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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

423 replies

toolly · 08/01/2010 11:44

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

OP posts:
Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 17:48

inkling, of course

OP posts:
Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 17:49

She has only just told me she's paying them back (last half hour)

OP posts:
FlightAttendant · 08/01/2010 17:50

I don't think she should pay the whole lot if he was partially 'to blame'

Sounds like he is getting away with it

Very unfair.

hocuspontas · 08/01/2010 17:51

Well hopefully sis is taking it out of the money she owes him.

juicy12 · 08/01/2010 17:53

My mistake, Toolly

flowerybeanbag · 08/01/2010 18:22

These guests may have assumed rightly or wrongly, that it would cause no financial problems at all for your sister and her ex to reimburse them. They may be working on the assumption that the wedding was going to cost x amount, and that your sister and her ex fiance will now have a lot of that money available, presumably having only forfeited deposits for a lot of the projected wedding expenses.

They may have assumed there was plenty of money floating about now the amount being used for the wedding was not needed.

I still agree they were wrong to ask, but it's just something else they may have thought that might have made them feel less guilty about asking.

RainRainGoAway · 08/01/2010 19:51

I hope your sister is OK Tooley. Poor thing. I would be reacting exactly the same way if it were my sister being kicked whilst she is down. I get so protective of her and would be wanting to give tiny kicks on the shin to whoever was compounding to her misery.

You sound like a lovely loyal sister. She is lucky to have you on her side.

PeachyWillNeverVoteBNP · 08/01/2010 19:56

'If the boot were on the other foot, would you suck up quite happily hundreds of pounds lost'

Above asking someone going through a massive break up for cash? Absolutely.And trust me, I am not well off.

I think if she has the cash it would be nice to offer it back but relationship break ups cost a small fortune IME, so it isn't always a possibility.

AmericanHag · 08/01/2010 22:59

I feel bad for your sis, Tooly.

I've been in a similar situation as the guests here. It was rather inconvenient for a lot of us. I didn't ask for my money back (tacky!), but I politely declined to attend the rescheduled wedding.

thumbwitch · 08/01/2010 23:20

I would just like to say that in my case when my wedding was cancelled, it happened over 3 days. One day "he wasn't sure and thought he might like to postpone"; the next day he thought we had better cancel and I should tell my parents; and the 3rd day he fucked off to live with the bint he left me for.

I had NO INKLING there was anything wrong at all.

cakewench · 08/01/2010 23:24

Funny thing about destination weddings. OP says "no one is forces you to attend a wedding", and then I see opposite comments in other discussions on such weddings "well I am just hurt because these friends of mine can clearly afford to come to my wedding in amazing country elsewhere but refuse to do so because planned holiday already, cost, etc"

Honestly, I can understand where the people who want their money back are coming from. I wouldn't have the cajones ask for it back, myself, though.

Full disclosure: I had a bit of a destination wedding, though not a third-party dream getaway type thing. My husband is from Germany, I'm originally from the US, and we were married in Germany. (decided mostly because he has much more family than I do) If we'd canceled I actually probably would have helped a few people out with some costs, had they asked. Not their entire tickets, but 20% or whatever the airlines won't refund. I don't know, I'm thinking of this as I type.

It's a difficult situation.

muminthemiddle · 09/01/2010 00:05

I wouldn't ask for my money back.
Tbh we declined an invite to a wedding abroard (not family members ) on financial grounds.
The couple were going somewhere very exotic and expensive.
In the end the wedding never happened.

In short I would only agree to go if it was somewhere we would choose to go on holiday and we could definately afford it.m

amiea · 09/01/2010 00:08

Pay up

Mongolia · 09/01/2010 00:35

I found destination weddings very selfish, for me it seems like a bridezila at its worse: I have seen some when the couple is not only expecting to walk on a remote beach and say "yes" precisely at dusk but also demanding the guests use wear white clothes and wear no shoes.

I agree that there are occasions where marrying in a remote location is unavoidable, and in such case things should be done to ensure people don't feel the duty to attend, like what Aitch described doing.

I believe if your sister took money from the guests to book their flights, then she should offer to return at least part of it, in the same way that you return the wedding presents if the event is canceled. However, I would expect the guests to be gracious enough not to accept the money unless it came from somewhere else other than your sister own money.

My question is... if the relationship was not going so well and they knew about it, they should have think it twice before organising a destination wedding. Like thinking on the extra stress such wedding would bring and how unfair it would be to the guests for the wedding to be called off once the guests have spent a lot of money.

Mongolia · 09/01/2010 00:39

Sorry, just reaised I missed the part where Tooly said the sister had no idea of what was going on...

StrictlyKatty · 09/01/2010 16:21

My MIL is still going on about how her niece cancelled her wedding in America at the last minute and what a pain it was and how much money they wasted... 10 YEARS later! She refused to go to her actual wedding 2 years later (with a new man) as she wouldn't take the risk of it happening again.

If they broke up amicably I'd split, if he/she cheated/did something terrible the party at fault should pay.

tapas · 09/01/2010 18:03

Tooly

Doesn't the groom have some responsibility towards the guests?

I'm sorry but your sister is a sap for paying up. Her finacial situation with him sounds a bit shit too.

Did YOU not have an inkling that things were not quite right?

Why oh why were your sis and bil planning a wedding when they seem quite skint?

Not the brightest spark

Original poster
toolly · 09/01/2010 20:28

The first I knew when things were going a bit awry was very late November. We invited her around for my youngest's first birthday and she could barely raise a smile, she excused herself and when I next saw her her were red from crying. I was bit busy with the rest of the children so couldn't ask her then and there but rang her later in the evening to see if everything was OK. She declined to talk further so I took it that something was wrong. Four days later she told how is behaviour towards her had changed in the last month (November 09) and she was seeking emergency counselling to try and sort everything.
Gahh! So hard trying to remember exact dates and to be honest the question is academic because my sister has decided to reimburse the couples (she told me she was going to yesterday evening)
My mother had offered to reimburse her best friend who was coming with her daughter and grandaughter from Australia. They have decided to still go to Turkey and have a holiday there instead.They didn't see it as a great problem. The other two couples obviously did

OP posts:
Original poster
toolly · 09/01/2010 20:36

I think the wedding for the day would have cost £6000 in total. (they were not paying for accommodation or travel of the guests, who were going to sort out their own arranagements.) My dad was paying half. My sister did not have Bridezilla aspirations. We are both quite sensible and realise it not the wedding but the marriage that matters. That's why she cancelled the wedding.
They were not skint. I do not know where this idea came about. She is finding things financially tough now because breakups cost a lot.

OP posts:
PurpleEglu · 09/01/2010 22:47

I'm sad your sister has decided to pay them back becuase I think they are truly awful friends, I do hope she has nothing more to do with them.

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/05/2019 11:48

Sorry, I think your friends, whilst not maybe being tactful are well within their rights not to be out of pocket. You say they are well off but unless you deal with their financial affairs and know their future plans you dont have a clue about their finances. Those saying that the insurance would cover it are incorrect. Most insurances wont cover if the reason is an indirect third party action.

HBStowe · 08/05/2019 12:01

That’s shocking, not friends at all.

And this is literally what insurance is for!

HBStowe · 08/05/2019 12:02

Aww man, zombie thread 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️

TheInvestigator · 08/05/2019 12:23

@Cheeseandwin5

The thread is 9 years old!!! You really need to give your opinion 9 years later?

DonkeyHohtay · 08/05/2019 12:24

After 9 and a bit years, I'm hoping the OP's sister has moved on and found happiness elsewhere.