To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm fairly sure that the whole performance is done simply to get a rise out of DH. Best to ignore her I think, and concentrate on our own busy lives. DH is being all rather stoic, and has now instructed sols to regain possession of his house, so at least it is all being sorted.

If he's so loaded I would buy the dcs a house, in some sort of trust and be done with it. Obviously she is allowed to live in her dcs house but it would be theirs and not hers.

I have to say WWC that your DH is starting to sound less generous by the minute. As someone pointed out, the cost of heating a house like that must be pretty enormous. But then I guess his ex could have raised it if it was problem - suppose not if she's not been paying for it so far. I guess selling a house could be tricky if you can't guarantee vacant possession. However, I wonder if your DH's recent offer had included something along the lines of selling the existing house and buying something more modest for them - in trust for the kids, as someone suggested - his ex may not have reacted so badly?

Well, the ex has had TWO YEARS with secondary school aged children to find a job to pay her own heating bills. So while I'm sure it costs a lot to heat a place in Edijnburgh, and all - again, she has had TWO YEARS.

And he's already offered to arrange a smaller place, the ex has refused.

I don't understand why there are so many troll accusations on this thread. WWC's husband let things slide for far too long because his ex uses his love for the kids as a blackmail tool. pp's suggestions seem to be ignoring the fact that the husband sees these kids as his kids and his responsibility, which is exactly what everyone else on this thread is screaming that he should think. He's been doing that for years, and acting out of fear that the ex will cut his access off, since he doesn't have legal standing to enforce it. He's trying to do it now. The ex is standing in the way and the OP is heavily pregnant and upset.

Jesus. Why is this so emotive for everyone?

Seems more like the ex has called his bluff to me. Perhaps she decided that her children would be happier without all the grief of a this situation, and that she'd be better off starting again. Private schools and big houses are not the most important things in life after all. I hope they manage to make themselves a new life.

You're right, nooka, private schools and big houses aren't the most important things in life - but I'd put a relationship with a father figure pretty high up on the list... OP's DH has bent over backwards to avoid a situation where his ex cuts off access, he clearly cares enormously for the kids and it sounds like he is the only father they have ever known.

How can you say that they would be happier without him?? Ex may not like OP or the situation but the DH has been generous and consistent in wanting to remain a father to the children. Can't see that it's him causing the grief...

(And I don't care if OP is a troll or not, I'm finding this far more interesting than work!)

I would ignore PP, I have done, as she simply does not read the thread! and all you do is bang your head against a brick wall.

Going to read the rest of the thread before commenting.
BUT! PP, he does not have any RIGHTS over the children, that means he cant discipline them, cant choose their school, cant keep them in school, cant do anything without the children's mothers permission, whats so blooming hard to understand!

He HAD NO RIGHTS!!!! at all, all he has his his feelings towards the children.

"has" no rights

Right read the thread, and WWC, not sure if your a troll or not, as it gets banded about her like a chocolate fountain.

I think all you can do now, is put the trust fund in the children's names and wait, not much you can do, is she out the house or not?

I would say to the children (if possible) that you love them very dearly and that they are your number one priority, and that if they ever need anything or want anything then all they have to do is ask.

I would also, explain that due to you have no PR to them, the decisions is all being made by their mum, but to very clearly state you will always be their for them x

Having disagreed with you all the way through LittleMrsHappy I would say that you have the sensible solution!

I would both sit down with them, together, and he can tell them he loves them dearly and they are very welcome in your lives, but they would have to be civil and keep the rules that the rest of you keep to ,because spitting etc is unacceptable. Tell them that he can't deal with their Mum but that he is always there for them. They are old enough to understand.

lol x

One thing I will say that I congratulate this man, in taking his responsibilities to his children seriously to the best of his 2 capabilities in regards of his "rights, he has from what I can see done everything he can in making sure the children have a stable future and education, from what HE can provide.

Most men would have walked away from the EX along time ago, and some of the children, he has done alot more than most men in these circumstances.

Your husband has done all he can and has been more than fair.

The ex sounds completely unreasonable.
Why should a relationship be a meal ticket for life for her AND her two kids?

Where are the biological fathers in all this?

Okay LittleMrsHappy, let me make my words a little more simple for you. He has assumed responsibility, ie he chose to be responsible and can therefore choose not to be. He can withdraw financial support at any time and I would think that this, ultimately, gives him the power. Maybe she'll cut off contact as a result of this threat, maybe she'll cut off contact anyway.

And I think the trust may have been mentioned before.

moonsquirter I didn't say that they would be happier (who knows how they feel, but they do sound angry) just that that is what their mother might have decided, or indeed they might have been involved in the decision too. My nephew in a similar situation has totally cut contact with his dad, as a teenager that is really his right I guess. Seems a bit unfair, but my view is that if you have an affair/break up and immediately find a new partner then this is one of the potential consequences.

nooka- I'm sure you are right that withdrawing contact could be one of the consequences of an affair/ meeting someone else shortly after a break up. I can see why the ex might feel like making a clean break, etc. and might possibly feel that this is in the children's best interests. I can totally understand that she would be angry and hurt. However, she isn't doing making a clean break at all (if we believe the OP's version). She appears to be actually using the children as a bargaining tool, denying access and still assuming that all her costs will be met. If she really wanted a clean break, etc, she should be supporting herself financially and looking to the future. It isn't fair to accept the ex partners money (and it must be a huge amount of money) and still deny access.

Wasn't going to post this update, as am feeling a bit battered... but what the hell....

So after a week of sending bizaree emails saying that her Dad whose 600 miles away is letting her live with him, and that DH will never see children again before moving on to saying the local school is a failing comprehensive which won't do DS's subjects and he will fail all his exams etc etc.. none of which DH has responded to...

then this morning, unannounced, she arrives on our doorstep after apparently driving all night, with both DCs, at 7am, and repeatedly blasts her horn, waking my DD and half the street - until DH goes out. Then she gets both kids out of the car - boy they didn't need to be asked twice!! - before saying she is having a nervous breakdown and can't cope any more. Then she drove off - no indication as to whether she is coming back or not.

So now have 3 kids again... though both have gone out now to visit local friends. Her DD has told me that apprently if her mother kills herself I will be a murderer. Ended up screaming back at her (first time that has happened, but week has been stressful) and telling her if she wants to behave liek that - find somewhere else to stay - so that went well (not)!

Good grief.

Well that sounds sympathetic and supportive.

You are the adult here. Those children are damaged after hearing God knows what in the past few weeks.

Get over yourself and start behaving like a caring adult.

Stepparents are allowed to be emotional and say stupid things in the heat of the moment too. I think expecting adults always to keep calm and controlled whilst children verbally abuse them is unrealistic. WWC wouldn't be responsible for the kids' mothers action. The mother is. Agree it was a stupid thing for WWC to say but it's been an emotional time.
We have sympathies for women whose husbands/ manipulative partners say they'll kill themselves if they don't do what they want. This is a horrible thing to say to anyone.
At least the kids are safe. Apologies, discussions about what happens next etc can be done when everyone has calmed down.

They need to be told that their mother isn´t well, it isn´t their fault & that the man who brought them up for 10yrs will be looking after them until their mother is well again.

I think it would be worth asking your husband to contact her GP next week as she sounds mentally unwell and may be at risk of self harm. I think he also needs to sit down with the children and explain that you are both there for them and will look after them but that speaking to you/ him in that way cannot be tolerated. The children obviously need support++ because of what they have been going through.

I think it would be worth switching your computer off and going to get your kicks elsewhere.

Sorry one thing that HAS been bothering me about YOUR update, is this...

The mother left the children on your doorstep, and is having what seems like a breakdown of some sort, and while the children have been in their care, and seeing their mother behaviour spiral out of control, and the children are clearly distraught and needing answers but you shouted at them for their out burst?

And then they are now at a "friends" house? but you are sitting on here from this morning, while on this has been going on.

sorry but CMON, you have a mother out their who is mentally unstable, children who are distraught and Im assuming very very confused, yet you are on here, where is their Dad?

I now really thing this has been ONE BIG wind up!

think

Ho hum... busy afternoon...

First at the door, a delegation of my longstanding neighbours with whom I'd previously got on great with, to say how understanding and sympathetic they feel to step family prob, but that they are here to complain about the noise this morning anyway. To be fair, this isn't the first time it's happened. I have suggested they call the police if they are disturbed again.

Then bell goes again - and it's the ex with her harpie mate. So the first thing the harpie says (despite the fact that she is standing on my door step, and her mad mate has woken all my neighbours and the mad mate is nobody's parents and doesn't live here either) is "THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU". This was actually before I'd managed to open my mouth...

So DH disappears into town to discuss things calmly... (apparently)... 45 minutes later he is back. She won't sign a rental agreement on the house because it is demeaning to her to rent her own home. She doesn't want a trust fund, because DH should either be committed to parenting (i.e. paying) for her kids, or should not bother.

So DH has agreed she can stay in the house, agreed he will continue to pick up the bills, pay the school fees and give her her handbag money (which is was this was all about in the first place) until July when DS has done his exams. And her concession is she will go to mediation with DH in July to find a longer term solution. This is actually what she previously agreed to - but when the mediation session came up, she exercised her right to change her mind...

So there you go - a really stressful week, and right back to square one..

I am particularly miffed (in reverse order) at the hassle with the neighbours, who I always got on well with before - and top of the list, that my DD has been subjected to several bouts of mad screaming hysterical women today, and equally hyper distressed teenagers. Have had to sit her down this evening to have a long chat about why DC and the mad ex behave as they do...

If anyone has any practical suggestions, feel free to say.