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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

423 replies

toolly · 08/01/2010 11:44

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

OP posts:

biggulp · 08/01/2010 13:25

i think this cuts both ways.

were i a guest i wouldn't dream of asking for a refund.

however.

If I was the bride I would INSIST on paying people back anything that they had forked out....it would be a matter of pride for me tbh

WilfSell · 08/01/2010 13:25

I think Judge Judy (my usual counsel on these things ) would probably say a marriage is a contractual agreement and just as the engagement ring and gifts are to be returned if it doesn't go ahead, so other costs ought to be refunded. It doesn't seem like terribly good manners to ask, but now I've thought about it I think the person who said perhaps she ought to have offered was right. She must know people have paid out? And she must know most people would be touched by the offer and refuse?

cece · 08/01/2010 13:26

TBH I would be very pissed off but would not ask for any money. Especially if I found out they had been having relationship counselling and still gone ahead and let everyone book tickets etc.

I would, however, expect an offer of some sort to cover at least some of the costs I had incurred. Depending on my current finacialy situation I might also take them up on the offer.

If it were me I would not be happy but could not afford to lose the money so would probably end up going on holiday anyway. As I say though I would not be happy as I would probably not be able to book a summer holiday as well as a wedding abroad in one year. I would therefore feel I had 'lost' my holiday this year for no reason!

LadyBlaBlah · 08/01/2010 13:27

IMO they shouldn't even have to ask.

I would be mortified if my friends had lost money because of me.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 13:28

A marriage is a contract between bride and groom though, not between the couple and their guests...

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 13:28

i do think she should offer, for sure, that's why the tone of the OP is so shocking. if she's telling her sister that they're awful people for asking she's giving duff advice there.

btw toolly's been here for yonks, i don't hink she's the wedding canceller.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 13:29

Oh bloody hell the baby's woken up.

Should I just stick her in the bathroom?

moonsquirter · 08/01/2010 13:30

Difficult one for both sides. Desperately sad for the sister but really annoying for those who have lost out financially too, I'd imagine.
I don't personally think it's right - or socially acceptable - to ask for your flight money back; just part of life's shittiness. However, I am interested as to the sister's views on this... I would be horribly embarrassed to have put other people in this position and would at the least be apologising and explaining (if the case) that I just couldn't afford to help out with lost expenses although I would like to.
My marriage broke up after 2 years and I still sometimes feel that I gained all the lovely wedding presents under false pretences! Thankfully it was a local wedding, and I'd refused parental contribution to the cost, but I can imagine I'd have felt very guilty about that too otherwise. Perhaps the friends are pissed off if there has been no acknowledgement of the effect the cancelled wedding has had on them too?

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/01/2010 13:30

Lol Imsonottelling.

Yes, make sure you lock the door.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 08/01/2010 13:30

I would only go to an overseas wedding for a very close friend or family. If the wedding were called off, I'd be far more worried about friend/relative than the thought of getting my money back.

MiniMarmite · 08/01/2010 13:35

Cece, would you really be very pissed off?

Would you not be more concerned that a friend was going through a distressing time?

Also re: counselling, when I was in this situation (then) DP and I started counselling just a few weeks before cancelling the wedding and it was only during that counselling that we realised we were not going to be ready to get married at that point in time. It's hard to make a valid judgement when we don't know all the details.

MiniMarmite · 08/01/2010 13:35

x post Wynken

FakePlasticTrees · 08/01/2010 13:38

our wedding was in Kent, just down the way from where we live, however as DH has lived overseas when he was younger, we invited guests currently living in Ireland, Luxembourg, Singapore and New Zealand. (As well as lots from the North of England) So for about half the guests, it was a sort of destination wedding. (and not even an exciting destination)

Not all could make it, we weren't offended in the slightest when the couple from Singapore said they'd already agreed to be in Europe a month before and couldn't extend their stay to include our wedding, we just arranged to meet up when they were here.

My point is, if they'd said yes, I wouldn't have felt obliged to fund their trip, why would I give a 'refund' if the wedding didn't happen? (I might feel guilty though).

cece · 08/01/2010 13:40

Well I would obviously be concerned for my friend going through a difficult time and all that.

But if I found out afterwards that they had been having relationship counselling and still booked the wedding and allowed people to shell out their hard earned money.. Then yes I would be pissed off, but with both of them not just the woman.

Attending a wedding abroad would definitely mean I would have had to shelve any holiday plans I may have had for that year... so it would have inconvenienced me as well as the whole lost money aspect of the issue.

StrawberriesandCherries · 08/01/2010 13:40

exactly what biggulp says!

hocuspontas · 08/01/2010 13:41

If I had arranged an overseas wedding I think I would feel responsible for the flight/hotel bookings of my friends and relations. (Not his) If 20 people say had paid deposits of £50 each then I don't think that would be too much to offer to repay. If they had paid in full, they would be able to get a refund for the rest wouldn't they?

I'm sure though that most people would decline the offer but would appreciate the gesture.

Original poster

toolly · 08/01/2010 13:41

DD is out of the loo. Just had a very quick look at the thread, no I am not the bride.
Now I have to feed the baby

OP posts:

nancydrewrocks · 08/01/2010 13:45

But what have the people concerned actually lost? Surely only the opportunity to watch their friend get married. There is no reason why they can't go and enjoy a holiday without the main performance.

sayithowitis · 08/01/2010 13:46

Toolly, glad that DD has been rescued.

You have been asked several times now, how long were the 'happy' couple having counselling? Why did they send out invitations when the relationship was so rocky? Or at least, why did they not inform people before allowing them to pay out money for flights etc?

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 13:48

and where is the wedding? if it's in rome, paris, barcelona then everyone can just fuck off imo. if, however, it's in the croatian equiv of dagenham...

Northernhahaha · 08/01/2010 13:49

It is a tricky one. My DH went to a wedding in Australia 3 years ago when I was 8 months pg with dd1. I obv couldn't go but he did, though only went for the weekend . Possibly the only person ever to fly to Australia with only hand baggage.

Anyway, we would have been really gutted if it had been cancelled as it would have been totally pointless to go so far for nothing, as he needed to get back to me. We're not badly off but to have lost £700 would be tough. I wouldn't ask for money back but I would probably expect to be offered.

Agree, wedding insurance never, ever covers just changing your mind.

Original poster

toolly · 08/01/2010 13:50

They decided to get married last June My(2008)Everything seemed fine and dandy until October. My sister organised counselling very quickly (privately) After one month of going nowhere, she thought she should postpone the wedding. He (head in the sand) thought differently and they should press ahead. He has only just moved out and in her mind now the wedding is cancelled rather than postponed. She let everyone know this week. She's been very upset, and I imagine it's a very hard phone call to make letting everyone know. I just think a little sensitivity should be exhibited. My sister is now in financial difficulties because of this.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 08/01/2010 13:51

I think telling people that the wedding was off should have been accompanied by an acknowledgement that they had lost money and an offer to reimburse. The majority of people would have declined I'm sure, but if the tone of your OP reflects the attitude of your sister, then I'm not surprised that people are a bit pissed off to be honest.

SparkleandShine · 08/01/2010 13:51

haven't read all of this so sorry if someone else has already said ...

wedding insurance doesn't cover a cancellation due to change of mind... so even if the bride is insured it wouldn't pay out in these circumstances

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 13:52

yes yes but where is the wedding, is it a tourist destination?

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