DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

[dmmum]

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

is weight the real issue or is weight the symptom?Is there a deep rooted issue between you both and he latches onto your weight or is he genuinely controlling about weight?
What is he like otherwise?Is he attentive etc?

With your PND did he help you,listen or did he block it out?20 years is a long time eto feel unhappy,were there problems pre-dc or did having children and pnd create problems?You say he is unlikely to attend relationship counselling - what will he do?

more to the point what do you want to do.you cannot rely upon a kind word or smile from him (or anyone else) to make you happy.happiness is state of mind and behaviours.So instead of trying to please him,focus and think what do you want and need.Time to stop prioritising his needs and have a long think about your own.Food and mood are inextricably linked if you feel bad and low affect using food as a comforter is a short term gratification.But ultimately as you know it is short lived and adds to another deeper rooted issue.

consider individual self counselling.no one can make another individual commit. some self reflection and realistic goal setting for yourself, not him

feeling lost helpless,relationship wories fit criteria for counselling.individual counselling may help op gather her thoughts,resolve and strength.counselling isnt an admission of weakness.it is a systemic exploration of deep rooted issues (individual or not)

op husband is unlikely to change so maybe she can look at potential changes

Supportive: "Look darling, I'm worried about our health and fitness, maybe we should all go on a bit of a health kick"

Twattish: "Put that biscuit down, why are you having pudding, don't eat that cake...."

This is what the discussion is about, not fat-bashing

dittany, I really think you overuse the words 'abuse' and 'controlling'. Just because someone doesn't like an aspect of someone else and says so does not make them an abuser. In this case, I am pretty sure he is just being a cock although it is hard to tell without more information. But honestly, people are human and yes, sometimes if your partner changes in some way that can be difficult and you might say something to them about it. It doesn't make you an 'abuser' and labelling them so just makes the label itself weaker. Just because you married someone doesn't mean you have to like and accept any action they take. If DP put on loads of weight, or quit his job or decided to take up a dangerous sport, would I be a bad person if I didn't say 'that's great!' There's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things, by the way, but it's not what I 'signed up' for. Expecting people to tolerate any possible change in their partner is just naive.

I think counselling could be useful for the OP to define the issues in the relationship and maybe get a bit of help dealing with her feelings, how to express herself clearly and constructively to the H. The counselling I have in mind would focus on the OP getting her self esteem back -- it wouldn't be about losing weight or making herself more attractive (or trying to do this) to her H. It would be about finding herself again, finding the things that make her happy, independent of the H and his opinion of her and his treatment of her.

It is abusive for the H to constantly harp on about the perceived faults of the OP, second guess her simple decisions like staying in bed a bit longer than her H; it erodes her confidence, contributes to her depression, and diminishes her as a woman to have her body shape and size criticised constantly. I think counselling could help the OP with this aspect of the abuse she has been suffering. As Janos said, the weight (which is not the real problem) will fall off, more or less, by itself once the issues have been sorted. Weight and health issues are one thing, but disrespect and abuse in a relationship are entirely another.

I could agree that if you are in a long term relationsip you can get a bit complacent. I do think that the OP's H's comments are not OK though.

The Op is a grown up, she should be able to eat what she wants, when she wants. Grown up conversations should be "Ok i've/we've put on a few pounds - diet after xmas then" And have a rota for getting up in the morning. That should be the end of it.

If that doesn't work, outside help will be needed.

Of course eating is a decision based in habit and emotion - it sounds like the OP is aware of this, but her DP is not accounting for this at all - it may be just too much to face that HE has a dissatisfied partner and so falls back on trying to control something that he perceives is wrong in HIS life. I suspect if it wasn't a "weight issue" it would be something else.
No, "dumping"someone is rarely the longer term answer, except in desparate circs. BUT..if the OP were to lose weight openly under this duress she would undoubtedly be vulnerable to other pressure points from Mr Perfect.

"BUT..if the OP were to lose weight openly under this duress she would undoubtedly be vulnerable to other pressure points from Mr Perfect."

That's a fair point. If OP lost weight under his insistance, what else would he decide needed changing? And how likely is it he'd get more subtle after finding his lovely methods worked

some psychobabble guesswork and gobbledegook goin on here

scottishmummy - could you be a bit more vague?

something else. OP might want to try going for a nice long sweaty walk. 30 mins or so, just anywhere, even along a street. I don't know if she takes any exercise at all, but a simple walk can clear the mind, and body to a degree. Also it would be interesting to know what DPs reaction would be ot her saying "Ok. I ahve a weight problem and I am going to do something about it. Can you look afterthe dcs for a bit a bit whilst I do something about it?"

But the OP doesn't say anywhere she WANTS to lose weight.I think the generalisation that all overweight people are miserable and would love to lose weight but lack the self discipline is ridiculous.
Appearance and showing off a well toned svelt body just isn't important to some people.
There may be health risk associated with extreme overweight, but there is risk associated with rugby, skiing even travelling on the roads.Do we feel people rugby players ,skiers and drivers are unhappy and lack self discipline.

Um- just read this the OP said she doesn't get any affection other then a nudge in the back - I don't think this is from his elbow! He only pays attention to her when he wants sex!

She only mentions DS - does he only give affection to males, wonder how he treats/is treated by other women in his life.

New to this understand troll is a fake poster, 164 replies to one post with no further engagement, could this be one? (Cynical? Not me!)

Could be a troll, or just not near a pc. In any case, OP, can you please use "lie in" not lay in?
Lay is what hens do and what you do to the table ; when you stay in bed or lie down, it's lie

Pedant's tizzy fit over.

There's some real nastiness and mis-information on this thread!

I am totally at IMLH and her 'how much does a size 18 woman weigh?'! IMLH - I know three women who are or who have been a size 18; my friend, my mother and my aunt. My friend is very tall and is on the lower end of ideal in the BMI measurement, my aunt was clinically obese when she was an 18 (morbidly now) and my mother is just over into the overweight category - she gained weight during the menopause after being slim all her life. I think these 3 represent the various differences in weight that each dress size (within reason) can contain. It is completely ridiculous to estimate health, weight, BMI, fitness e.t.c based solely on dress size.

In the real world various individual weights can carry very different risk factors for various people depending on medical history. I have never been into overweight BMI for example but have a very poor relationship with food and exercise. I have a hypothyroid and a family history of high blood pressure, heart disease, hypermobile joints and arthritis which makes my risks of heart disease as a consequence of poor diet and joint problems generally very great whether I am overweight or not. This leads me to my next point which is that weight/fatness/thinness/dress size(?) is no indicator at all of whether your arteries are furring or joints are failing. Very very possible to be a normal weight and extremely unhealthy with poor joints.

The way to optimise your health outcomes is to be aware of your individual risk factors but primarily to eat a well rounded and balanced diet (including fats and carbs) free from pesticides (as much as possible), chemicals and low in refined flours, sugars and alcohol and take a reasonable amount of exercise. People who over exercise damage themselves just like people who under exercise and your own fitness regime should be tailored individually i.e. for me running is a big no no because of my thyroid and hypermobile joints. What is best for me is a large amount of lower impact exercise such as a moderately high level on the cross trainer for 30 mins 3 times per week in addition to regular walking, weights and cycling.

Breast cancer is also linked to pesticides on food, anti-perspirants, not breast feeding e.t.c. to whoever made the point about being overweight.

My final point is that actually the OP has only said she thinks she is overweight and her DH picks at her about it. I'm not sure this really constitutes abuse, it is very mean but he might not even think she is overweight and may be genuinely, clumsily, trying to help. Just because OP believes she is overweight does not mean she is by any means. Even if her DH thinks she is, this doesn't mean she is either! I had a boyfriend that gave me a 'weight limit' once. He genuinely believed it was the weight at which people are fat - 11st. For me 11st is right in the middle of ideal BMI. He felt I should be 8 or 9st which would make me underweight on BMI charts.

BMI is a rather rubbish indicator anyway since it takes no account of muscle mass or bone structure. For example I have big strong heavy bones and my sister has tiny light birdlike bones, if she was the same height as me and we weighed the same she would be carrying a lot more fat (or muscle! Lol) than I would but we would be the same BMI. This makes it even more worrying that my ex wanted me underweight because I have big bones and will be heavier than average when I am thin whereas my sister has very small bones so will likely be lighter than average when fat. People should look at the bigger picture - being thin (and attractive?!!! ) and having seconds of trifle and wine does not make you fit and healthy (or attractive/productive/nice e.t.c.), being overweight does not make you unfit or unhealthy (or unattractive/lazy/greedy or other offensive adjectives) and it is rather idiotic to show off about thinking being thin allows you to abuse your body without fear because it is likely to fur your arteries and destroy your liver just as much or as randomly as the next trifle-eater or binge drinker.

My friend is very thin and has struggled with hospitalisation for anorexia all of her life. Since she had her son the only way she can keep her weight above the level the doctors start talking about hospitalisation is by only eating very unhealthy things and by drinking an awful lot. Without the calories she gets from this she would be hospitalised but she is not actually eating a larger quantity than before, this is how she manages her illness. Over eating for comfort can be just as difficult to manage and psychologically based as anorexia and lots of comfort eaters share characteristics with bulemics.

Anyway - I would say OP, you should talk to your DH about how this is making you feel, suggest relationship counselling and try to explain to him that it is not the same as counselling for depression (which you should maybe also have separately to the relationship counselling) to try and encourage him to go. I think it is important that you communicate with each other.

curiosity, no one ever said that being overweight was the only contributor to bad health. Obviously there are other factors and you can have heart disease etc. without having been technically overweight. But it obviously is a risk factor, otherwise why does the NHS make such a big deal of encouraging people to stay a normal size?

Size 18 was picked as a random size by someone else, and I picked them up on it. But their actual words were 'It shouldn't matter whether you're a size 18 or a 28'. Clearly, there are some dress sizes which, if you fit them, do indicate that you are putting your health at risk, and it is totally disingenuous to say 'Oh, you be whatever size you want to be, it's all fine and anyone who says not is nasty'.

ineedalifelaundry said: "I bet you're not even particularly overweight, not that it should make any difference whether you're a size 8, 18, or 28" on the first page. Thank you so much.

Of course it's not the end of the world to be a size 18, but if it does put you into the overweight/obese category then you should have a think about it.

IMLH- true- and conversely if someone is a size 6 they are probably putting their health at risk.

Dress size without the context of height is meaningless mainly. You could be 6 feet and a size 18 and healthy.

I am 5'3" nad have tiny bones- if I was a size 14 I'd be unhealthy as then I'd be about 2 stone overweight.

Weight is a risk factor not only for heart disease but also for breast cancer- a fact that many women seem ignorant of, or would rather ignore- saying they don't care about their weight, thinking heart disease is the only issue.

Evenbeing a few pounds overweight after the menopause increases your risk of breast cancer as fat secretes oestrogen and higher oestrogen equals higher risk of cancer.

I'd be interested to know how many women shum HRT due to the risks, but are happy to carry a stone or more of fat and not realise they are at running the same risk because of it.

I marshall at a 10k in our village and there are people of all shapes and sizes crossing the finishing line in a respectable time.Fat can be fit too

madam-just because fat people can run 10K does not mean they are healthy- no one can see what furring up they have of their arteries, can they?

No but you could say that of anyone couldn't you ?So you would suggest there is no point in an obese person slimming because the damage is already done.?
How would you define 'fit'

For someone who reads so many 'studies' dittany I would have thought that you would have known there is no such thing as all or nothing in medicine or biology. There are such things as risk factors.