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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH choose between us and old family?

589 replies

WashwithCare · 08/01/2010 21:39

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
WashwithCare · 14/01/2010 09:05

I can't understand why everyone is in such a flap. It is an expensive house, but he earns a lot and bought it a long while ago. What sort of house would you expect a successful solicitor to live in?

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 14/01/2010 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marantha · 14/01/2010 09:13

Gone away and thought about this a little more.

I think it would be highly unreasonable for your husband to cut off contact with the children on a moral level as they do regard him as being their father.

BUT, although I feel he has a moral duty to support the children, I do not for one moment think he has a moral duty to support the mother. Presumably, she is an adult and the children are of an age where she can find some employment/train.

What this site has shown me is that feminism in the form of woman actually earning their own money is still not popular with a lot of women- it really does seem that a lot of females here view a man as a meal ticket for life.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 09:15

I can't believe people are still feeding this thing! LOL. I think I know who it is, too.

marantha · 14/01/2010 09:24

I have no way of knowing if this person is a troll or not. It's irrelevant really- the situation itself is a common one these days and worthy of debate in itself.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 14/01/2010 09:25

Diddl - it's not that easy - briefly, one more time, with feeling...

DH bought house about 1990, and gf moved in with 2 DC in 1998. So they grew up there and thought it was their home obviously. Ex-gf didn't work and DH supported her and kids.

My understanding is that things started to go down hill, and eventually in sep 2007, DH decided it was over. ex-gf wasn't keen on ending the relationship, so DH moved out of his house and rented a flat to give ex some head space. He continued to meet all the expenses, school fees, shopping, repair bills, mortgage etc because ex didn't have any money. After a few weeks though he cancelled her credit cards - because she was SPENDING £££££s

This was probably the silly mistake - and looking back now both DH and I can see it was dumb. But, he asked me out - and y'know that crazy stage when feelings carry you a long? Well, I think he started with the idea of companionable dinner with a colleague he liked that might lead onto something eventually (he was living seperately when he asked, I might add), but we quickly got serious - and we married in Feb 2008, 6 mths after our first dinner date!

EX-gf found out - we have a small circle and I knew her by acquaintance... so she was mad and was impossible to talk to... so this didn't seem a good time to ask if she wouldn't mind moving out of his house -iyswim.. step children started to go off the rails...

We are both sols, so we did know the legal sit - but we did seek legal advice from a family sol at this point - and was told that we were wasting our time. He has no chnace of getting parental responsbility now...

So time marched on - DH wanted children to have stable home and to pay for the rest of their education and to have contact, but it was difficult to neogiate with his ex. We did try mediation - which took several months to get organised - and then she refused to attend...

Our only legal options were to evict her - it's not like DH can take her to court for access - and he didn't want to do that....

I can't even remember all the offers he has made over the period - he did offer to buy her a small house at one point - she refused as she said that XX is children's home and they have lost their father and blah blah blah...

Things did seem to be settling a bit, and DH had considered just carrying on with status quo (which meant he was meeting her expenses, paying school fees, picking all the house bills up and giving her handbag money) Then I got pg - and the really bad abuse started....

TBH, I'm just all out of patience.

OP posts:
chandellina · 14/01/2010 09:54

your story makes me feel really sorry for the ex. The rug is pulled out from under her in a 10-year relationship and the man who didn't insist on marrying her is dating within days of leaving the family and home and married to the woman within six months.
I'm sure your situation demands sympathy too, but I would probably stay out of it as much as I feasibly could, being the victor and all.

wubblybubbly · 14/01/2010 10:10

I think WWC lives around the Edinburgh area, or at least that's what she's indicated.

There's not that many average houses over £3million in Edinburgh surely? Which begs the question, does a single man in his (presumably) 20's really buy a 6 bed detached mansion to live in on his own?

thesecondcoming · 14/01/2010 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marantha · 14/01/2010 10:14

You're missing the point, it doesn't really matter if OP is a troll, the situation itself is a common one (OK, not everybody is a super-high-earner) and worthy of debate.

wubblybubbly · 14/01/2010 10:33

Marantha, the situation is indeed worthy of debate and I think I've debated plenty, offered advice and proposed solutions.

It's just it seems a bit pointless though, if the original scenario was merely a take on Hans Christian Anderson.

Owls · 14/01/2010 10:36

They're not looking for legal advice, tsc. The legal position is clear. It's the moral and emotional position that needs sorting. Which is clearly far from easy.

Really can see this situation from both sides. It's a tough one.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 14/01/2010 10:46

Wubbly - ex does live in edinburgh. £3m is a high end property, but it is not exactly a mansion!! If you have a look on rightmove, you'll see there's a couple on at £2.3 m - but there are also a few POA, which would be more expensive.

I'm tickled that you're so determined to find the story implausbile - but that your picking seems to focus on how much my DH earns or the price of his house - rather than the craziness of the ex- which is the thing I've always found implausible.

As you're so interested, my understandings is, DH was 29 when he bought the house. His career was already estabished and he was earning a good salary, and his grandmother had recently died leaving him a substantial legacy that he wanted to invest. Like a lot of people, he thought a big house woudl be a good investment - also as his principal residence it's exempt from capital gains tax. Don't think it's that strange myself.

OP posts:
wubblybubbly · 14/01/2010 10:57

WWC, couldn't give a monkeys how much you or the DH earn in all honesty, you're the one who brought it up in your OP.

I will admit to be fascinated at your ability to cram so much into your life, 8 1/2 months pregnant, DD aged 3 still breastfeeding, holding down a super high earning job and working up until labour, baking and icing cakes and volunteering as a bf peer and still hours to spare to chat on MN!

You're superwoman, aren't you?

ScaredOfCows · 14/01/2010 11:03

Day off work today, is it WWC?

2rebecca · 14/01/2010 11:20

I'm not sure his ex is that crazy. If I could persuade an exboyfriend to allow me to live in a £3m house with my kids that weren't his kids even though they loved each other for 2 years after we split up I'd consider myself sane and him the crazy one.
If he's a lawyer I'm amazed he didn't sort something out when they split up. If he's had a sensible income he would have been forced to do so as he couldn't have paid for 2 houses. Having a silly amount of money seems to have just meant he allowed his ex to live off him rather than becoming independant and live in a house way outside her means, rather than him paying for her to have a smaller house. If he's that wealthy he could have bought outright a 1/2m house for her to live in until kids 18 or given it to her as a present and given her a reducing allowance for 3 years to allow her to get some sort of job training and then just paid for the kids' school, which is still above what is necessary as never married and not his kids. If he loves the kids that would have given them some stability without all the OTT 3m house and umpteen handbags thing.
He sounds a bit silly for a top lawyer though.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2010 11:50

if LeQ is later unmasked as the OP here, I want it noted here and now that I made that suggestion about 65 pages back.....

so you Johnny-Come-Latelies can sod off

ScreaminEagle · 14/01/2010 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thesecondcoming · 14/01/2010 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 14/01/2010 15:47

That would have been an obvious and sensible approach Rebecca - however this is the first time DH has really serious told his ex she will have to manage on a fixed, reduced sum - and so far, since he said it 4 days ago, she has removed both children from school (DS is doing his GCSEs this year too) and disappeared....

It's very hard to impose a sensible solution on someone who won't be negotiated with.

This is the only nickname I have ever used on mumsnet. Hope that clarifies the matter for everyone else.

OP posts:
posieparker · 14/01/2010 16:03

It's not bloody impossible. He holds all the cards, the money, the parental responsibility to her children which he could just lose etc etc. In fact he has all the tools to make her do as she wants. I am certain that he could sell the house from underneath her if he desired and she knows that too, so perhaps if he wants to get what he wants he needs to grow some balls.

Good God.

2rebecca · 14/01/2010 16:21

Does he have good relationships with the kids' maternal relatives? If so maybe he could contact them to check kids OK and put his side of the story.
Otherwise he just has to wait I suppose.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 14/01/2010 16:46

Posie - he doesn't have PR - nor could he get it. Anyway - he has called her bluff and limited her money - if that's what you mean by growing balls... and she is behaving like a nutcase as usual.. We have no contact with his ex's fmaily.

I think we all feel a bit worried to be honest, - part of me feels like she is the sort of nutter who would drive the kids off a cliff in a car to make her point...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/01/2010 16:47

but, tsc....you didn't say you reckoned it was her , did ya, huh, huh ?

posieparker · 14/01/2010 17:59

He has assumed responsibilities, that he didn't have to, and so could threaten to take them away. The ball is in his court, unless he is a walk over. There are injunctions to protect him against her....as for her children she may well stop contact and she would be legally able to do so it's her prerogative really. If he has serious concerns about her state of mind he should tell social services.

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