DP and his attitude to food and me in general!

[dmmum]

At my mums over xmas, lovely, can relax eat food not do too much.

First I am overweight not grossly but 2 kids n PN depression,not the best mix to be a size 8!

He watches everything I eat, making little comments or just looks! So when he goes for a nap/out alone/or with kids I over compensate and then hate myself.

Both of us get to lay in coz parents get up with the kids. But if I get up later than him I get sarky comments, I dont say anything to him if other way round.

Also am p'd off that he gives loads of attetion and affection to DS's but i barely get anything - except a nudge in the back in the morning - you know what I mean!

Am just so fed up, been together for nearly 20 years and keep thinking do I want to spend next 20 like this - he wasnt always like this.

Sorry a very long rant but needed to get it off my chest.

It is interesting though isn't it Pantofino that a thread which started about someone trying to control what an adult puts into their body has continued to be about what adults should be told they are allowed to do with their bodies.

If there is one thing I don't like about Mumsnet it is the hatred many people seem to have towards people who are fat. It runs really deep.

I've been lurking on this thread for a while.

IMLH - you seem quite bitter that you didn't get the response you wanted on your thread. You've rehashed it several times now. And it's difficult for people to comment as we don't know all the facts. But would you prefer that the MN jury declared your DH controlling? That's a serious question.

Because this thread is about control rather than calories.

I was just pointing out the double standards that it brought up. I think it reveals prejudice. People don't know all the facts about this OP either, but it hasn't stopped them making a judgement that he is controlling.

InMyLittleHead - I do think you make some good points. There is a double standard: I think that if you are a very thin woman and you are openly happy about it, you are likely to either be written off as a smug bitch, or assumed to have an eating disorder. If you claim to be happy to be overweight, I think that fewer people would challenge you openly. They might be thinking "yeah, right," but I think that they'd be less likely to say it out loud. So it does seem like the choice to be thin garners less respect than the choice to be heavier.

Of course, all of this happens against the background of the constantly-reiterated message that thin=good and fat=bad. I think that we as a society do have some very weird and conflicted views of body shape/size.

you didn't answer my question. i am genuinely interested to know what is was you nwanted people to say to you.

and one fact that is missing from this OP as opposed to yours is the OP's BMI.

Although IMO it's disgraceful that she's even been asked her BMI.

You on the other hand, apparently posted an underweight BMI, so you got comments on that.

And in case you haven't noticed, while a few people have said the OP's DH is controlling, MANY have bleeted on about her allegedly being overweight.

I do agree with Morloth about the deep hatred some people have towards fat people. II witnessed someone having a big anti-fat people rant in the middle of a party last week. I may post about it in Chat because I was quite shocked at the level of contempt.

The OP hasn't been back because she said she was going on a date with her DH and was going to report back. This thread has gone so wildly off-piste now, she's probably a) still reading her way through the pages of ranting that have ensued or b) given up and buggered off.

I hope she's OK. She sounded quite miserable.

Hi Dittany, as someone who has a degree in nutrition I feel I am in a position to respond to the point that you seem to be making which is that overweight does not equal an increased risk of metabolic illnesses or other associated illnesses.

It is an established fact that the heavier a person is, over BMI 25 (and I am talking about non-athletes), the more at risk you will be of metabolic diseases and other illnesses associated with being overweight. This risk is only slightly increased in people who are overweight but with a BMI greater than 30 the risk is exponential.

Also it is not just one group of illnesses that a person is making themself vulnerable too. In overweight people there is greater risk of heart disease and osteoarthritis. Osteoarthritis affects mobility and in itself will make a person less healthy.

Also people who are overweight and obese tend to have lower self esteem - you can ask yourself the question which came first, the chicken or the egg. However, if you look at people who are normal weighted (as defined by BMI) they do tend to be happier.

dingdong, I don't generally ask questions if I already know the answer. My questions was really about whether my BMI might be responsible for erratic periods. Some people said, yeah could be, some people wanted to check it wasn't an eating disorder, some people said nah my BMI's the same I'm fine. Some people said, see a doctor and check.

I don't think I've read everything on this thread, but I never said 'you are overweight' - how could I possibly know? I mostly said that he isn't being helpful and about food having emotional links. I think the thread turned into an off-piste hypothetical discussion, not directed at the OP herself.

"Also people who are overweight and obese tend to have lower self esteem - you can ask yourself the question which came first, the chicken or the egg. However, if you look at people who are normal weighted (as defined by BMI) they do tend to be happier."

I think the answer as to why that may be can be found with a quick glance through this thread. Overweight people do not exist in a vacuum- society's attitude to overweight people has to be a factor when measuring subjects' self esteem.

Sorry Fairycake but I do not agree that the choice to be thin is looked upon less favourably than the choice to be fat. Fat people are seen as out of control, lazy, stupid, low class, etc etc. Thin women are admired for their self control and denial of crap junk food.

I have been thin and I have been fatter (I do not use the word "fat" because I don't think I am!). Given the choice, I prefer to be thinner not least of all because I bow down to society pressures and it is easier to look good in clothes!!

Being fat is not generally about choice. Women and men become fat often because of poor lifestyle choices and sometimes emotional issues (binge eating)- I doubt someone would choose to be obese! But it is perfectly possible to be overweight (whatever that means) and and be happy, attractive and OK with it and indeed for your partner to still find you madly attractive.

I think we have to define here what people mean by fat. I know women who would slit their wrists rather than be a size 12 and other women who would be very happy with being a size 16 - 18.

tethers - I'm not sure who made the point you quote but I agree with your observation. Also, is it not possibly the case that if you looked at people at the opposite end of the spectrum - ie people with extremely low BMIs - they too tend to be less happy and have lower self esteem? Just anecdata really, but the 2 times I have been extremely thin were the 2 times in my life when I was incredibly unhappy.

Do we even know how much the Op weighs? Maybe she was a size 8 and has gone up to a size 12? She certainly might not be obese! Everyone seems to have assumed that could be the only reason the dh would want to watch her calorie intake. Maybe her dh likes her skinny? Maybe he considers anything fatter than Cheryl Cole to be a cause for concern.

I don't know. I might have missed the post where she said she was size 24. The point is that we should have been getting to the bottom of a few points:

When she says overweight, what does she mean by this? There is a key difference between putting on a few pounds after childbirth and getting huge.

What are the issues about the lie ins. Who works? Do they take in turns?

He doesn't show her affection. Just gives her a "poke in the back" presumably when he wants some.

IMLH - I wouldn't dream of suggesting you'd ask questions if you already know the answer. But I thought your thread was an AIBU about your DH's opinion WRT you being too thin based on what you said above). There isn't a right answer sometimes. And people often post on here wanting validation. (How many times have people asked AIBU only to get arsey when told well actually, you are?)

I do think though that people's hatred for fat people is far stronger than any dislike/distate/jealousy they may feel for very thin people.

Tryharder - I completely agree and I was being particularly inarticulate in my previous post.

I know that being fat is rarely a choice - I certainly did not choose to put on weight during my 2 "heavier" phases, and I did not have the option of simply "choosing" to lose, it either. I didn't mean, in my previous post, that people literally choose how much they want to weigh: I know it's not that simple.

What I meant was that in my experience, if a very thin woman expresses satisfaction with her size - ie implying that it is a conscious choice - it seems to be more acceptable to make disparaging comments to her face than it would be if she was expressing satisfaction with her body and she was "fat." This is on my own experience, I should stress. Perhaps I am simply fortunate enough to know people who are just too polite to make ugly comments to overweight people!

And this: "it is perfectly possible to be overweight (whatever that means) and and be happy, attractive and OK with it and indeed for your partner to still find you madly attractive" is, again, something I agree with. It's taken me a while to get there, to my shame, but I know that it is true.

"Also people who are overweight and obese tend to have lower self esteem - you can ask yourself the question which came first, the chicken or the egg. However, if you look at people who are normal weighted (as defined by BMI) they do tend to be happier."
Well, thats a load of TOSH isn't it.
Loads women I know are paranoid about weight, was it morloth who said, that they TREAT themselves to a biscuit. obsessing about whether they look good, can get into that dress.
So very very sad. I hate all that. Never partake of all that nonsesnse , never discuss all that rubbish with any woman.
Eat what I want when I want. Not skinny. Not fat.
My husband is obese. He eats less than I do. I swear its true. He is obese, happy, cycles to work. We both love food. do not binge or have emotional issues. I dish up the same portion of lasagne to him as I do myself.

This thterad, and peoples attitudes to being fat are quite frightening.

thanks for those links dittany.

I agree with you and undertone about the anti fattism towards women especially and I wouldmt agree that being underweight is a healthier option - that carries its own risks especially if its caused by dieting / restricted diet rather than that being the result of the persons natural build.

i think its interesting that the article suggested overweight people lived longer but were associated with higher medical costs. That tends to explain the medical focus on bmi and overweight prevention rather than just focus on the morbidly obese.

I also think that the obsession with thinness is a relatively new phenonemon fuelled by the media (tv specifically) and facilitated by womens magazines and the cosmetic / diet industry. The average catwalk model in the 40's was size 12. The fashion industry began to want smaller models to fit into sample sizes. Film producers tend to go for underweight women who look good on screen but in real life look emaciated.

The issue their is that diet and body image are being used to control women which brings me nicely back to the ops situation which as others have said seemed to be less about health and more about control. Again if people are encouraged to permanently think about how they look their self esteem is going to be low.

I know for a fact that people who are overweight tend to have lower self esteem.

If your society was as anti-fattist as you make it out to be then the influence could easily be societal.

There is also the abstract of this study which has states that self esteem improved as the participants lost weight. www.ajcn.org/cgi/content/abstract/55/2/524S?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&fulltext =self+esteem+obesity&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&sortspec=relevance&resourcetype=HWCIT. The study comes from the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition which is a reputable journal.

Are we so sure that the OP is not in clinical terms obese? I am 5 ft 4 and when I was obese I was a size 16. It does not sound that much but it is easy for people nowadays to think that they are merely a little overweight when they are clinically obese.

The point everyone is missing is that many people move up and down in their weight over the course of their lifetimes, really these judgements about the health of others are pretty meaningless since a person could spend time in all the BMI brackets over the course of their lives. Have the studies really differentiated between what weight is bad over what period of time? I think if you eat well and exercise you can't go far wrong if this lifestyle leads you to size 8 or 18 it matters not!

""I also think that the obsession with thinness is a relatively new phenonemon fuelled by the media (tv specifically) and facilitated by womens magazines and the cosmetic / diet industry""

Have we forgotten about the Victorians who just had to have 18 inch waists strapped by corsets?

the op is a size 8

now, whether clothes sizes have gone up over the years, whether she is 4ft.5 or 6ft.7...

shes a size 8

even at 4ft5 - thats still not fat.

even if a size 8 today - was a size 12 in 1932

it's still deffo - not fat.

has anyone actually read the OP?

she is a size 8 - and her partner passively aggressively controlls her eating habits " for her health"

I have qualified my point that the influence could be societal and I am sure that society does play some part in it.

However, there is pride to be taken when a person who is obese loses a lot of weight through the old fashioned method of more exercise and eating a bit less.

Also, a person will have so much more energy and find it easier to do day-to-day activities than before because believe it or not, it is harder work to carry around excess weight.

There are other factors which come into play - exercising increases endorphins which make you happy; there is the vanity factor that you like what you see in the mirror; and also that you may feel less self conscious.

I am not talking about being skeletal thin, what I am talking is being a healthy weight.

I would like to ask you what is wrong with being pro-health?