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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

163 replies

happymatleave · 13/01/2010 18:56

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
nancydrewrocks · 14/01/2010 08:50

IMO YABU

I'm not in your position but I do have young DC and if I split with DH and he remarried I would want to know everything about his new wife and her life if my DC were going to spend a significant amount of time with her.

I appreciate there have to be boundaries and I would do my best not to impose myslef on her but TBH yes I would want to know where my DC were sleeping every night; what the house was like; what the step mum was liek etc etc. 4 is so young and it I personally would find it very diificult if such a big part of my DC's life was unknown to me.

Maybe I a am crazy but I also imagine I would do everything I could to ensure my four year old opened her christmas presents with both parents.

Original poster
happymatleave · 14/01/2010 09:03

DP and I have been together for over 3 years now, so since dsd was only a baby. Her mother has never had any problem with her being with me, as far as I know. I think she knows me fairly well by now and as I have already said we are friendly when we meet, which is often, and have been to birthday parties etc. together. I'm just not so sure about the more intimate family meals or parties at her house for adults when the dcs wouldn't even be there. But maybe thats my problem rather than hers.

I too understand that she would like to see where her dd is going to sleep as I would also but she has only wanted to see this house, not the previous one we lived in when dsd was only a baby.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 09:09

You are not immature - you are perfectly normal! The fact that partners have children by previous relationships does not, in this day and age, mean that you have to live in a harem! You have your family and you are quite entitled to draw boundaries around it.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 09:13

The myth of the wicked stepmother . . . is true!

Original poster
happymatleave · 14/01/2010 09:15

Yesterday Heqet was trying to get to the bottom of why I feel uncomfortable about this. I've been having a think about it overnight and

1 - this is totally my problem but I guess that I don't like my dp spending time with someone who he was once so intimate with. There is nothing I can do about this but accept it, I know that and I would never do anything to cause trouble but I am being honest here and I don't like it. It may not make much sence but I can't help the way I feel.

2 - I find the thought of socialising with his ex and her family a bit daunting. They are all very close and can take the piss etc. with any outsiders. So although I am fine with going to dcs birthday parties where there are other parents to mingle with I feel a bit wary of going to a small family meal (her family only) and being the outsider.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 14/01/2010 09:15

I dont think YABU, but mainly cos the whole ex issue is NEVER going to easy, ever ever ever. This someone you used to shag your DH to be blunt, so whatever she does, will piss you off!

I do agree though that (a) it could be worse and (b) her daughter is very small and its 100% her right to check the environment

If i were you I would keep a big smile on my face and stay civil and friendly, in parallel gently but firmly define your boundaries.

did not see, does shye have a new partner?

Original poster
happymatleave · 14/01/2010 09:16

expatinscotland I really am not a wicked stepmother

OP posts:
Original poster
happymatleave · 14/01/2010 09:17

yes she has a partner

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 09:22

happymatleave doesn't sound remotely wicked and it is gratuitous cruelty to suggest that.

Everyone has the right to draw personal boundaries around their nuclear family in the modern age. Harems belong to primitive, tribal societies.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 14/01/2010 09:27

BOnsoir, what utter bullshit. The enclosed small nuclear family is claustrophobic for most people, and those who try to keep it small are usually neurotic and inadequate (mostly obsessive monogamists who regard a partner as a possession).

Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 09:29

SolidGold - the law agrees with me, not you! Maybe you should look into it a little?

littlemoominmamma · 14/01/2010 09:29

I find it very sad that it seems that BM's seem to be dammed whatever they do as far as some stepmothers are concerned.

If she is not friendly she is using her kids, bitter etc....

If she is friendly she has hidden motives and cannot be trusted around the father of her children!

Saying your partner and his ex and child are not a family anymore is particuarly immature imo - they are family to this little girl!!!! wether together or not, they are still her mum and dad - maybe you need to get over that.

claw3 · 14/01/2010 09:32

I think its brilliant that they are able to get along so well and get together for the sake of their DD and celebrate her birthday as a family.

I also think its brilliant that the ex accepts you and tries to make you feel welcome.

My ex's first partner was a right bitch, she didnt like me simply for being his ex and resented the kids. They soon split up.

His current partner is lovely, she involves the kids as much as possible and her son who is the same age as mine and he often comes here.

A much better atmosphere for all for concerned. Personally i think you are lucky.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 14/01/2010 09:33

happymatleave, I think you said something very telling in the second point of your post at 9.15 "I find the thought of socialising with his ex and her family a bit daunting. They are all very close and can take the piss etc. with any outsiders" - is it more about the group dynamic than the exW herself here? To be honest, that just sounds like you're a bit shy and intimidated and that's understandable so don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe you could tell her that? This is a genuine "it's not you it's me" conversation which could strengthen your relationship hopefully. She sounds like a nice person, as do you.

Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 09:34

There is absolutely no reason for mothers of children with stepmothers to be "friendly". Sometimes there are "business" reasons to get together but there are not social reasons.

FWIW, I don't think birthdays should be celebrated with both parents together as described in the OP - two celebrations, one at each house, is a lot more appropriate.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 09:36

Too right, Solid!

As for cruel, Bonsoir: pot.kettle.black.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 09:38

No one is suggesting the OP live in a 'harem', especially as harems, by definition, are polygamous. That idea is yours.

claw3 · 14/01/2010 09:38

Bonsoir, more appropriate for who?

youwillnotwin · 14/01/2010 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 09:44

For everyone concerned. Understanding the boundaries of personal relationships is something that children learn best from good role models.

It is quite possible for divorced parents to be individually excellent and cooperative without needing to spend time together with their children.

Wonderstuff · 14/01/2010 09:46

Well Bonsoir I'm glad you aren't part of my family, why on earth should a child have to have 2 celebrations because adults can't bare to be in the same room? What about weddings and graduations? I know many people have had these things ruined by parents not getting on.It all gets much more complicated and the children grow up and have their own children, my dd has 5 grandparents in 3 different houses, thankfully they all get along and she can have just one birthday which they all attend. Also where on earth have you got the idea that celebrating a birthday together is equivilant to being in a harem? No one is suggesting that the OPs DH continues to have relations with his ex or that they should all move in together!

RedLeaves my family (mum, stepdad, father, mothers of all the above, me, dh and dd) all spent Christmas together, only tensions came from competing great grandmothers!

claw3 · 14/01/2010 09:55

Bonsoir, although i would not want to socialise with my ex and his partner as a rule. We do sometimes when it involves the kids.

For example my eldest ds was being presented with a trophy at a presentation evening. They do not have separate nights and my ds wanted us both to be there.

Why should an ex have to miss something like this just because you have split up? Why should a child not be able to have both parents there on a special occasion?

hbfac · 14/01/2010 09:57

Happymatleave - I agree with Hequet and think you should think about your feelings. As in, take some time to reflect on "what" they are and "why" they are.

Ask yourself if Shineon has a point, and if it's boundaries.
Also, I wonder if, reading your posts, you feel as though she treats you like a child?

I wonder if behind the confidence she seems to show, there is also a degree of uncertainty. So, perhaps she is waiting for you also to contribute your tuppence-worth of how you would like your relationship to go, what shape it's to have? You can, you know. Thank goodness you all seem civil. You can all be imaginative, nothing is set in stone. Mercifully, you all seem to have agreed on basic premisses.

Because what I'm hearing is that you're a little worried about the closeness between her and you. It strikes me it's just too quick for you, maybe?

You seem to agree with the majority of the posters that your situation is preferable to being at loggerheads - and what you are interested in is the "feeling". So ... that's why I agree with Hequet.

BitOfFun · 14/01/2010 10:08

It's good to get along and be able to do large parties, chat pleasantly etc, but no need to be good mates. My DP's ex is very friendly, but I keep her at a polite distance while being warm when I see her. I haven't taken her up on offers of going out for a drink though- I don't want to be drawn into faux-eyerolling about DP's habits or anything. At the beginning of our relationship, her friendliness came across as a bit pushy if I'm honest, so I can understand the OP's feelings. She would call DP to do a bit of DIY etc , and her social invitations to me seemed a bit likej she was still trying to play the Matriarch who was graciously including me in her extended family but was still In Charge, IYSWIM, and "letting" DP see me. Which was irritating, but it passed as I didn't get stroppy about it, I just didn't get closer than I was comfortable with.

Now I'm glad she is easy to get along with, but I don't feel like we need to be great friends or anything.

MissWooWoo · 14/01/2010 10:09

Sounds to me like the ex wants her dd to be as happy as she can possibly be and part of that means having her dad around. You're part of the package now, she's extending the hand of friendship to you which is almost unheard of in these situations.

I can totally understand your reservations, it's completely understandable that you feel as you do. Don't beat yourself up over this. I do think you're going to have to bite the bullet and get to know everyone a bit better, you never know you might enjoy it. It's hard but unless you and dp aren't going to stay the distance his "old" family are always going to be around.

Hope this makes some sense?

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