To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

[toolly]

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

Wedding insurance does not cover either party cancelling the wedding it covers specific things related to suppliers not showing up for example.

Your poor sis, I cannot imagine what sort of friends she has who would do this together. They should just go on the holiday anyway. Some people are unbelievable.
If you went to a wedding, bought a present and the couple got divorced would you ask for your money back?

Loads of people have said YANBU though. Not like you have got clobbered.

ecomouse OP says it is only just cancelled, I imagine the sister is calling to tell people it is off and hasn't thought through all of the financial implications etc. She may well get to that in a while once the dust has settled a bit. People don't often think straight when they have just had to cancel their whole wedding.

Even for people inclined to ask (rude IMO) they could at least have waited a little while rather than jump straight on it. Looks like they don't care at all that relationship is failed if it's first thing they think of.

"Isn't sometimes a gradual realisation that your futures are not going to be together rather than an instant epiphany?"

Yes, but during that gradual realisation other people are not normally making plans to travel across Europe to attend a ceremony celebration the permanence of your relationship.

Really, she should have cancelled the wedding as soon as there was any doubt about it going ahead, given the nature of what they were planning.

Toolly, feel very sorry for your sister and am astonished that anyone let alone people who call themselves could so heartless. FFS, the woman's life has fallen apart! And they haven't actually lost any money at all - they still have their tickets and bookings, if they don't want to use them, that's their look out.

They won't lose the full cost if they don't go anyway, presumably just the deposit. If they can't afford to lose the deposit, fine, pay the full cost and go, treat it as a holiday.

Good grief, if something so shitty happened to a friend of mine, I'd desperately worried about her and buying masses of kleenex and red wine, not expecting her to refund me for something that I could still use. (And I'm really really skint atm as it happens.)

Eco mouse, I know getting het up in the presence of my sister won't help her. Hence the thread. Cathartic but very unsettling at the same time. You hear things you hadn't considered or want to hear and I have been infuriated at peoples assumptions. But it's the nature of the AIBU

who call themselves friends, obv.!

(Anyway, if it's the groom who called it off/was such a tosser she couldn't risk marrying him, tell them to talk to him, the bastard.)

WTF do people want, your sister to get married and divorced just so they can have a holiday?

toolly - you sound ott with your feelings towards your sisters friends. Are/were they your friends too? Maybe you should use your energy in supporting your sister rather than slagging off people who feel pissed off justifiably that they have lost money and your sister hasn't even got the manners to offer reinbursement.

well if he (the groom) called it off he should be offering to pay back!

I agree with others, if I had insisted on getting married abroad I would at have offered to pay back money even if i was the one that had been jilted (on the basis that HOPEFULLY my friends would say not to worry about it, but if they did I would just suck it up)

what is it with getting married abroad these days? i just don't get it.

I must be presumtuous and tacky then according to some as DH and I got married abroad, in Jamaica. We did it because it was a second marriage for both of us, Dh's ex was making life difficult for his children to attend our wedding, and we didn't think it was fair for my children to attend but his not. We also didn't want some huge display as it was a second marriage for both of us, and it was just for us, no-one else. We didn't invite anyone, and family and friends understood our plans and reasons for them, but DH's parents and brother an dSIL asked if they could come, so we agreed. They spent a lot of money on their holdiays an dit was entirely their choice to invite themselves, but we would have refunded had it not gone ahead.

OP, I can understand that your sister must be desperately unhappy and in a horrible position right nowe, and I do feel it is insensitive of guests to ask her to refund their money. It is nto somethign I would eprsonally do. I can see where they may be coming from though.

if this had happened to my sister, i would feel the same as toolly, and be furiously incandescent

Bit of a lose/lose situation. It's very sad for your sister. Brave of her/them to call it off when they knew it wasn't the right thing.
However, if I was the bride, I'd offer guests a refund (and probably hope they'd refuse!) But I'd definitely have to offer. Even if you're assuming it's not going to be a financial hit to the "friends", you don't really know, do you? We went to a wedding in an Eastern European country a while back and once we'd shelled out for flights/hotel rooms/presents it was pretty expensive. Given that DH doesn't get much annual leave, I certainly wouldnn't have wanted to holiday there if the wedding had been cancelled. I think it's impossible for the OP to be objective, it's obviously very raw and AIBU isn't going to be the best place to post, methinks.

Toolly tbh I think she was judged on extremely limited information, perhaps a more considered OP would have helped matters be seen from her PoV.

So let's get this straight, they decided to get married in June 08 - two years before the date.

They sent out invites when?

Things started going wrong around October 09?

Started counselling in Oct or Nov 09. After a month (so from mid-late Nov, possibly to mid Dec) things not progressing...but he insisted they keep trying. This week he has moved out.

I'd really like to know what went wrong, it's probably not relevant though - and also how long they were together for prior to getting engaged.

midori

That's not a destination wedding.

You had family invite themselves along to your elopement

FAb, I don't think being angry at the gauchness of asking for your deposit straight after you have been told that the wedding of your friend is off is OTT.
No they were not friends of mine and unlikely to be
Got to pick up DS 1 from school.

But OP, you're being a tad defensive, and given this is your sister, I can see why. But I don't think you can be objective. It would be good manners to offer to reimburse people, but understandably, your thoughts are with your sister. But your sister being distraught doesn't preclude others from having the right to be annoyed that they've lost money.

Look Toolly, if they are generally speaking extremely nobbish people to begin with, then of course you are not being unreasonable in your dislike of them.

It's hard to tell. Motives are imo important here. Don't bother answering my last lot of q's as I don't really want to know the answers...I am just failing to pick up on the reality of the situation regarding the guests' intentions.

It sounds as though perhaps theyw ere already the kind of friends she could have done without. But I don't think the money thing, asking for it back etc is totally relevant to that tbh.

GAH!

OPs sister barely had a chance to tell them before they were demanding cash.

People are assuming that she wasn't going to offer - they never really gave her a chance did they.

Of course OP is NBU to be and

never mind it being good manners to reimburse, it's applalingly bad manners to compound her upset by asking for a refund

"the right to be annoyed that they've lost money"

What "right"?

I guess Britain really is broken if people think that they have a "right" to be annoyed if they lose money and that that right confers on them the further right to go about demanding compensation for anyone they think they can blame for it.

Sometimes you lose money. That's life. If you booked to go to a wedding in a foreign destination where travel and accommodation were not included in the invitation, then you took on responsibility for taking the hit if the wedding was cancelled.

I would also mentally be crossing anyone off a future christmas card list if they even slightly gave me hassle for this. Your poor sister must be feeling so fragile and they are acting like complete tight gits.

"midori

That's not a destination wedding.

You had family invite themselves along to your elopement "

. Well, I still would have paid them back...

does the 'not destination wedding' mean I am therefore not tacky and presumtuous then?!

I think I'd be concerned about your sister not being able to access joint funds. And then repaying him - what's all that about? The friends wouldn't have known this to be fair.

And I'm sure they wouldn't have asked for money in the same conversation as being told it was cancelled! They are NOT friends if they did

It is not good manners to offer to reimburse the guests. It is crashingly ill mannered of any guest to demand it. And I am Miss Emily Post, arbiter of the rules of polite society IRL so there.

The guests haven't paid the bride a penny and she is under no legal, social or moral obligation to pay them a penny, the money-grabbing back-stabbing bastards. When your friend is down, you should support them, not demand access to their chequebook.

midori - for I am tacky and presumptuous too. Indeed.