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AIBU?

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Original poster

to believe you can't steal husbands?

359 replies

WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 14:35

I have been perplexed to read on here that some posters seem to believe you can "steal someone else's husband".

I am sure you can steal a dog or a handbag, maybe even a good idea(!?!)... but spouses, even if belong with each other, certainly do not belong to each other.

Equally, I'm rather confused that once a man has married or other moved onto the ummmm... the "new model", how can the lady in question continue to be termed the OW? Surely, she is now "The Woman"...

Just wondering as people keep referring to the NM culture about this issue, so sorry if it has been debated before.

OP posts:
tooembarrassedsonamechanged · 11/01/2010 10:42

I still don't understand why, when there is no legal obligation for the DH to support these DC, as well as his XP, and the fact that it is upsetting his DW to the point that she is wanting to give her DH ultimatums, and the XP and DC are being abusive to the DW, why oh why oh why does the DH continue in the face of all this abuse??

FWIW I believe that the answer to this question is what lies at the heart of this.

If my DH was to support his XP, her DC, and I hated it, positively hated it, to the point where I was issuing ultimatums, whilst simutaneously receiving nothing but abuse from XP and her DC, whom my DH had no legal obligation to provide for, then I think I would be wondering what drove him to continue in the face of his pregnant DW's obvious unhappiness at the whole situation.

Clearly OP and her DH do not see eye to eye on this situation, and therein lies the main problem, no?

claw3 · 11/01/2010 10:45

Oh this is a thread about thread, i cant keep up with!

madamearcati · 11/01/2010 10:51

OP what if (god forbid) you died say 10 years from now and your DH met another woman who wanted your DH to wash his hands of your DD as she's not biologically his

MillyR · 11/01/2010 10:53

I think the main problem in this is that many posters are siding with either the ex partner or the current partner.

The people who should come first are the children. These children were 1 and 3 when this man whom they call 'Dad' came into their lives. Yes, they understand that he is not their Dad, but what that means must have dawned on them later on in their lives. At 1, or even 5, and maybe even 8, the man you call Dad who has been there throughout all of your remembered life is you Dad.

So people constantly harping on about the legal aspects absolutely appall me. If you have raised a child for 10 years, you have a moral responsibility.

It does make me really angry that anyone would use the law to try and get out of a relationship with a child.

As I have said, my niece (not biologically) could be in this position if my brother walked out on her mother. I would put her needs as a child before my relationship with my brother.

nancydrewrocks · 11/01/2010 11:54

WWC I agree with the principles of what you say: a husband cannot be stolen, although you will never convince the majority of woman whose husbands have either left them for the OW or got a new girlfriend before the accepted period of time (whatever that might be) has passed that their husband was anything but.

However you contined assertion that the children that he continues to support are not his is unpleasant in the extreme. He supported them and presumably treated them as his own for ten years. That does a father make.

BelleDameSansMerci · 11/01/2010 11:56

MillyR - well said. I don't understand how anyone who has a relationship with a child can be expected to just cut them off.

I know thousands of people manage to do this every year but I don't understand how. Surely, for anyone with any compassion, the little so and sos wriggle into your heart and you just can't let them go.

drloves8 · 11/01/2010 12:46

Stealing husbands ..... if you could steal a husband there would be an awful lot of women charged with theft or kidnaping .Do the OW drive around in transit vans looking for husbands to bash round the head and bundle into thier vans? nope.
Not commenting if its right or wrong though, just physically not possible.
Husbands can be seduced, lured , or talked into doing the dirty. Some also solicit the affections of women who are not their wives.
Some OW dont even know the man is married/engaged/living with someone else. -wouldnt say they stole the man then.
I have been the wronged wife in my first marriage , and although i dislike the other person involved , the person wrecking our life together was my ex-husband (well 95% of it anyway)

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 13:04

MillyR - your perspective is very odd indeed. On the one hand a child has two biological parents with parental responsibility to support and care for him who, according to your case, seemingly have no moral responsibility for ensuring that child's financial support. On the other hand, another adult who was never married to that child's mother seemingly has an endless moral responsibility to support the child financially.

You are quite intelligent usually, so that is why I suggest you think this over...

TheBossofMe · 11/01/2010 13:46

I'm speaking as the child of several marriages, re-marriages and subsequent divorces, with all the complex step-, former-step- etc parents that this entails. Whilst my former step-parents did not have any legal or financial responsibility towards me after the marriages ended, each of them continued to play a role in my life, and still do now. That includes some financial support (eg loans for first car, "beer money" at Uni), but more importantly it involved lots of love and support throughout my teens, twenties and now into my thirties. I'm proud to consider them part of my lovely "blended family" and having been part of my life since I was very small, I know that none of them could have countenanced having no further part to play in my life once the divorces had happened.

It helps that we are a very very happy extended family, though - no animosity between parents etc....

nancydrewrocks · 11/01/2010 13:46

bonsoir I think everyone agrees that the OP's DP has no legal obligation to financially support the children but do you disagree that he has a moral obligation?

Personally I suspect the truth is more blatant and that having raised those children since infancy he considers them to be as much his own children as if he had provided the sperm himself.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 13:49

No, I think he has no moral obligation whatsoever. Moreover, I think the mother and fathers of those children do have a moral obligation to support themselves and their children without help from other non-relatives!

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 13:50

Having said that, I completely understand that he might wish to continue to provide for his former girlfriend's children out of love and care for them. However, were I those children's mother, I would be far too proud to accept very much at all!

TheBossofMe · 11/01/2010 13:55

Bonsoir - pride definitely comes into it - there was a lot of "take this, but don't tell your Mum/Dad" in the early days...less so as everyone got over the initial trauma of the divorces (gosh, I make my family sound a lot more dysfuctional than they really are!) and everyone accepted that it was for everyone's benefit for former-steps (as we call them) to remain part of our lives.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 13:59

The pride thing is why I cannot understand WWC's DH's exGF turning up on the doorstep and ranting and raving and withdrawing her children from school etc. Has she got no self-respect?

drloves8 · 11/01/2010 14:04

Bonsoir , omg i think you and i agree on this
what the ex chooses to do with her children is not really anything to do with the op.

TheBossofMe · 11/01/2010 14:06

I'll confess to not having read the whole thread (back at work now so MNetting severely curtailed!, but I can tell you that my mother would rather have died than ever have expected or asked my FSF(that's former-step-father!) to contribute anything. Having said that, my father was paying for a lot anyway, and my mother had her own money as well, so possibly not an issue because there was no need....I'm not sure what her attitude would have been if money had been tighter, but I'm pretty sure she still wouldn't have asked FSF.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 14:07

Well, what the ex chooses to do with her children has an awful lot to do with the op if it is her married household's income that is supporting them! That's quite a drain on resources that the op is pretty justified in having an opinion about.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 14:09

TheBossofMe - I completely concur with your mother's position! That is exactly how I would feel.

TheBossofMe · 11/01/2010 14:11

May have missed this, but where is the ex-GF's children's father in all this?

biggulp · 11/01/2010 14:13

it's a nonsense of course. you cannot steal someone. and the onus is absolutely on a married person not to put themselves in a compromising situation.

the whole OW schtick is about angry and in pain women needing someone to demonise in order not to have to question wtf was going on in their relationship or with their partner that infidelity happened.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 14:14

There are two fathers but they don't seem to be around.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 14:15

"the whole OW schtick is about angry and in pain women needing someone to demonise in order not to have to question wtf was going on in their relationship or with their partner that infidelity happened."

Absolutely.

TheBossofMe · 11/01/2010 14:17

My word. Bonsoir - we are definitely in agreement on this!

FSF was also always very careful not to hurt either my DF or DM's pride, even though he had a lot more money than either of them. I think his consideration is one of the reason that they were all happy to share a very friendly table at my wedding. Sadly I think this is a rare event in such blended families....

nancydrewrocks · 11/01/2010 14:17

bonsoir I agree that it has a lot to with her in so far as it effects her, however I don't believe she gets a say in whether he continues to support them.

Anyway this should all be academic since both the OP and her DP are super high earners or something!

Bonsoir · 11/01/2010 14:20

Again, in English law where all your assets are in the same pot, she does get a say in whether he continues to support them, given that he is under no legal obligation whatsoever to do so.

It sounds as if she is quite happy for him to do so, moreover, providing the exGF gets some self-respect and the negotiations are civilised!