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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to believe you can't steal husbands?

359 replies

WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 14:35

I have been perplexed to read on here that some posters seem to believe you can "steal someone else's husband".

I am sure you can steal a dog or a handbag, maybe even a good idea(!?!)... but spouses, even if belong with each other, certainly do not belong to each other.

Equally, I'm rather confused that once a man has married or other moved onto the ummmm... the "new model", how can the lady in question continue to be termed the OW? Surely, she is now "The Woman"...

Just wondering as people keep referring to the NM culture about this issue, so sorry if it has been debated before.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 10/01/2010 16:07

I don't really want to attract any more attention than necessary to my back bumper

curiositykilledhaskittens · 10/01/2010 16:08

WWC I am beginning to like you rather a lot! You don't shy away from controversy do you?

I don't think you can steal a husband, or a wife for that matter! People leave their marriages for lots of reasons. If they have left to be with someone else it is sad but the new person is not the one who made the commitment or the decision about the old relationship. Clearly having an extra-marital affair in secret is wrong but not as much the other person's fault as the committed one even if the set about trying to seduce someone's partner IMHO.

I very much enjoy the thought that husbands are stupid creatures who can be stolen and will happily love anyone just because they're told to. Or at least I would if it weren't so offensive to men!

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 16:11

There was an excellent article (in fact a book review) in the FT Life & Arts section this weekend, all about modern marriage, that ended on what I thought was an excellent definition.

By the definition of marriage in that article "stealing" of husbands is not possible. But it all depends on what you think marriage is. Many women on MN seem to think that once you have that ring on your finger, anything goes and that your other half must put up with anything at all.

scaredoflove · 10/01/2010 16:13

No one can be stolen. Someone happy in their relationship and who wants to be monogamous, will be. They won't be tempted by anything

I have read both threads, she wasn't the OW, her dp moved on quickly but she wasn't to blame. My ex moved met and moved in with his now dp within a month of me telling him I didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce. They are blissfully happy a decade on. There is no time limit on how long after a break up you should remain single

Morloth · 10/01/2010 16:26

OK, perhaps I should say I have never seen it work out, not once, not in real life and not online. And I have not heard an original "excuse" ever, though everytime it happens the people involved think they are special and it won't go wrong for them.

If a someone can break such big promises to one person (who they presumably loved at the time of the promises) what is to stop them doing it again when a better offer comes along?

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 16:28

Morloth - what do you think about partners (of whatever sex) who are very badly treated/abused in marriage? Is it really only their fault if they seek solace with another person?

IMVHO, many so called "guilty parties" are victims. And that is why the divorce laws have been changed over the years.

morningpaper · 10/01/2010 16:28

"If a someone can break such big promises to one person (who they presumably loved at the time of the promises) what is to stop them doing it again when a better offer comes along?"

Personally I think that such promises are a bit bonkers

I wouldn't want someone to stay with me purely because they made a promise 20 years ago

I'd want them to stay with me because we had fun together

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 10/01/2010 16:29

WWC, how can you say you chose not to get hysterical about it when you are throwing a fit about your h supporting the children he sees as his and who see him as a father?

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 16:32

WashwithCare - I completely concur with your opinion on the MN idea (have never come across it anywhere else, ever) that people who separate/divorce should have some kind of relationship moratorium for, say, a year.

WTF?

ScaredOfCows · 10/01/2010 16:42

Golly WWC - you have arrived in a whirlwind of controversy, haven't you!

pagwatch · 10/01/2010 16:45

the only trouble with that MP is that in a 20 years marraige there are usually tough times to face.
As much as we love each other, the stress of bereavement, illness, the death or long term illness of a child can make duty and responsibilty - whilst decidely unromantic and unsexy, a real virtue.

As it goes our difficult times did not cause either of us to doubt our committment to each other. But when a child is diagnosed with a terminal or life long illness the stats are that only 10% of couples make it.

Of course men make the choice ( and it is massivley mostly women that provide the majority of SN care). Of course it is his committment whichhe is breaking. Of course the OW owes no duty to that wife or the children. But a woman happy to provide 'fun' for him in those circumstances is being pretty unpleasant IMHO .

But I have seen it happen a couple of times so I am probably prejudiced

traceybath · 10/01/2010 16:48

I think often one partner has already decided the relationship is over but is to scared to leave until someone else comes along - hence affair or the start of a new relationship very quickly after the end of the old one.

Heqet · 10/01/2010 16:55

You cannot steal a person away from another person. That would mean that the person you 'stole' had no choice in the matter and was taken. Someone does not go off with / have an affair with another person against their will.

They are not stolen.

They choose to be with someone else. They opt to betray the person they are with.

I think that the idea of them being 'stolen' is self protection. If you admit that they chose to do what they did, they wanted to betray you, it is more painful than telling yourself that someone else is responsible for somehow making them do what they did. Without this person forcing them, they wouldn't have betrayed you.

It's understandable, but it's not the truth. Someone has an affair because they want to.

Sassybeast · 10/01/2010 16:55

Your husband walked out on his wife and children when he met you. You're not the type of woman who takes any responsibility for the feeelings and emotions of another woman and children and your theories about men being stolen or otherwise counts for nothing really. Perhaps if he leaves you and your child for his next squeeze, then your opinion may change. Or if you have a daughter and her husband walks out on her and her children when someone flashes a bit of thigh at him ?

Scaredoflove - her OP on the other thread states quite clearly that her husband left his wife when he met her. Changing the story to try and deflect the condemnation doesn't really work in that sort of scenario.

madamearcati · 10/01/2010 16:57

All marriages go through ups and downs.It doesn't take a woman to be very clever or attractive to move in on a husband during a bad patch -EVEN IF HE HAS MOVED OUT FOR A FEW DAYS

scaredoflove · 10/01/2010 17:00

sassy, he left before they got together, they didn't cheat on anyone. He wasn't married so didn't need a divorce to be free, she wasn't the OW, she was the next woman

MadameDefarge · 10/01/2010 17:05

WWC, its Mumsnet, Not Netmums. Subtle, yet crucial difference.

Vallhala · 10/01/2010 17:06

No woman can take a happy man out of a happy marriage.

And "stealing him"? How patronising!

The man in my life is past 50, has a good degree and is responsible for a number of staff as a succssful businessman. Ergo, he's both mature and intelligent. I think he'd feel a little insulted to be told that I'd "stolen" him (then he'd laugh like a drain at the notion). He chose to play around outside his marriage.

And as I said, no woman can take a happy man out of a happy marriage....

CitizenPrecious · 10/01/2010 17:12

I reckon the Other Party- specially if it's a woman- takes far too much flack for this sort of thing, and it's the one at the point of intersection, if we envisage the relationships as a sort of Venn diagram, that should be hung drawn and quartered deserves the censure

oops. banged so hard the top of me gavel 'as flown orff

Sassybeast · 10/01/2010 17:14

Scaredoflove - her original thread included the immortal words 'DH left his ex when we met'

The fairly predictable slating of the ex wife meant that I'd rather eat my arm than read the rest of the thread to see an emerging picture of an abusive/alcoholic/madwoman of an ex. Depressingly familiar and a quick scan of the thread reveals my arm was well sacrificed

CaptainUnderpants · 10/01/2010 17:17

If someone 'steals' your DH could you claim on insurance and have a newer model or is it like for like ?

NewLeaseofLife · 10/01/2010 17:18

I think a carefuly timed attack on the married man is all that is needed. The offer of sex once the man has left is usually a good ploy!!!! Men are generally ruled by their dicks, they sprout a bit of a sob story and get the sympathy from the other woman that they dont get from the wife as she is wise to his manipulative/sulky ways. Job done... Lots of hurt for everyone.
It is the married persons fault (Always) But the other woman should know better and in my opinion be burned at the stake.

(Awaits the backlash, Bring it on!)

scaredoflove · 10/01/2010 17:20

"DH had moved out of the family home when he asked me out, and I said yes - but it was only a few weeks since he had left. He does admit that he feelings for me before he moved out from his ex. We work together."

Not OW, she was the next woman. I thoughs OW is when you are still in relationship and have 2 relationships side by side

eatsshootsleaves · 10/01/2010 17:22

"No woman can take a happy man out of a happy marriage"

Too common an excuse for the OW I'm afraid.

FWIW, relationships are complicated and there are no "one size fits all" rules. Still, whilst spouses do have their own minds and are responsible for their actions, the OW/OM (or potential OW/OM) should IMO wait until the marriage is over or at least separated before starting a relationship the person that he/she is trying to steal seduce shag start a relationship with.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 17:22

Why not ask the more imporant question, which is: are there really people out there so sad and so lacking in self-respect that the only person they can see fit to go out with is someone who's a cheater?

Who cares if it's 'stealing' or not, why would anyone want to go out with someone who'll lie and cheat on his/her partner rather than show the maturity and respect to that person to say, 'It's over,' first?

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