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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that invited guest at a cancelled wedding should NOT ask for their money back

423 replies

toolly · 08/01/2010 11:44

My poor sister has just cancelled her wedding which was due to take place in a European country in June. Two of the couples have asked that she refund their deposits or airfares. Am I not justified in thinking that these so called friends are insensitive, money grabbing unmentionables? I don't want to further my sister's woes but I am seething on her behalf. Am I justified to think that she should just say fuck off to these people and

OP posts:
EVye · 08/01/2010 14:08

This happened to us. We didnt take insurance as it was just DH however we did reclaim 60% of the airline ticker cost as there was over 1 months notice. We did not ask the not-bride or not-groom for money back. We took the hit, although it was apain for us financially.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:08

She can't access because ex fiance needs money for depostit and rent etc. Plus he has decided to chuck in his job. I don't think there is much money left for her to access.

OP posts:
Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:09

I AM NOT THE BRIDE. Dh would be most upset.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 14:10

It's not a quesiton of bride offering or not, it's a question of guests asking.

Personally I would only go to an overseas wedding if a. it was my bestest mate getting married or b. i wanted to go to the place anyway and it was a good excuse for a nice holiday.

Situation a. I would be rallying round my friend not badgering her for cash, situation b. I would go ahead and have a holiday anyway.

HarrietTheSpy · 08/01/2010 14:10

And she's 'paying him back' for the garden work? He sounds like a twat. Tell him to get a job!

diddl · 08/01/2010 14:10

I can´t believe a wedding was booked if the relationship was in difficulties.

Especially something that was going to incur expense to others!

What a risk!

MorrisZapp · 08/01/2010 14:12

Oh god. This is agonisingly close to a situation DP and I are going through with close friends too.

Both parties had booked long haul stag/ hen do's too, with all flights non refundable.

My view on it is this:

  1. It's fine for DP and I as we can afford to take the financial hit. DP is now off on a 'non stag' party on the other side of the world and enjoying himself fine.
  1. The two people involved are heartbroken, this has ruined both their lives for the forseeable future, and silly issues like people losing money on airtickets are secondary to watching their futures crumble before their eyes.
  1. However. I do think there is a big fat lesson here about the modern wedding phenomenon wrt costs involved and travel asked of guests of the wedding and of the stag/ hens. Nobody plans a wedding thinking 'what will happen if I cancel' but the horrible, cynical, practical part of me does want to shake Mr Cold Feet and ask him why in the name of arsing fuck he asked his mates to travel across the world for a stag party to celebrate a wedding that he wasn't 100 million percent sure he could go through with.

Warning to bride and groom zillas - the bigger your wedding plans, the more hassle you cause everybody, and yes, expense too. Whether the wedding goes ahead or not you're asking a lot of your mates. None of us has spare cash or spare time - being your guest takes effort.

Them's just my thoughts at present.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:13

Right my sister is in an emotional and financial mess. Its the gauchness of these so called friend that rankles.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneOh · 08/01/2010 14:14

yep, forget about paying him back. the guests should get money first imo. it's only two couples, so four flights and four deps. or she could see about transferring them to someone else who wants a hol? i do think if she'd offered first then none of this would have happened.

and tell her not to get a joint account in future, it's not very sensible.

interesting first post 'feelsosorry4yoursister'.

EcoMouse · 08/01/2010 14:14

Imso, if the bride had offered, guests would not be in the uncomfortable position of having to ask!

She should have at least offered.

I personally would have declined but to not offer at all depicts an lack of care or concern towards friends and guests.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 14:15

Why can't she access the joint account though?

thumbwitch · 08/01/2010 14:16

I think they are being completely insensitive. I have been on both ends of this (sort of) - I had to cancel my wedding with 3m to go and people were mostly only too happy to refund my deposits on stuff (with the exception of the extremely nobby reception area, who would have had no trouble at all re-booking the date), even the haberdashers who had sold me the fabric for 2 bridesmaid dresses gave me my money back when I explained the reason why. Luckily no one had paid out for air fares though - perhaps I would have found out different if they had!

The other end - I was chief bridesmaid for a friend - she wanted to go to Dublin for the weekend (a few years ago) so I arranged it all and booked my flight etc. THen she discovered she had made a balls-up of the date and was supposed to be at someone else's wedding that weekend (doh!). Her SIL-to-be insisted that my friend pay her back the money; she lost money on her own airfare - but I said don't worry about it and went to Dublin anyway. I wouldn't have her already limited finances stretched further because of me, even though it was her own silly fault, because she is a good friend.

for your sister - tis a horrible thing to have to deal with, made no better by people who can't see that it's a horrible thing to deal with.

Sassybeast · 08/01/2010 14:17

Tooly - is there any chance that these friends knew about the relationship difficulties, expressed concerns about the fact that the wedding was going ahead with a potential for it to be cancelled and were reassured by your sis or her ex that all was well ?

Maybe now they're just feeling a bit pissed off about that ? Am assuming that they are fairly close friends if they were prepared to go abroad ?

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:17

The wedding invites were sent out wellbefore the relationship went pear shaped and arrangements were made since they got engaged. Everything has gone bad in the last 2 months or so. They wanted it to work out, thought that there was a good possibility that it could have done. It hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:21

I don't think I'll be doing an AIBU thread again. Mind you it's been interesting getting others' perspectives.

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 08/01/2010 14:22

'AIBU'! The clue's in the title ...you did ask.

Trifle · 08/01/2010 14:23

The dates dont add up. Your sister knew in October the relationship was failing and spent a month in counselling to realise it wasnt going anywhere so by November she knew the wedding was off. Why didnt she tell her guests then?

Most flights can only be booked 7 months in advance so a June wedding meant they could not have booked their flights earlier than November by which time she knew the wedding was going to happen. Why did she wait 2 months during which time people had booked and paid to go.

Also, why would she arrange a wedding for a specific week when she knows her nearest and dearest, ie you, cannot attend. Surely most sisters would have arranged a wedding the week before/after.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:25

I know it's AIBU, I just thought I wouldn't mind so much. My sisters situation has been well and truly judged. I feel awful on her behalf.

OP posts:
OneOf8 · 08/01/2010 14:26

Hi, I just saw this whilst trying to get some opinions on an entirely separate matter - and I just couldn't believe the cheek!

I am sorry about your sister situation, and hope she is ok x

I can understand where they are coming from - however timing is poor and if they couldn?t afford to go away, they should have declined invite.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:28

She didn't know it was definitely off. She offered to postpone especially as he wanted to go ahead and thought that the counselling would work. How do you know when you are at the end of the road. Isn't sometimes a gradual realisation that your futures are not going to be together rather than an instant epiphany?

OP posts:
skidoodle · 08/01/2010 14:29

MorrisZapp

"I do think there is a big fat lesson here about the modern wedding phenomenon wrt costs involved and travel asked of guests of the wedding and of the stag/ hens."

Absolutely.

EcoMouse nobody is being forced to ask for the money back. Even if you feel she should have offered, that still doesn't make it OK to ring her up and ask.

Aitch

Totally agree - groom's repayments for gardening work come after guests' expenses. I still can't believe anyone would actually take the money though.

traceybath · 08/01/2010 14:29

How much are the deposits?

If its £100 per couple I'd just pay them but mentally cross them off my friends list.

Also did they ask for the money in the same conversation as her telling them the wedding was off? I can understand your anger if that is the case as its very insensitive.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 08/01/2010 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
toolly · 08/01/2010 14:30

Last post addressed to Trifle by the way. I don't think timelines of what people felt and said are entirely relevant. My sister has acted with the best of intentions. Hasn't wanted to deceive or rip any off. Now she knows. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 08/01/2010 14:31

toolly, she's your sister and her wellbeing is bound to be your priority. She's a lucky girl! Getting het up on her behalf isn't likely to help her a great deal though, although it's understandably an instinctive reaction.

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