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Original poster

DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

388 replies

dmmum · 27/12/2009 16:09

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
dmmum · 28/12/2009 21:45

Hi I dont mind people knowing I am a size 16 - i have lost a stone in weight and have manages to work my way down from a size 22. DP looks at my family history of weight related issus and worries.

He did agree during our discussion that he needs to think about what he says and how he says it.

Also have decided I must do some stuff for me each week and that will help.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/12/2009 21:45

I'mso- sorry but you are wrong. You can change your shape if your shape is determined by a high fat ratio. If you lose some or turn it into muscle you will be a different shape.

Women are supposed to have waists and men don't- they are more straight up and down.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 21:45

dmmum - run away! lol Hope there were some constructive ideas in there somewhere!

ImSoNotTelling · 28/12/2009 21:49

My shape is determined by my shape. I know other women who are apple shaped. It is a well known shape

I have always been the same shape even when I was 7 stone, surely you are not saying that when I was a size 6/8 I had a high fat ratio? My waist would not have been 75% or 80% of my hips even then.

"Women are supposed to have waists and men don't- they are more straight up and down."

I also have met men who had quite "feminine" shapes, with big bottoms and smaller waists.

Are you really saying that these things are impossible? I thought they were pretty common.

ImSoNotTelling · 28/12/2009 21:59

the fact is that people who tend to store fat around their middles (men and "apple" shaped women - used to be known as women with "male distribution of fat") have higher incidence of heart disease and other things. This has been known for donkeys years.

There have been many articles in the press recently saying "apple women going to die scare shocker" and I like to ignore these as where you store fat is a fundamental part of your physiological makeup as an individual.

I also refuse to believe that a hugely obese pear shaped woman is going to be healthy simply because she has a low waist/hip ratio.

midori1999 · 28/12/2009 22:15

ImSoNotTelling, I am the same, I have no waist. When I weighed 7st I had no waist and now I am 13st and have no waist. In fact, I have even had a tumym tuck and lipo around my waist, and I STILL have no waist, so I defy anyone to say that is anything but my body shape...

AliGrylls · 28/12/2009 22:24

"Being anti-fattist and claiming that all overweight people are necessarily unhealthy is not pro-health."

You said that I was anti-fattist not me.

You have chosen one study to focus on which was quoted in the NY Times or whatever newspaper it was. The fact of the matter is that it is one study - for every one study which extolls the benefits of being fat there are twenty which state the problems associated with overweight / obesity. There is one hypothesis that the reason why there is less evidence about fat, fit people is because there are just so few people who are fat and fit.

If you were to look at the British Nutrition Foundation website or ANY reputable website you would see that they are anti-obesity because of the health problems associated with it and this has nothing to do with the media.

This is not an issue that has anything to do with feminism or the media, it is a broader problem to do with health and the effects it has upon the individual.

The reason why I have not chosen to focus on the overly thin is because they make up a much smaller portion of society. There are usually huge psychological issues if someone chooses to be that thin and the problems of being overweight tend to be much less complex.

I would say that you have chosen to re-package this issue as a feminist one when it is clearly not. There are as many fat men as there are fat women and they suffer from the same problems.

dittany · 28/12/2009 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 22:37

I'mso the fact is that people who tend to store fat around their middles (men and "apple" shaped women - used to be known as women with "male distribution of fat") have higher incidence of heart disease and other things

is this a quotation? it reads like one.

Well, carry on believing or nor believing what you want to. What on earth is wrong with you? You seem to want to dismiss all/most research just because it says something that goes against who you are or what your few friends look like. This research is based on thousands of people.

The evidence is there. Fat stored around the middle is dangerous as it is indicative of the fat that is stored deep inside the abdomen and round the heart. That is why fat stored on the hips and thighs is not QUITE so bad.

Olifin · 28/12/2009 22:39

I'mSoNotTelling; I'm with you on this one. I'm an apple shape too (as are most of the females on my Dad's side of the family). I'm a size 8-10; I exercise 3 or 4 times a week and have a healthy BMI but I still have hardly any waist and there's not much I can do about that!

As for life expectancy....my apple-shaped grandmother lived to the age of 86 which doesn't sound like premature death to me.

Pantofino · 28/12/2009 22:44

Hi dmmum! Glad you are feeling a bit brighter!

Well you may or may not have got some useful advice from this thread, depending on whether you were worried about your BMI index, or whether you are apple or pear shaped....Hopefully, if you weren't worrying about these things before, you still aren't.

As for me, I am going to have some more chocolate and a large baileys!

InMyLittleHead · 28/12/2009 22:44

Yes, dittany, I must have 'huge psychological issues' because I disagree with you.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 22:51

oh God, Olifin we all know the odd person who has smoked 50 a day, drank like a fish, was 5 stone overweight and lived to be 100.
This is about overall trends.

Itis not just about having no waist- that is being daft- it is about putting on weight around the middle and not so much elsewhere.

I am a size 10 but if I put weight on it goes straight to my waist, not my hips or bum. My maternal grandmother and my maternal uncle were the same and both had premature heart disease.

I know which advise I'll follow.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 22:52

advice, sorry.

dittany · 28/12/2009 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliGrylls · 28/12/2009 22:57

Dittany,

I think that you are confusing an NIH study with a flawed CDC study (I am not sure about the Japanese study and find it hard to take too seriously given the huge and radical change in Japanese diet over the last few years due to westernisation).

An NIH-AARP study using over 500,000 people over 10 years showed convincingly that mortality amongst overweight subjects (not obese, note) increased 20-40% compared to normal weighted subjects. The difference between the NIH-AARP study and the CDC study is that the CDC study looked at BMI aged 65 and the NIH-AARP study looked at BMI aged 50. The flaw is that a lot of the "normal" weighted people aged 65 are "normal" weighted due to losing weight because of disease process. Therefore the control is biased and thus flawed.

Being fat is not the same as being a different race or in some other way disabled. It is perfectly possible to lose weight. In addition, no-one enjoys lugging a couple of extra stone along on a long walk or pulling out of a fun activity because they are frightened their cardio vascular system will not cope. Fat is a problem and needs to be dealt with as such.

InMyLittleHead · 28/12/2009 23:00

Were you? My doctor was pretty much . He really didn't seem that bothered. He said, well you're not binging, purging, taking laxatives etc. you're having periods and it's not like your BMI is something stupid like 15. Did organ checks, bp, looked at my eyes, teeth, hair etc. and basically said you're fine.

Olifin · 28/12/2009 23:04

purplepeony I knew you wouldn't like my anecdotal 'evidence'

I thought you had been talking about hip/waist ratio etc?

If I gain weight, I also gain it around my middle and nowhere else. I am trying to maintain my weight to what I believe is healthy. But I still have some excess fat around my middle which, try as I might, I can't shift. If I eat less than I do now I will be in danger of becoming underweight. If I exercise any more than I am now I am in danger of seriously pissing off my OH. I don't know what else I can do about it, so if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

ImSoNotTelling · 29/12/2009 01:04

PP

"I'mso the fact is that people who tend to store fat around their middles (men and "apple" shaped women - used to be known as women with "male distribution of fat") have higher incidence of heart disease and other things

is this a quotation? it reads like one."

It is something that I wrote on this forum. I am not sure why you think it would be a quotation. Feel free to use it yourself if you like it.

Your point:

"Well, carry on believing or nor believing what you want to. What on earth is wrong with you? You seem to want to dismiss all/most research just because it says something that goes against who you are or what your few friends look like. This research is based on thousands of people.

The evidence is there. Fat stored around the middle is dangerous as it is indicative of the fat that is stored deep inside the abdomen and round the heart. That is why fat stored on the hips and thighs is not QUITE so bad."

I am not disagreeing with that. Not at all. I am saying, and have said that it is true. It has been true for years. It is not a new thing. In fact it is exactly what I said in my "quote".

My point is that while it is an interesting fact, and useful to some people, it is not very useful to other people, who whatever they do will not be able to alter their basic physical type. ie apple shaped women and men.

You say which "advice" you will follow. I do not take "it is healthier to be a pear shape" as advice, it is simply a fact. I assume when you speak of following advice you mean that you will try not to be an unhealthy weight, which of course is admirable.

If the advice is "be a pear shape not an apple shape", and as you asserted earlier shape can be changed by diet and exercise, presumably men should be encouraged to follow this advice too and aim for a nice pear shape, as exactly the same problem applies to them as to "straight up and down" women.

I can no more persuade my body to put any fat stores on my thighs instead of my stomach, or encourage my naturally slim hips to widen to achieve a "healthier" ratio, than I can through exercise and diet cause one of my arms to move part-way around my body.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/12/2009 01:09

"You seem to want to dismiss all/most research just because it says something that goes against who you are or what your few friends look like."

I missed that earlier. I have more than a few friends, and they do not all look alike

No need to be nasty.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 29/12/2009 11:46

"Dittany must be overweight - or a scientist.

Weight is such an issue in our society because it is well, such an issue! Obesity is an epidemic.

And yes, help is avaailable on the NHS for fatties- go see your GP and get help- they subsidise gym subscriptions etc etc for 3 months."

"I prefer not to carry excess weight even if it means I will die younger."

"Women are supposed to have waists and men don't- they are more straight up and down."

Says all I think you need to know about purplepeony! Staggering ignorance, offensive attitude and a personally unhealthy attitude towards maintaining a healthy weight - is this better than getting so fat you die prematurely pp? I think it is just the same. How dare you say dittany must be overweight?! No-one has gone around calling you anorexic!

ChippingIn · 29/12/2009 12:16

Curiosity - yeah - PP is a real charmer (and if you, PP, want to be pedantic, piss off to pedants corner, it is small minded and pathetic to pick on people on other threads).

PP is surpassed, however, by moondog who must be up for the 'MN Bitch of the Year Award' - smug cow, life must be so simple when you're so fucking perfect.

I'd rather be very obese than be her... any day.

dittany - nice to 'see' you. It's nice to have support from 'non fatties'. Thank you. It's typical that it was assumed you were 'fat' because you weren't joining in the fat bashing.

Oblomov · 29/12/2009 13:38

Funny that you are only allowed an opinion on being fat, if you are thin yourself
Nice to know I'm o.k. on this one then.
Not that I got any response to the points I made. Ho-hum.

PP, like others have said, I know more unhealthy thin people with an unhealthy attitude to food, re "oh god I can't have that ... one more piece of lettuce case it means I can't fit in dress" tye shit, than I do unhealthy fatties.
Must go. Off to eat, a huge plate of home made lasagne and a huge bowl of home made trifle.
I bought a size 10 dress the other day. Stupid really becasue I have a lovely hour glass figure that has never been a size 10 and doesn't want to.
But I guess the shops are now pressurised into making us all feel better.
I think thta is the same thing as what is being discussed here.

lemonmuffin · 29/12/2009 15:44

I think you're wrong about moondog, chippingin.

I tend to agree with her posts, she doesn't pussyfoot around with euphemisms and faux sympathy, she tells it like it is and I reckon a lot of people will be thinking what she's thinking

ShinyAndNew · 29/12/2009 15:52

I haven't read much of the thread. But some of Dittany's points jumped out at me. There was a news report on my local news a few days before xmas stating that while childrens weight levels were increasing, it was their fitness we need to be more worried about.

It was also pointed out that you can be a normal weight and be unfit, and you can be overweight but relatively fit if you are active.

When I was young I went to a particularly hard aerobics class, with three of my friends. I was a tiny size 10, another friend a more healthy size 12, one a 16 and the other 22. I was the first one sat in a sweaty heap in the corner gasping for air. My size 22 friend not only finished the class, but then walked home afterwards and was still able to talk She was the only one who was able to.