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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to believe you can't steal husbands?

359 replies

WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 14:35

I have been perplexed to read on here that some posters seem to believe you can "steal someone else's husband".

I am sure you can steal a dog or a handbag, maybe even a good idea(!?!)... but spouses, even if belong with each other, certainly do not belong to each other.

Equally, I'm rather confused that once a man has married or other moved onto the ummmm... the "new model", how can the lady in question continue to be termed the OW? Surely, she is now "The Woman"...

Just wondering as people keep referring to the NM culture about this issue, so sorry if it has been debated before.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 10/01/2010 17:22

we always focus on "vulnerable husbands" but never "vulnerable wives" - what happens to them?

eatsshootsleaves · 10/01/2010 17:24

Whoops, tautology at the end but ykwim.

BooHooo · 10/01/2010 17:26

I totally agree with the OP. No one can be stolen or taken or even tempted away if they are happy and deeply in love in the first place.

I know plenty of people who have met their husbands when they were with someone else it happens all the time, people are very wary to admit it though as the response is always quite predictable; that you were hell bent on "staling" someone else's man.

I feel really strongly that no one is anyone else's property.

NewLeaseofLife · 10/01/2010 17:26

They fall apart then eventually get quite bitter and twisted. This slowly passes and they realise that it was actually one of the best things that could ever have happened. They then thank the OW, smile nicley and get on with their great new life!

BooHooo · 10/01/2010 17:27

Has anyone here been out with a married man? That would answer a lot of these questions. I bet LOADS have....

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 10/01/2010 17:27

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OprahWinfrey · 10/01/2010 17:31

I believe that in Islam, for a woman to to be seen by a man is considered fornification of the eyes. Hair is considered to be very sexy and bewitching, and not to be shown to any man unless your own husband or brothers.

Hmmmm... So I ask, would you all agree that a woman should be covered from head to toe in case a man, married or engaged, or single, or living with someone, should think about this other woman when he goes home to his wife? Or would you stretch that to you can see woman, but not speak?

Does this apply if a man thinks about a hot actress, because that could be banned too. I mean...television. And then... if women shouldn't be seen at all by men, what's the use of educating them right?

I can't believe that a lot of Mumsnetters would even think that the other woman is to blame for taking a man. It's positively medieval. I'm astonished by the narrow minded attitude of some posters.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 10/01/2010 17:37

Never ever been out with a married man. I believe it is fundamentally wrong.

if your husband can be tempted away when you are going through a bad patch I reckon your marriage isn't worth much.

I think the test of your marriage is whether is endures unhappiness or not. I wouldn't want 'can't take a happy man out of a happy marriage' I'd want 'Can't take an unhappy man out of an unhappy marriage' I reckon that's what I've got now. DH would never leave me for someone else, he would leave me if I had had an affair but that is not for definite and would not leave for any other reason unless it was an abusive relationship. The same for me. I think there'd be no problem we couldn't work through.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 17:40

Sorry - I have been icing the said chocolate cake...

Curiosity - Controversy is good. There are potentially so many different things to disagree on that nice people inevitably lack principles, don't you think...

Hmm.... it was his house in the sense that he bought it, earned the money to pay the mortgage and his name is on the deeds. They were not married, so it is not a shared marital asset.. So now, he is allowing his ex-gf to live in his house.

But back to the semantics... perhaps someone could construct a venn diagram to explain when it is ok to date someone...

For clarity, DH had told his ex-gf unequivacoly that it was over and moved into a rented flat prior to asking me out... and as I had a young baby at the time... it was a few weeks before we did much more than a chaste kiss on the cheek... but after a few weeks, he proposed - and it just felt right, and so we were married very quickly....

However, I see now in the spooky secret Mumsnet (sorry!) rules, despite being served a reprieve for not shagging until they had their own ironing piles, I am now being accused of having lascivious thoughts about him whilst she was still ironing his shorts... Oh good grief... I don't know.. shall I confess to occassionally thinking he had a nice butt.. sorry, but it is rather a cute one...

Bonsoir - am rather relieved you read the FT, given people seem to think we are the same person

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 10/01/2010 17:43

Totally agree with OP, and I've been banging this drum on here for months. It's insulting and infantilising men to treat them as toddlers who follow whatever nice lady offers them a biscuit.

I would extend this as far as to male relatives too - I've seen loads of posters blame their SILs or MILs for their partner's shortcomings, almost as if men are expected to be crap, but it is the job of women to pick up the slack, and if they don't they are personally at fault.

It's an oddly dated attitude and to me it sits weirdly on here considering how terribly modern most MNers are about everything else.

Sassybeast · 10/01/2010 17:43

Why did you say that he left his ex when he met you ?

morningpaper · 10/01/2010 17:47

lol @ these people pestering the OP

do you want her to be a bad woman so that you can reassure yourselves that her argument is invalid?!

Heqet · 10/01/2010 17:47

You know, we've had threads on here where someone has said that they got with a married man.

You know what the opinion was?

home-wreaker!!! Wait until he leaves. If he really wants to be with you, he should leave the person he is with before taking up with you. It's the decent thing to end a relationship first if you meet someone you want to be with. Make sure you are free to be together. Sometimes it happens, that's life, you are in a relationship and you meet someone but the decent thing to do is to end the existing relationship first....

these are all things I remember MNers saying on threads like that!!

Now here we have someone who says that the man did exactly that.

And she's still wrong.

BelleDameSansMerci · 10/01/2010 17:48

I also do not believe that anyone can be stolen. It's ridiculous. I did think of starting a thread (after reading Washwithcare's previous thread) to ask if anyone would actually admit to having met and wanted/started something while their DP was with someone else. I absolutely do not believe that every coupled up poster on MN met their DP when they were both single!

dittany · 10/01/2010 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heqet · 10/01/2010 17:50

I was sort of seeing someone when I met my husband.

It was casual, the odd date, nothing legally binding! but I didn't actually tell them about each other. Just stopped calling the other bloke back.

I think that's a bit different from an actual relationship though.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 10/01/2010 17:51

WWC - Controversy is good and brilliant that you can stick up for yourself without getting angry and abusive/upset!

I think it is OK to date someone if you have ducked yourself in the river to first check whether or not you are a witch, thrown salt over your shoulder and waited 5 years since they split up with their ex.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 17:52

No, I don't think anyone can be stolen, either.

I just wonder why someone would think so little of him or herself that they felt that was all they could get: some person who'd be willing to lie and cheat (in the event they were still married and hadn't left the person yet).

I did go out with a married man. I was 19, he was 43 and one of my lecturers at university, a well-known professor in his field.

I was really stupid, young, foolish and naive, not that there's any excuse for behaving that way, I was old enough to know it was wrong.

But I broke it off and felt nothing but shame ever since.

I was very young then and quite immature.

But to do that well into your adulthood?

Saddo. Pitiful, really.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 17:52

Good grief Sassy - you are determined to be mortified, aren't you - I meant he has left his ex already when we started getting hot and dirty....

Curiosity is right though - a good relationships is one that can stand the ups and downs. Have a nasty feeling that the "she stole my H brigade" just want to abdicate any share of the responsibility for screwing things up...

Good friend of mine used to treat her OH like crap, often threw him out of her house, would complain he didn't earn enough or do enough with the kids... Then one day she threw him out to his mums again, and he didn't come back. Then it became clear he was dating someone else... Then she went into full exorcist demented mode, and suddenly he had left her for the evil-b**ch... then she started frustrating access to the kids.... ho hum.....

OP posts:
edam · 10/01/2010 17:53

If you can steal a husband, does that mean divorced men are like rescue dogs? Can I get one from the pound? Is there a Royal Society for the Re-homing of Errant Husbands?

BritFish · 10/01/2010 17:53

no, you cant 'steal' a man, because that implies he went against his will.
i hate women who spend most of their time and effort bitching about the 'other woman' and make excuses for their husbands. um, its his fault? hes the one whos in control of his fidelity?
'she got pregnant to steal him and make sure he had no escape'
mmm yes, im sure his penis was simply screaming, trying to get out!
that doesnt mean that if there was another woman i wouldnt track her down and maim her, she could go visit my husband...in the morgue.

macdoodle · 10/01/2010 17:55

Ho hum ho hum - why do newbies always (a) assume and get stroppy about some secret MN club (b) assume they are always right

Why do OW always assume (a) that there was soemthing wrong with the marriage or the XW not the prick of a lying man and (b) that they are so much better than the XW/P and it will never happen to them

Sassybeast · 10/01/2010 17:56

Not mortified at all OP - just think it's funny that you changed your story after you realised how few people agreed with your stance that he should abandon the lunatic ex and his children for you

If you have had an affair with someone, why can't you acknowledge responsibility for the hurt that your actions have caused to his ex and his children ?

Ah well - least when he leaves you to go and shag someone else, you won't turn into a bitter, demented ex eh ?

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 17:57

Well, you do raise some valid and salient points as ever, macdoodle.

edam · 10/01/2010 17:58

It's quite funny to see a newbie getting stroppy about an NM club though. I was dying to say 'perhaps you should address your comments to Netmums' but someone got in there before me.

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