To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

I hope he explains to the kids that he is doing all this because he loves them and that he does expect thier mother to become more independant.
I think he's silly re the handbag money. Why can't the woman work?
I wouldn't support a man like this. OK if preschool kids but with teenagers it's silly.

Very few houses in Scotland cost £3m
Children don't sit GSCEs in Scotland
School fees for two in Scotland wouldn't cost £18,000 per year

Fettes in Edinburgh, Gordonstoun in the north and some of the big public school type private schools in Scotland sit GCSEs and A levels. 1 of the St Andrews schools sit the baccalaureate.
9000-11,000 a year seems abour right for a child at a private secondary school to me. That's without dinners, uniform, trips etc.

The fees at Fettes are 18,000 a child a year, which seems a bit on the astronomical side.

No solution but think husband is pathetic to give in to her re "handbag money".

In fact I think he´s pathetic to give in re rent also.

Thanks 2rebbeca - yes school fees are expensive, though DH did offer to fund them plus the additional stuff, like school trips and uniforms, as he takes the view that it is impossible to take part in the school properly wihtout meeting these costs. I actually went to a state school, and find it all a bit mysterious.

Scottish State schools do S grades and Highers at 17 and 4 year uni degree - however lots of parents don't like these as it is makes it difficult to get a place in a 3 yr English Uni course. I don't think it's uncommon to do the Eng quals anyway.

I think the ex has DH wrapped round her finger, and if I was a betting woman would reckon the whole thing since last Sunday was all planned for maximum drama. Couldn't decide whether to feel relieved the performance was over, or cross as we are no further forward.

Then at 10.30pm last night the ex called again to say her DD hadn't come home, so DH said he would go and look for her. I went to bed. Then at nearly midnight they storm in through the door making enough noise to wake the dead. I get up - DD (who is 13 remember) is drunk and vomitting all over herself, all over the hall and screaming. Then my DD gets up and starts to cry.

The vomiting zombie is standing there shouting that I'm a c*t and DD is a spolit f*cker... now where have I heard that before? So while DH is in hte loo helping her chuck up, I get dressed and take DD in her nightie round to her Dad's where we've both spent the night. I am totally fed up with it.

I keep thinking, well it can't get worse, but then it does.

If they are in Edinburgh and pay £18,000 they must be at Fettes.

Also, a 13 getting drunk and screaming in the middle of the night suggests that the poor CHILD is confused, upset and feeling very lost.

Shouting at this child will not help. She needs help to understand that the man who has looked after her since she was a baby is not her Father and will soon have a biological child. He has left her Mother and she is left wondering who she is/whether this man wants her. I defy any 13 year old not to be shocked to the core by that

SK - it's £18 for the two of them, I think. They aren't at Fettes.

TBH, I appreciate she's upset, but I'm more concerned with my old child. She started her day being woken by the hysterical mother, and ended up being whisked out of her bed in the middle of the night after witnessing the drunk abusive daughter.

I am working single mother, and was not in a relationship with the Dad when I found I was pg, and I have worked hard to ensure DD has a stable and loving home. Despite things being difficult at points, her Dad and I present a united front, and have never exchanged much more than a cross word.

There's simply no excuse for behaviour like this.

Just while I am on a roll... lots of children have complex families and fathers who leave them..

She has not been abandoned - DH has done everything he could in his power to see them regularly - and if it hasn't happened, it has been down to the ex. He had continued to support them financially - they are still in the same house - while lots of children of divorced parents end up moving house and school etc.

And tons of effort has been made to make them part of our family - involve them in family holidays, let them decorate their own rooms in my house and so forth

I don't know any other children who've had parents split up who behave this badly. On the other hand their mother is completely mad, but I'm not sure what I could do about that.

WWC, I have seen this thread grow, and get weirder and weirder

Its hard to advise but if was DH Id get fucking tough on her TBH

send a letter from lawyer saying

unless the abuse on the doorstep stops etc he will get a restraining order, end of

he will only provide for kids and not for her unless she stops abusing his wife and children

she is taking the piss and acting disgracefully, fight fire with fire

unless he toughens up she will not stop

1. As other have said, your DH needs to toughen up. By giving in to her demands, he is actually perpetuating her anti social, abusive behaviour. I guess this was probably the pattern whilst they were together and he is finding it hard to break out of it. If he cannot speak firmly to her himself, I would agree that a letter from the lawyer could be effective. Personally, I think he is absolutely foolish to continue to give her any 'handbag money'. Her children are at full time school so she needs to find herself a job.

1. Your attitude to the children doesn't sound v sympathetic at all. When you married him, you agreed to take his children on too. I can understand why you are upset and emotional and concerned for your DD but these children having been dealing with their mother's unstable, abusive behaviour for years and are probably 25/ 30 years younger than you!! As I said before, your DH needs to speak to them firmly about what is acceptable and what is not, otherwise his current relationship is likely to break down too.

Oh seriously. WWC has two stepchildren, who she has treated as stepchildren, but who have been spitting on her and swearing and calling her a murderer. It's been two years. Sure she should be an angel and overlook it. We all should. I should never mutter under my breath at my 13 month old, either, because I'm the adult, but at 2am it's hard. It's hard for all of us, and let the mumsnetter who has never lost her temper cast the first snark.

Why is nobody worrying about a poor two year old with a heavily pregnant mother and a stepfather who draws no boundaries, can't stand up for himself and makes no effort to shield her from the ugliness of this situation? If WWC has all this responsibility towards teenagers who aren't even biologically related to her husband, where's the vitriol aimed towards her husband for failing HIS vows towards his wife's small child?

Do what Porcam says-start with the restraining order banning her (ex) from your immediate neighbourhood. Also she should not be getting any Handbag money she should get a job and provide her own handbag money.

Totally totally agree with Porcamiseria and Tortoise ..... what's happening is being enabled by your DH. Clearly, throwing strops and shovelling on the emotional blackmail has got her plenty of "handbags" (both literally and in the sense of having a luxury lifestyle) in the past, and here you go again.

FWIW, I am appalled at what's happening. The older 2 children are to be pitied for having such a manipulative and dishonest mother who's prepared to use them as pawns but that doesn't mean that their dreadful behaviour shouldn't be tackled at face value and disciploned/punished as appropriate. If anything, "disturbed" kids need boundaries even more than so-called "normal" children do.

In your shoes I too would be horribly worried about the effect of all this on my totally innocent toddler. Crap mother or not, teenagers do have some control over their behaviour and do have some understanding of what's happening. The 2 year old doesn't and I should think that attempts to explain what's happening to her will really mean much at all. Where's your DP in all of this ? ..... why doesn't he care you have been called a c**t in your own home and that his toddler has been frightened ?

You probably can't change the behaviour of this ex or her kids .... but your DH can and should change the way HE deals with them. What he's suggested - the trust etc., is totally reasonable and very very generous .... much more so than some absent biological fathers do. The ONLY reason she's objecting is her own selfish greed. Come June, you just know that mediation won't go ahead because the only "long term solution" she's interested in is a meal ticket for life - for her. Chances are there'll be more abusive tantrums until she gets what she wants.

You must feel incredibly betrayed that he's given in to this woman yet again. It's one thing to do right by the children he's raised as his own for a long time but quite another to give her significant sums to spend on maintaining her lifestyle as a lady of leisure. And then of course, this also means he is sending a message to them all that it's okay for them to be abusive, threatening and harassing towards you and your daughter, because that way, they get rewarded to shut them up. Totally skewed principles there. Why does he consider it's "better" to upset you than upset his ex and her appallingly dragged up kids ?

I'd seriously be considering letting him - and them - get on with it. I know that's hardly easy in your position with a baby on the way but I'm astonished he's allowing his wife and child to be exposed to this. The older children are old enough to be told what's what. I normally advocate kids being kept out of adult matters wherever possible, but not at the expense of allowing damaging lies (about DH, and about you) to stand, and not at the expense of allowing them to run riot in your home because they are "upset" (maybe they think they are, because of what mother's told them, but they need to be set straight). DH needs to tell them he's prepared to support them through school just as he would do the younger kids, but that doesn't equate to giving their mother unlimited handouts.

I really feel for you. Being a stepmother, or a 2nd wife, should NOT mean, by default, that you put up with heaps of shit without complaint. Your DH, IMO, is being dreadfully weak and very disloyal. He proposed a perfectly reasonable solution, one which most normal people would bite his hand off for. He - and you - should NOT feel guilty if this moneygrabbing lazy and entitled cow refuses to accept it. That is her decision.

To be honest, I think you need to take a firmer line, and explain to the exGF that this is your house and that she is not welcome there.

I'm not sure about her children but it sounds as though they need some sort of professional help and support.

Your DH is rewarding bad behaviour here. If the exgf screams and rants and raves, she gets more money ... Recipe for disaster IMO. He put an offer on the table. He shouldn't budge from that IMO.

My youngest kid is 13 and I'd be livid if she came home drunk. I think sometimes with stepkids parents are just too lax with them. My kids would be severely disciplined if they swore at anyone and if they got drunk I'd want to know how they got hold of the alcohol and any pocket money would be confiscated and no more given until they promised not to repeat the performance.
This teenager isn't a "poor child" she still lives with her mother and sister in an expensive house, has access to an expensive education and still has a father figur who loves her even though he no longer lives with her mother. Millions of kids in the UK have divorced/separated parents. Many of these have dads who won't/can't see them. This girl is luckier than many of them.
She has to accept her father figure is not with her mum any more and move on, as do the rest of them.
I don't think anyone should feel they have to stay in a miserable marriage because the other person and children will have tantrums and be abusive if they leave. This guy is trying to do his best by the children. If they keep being so negative they will push him away as he is bound to them by love not genetics/biology and if the love goes there is nothing left.
You and your husband need to set house rules re no abusive behaviour and swearing. If the teenagers don't adhere to it they can stay with their mum.

Thanks to everyone for all the supportive replies.

I think these situations are really difficult. I have no problem negotiating complex difficult deals at work, but I find this whole situation a nightmare.

We had a similar situation before where DD came home drunk and abusive (fortunatley didn't wake my DD on that occassion), and ex said things like.. well I couldn't leave her on the street, I had to bring her home (she had been drinking in a park) - which on the face of it sounds fair enough.. Then you say, her launguage/drinking etc is not acceptable - and he agrees, provides mitigation (she was drunk wtf! she was upset) and says he will talk to her.... which again, sounds reasonable... what else can he do... And nothing ever changes.. except when it gets worse!

So knowing I will get this crap answer again, I texted him this morning to say we are spending the day away and since then have sent all his calls directly to voicemail. Have had a lovely "normal" day with DD and her(bio) Dad - made a roast dinner and gooseberry crumble - watched a DVD and been for walk along the river. I feel so relieved not to have deal with any crap from that lot.

It is really upsetting though as these are things we shoudl be enjoying as a family. DD asked if we could stay again tonight, so we are. So have texted to say that, and that I will call if I go into labour.. which is just so sad. Happy days!

You have a very tolerant exhusband. I get on OK with mine but I think he'd think it strange if I went there after a fall out with my current husband.
Does he still want you back or is was the split one of those rare completely amicable splits?

2rebecca - it wasn't even a split... yeah, my life is strange...

Short version is I was single at the time and I was just having some laughs with DD's dad - it wasn't really a relationship - he was working in a bar I used to go to a lot and we got friendly. I was 35 then, and he was 22. (I know, I know...) He was drop dead gorgeous and it was just for kicks, and neither of us were epxecting anything more permanent.

Then I fell pg which was a total shock, as I had been told I was unlikely to get pg without treatment and even then the odds were poor - and we had actually been careful too! So I guess it was fate.

We did talk about trying to be together for real - but I don't think for the sake of the baby works really... so we stopped sleeping togehter and worked out what we thougth we should do as parents. Whilst I was pg we also did some couple counselling to negotiate the sort of parents we wanted to be.. which was really helpful.

4 years later it is all working really well. We are good mates - he came to our wedding and looked after DD on the day. DD loves her Daddy beyond measure, and we occassionally do family stuff together. DD's dad hasn't got a gf at the mo, but has done in teh past, and it hasn't been an issue.

We have had sticky moments, like I'm sure all estranged parents have, but I think we are doing ok. Not having a history has probably been a good thing! Anyway, I don't think DH will think I'm up to much as am cosleeping with DD and look like a beached whale!

I'm confused. In your post of 20:50, you referred to your ex bringing home DD drunk. Don't you mean your DH?

Sorry - yes DH brought his DD home drunk... I know what i mean... I think

Freudian slip, WWC?

Hang in there.

WWC sounds to me as if the ex has got exactly what she wanted - you out of the way.

Your DH needs to make a decision. If he left his partner of ten years and DC that he had raised for another woman (you) who he promptly married and got pregnant (probably not in that order) then you should realise that he does not have a clue what he is doing.
The happiness of both families relies on him sorting his head out and taking responsibility for all of his actions. You can either help him attempt to repair everything that you've helped him damage or you can pile on the stress and watch as he runs away.
BTW If you'll do that to someone then you can't expect a community of wives and mothers to take your part; maybe you were trying to start a fight?

Erm... you do realise that this post is almost 2 years old.

Where did you dredge it up from?