to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

[happymatleave]

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

sorry, I meant your DP, not DH.

Try to think of how much easier it is going to be for your DSD if she knows that the people she loves (and she will grow to love you) can get on well and can be invited to all the big events of her life without tension/unpleasantness etc.

She will not be put in the position of "choosing" between her two families like so many kids are.

Oh. And would it help you to identify your reason if I told you that I won't go to Brighton with my husband because he used to go there with his ex-fiancée and I am too jealous of the fact that he loved someone before me and I want to pretend he never had an ex and never wanted to marry someone else and I can't bear the thought that maybe she'd be his first choice.

God, I would LOVE DH's ex to even go half way to include us in anything to do with the DSDs.

We hear NOTHING unless they require money.

And, if there is an invite, it is extended to DH only. Never to me or our DC.

I think it's lovely that the ex feels OK to have a cup of tea with you, go to DC's room (I have actually offered to show DH's ex her DCs rooms - she just looked down (she never looks AT me) and said no.

Because you have 2 DDs and there is no way you would miss your own DD's birthday! I would be furious with my DH if he thought our DS's birthday was more important than my DS's birthday. They are all brothers!

How refreshing....... no need to worry about arguments at birthdays, christmas, graduation, wedding, grandchildren.... wow.

She may be finding this a little uncomfortable too but seems to want to do what is right for their child. I don't think she is any threat to your relationship as she is including you in everything. What a lovely mum, and I'm sure you are too.

You and her are in each others lives now forever, why not try to be friends? If there is no good reason not to that makes you all grown ups.

It lays some great ground work for when the DSD is older and pushing boundaries a bit.

Just out of interest, why did they break up?

piscesmoon - I understand where you are coming from but I don't and would never expect my dp to treat his daughter any different to our ds. I said that it bothers me, not that he shouldn't go.

Is the ex in a relationship?

Theochris - they split up before they knew about the pregnancy. Allways been very amicable 50/50 split for childcare etc.

My parents never spoke once they split up, I was a teenager and it was a nightmare. Inevitably it was a factor in my relationship with my father breaking down, the fact that my mother would only scream at him rather than talk rationally. She never , ever got over the hurt he caused.

However, when my mother remarried,her new DH ex was really friendly to me and my mum and I was always present at step brothers major events as was she.

Still keep in contact with her now, much more amicable for all.

Please accept her friendship, better for all, think it will be harder for her to sit round a table with you rather than you.

So. yes, think YABU. However just becaused you have a meal together once / twice a year Christmas and Birthdays does not need to make it a friendship more of a casual aquaintance.

Yes the ex is in a relationship and has been for the past year or so.

Are you worried if she is too nice he will go back to her?

That makes it a great situation then. No bad feeling and no reason that you should feel threatened. She is just trying to be a good mum and a decent person. You should go and start trying to be as nice as she is being

Think of all those potential holiday/special day conflicts you will be avoiding.

He is the natural father of both. I am the natural mother of all our DSs and I would be at all their birthdays. My DH is the step father of DS1 and I would be horrified if he thought he could miss a birthday, when he wouldn't do it to DS2 and DS3.
You haven't got the ideal situation, but you should be treating DSD in the same way that you treat DS, they are siblings. You can separate it more if you have 'his' and 'hers' but once you have joint DCs it complicates things and they have to be equal to both parents IMO.

No, not worried that they will get back together - god I sound more and more irrational!

Heqet - maybe you are right, I need to figure out why it bothers me so much.

piscesmoon - I see what you mean, by not wanting to go and join in myself and not taking our ds I am stoping him from going to his sister's birthday meal. My reasons for not going tonight were also genuine though, I do think it would have been too late to take a baby and drive 20 miles in the snow tonight, it has been snowing here all day.

OK, would you be friends with the ex, if she wasn't the ex? ie Is she the type of person you'd choose as a friend?

While I can be friendly to DH's ex and her family, I don't want them as friends. They're not the type of people I'm attracted to, and if it wasn't for meeting DH, then I'd not have met them at all.

I think you're right, friendly but not friends, but also not stopping your DP from attending family functions if he wants to do so for his DD's sake.

I come from a blended family where everyone gets along great (now) and I love it!

I'm not in the country where my family live often any more, but when I do go I love the big family gatherings with all my siblings, half siblings, step siblings and their mums all together. It's a lovely 'big family' experience.

Not all my step-parents have been equally friendly about exes though, and particularly my step-mothers were usually awful about it. The result when my dad was still alive was really stressful birthdays/christmases etc. To the extent that I refused to invite anyone at all to my wedding because I couldn't bear to have my dad's latest wife in the same room as my mum, my step-dad and my mum's bf at the time.

When families get complicated, unless the adults are particularly adult about it all, the children do suffer.

Wow I think she is trying really hard to make an effort so her DD sees everyone is happy and gets along and therefore feels happy and secure herself. She is 4 FGS so it is very important she sees her parents get on ok and not arguements all the time.

I can't believe how selfish and immature you are, do you actually want drama? Would you rather she hated you? It seems such an odd response, she's asking you to do things too, not just her DD's Dad so evryone is included yet you go out of your way to be difficult

StrictlyKatty - I am not going out of my way to be difficult, I said I was glad to have reasons not to go tonight but they were still genuine reasons.

No of course I don't want drama, I have said a few times that it is far better for things to be amicable and friendly.

I think I have taken everyones opinions here on board and acknowledged that I am probably being unreasonable so why is your post so aggresive towards me?

I think the telling part of your OP is: "So far we have never gone"

It is the fear of the unknown which makes you feel sick. Go. It will not be as bad as you fear, and may well allay all the fears and anxieties you have about the situation.

I'm certain that the reality of being at the party/dinner/gathering will in no way be as bad as you imagine.

Coming onto thread a little late but wanted to echo what the majority have said really, she sounds like she wants what's best for her DD, and as her and your DP have 50:50 split care of her I can understand her wanting to know about her bedroom, feeling able to have a cuppa with you, etc.

Imagine if your littlest had to be away from you 50% of the time, you would want to get on with them wouldn't you?

You don't have to be best buds with her but I would treat her as a friend or sister in terms of getting on, having a chat, seeing each other at social events.

As others have said, having myself been a SP with a difficult, obstructive, unfriendly ex on the scene, your scenario sounds blissful and is IMO what all blended families should aim for.

to be fair, I do think that it's odd she would come into your home and go to DSD's room to ferret about for clothes.

I would feel uncomfortable about that. It's fine to want to have a good relationship with exes but she should maybe respect the fact that your home life is just that, your home life.

tethersend - you may be right

aSilverLining - I can't imagine any of my children being away from me 50% of the time, that is true. But my older dc's do have a stepmother and I would feel like I was introuding by going upstairs in her house etc. I just feel it is overstepping boundries.