To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

[toolly]

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

toolly, no. this is most unfair.

joint accounts are dangerous, for starters. i've been with dh for a decade and we still don't pool our money.

if she is in a house she can't afford then she will have to sell and move into a flat.

she didn't have insurance.

all of this IS miserable, no doubt about it, but to focus on the guests who are themselves victims of this cancellation is not fair.

it's projection on your part, presumably. but get angry at whoever organised a wedding knowing that the relationship was rocky. point your ire at the ex-fiance at the very least.

Oops - meant not always a selfish bad idea. They are sometimes needed.

even wedding insurance will not pay out where one party has changed their mind.

It only pays out if either bride or groom dies before the event or if there is a problem with any of the suppliers.

I think all of these people booked their flights of their own free will. Yes, for the wedding, but they dont have to go. If there is no wedding to attend now they should look at it is a holiday. Get on to Tripadvisor and see what else there is to do around that area and get on with it.

The poor bride cannot be expected to pay out for other people.

I do agree though that the cost for wedding guests is getting ridiculous these days, not only foreign weddings but a week's hen do abroad too. All getting very expensive for guests. We made a point of making our hen and stag do just a meal in a local restaurant.

JV yes, that was just a For Example. I feel Toolly is misdirecting her anger.

Sorry Tooly - I meant has your sister got wedding insurance to cover costs?

Because that is why there may be some bad feeling - the friends may know that she is insured so won't have costs incurred, but they will, so therefore may be rhe root of why they are asking for money.

Wedding insurance doesn't pay out if you change your mind. It's only for things like the groom getting rushed to hospital with a broken leg. Maybe the guests think that it will and that's why they're asking, but the chances are highly unlikely that it will work.

The only reason that I would be pissed off with the bride and groom was if they were of the "romantic" impulsive type, usually found amoung the young. You know, the "we've just met but we're soul mates and we're going to get married and it's going to be in Italy and it'll be the wedding of the year, and we're so in love" etc. etc. types. And then after a year they find out that they're not compatible after all.

If it was a normal horrible relationship break-down then I would be glad that as a guest I only had to deal with the financial side of things. Although I have to admit that I'm not a fan of destination weddings anyway, and can see that this is yet another disadvantage.

Sorry x posts with everyone.

Bibbity, I think you're missing the point. Nobody's saying they wouldn't flinch at losing the money (assuming they don't just go anyway which is presumably their choice).

Point is that if you can afford (comfortably or otherwise) to pay for flights in the first place then you can afford to lose the money and shouldn't expect somebody else to bail you out.

Like others say I suspect there's a little more to this . . .

I wouldn't ask for a refund personally but would be a little .

Hmmm, sounds like wedding insurance might have been a good idea! I organised my own wedding and wouldn't have dreamed of not taking it out - covers all kinds of eventualities....

I still think its bad taste to ask. Would your sister/her ex have offered eventually once the initial shock is over with?

where was the wedding, toolly? is it otherwise a holiday destination?

i also think it's a bit to be issuing wedding invites if you're in counselling.

No, I don't think I'm missing the point but thank you anyway.

agree planning an expensive wedding when things were ropey was not the wisest move, but regardless, people are not obliged to go

i am certainly not able to take the hit on losing money on flights/accomodation for four, so i would not be going to the wedding, and it would not be an issue, people understand when they get married abroad, lots of people cannot go

if you are going to resent going and using up annual leave and paying for it, don't bloody go!

and far better she cancels now than goes thorugh with it

am wondering what sort of brass neck it takes to approach someone who has called off their wedding to ask for a refund

Presumably the wedding was booked in good faith, whatever else was going on? She didn't know it was all going to go tits up.

And lets say 20 people had bought tickets at 400 quid each- are you really suggesting ALL of them should be compensated by her - a spare £8000? Or what if it's 30 or 40 or 100?

I think it is mostly at their own risk, like weddings in the UK. If you turned up at the church in your dress and with your hotel ready and it didn't happen, would you really ask for your money back then?

I do think if you're inviting friends to your wedding overseas though, or to something REALLY expensive, you should only invite in the firstplace the ones you can afford to pay for...

My wedding insurance would have paid out for cancellation...that's the point of it!

I do feel very sorry for your sister op, clearly a really sad situation and not a decision she/they would have come to lightly.

Whilst there is no way I would have the gall to ask for money, I would feel annoyed that I was left out of pocket I think. I guess it depends on the amount of money involved though. £50 I could accept but £200 or more for instance, it would irritate....quite alot!

It was rather silly of your sister to NOT insure her wedding tbh - it's possible to take out policies that have nothing to do with travel agents etc and if she knew the relationship was in trouble, it was short-sighted of her not to do this for her own good. But that wouldn't have helped her guests, as I don't think ther costs will be covered unless they were part of the wedding party.

I have to say, I also think it was short sighted of her to forge ahead with wedding plans of this nature for an uncertain relationship. And that I might well feel annoyed if I'd spent money to go as a guest, only to be left out of pocket with nothing to show for it. It smacks a little of the 'bridezilla' not thinking about anyone but herself.

When were the invites issued? And how long have they been having problems? If there was any sign of issues before the invites were issued (or even reasonably after them) then she (and her fiance) had a duty to warn people not to commit financially. We don't know the circumstances of the split, what portion of blame lies with your sister etc, but her friend's will and that may well be making a difference.

I'd feel very different towards a friend of mine who'd cancelled, say, because her other half was suddenly caught having an affair that she'd known nothing about, than towards one who had clearly been having mutual issues for months/in counselling/etc. One is clearly not her fault - the other, well, I'd be wondering how good a friend she was to let me risk all that money under such precarious circumstances.

And, yes, if she did know there were possible problems, she did have a duty to inform her guests. I had to warn a couple flying from America for my wedding when my MIL had a stroke six months before we married, purely because we had some doubt over whether we'd have to cancel. If we had, and they'd paid, I'd have felt obliged to refund them - even though I, personally, could have done nothing about the circumstances.

All that said, it is in extremely bad taste for the guests to have asked for the money. They did choose to go, and they should have covered themselves. So you are not unreasonable to be annoyed with them for it.

"the bottom line is, if you can';t afford to go, or take the hit if something went wrong, you don't go."

Well surely it could then equally be said that you don't plan a wedding abroad and induce all your friends and family to buy an airplane ticket and book hotel rooms they hadn't unless you're fucking sure it's going to go ahead.

bullshit to the 'if you can afford' line, btw. people may have put them on credit cards.
i completely 100% cannot afford to book a holiday and then have it cancelled out from under me in a manner that is not covered by insurance. not a chance.

(that said, i wouldn't ask for a refund from the bride and would tend to go on the hol anyway. but presumably there is some reason why these guests feel this isn't possible).

We are (hopefully!) going to a wedding abroad this year, although it's because that's where the bride's family live, so a bit different. If we go, we will be scrimping and saving to pull together the money. It will mean a great deal of belt-tightening all year. But I still wouldn't ask for a refund. These people are our friends.

Should read *they hadn't otherwise intended on purchasing unless..

I'm not sure we are getting any more answers. It might be that our questions are getting too close to the bone. Or maybe Toolly is just having lunch

But anyway...I think I might get married in Dagenham. That way if it gets cancelled people can still have a lovely day out

I wouldn't ask for the money back. Wouldn't dream of it. But I would also dread being invited to a wedding abroad if (and it's not clear to me that this is the case here) it were taking place in a country that neither the bride nor the groom had any connection to. People DO get bride/groomzilla about their 'big event' and it sounds to me like these people feel there was a bit of that going on here. It's is pretty out there to ask for your money back (unless your sister has been going on about getting hers back via an insurance payout). I know people have sabre rattled on this thread already saying they'd do it too, but in reality...I bet most people wouldn't. It sounds like these are people who really shouldn't have agreed to attend in the first place, if they had issues with it being abroad in the first place.

Perhaps the guests suspect there were already problems and feel slightly deceived.

I just would never ask people to come so far for MY big day

The responsibility would be too heavy

I don't think there is an easy answer to such an awkward situation though. It's tough on everyone.

I suppose I have no difficulty in separating the two issues

1. The breakdown of your sister's relationship. Very sad for her if not tragic. How awful.

1. The loss of rather a lot of money for the guests.

The two are not intertwined really. Say your sister borrowed something expensive from a friend and accidentally lost or broke it. Would she try and compensate the friend in some way?