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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

423 replies

toolly · 08/01/2010 11:44

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 08/01/2010 11:58

No - I still don't think they're being unreasonable .

MarineIguana · 08/01/2010 11:58

It's one of those situations where they are kind of technically within their rights, but no one in their right mind would ever be so cruel and thoughtless.

Presumably they could afford to go or they would have said no to the invitation so they can't be that hard up.

If I was her I'd just ignore them - if she's having a hard time emotionally she's got other things on her mind.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/01/2010 11:58

I think I would offer to refund anyone if I had cancelled my wedding.

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 11:59

I'm with bibbity - dont think I'd have the balls to ask for a refund but I'd be pissed off.
If you're going to make such grand plans that invovlve your friends forking out a lot of money then I think you should be pretty bloody sure its all going to go ahead.

To be honest my thinking may be coloured by the fact that when I hear about weddings abroad I tend to think - well thats very lovely for you but what about those people who would love to see you get married but cant afford it??

stealthsquiggle · 08/01/2010 11:59

They are entirely within their rights to see if they can get the money back from whoever they have paid it to, but not to go after your sister for it if it wasn't done through her. If it was done through her then they are being tactless in their timing but may feel they have no choice.

If they can't get it back through insurance or other means, then I suppose they could always just go anyway...

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 12:00

Ah bibity then we agree to disagree.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:01

Agree that there is responsibility on both sides if no insurance was taken out.

MarineIguana · 08/01/2010 12:01

"I think you should be pretty bloody sure its all going to go ahead."

FGS that's like blaming people for being single mothers because their feckless partners have fecked off. What if it wasn't her fault?

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/01/2010 12:02

Yes agree Jeremy.

GhoulsAreLoud · 08/01/2010 12:02

I doubt it would be covered by insurance. I had to cancel a flight to the states as the friend I was visiting out there's father died the day before I was due to fly.

It wasn't covered by insurance.

I think I would just go in that situation. If they'd already planned to go and decided they could afford to go then I don't see that it's the bride's responsibility to refund them. Presumably they booked the flights on the basis they could afford to attend the wedding and wouldn't have if they couldn't.

Sorry for your sister btw

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/01/2010 12:02

surely you cannot blame the bride if you chose not to take out insurance when you booked your tickets

what a difficult situation for all

I forsee lots of falling out

TheBossofMe · 08/01/2010 12:03

Although just to play devil's advocate, they may be thinking that she might have wedding insurance to make a claim on....

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 08/01/2010 12:03

Why does your sister's very sad position preclude her from ensuring that her guests are not left financially shafted by her change of plans?

As Fab says, I would offer to compensate anyone if I were in that position.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/01/2010 12:03

ah, I see that insurance may not cover these circumstances

friends should suck it up

[hard]

gorionine · 08/01/2010 12:04

In that case, If it was me, my first port of call would be the estate agent/travel insurance, I do not think I would even have thought about asking your sister for some money back. But I would think twice about accepting an invite to a wedding abroad in the future!

MarinIguana, not necessarilly, they might have had to stretch themselves a lot because it was for a good friend and now expect a little gesture in return. I imagine that anyone with a heart would be reluctant to ask her for money in those circumstances unless they really were cash strapped themselves but I might be wrong and they are just greedy.

gorionine · 08/01/2010 12:04

travel agent of couse, not estate agent!

carocaro · 08/01/2010 12:04

YABU

You have my sympathies of course for the situation BUT......

People can't just dismiss lost cash on a whim.

She expected people to go abroad for a wedding at a cost so she should foot the bill for the cancellation. A risk she took.

Forcing/insisting/suggesting/inviting people to go abroad for a weddings is a bit of a cheek I think, you are taking hundreds of pounds just on flights and hotels and food.

It's a gesture of goodwill to her friends.

sayithowitis · 08/01/2010 12:04

I don't think they are being unreasonable. I doubt that any holiday insurance would cover this scenario. And as for 'If you can't afford to go to a wedding, then you don't go.' How many threads have we seen on here where somebody is invited to a wedding abroad and worries about the cost, the advice is almost always ' you have plenty of time to save up'. We don't know that the guests in question didn't have to save up and why should they be out of pocket to this degree? Maybe the only reason they are going to wherever it is, is because of the wedding, so to suggest they just stay there and have a holiday anyway, to my mind is not a solution. It is only a solution if it is a destination that they would have chosen for a holiday without the wedding.

I don't see this as any different than having to give back wedding gifts given in advance, if the wedding doesn't take place. Sorry.

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:06

I absolutey would want to compensate if I was in this situation.
Use the money tht would have gone on the wedding.

gorionine · 08/01/2010 12:07

MarinIguana, sorry, I was refering to your post from 11:48:53, not your last one in case there is any confusion!

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 08/01/2010 12:09

If I were your sister I'd feel SO responsible for people who had paid money to get to the wedding. If I were a guest, I wouldn't ask for my money back, but I'd be pretty pissed.

Imagine these people have said "ok, we fancy Florida/or other destination this year but so and so is getting married in Spain in June, so we will sacrifice Florida to go to the wedding, not only that, we will make sure we take that time off of work, thereby using our precious annual leave. And then.....the wedding gets cancelled after they paid the money to go

Nobidies fault really but I can understand that people would want their money back in some way......although I don't necessarily agree with it.

Can money that is now not going to be spent on the actual wedding itself, be refunded to those people?

I do think there is some obligation on your sister and her 'other half' to rectify this situation.

carocaro · 08/01/2010 12:09

PS: if she was a good friend to her friends she should be offering to those who need it most and she would know who.

Good friendship works both ways.

I'd be well pissed off and would say so.

Sis in law get married in Italy last Summer and it cost 4 of us over £800 in flights, not a costs we could just lt go.

bellissima · 08/01/2010 12:10

YANBU - of course they shouldn't ask your poor sister.

Having said that, this is - believe it or not - the THIRD cancelled overseas wedding I have heard about in the last month (inc one in the Caribbean) and, as I don't think ordinary travel insurance actually covers you for that (cue lots of folk claiming sudden chickenpox etc) then I must say I would be wary if I were invited to one. (and, NB I'm sure that this doesn't apply in your sister's case, but, is it just me or are people who plan the most extravagant of weddings the most likely to fall out - the one (this country) wedding I was invited to that was cancelled was going to be a completely over the top affair...)

TootaLaFruit · 08/01/2010 12:10

Why your sister and not her ex-fiance? Or are they expecting them to split the cost? This is ridiculous. They should make a holiday of it and think about your poor sister. Presumably your sister and whole family are now out of pocket too? Canceling church, reception, flowers etc.... it's not as if your sister has done this on purpose. They should see it for the terrible situation it is and make the most of it.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 12:10

Say how it is. Financially it was not a stretch for these people. Absolutely. They are very well off. And Jeremy Vile how can guarantee anything in life? Death, illness etc scuppers the best thought out plans.

OP posts: