DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

[dmmum]

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

I'm afraid that, to me, moondog's comments here make her come across as someone who is quite rigid in her thinking and unwilling to consider that other people's lives and minds are different from her own.

I've never really understood why some people get away with 'telling it like it is' when most other members of society have an idea of the importance of tact and compassion for others.

...and it's perfectly possible to be tactful without indulging in 'faux sympathy'. IMO.

chippinin et al- sad isn't it how your only contribution to what could be an interesting discussion is to start name-calling, and pick on a few posters who say things with which you disagree.

Play the ball, as they say, not the man.

lemonmuffin - Do you just agree with moondog's posts on the subject of weight or other topics too? If so, what ones? I'm interested to know what types of things people might be thinking but not saying.

I also think the OPs husband is handling it badly.

But she has said he wasn´t always like this.
Maybe he just can´t keep his opinions to himself anymore?

Especially if OP keeps saying she wants to lose weight but all he sees is her eating unhealthily?

My husband needs to lose weight & I find it hard not to roll my eyes/sigh when I see him eating chocolate/biscuits etc.

"sad isn't it how your only contribution to what could be an interesting discussion is to start name-calling, and pick on a few posters who say things with which you disagree"

dear pot, meet kettle

Kal- do find me one statement where I have actually name called another poster, in a childish way, and I will bhappy to apologise.

I have disagreed, but I have not stopped so low as to devise a MN bitch of the year etc etc.

Sure,

"Dittany must be overweight"

Which in context of your other posts I don't believe was a compliment, although, feel free to correct me.

Like I said earlier (my post to PP):

""You seem to want to dismiss all/most research just because it says something that goes against who you are or what your few friends look like."

I missed that earlier. I have more than a few friends, and they do not all look alike hmm

No need to be nasty."

Saying someone doesn't have many friends, based on no evidence whatsoever, is very childish IMO, and is certainly not "playing the ball, not the man".

And what is this "et al" stuff? You have decided to lump everyone who disagrees with you into a group and treat them as if they all hold exactly the same views? That is a ridiculous approach. One person made a personal comment. We didn't all make it . I suppose it is handy to dismiss all people with opposing arguments based on the post of one person if you are struggling with your arguments.

Will you be responding to my 1.04 post from this morning?

I havent read this thread, just picking up on the whole partner mentioning weight thing. Im overweight, im not happy about it, but clearly not so unhappy i have done anything about it. Occasionally my DP will comment to me that i need to lose a bit of weight - it just makes me think, oh bollocks, perhaps i should shift a few pounds - my weight probably isnt healthy to be fair. I am OK with DP saying things, christ, if he can't say anything, who the hell can?? Its not done in a critical way and he is overweight too and i do comment on it too - but there are ways of saying things. The OPs partner sounds controlling.

We do sadly live in a sizeist and imagist society. Both my friend and myself have PhDs, but because we are overweight and a bit on the unkempt side (well actually, i never bother much and DF has atrocious fashion sense - lol, its ok, she dont mumsnet!) people are always when we tell them - i truly believe it is down to our weights

Its difficult, i don't think fat should be celebrated in the media, because fat isn't healthy, but then neither is being too thin. What is wrong with Maralyn Monroe type role models. I don't carry my weight well, but one of the sexiest women i know is actually bigger than me (size 20 i am) but she is beautiful and confident and knows how to dress to impress - i really admire her.

Kal- I am correcting you.

It was a statement- maybe I should have put a ? mark after it.

It was also a little joke, but humour is seriously lacking in this thread.
Ditto my comment that I'd rather die young than be overweight andlivelonger.

And even if ir was meant as an insult, then it can't have been, as according to some of you, being overweight is just fine!

I'mso- you are acting very defensively- the fact that I mentioned your "few friends" was to draw a comparison between anecdotal accounts based on small numbers ( a few)- and larger research/surveys.

It was not mean to be a comment on how many friends you have- I am amazed that you thought that, TBH.

I was not being nasty, which is why I didn't reply - and as I said, I am surprised that you took it that way.

anyway, totally bored with this now, so won't be reading/posting any more.

Fat is a feminist issue??? is it?? So why is it, the only people have made me feel self concious about my weight are other women??? Seriously - maybe its because men are too busy oggling my massive tits to care!!!

It's wrong to assume that women who are a size 10 are constantly on a diet, thinking about food and hungry. I eat what I want but I don't have a huge appetite so small portions. My stomach must be fairly small.

Also wrong to think that slim women don't have a great cleavage for men to oggle over.

ROFFLING @ ijustwanttoaskaquestion rushing in and waving her generous norks in everyone's faces

The fat/thin thing is (i hate this phrase) a red herring.

I've never been that fussed about my size, when I was slim, medium or fatter. Obviously been aware, but nothing more.

The thing that I have noted throughout my life is that the vast majority of women, whatever size they are, are hung up on their weight/looks/diet/body shape/breast size etc etc.

I have always eaten whatever I fancied and the amount of questions... "why are you eating that? will you have dinner as well? do you have something like that every day? would you ever have a pudding after eating that" and on and on and on.

And the endless conversation about diets - atkins, slimfast, slimming world, weightwatchers and onto exercise - step classes, pedomoeters it goes on and on and on.

You go out for lunch with some workmates and order chips and everyone is . Sometimes someone will get some as well and act as if they are calling up 15grams of finest colombian, it's that decadent.

So many people are quite literally obsessed. And so miserable as a result. And it's all so insular and frankly dull.

What we need is a good dose of self-confidence across the board I reckon. A bit of ijustwanttoaskaquestion's verve wouldn't go amiss.

Then when we're all happy and cheerful we can take an unbiased look at ourselves and the state of our health and decide whether to do something about it.

Imsonot is right. The obsession is fascinating. Read Candida Crewe's book Thin about her own such thoughts. I found that when I just simply moved to eating 3 normal healthy meals a day I stopped thinking about food. That for me was the biggest achievement and result of cutting out junk food, not having it in moderation. Not eating it. That change alters your brain chemistry, makes you happier and more importantly stops you thinking about food and calories. You just eat. That for me is much much more important than the fact yes I did lose a stone without even thinking.It's the internal mind set that matters. The healthy 3 meals a day which keeps you happy. It's a mental health issue. Bad foods equals bad mental state for many women and bingeing. Go on any mental health web site - see promis eating guidelines or radiant recovery and they are all the same - each regular meals, cut out junk and white bread.

Most people my average height 5 foot 5 who are normal weight which by the way is about 8 - 10 stoneare not on ridiculous diets. OUr weight is within normal healthy limits and we eat loads of good foods. What we don't eat is a pack of biscuits or a whole cake or binge eat. (although some normal weight people are of course bulimic etc).

As for a partner's comments on weight that is often an issue of the relationship as a whole and depends how it is said.

I have always liked how I look an dI am so lucky that is so. I might in reality look like the back end of a bus but the fact I like it is really nice for me although when I had the various children I did out on weight and at times find it hard to lose.

Also exercise makes such a difference. I'm skiing all week with the 5 children. We are moving all day. I feel so much better for that although that's much harder to achieve at home

Dittany was just pointing out that not all slim women are on diets. I've never dieted. I am naturally slim but in no way skinny.

I think Xenia is correct. It's liking how you look that is so important. Someone who is obsessed with being a size zero might look at me and think I'm fat but I am happy with my size.

i dont agree dittany, i think it is a valid point and i can see what you mean but ime its not been like that. It is generally just an attitude - maybe us fatties make the slimmies feel uncomfortable or something. If i had a penny for the times i have been about slimmer friends moaning that they have put on a bit of weight, or must loose weight - when they are absolutely fine - i take it personally - its like, but can't you see that im twice your size FFS, and you mithering on about not fitting into your size 12 jeans is a tad insulting. Its like they are indirectly calling me a fat cow!

I think that we are taught to dislike fat people, because we see "beauty" on the TV all the time, in teen mags etc. Our parents moaning about us eating sweets, "don't eat that, you'll get FAT" like it is some sort of dirty word.

I also agree with xenia about healthy eating as opposed to dieting, ive only ever dieted once, was thouroughly miserable. I do however eat a very healthy vegetarian diet but haven't lost any weight - i need to exercise more - thats the key! I hardly any, if any at all processed foods and i feel healthier for it, but still the same weight - but my family are quite big. I think constantly dieting is extremely bad.

Some people are simply genetically "fat", that doesnt mean that they should just say, oh well its my genes so i will continue to eat like my friend who is a size ten and shovels burgers in like no tomorrow - its tough, you just have to recognise that if you eat too much you will put on weight, and that some people are lucky enough not to do this - they are genetically thin. lucky bleeders

christmaseve - you are right, you can be a size ten and be a 34DD, i know, i was that woman - but time, two children, gravity and my genes got the better of me - now im a 38FF - fucking fantastic!! size 18 arse though - hey ho

"I do think that the resentment/hatred against average or larger sized women in some part at least comes from people who are restricting their calories and are suffering because of it."

Yes, probably.

Now imagine the resentment/hatred the naturally slim get. When said tedious bores realise that you are just not interested in dieting techniques. That you eat whatever and whenever you like. That you are not commiting sins, or treating yourself when you have a biscuit with your cup of tea.

I have had them tell my DH I must be bullimic because I enjoy food and am a size 8. He tried to explain that it could not possibly be so and was told he was in denial about my eating disorder. I never binge eat, and never deny myself anything I want.

My DH read Paul McKenna's book, and it was interesting as it seemed to be addressing the psychological side and encouraging awarenness of fullness, eating consciously etc. The stuff I suspect that most naturally slim people do.

That's me size 10 and 34DD. Been accused a few times of having a boob job.