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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

423 replies

toolly · 08/01/2010 11:44

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

OP posts:
4andnotout · 08/01/2010 12:11

I would expect my cash back if there wasn't going to be a wedding.

Sorry for your sister though.

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:12

"is it just me or are people who plan the most extravagant of weddings the most likely to fall out"

TheBossofMe · 08/01/2010 12:13

tooly - did your sister have wedding insurance? If so, it should cover this for her guests as well....

Lulumama · 08/01/2010 12:13

if someone was getting married in the UK, and then cancelled, would people be so awful as to ask for money back got hotels booked/outfitd bouthg etc??

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:13

True Toolly, nothing is set in stone.
Another reason why I wouldn't encourage my nearest and dearest to invest in my plans.

wannaBe · 08/01/2010 12:13

"Forcing/insisting/suggesting/inviting people to go abroad for a weddings is a bit of a cheek I think, you are taking hundreds of pounds just on flights
and hotels and food." I don't imagine they were being dragged there kicking and screaming.

I think it's a bloody cheek personally. If you are invited to the wedding then you make the choice whether or not you wish to go. These people are not the bride's customers - they are supposedly her friends. As the wedding isn't until June they will presumably only have paid a deposit so they are not going to be hundreds of £s out of pocket.

NoahAndTheWhale · 08/01/2010 12:15

If this happened to me I would be annoyed at the lost money but that would be it. I would be very sorry for the friend and would definitely not start demanding money from her.

emsyj · 08/01/2010 12:16

We went to a wedding in Italy in September and it cost a freakin' fortune. I had one day of annual leave left from work which I had to use as the wedding was on a Sunday and there were only a.m. flights so we had to return on the Monday, we were very limited in terms of where we could stay as it was held in a tiny village and the flights cost a fortune. We forked out so that we could be there, but if it had been cancelled we would have been very out of pocket and mightily miffed - and no, we wouldn't have 'turned it into a holiday' - it WASN'T a holiday, it was a weekend trip to attend a wedding. It wasn't a location we would have chosen to holiday in, the weather was appalling (driving rain and thunderstorms) and the price of a drink in local bars was £5 for a bottle of beer. YABU. If you ask guests to push the boat out for you and spend £££ coming to your wedding then you take some responsibility if you call it off and cause them to lose out. As others have said, I don't think I would be brave enough to ask the bride for a refund but I can imagine there would be bad feeling if the bride and groom don't acknowledge in some way that guests are out of pocket through no fault of their own.

GhoulsAreLoud · 08/01/2010 12:16

I think you're on dodgy ground though saying they can afford to lose the money.

I donn't think you can ever really comment on other people's circumstances.

We have a fairly nice house, two cars but literally no spare cash and I would hate for people to assume we could just throw money away.

I still think it was poor of the friends to ask though.

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:16

Just saw that the guests are well off.
So if they are not motivated by financial necessity, perhaps they are trying to make a point?
I dont know the circumstances of your sisters situation but I'd feel pissed off if the split came across as petty or flighty.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 12:17

Nobody forces you to go to a wedding. Nobody is under an obligation. The invitation just said when and where they were going to get married and it would be lovely if you could come. Lots of people said they couldn't go, and she understood because it is a long way away.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 08/01/2010 12:17

This thread has certainly helped me decide not to go to my friend's wedding in Girona next year .

doggiesayswoof · 08/01/2010 12:19

Maybe the guests think the fares might be covered by OP's sister's wedding insurance?

I think they have a point, but in their position I would never ask for a "refund"

Their decision to go = they should have made sure they could afford it, and OP says they are well off.

Life is unfair sometimes and they should get a sense of perspective - they have lost some money, meanwhile two people's lives are in complete turmoil

Self-centred and grasping to ask imo.

tulpe · 08/01/2010 12:20

YANBU.

I think its awful that "friends" would ask this of your sister. I don't see why she would need to compensate them for their loss - either morally or legally.

They were prepared to make the financial sacrifice when there was a wedding to go to. Why not make the most of it and enjoy a holiday there instead?

As you say, your poor sister will clearly be distraught and dealing with the falling apart of her relationship. Incredibly insensitive and grabby, imo.

I am really and for her, tbh. Vile behaviour on the part of those people. I would never do this - no matter how broke I was.

Lulumama · 08/01/2010 12:20

we wereinvited to a wedding in italy. did not go, too expensive and not somewhere we would have chosen to go, s it happened , the marriage lasted less than two years,. so glad did not fork out of r it

but no-one forces you to go, and surely it is caveat emptor, and if you are lashing out money, you need to thin of the what ifs? what if you could not go due to illness/broken leg etc.. never mind because the wedding was cancelled, with 5 months notice

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 12:21

My sister is not a flighty idiot. Her relationship broke down, despite counselling. She made the brave decision to cancel and not go ahead which she could have done. I am just very upset for my sister, and think these people are twats but I appreciate every one elses opinion, that why its on AIBU.

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 08/01/2010 12:21

emsyj - you shouldn't have gone.

Your choice.

JeremyVile · 08/01/2010 12:22

Oh, interesting re the sisters insurance.
Perhaps that is why they are asking her for the money.

emsyj · 08/01/2010 12:22

No, nobody 'forces' you to go to a wedding - but if it is your friend who's getting married you often DO feel a sense of obligation to be there. You don't just get an invitation and think 'oh I don't fancy that much' (or at least I don't!!!) - I generally get an invite and think, 'can I manage it? Can I make it?' We have just been invited to a wedding in August and we are due to have our first baby in mid-June - it would involve an overnight stay as it is some distance away and I am already desperately trying to work out how we can manage it. Maybe that makes me a mug, but I think a lot of people DO make a HUGE effort to attend weddings to avoid causing hurt or disappointment to the bride and groom by turning down an invitation.

sayithowitis · 08/01/2010 12:23

The fact is that you can never know how 'well off' somebody really is. You don't know all their financial commitments and therefore don't know whether paying for this was a stretch for them or not. I still think that if you invite somebody to your wedding abroad, and then cancel, you do have some responsibility to them. It's all very well to say that they shouldn't go if they can't afford it, but if you get a wedding invite from a friend, you tend to assume it's because they actually want you there, rather than a 'duty' invite. In that case I imagine many people would move heaven and earth to attend and under those circumstances I don't think it is unreasonable fro them to want money back for tickets they have paid for and cannot now use. Also, if it is air tickets they are 'claiming' for, they will have had to pay for them in full, up front. It is only accommodation that might have only taken a deposit. Not many people I know could afford to suck up that kind of financial loss. I certainly couldn't.

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 08/01/2010 12:23

It matters not whether the guests are well off or not. It should be common decency to offer people their money back. I'd hope that as good friends, they'd understand and say "no, you have enough to deal with, we are gonna make a holiday of it anyways".....and take the hit.

Cancelling a wedding here is not the same as cancelling one that is abroad. Outfits, you can wear again, most hotel stays can be cancelled with no penalty etc etc. I was married abroad and if we'd have had to cancel, I'd not only be upset about that in itself, but it would be a double whammy, the added guilt of all those people having spent good money and used annual leave to get there. I know first hand the effort people make to go to weddings abroad and it is not to be sniffed at.

doggiesayswoof · 08/01/2010 12:23

Absolutely agree with Lulumama - if you are shelling out a large amount of money for anything, then it's your responsibility to consider risks and contingencies

They weren't under obligation to go

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 12:25

Bibity glad to have helped in your decision making

OP posts:
emsyj · 08/01/2010 12:26

doggiesayswoof - I don't understand why you think we shouldn't have gone?? We made the effort to go because the bride was my friend. We could afford it (luckily) and the wedding itself was brilliant. Would we have been happy to spend all that money for a cancelled wedding? No. Would I have asked the bride for a refund if it had been cancelled? No, but I don't think it would have been unreasonable to expect some sort of gesture or apology for the loss from the bride and groom if that had happened.

Am mystified as to why you think we shouldn't have gone... do you think that wedding guests should never make an effort or put themselves to inconvenience or expense to attend the wedding of someone who's important to them? If so, then that's sad, but I don't think that way.

FlightAttendant · 08/01/2010 12:26

I have encountered a lot of opinions on here regarding weddings and the obligation to go, especially if it is a good friend, family etc.
I have never understood it, considering the many, many posts by people who have to sacrifice, or feel obliged to sacrifice, a lot of money, time or other things in order to attend - because they feel they ought to go, even if it will be very difficult for them.

I hate the idea of foreign weddings as I think inviting a lot of people to an occasion is always going to mean some of them will find it an awkward location, time or whatever, but still feel they ought to support you by attending. Which is nice and so on, BUT if you make it expensive and awkward in other ways such as by taking the whole thing hundreds of miles away from where anyone lives, you are really not going to have a huge number of people who will findit easy. It raises the awkwardness quotient massively.

Therefore I don't think foreign weddings are a good idea. And I don't think the people who have agreed to go, paid loads of money for tickets and then are told 'sorry, it's all off' are going to feel happy about it. Because often they have had to rearrange their plans to fit with this 'happy occasion'. It's perceived as their social duty.

tellingthem it is then still their social duty to suck up the financial loss is really pushing it imo. Though I can see it comes across as grabbing, I am sure they will have felt very uncomfortable asking - and I'm sorry but I do think your sister ought to have already offered to compensate them in some way, even if just a gesture and not the full amount.

I just hate the whole conceptof big weddings actually. I really do. I'd never want one and I don't understand it. No offence intended to people who do.