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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

423 replies

toolly · 08/01/2010 11:44

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 12:27

i got married abroad, kept it cheapo (fares were ryanair and seventeen quid, got a good deal on the hotel etc). it cost people less than i've paid to go to weddings in this country.

i'm surprised that anyone would have the gall to ask for their money back in this case, tbh, because it's so socially awkward, but i do understand the sentiment.

perhaps they're asking because she has taken out wedding insurance for precisely the same reason that you think everyone else should have done, toolly? or perhaps they think that she has spare cash going now that she's not paying for a wedding?

NorbertDentressangle · 08/01/2010 12:27

Blimey, if I was a guest of a cancelled wedding I wouldn't dream of asking for my money back or a contribution (and I'm by no means rich).

Admitedly I might be a bit pissed off if there was no way of turning into a holiday or turning situation around at all but I would also realise that the "bride and groom" probably hadn't cancelled the wedding on a whim and were most likely feeling pretty shit about everything.

EldonAve · 08/01/2010 12:27

Did she have wedding insurance or not? And if so does it cover guest travel costs?

RainRainGoAway · 08/01/2010 12:29

Really horrified that on top of the trauma of having to cancel her wedding, people would be so hideous as to make her pay for something like this!

If they decided to go then it was of their own free will and yes, they should take the hit. Its unfair etc but why can't they make a holiday of it.

There is no way I would add insult to injury to a friend in this position. I think the friends should grow up and accept that there is nothing secure in this world and if they choose to go abroad for a wedding then that is their choice to pay.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 08/01/2010 12:30

I think people are obliged to make a big effort to go to weddings, actually. If you don't go it looks like a snub and can damage relations forever.

This is why I dislike the very grand weddings abroad business. You receive an invite, you feel obliged or even want to go but unless you are really quite comfortably off then you have to make quite big sacrifices to get the money together to go. I'd love to have a long weekend away in a European country (of my choice) next year but no way can we afford that. And we are on paper a high income family. But, we would consider trying to go for the wedding of a close friend or family member. So if we lost the money from those flights because the wedding was cancelled ... so what do we do then? Forget it? I think thats unrealistic and if my friend expected me to just "suck it up" I would be angry with her.

skidoodle · 08/01/2010 12:31

I don't really see how anyone is out of pocket. Their flights are still valid, their hotels still expecting them.

If they couldn't afford the trip they should have declined the invitation.

I agree about destination weddings being presumptuous and tacky, but perhaps the groom is from the place the wedding was to take place.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 12:31

maybe they think she was being skittish in the first place? maybe they'd continually warned her against the person? maybe... they think her wedding insurance will cover it?

RainRainGoAway · 08/01/2010 12:31

PS - I had a wedding 'abroad' in my original home country. If people wanted to come, then great, no obligation. If not, there was a party back here. If something had gone wrong with my wedding then it would have financially crippled me to have refunded those who decided to come.

Baileysismyfriend · 08/01/2010 12:31

Did the friends know the couple were having problems?

As I'm not sure I would book flights for a wedding where the couple were having counselling already and if I didnt know this I would feel a little put out that Id lost money.

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 08/01/2010 12:32

I agree, RainRain.

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/01/2010 12:32

Have I missed somewhere that Tooly's sister has got wedding insurance?

If so, I would appreciate that the friends would be a bit miffed that the bride shall not be out of pocket, but they will (if they have insurance they still would not get 100% of the cost back would they).

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 12:33

No insurance because they were organising it themselves. And yes my sister is strapped for cash now. He has moved out so all household bills are now covered by her. Plus all her money went into a joint account so she unsure what is hers now. Miserable sitution exacerbated by twattery of the highest order.

OP posts:
EldonAve · 08/01/2010 12:35

Organising it yourself doesn't prevent you buying insurance but too late now

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 12:37

like i say, i got married abroad, but i don't like grand weddings abroad either. ours was a small thing, only 30 guests or so, and we were super-duper-super-duper clear that it would be a cheap euro city break for everyone and if they didn't feel for whatever reason that they wanted to come it was no bother whatsoever. (as it was, we caused offence by NOT inviting enough people, apparently, so you can't win. and most of our guests stayed for a whole week cos it was such a good deal on the hotel)
otoh we have been invited to a wedding abroad next year and it's in rural, rural france and i'm dreading it. the guests will be traders etc for the most part so it'll be loadsamoney (our pals swim in those circles but are deeply lovely) and i've never driven abroad before. i want to see them get married but god, i wish it was in the uk.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 08/01/2010 12:37

I think these friends are being selfish knobs too. I wonder, though, if they are more friends of the non-groom than the OP's sister and therefore blame her for the cancelled wedding (rightly or wrongly) and want to punish her?

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 08/01/2010 12:37

skidoodle - destination weddings are not always presumptious and tacky, that is a very sweeping generalisation.

FlightAttendant · 08/01/2010 12:37

Sorry Toolly but I think you might be transferring a bit...I don't think it is pleasant that people have felt they had to ask for their money, but then it is such a mess already. And I thinkyour real anger needs directing at the bloke if it was his fault the thing got cancelled. Not the guests who presumably were not implicated.

And yes, how long ws the counselling going on for - did they issue the invitations whilst going to counselling on the quiet?

Sounding odder and odder.

Lulumama · 08/01/2010 12:38

if people thought she was being skittish or that the wedding was not a good ide, they should not have bought their flights etc.

i think it is absolutely repugnant to approach this lady for a refund.

the bottom line is, if you can';t afford to go, or take the hit if something went wrong, you don't go.

Crapweasel · 08/01/2010 12:39

ROFL at people talking about Bride's responsibilities and gestures of good will.

This isn't a consumer relationship people: you come to my wedding and I'll provide some stale vol au vents, a mediocre meal and the opportunity to dance to Oops Upside Your Head.

These people are meant to be friends and, if wedding insurance isn't a factor, should definitely "suck it up".

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 08/01/2010 12:39

That, SGB, is a very good theory!

RainRainGoAway · 08/01/2010 12:40

Agree that the idea of destination weddings are always a bad idea.
My DB (English) lives in Canada with his Polish fiance who lived in Italy for 10 years before also moving to Canada! where the hell should he choose to have his wedding? In the end they decided on Mexico as there was no ideal place for anyone! As it was, it was the week before the swine flu outbreak so the whole thing was nearly scuppered anyway.

WilfSell · 08/01/2010 12:41

Perhaps she should diffuse the situation by offering them some partial compensation from money now not being paid out for the wedding? And she can point out she doesn't have insurance and so with good will, she'll do what she can but...

...And then hopefully they will be placated enough not to fall out over it. I bet - since it is June - they can get a partial refund from the airfare/hotels themselves though, surely?

FlightAttendant · 08/01/2010 12:41

Lulumama yes, I tend to agree actually.

But I still feel it is desperately unwise to invite people to an elaborate wedding if your relationship is not, how shall we say, ticking over...

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:42

Flight - there is no indication that the sisters ex was to blame for the split. It sounds like they both tried to make it work. Attending counselling ec.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 08/01/2010 12:42

Goodness, I knew Mumsnet was heaving with middle class people on very high incomes but am astounded at the number of you who could say goodbye to the cost of airline tickets to Europe without flinching.

Am going to change my name to BibbityBobbityScrooge.