anything to make an issue of. TBH there would have been more of a problem if she had only invited your dh.

And, although I accept that I will probably be flamed for this - as a wise person once said - keep your friends close and your enemies closer

harimosmummy · 13/01/2010 21:02

Happymatleave - I think this is a difficult one, because we all have our own situations and all have out own ideas of how we would like it to be (and in most cases, that is probably not too far off from what you have described)

No one can make you feel at ease with it, but You DO have to try (as Heqat said) to work out why you feel like that and to break it down.

if the ex is being genuine, then you have nothing to lose - acutally, even if she isn't, you still have nothing to lose.

Keep your guard, if you feel it's required, but (and this is MHO) I'd go to everything I was invited to.

Put on a happy face and have a large wine when you get home if needed, but do it for the kids.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/01/2010 21:07

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NeedCoffee · 13/01/2010 21:09

well.. yanbu to feel a bit upset but that is what I try to be like with DD1s new partner and things seem to go ok. I have no feelings whatsoever for exdp and I actually quite like the new partner.

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 13/01/2010 21:09

They have a child together, it makes them a family divorced or not.

I think they are fantastic and their child will be much happier for knowing she has two parents who love her and do not hate each other.

I think you can do one of two things
A accept that you are now part of a large extended family
B suck it up and stay out of it

MaggieMnaSneachta · 13/01/2010 21:11

You have a baby and his youngest from a previous is only four, so it can't be that long since your partner and his x were a couple.... and YET, she's not devasted! how can that be? is it that she thinks your boyfriend is somebody she's better off without? does she think she can do better/has done better?

Just trying to put that on the table, because I guess in your shoes, that's what would make me feel uncomfortable. Obviously friendliness is best, but a part of me would be thinking, how come she's not feeling intimidated by me, and our coupleydom etc...

it sounds like your baby will have the opportunity to be close to her half sister. so often, older half siblings are virtual strangers.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/01/2010 21:13

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harimosmummy · 13/01/2010 21:15

Shineon - I have 2 DSDs (have done for over a decade now) and I'd love a more blended approach to parenting.

I'd love to be invited to their family stuff and I'd love to invite Dh's ex (along with the DSDs) to our family stuff.

I don't see why she should be excluded (just as I disagree with the fact that my DH is excluded from so much)

It doesn't need to be like that.

any other familial relationship, you would make do, get on with it, etc., so why not in the case of step parenting?

It actually annoys the life out of me that DH's ex's reason for having nothing to do with my DC is that 'they are nothing to do with her' WHAT A CROCK! They are her children's half siblings and (if she were truthful) the reason she doesn't like my DS is because she always wanted a boy and doesn't have one.

harimosmummy · 13/01/2010 21:16

And, they are still a family.

Perhaps not a nuclear family, but a family all the same.

there are just more of us in this family than there used to be!

Surfermum · 13/01/2010 21:18

I think it depends whether it was "rifling" or genuinely thinking she was being helpful and going to pack a few things. It would depend for me too whether she had an air of "I'll do what the hell I like" or if she approached it in a "is it ok if I pop and get her top" sort of way.

And why did she want her family to see your house?

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/01/2010 21:19

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Theochris · 13/01/2010 21:20

You have recently had a new baby with DSDs dad. It was her birthday. If that was your daughter you would have moved mountains to make sure the important people in her life were there (including her brother).

You have your reasons, fine but try to think that this is about a 4 year old. A new sibling is an unsettling time.

Unless you have any real reasons for suspecting evil intentions she may just be nice and have slightly different boundaries to you. Nothing you have described to me would be a deal breaker for a friend (a bit odd perhaps, though I think it's nice if DSD can show her room off). If you can get this to work you are saving a lot of pain in the future.

harimosmummy · 13/01/2010 21:26

Shineon - I have cameras in every room I could keep an eye on her!!

Seriously, she did call once or twice demanding to see DSDs rooms (this is when she thought it would cause a problem with me) and the time she came to pick up DSDS (sometthing she very rarely does) I said: Oh, please... doo... go upstairs and see their rooms' She couldn't get out fast enough.

Right now, I'd take overstepping the mark to the communication black out we have now.

Seriously, I mean it quite literally: Unless Ex or the DSDs need money, we DO NOT hear from them from one weekend to the next.

it really is that bad. I can tell, immeadiately, if one of the DSDs calls, whether their mum knows they are calling... their whole persona changes when she is about

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