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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potential fraud?

411 replies

DontKnowWhatToDoNext · 22/12/2009 14:30

I am prepared to be flamed so go ahead but WWYD in my situation?

In brief - DH and I split up last year. 6 months ago, I lost my job due to depression and have since started getting better, have been living on benefits since then with DH paying maintenance for our 3 DCs. I have been desperately trying to get another job but my sickness record at my last job has gone against me. Last month, I was given notice to quit my rented house because the landlord wants to sell - runs out end of Jan.

Over the last few months DH and I have been giving our relationship another go and fell into bed last month (definitely not planned) and I have just found out I'm pregnant which was not supposed to happen . We have discussed it at length and want to get back together (we split up because we have been through a lot of shit over the last few years and blamed each other and basically were hating each other all the time). Time apart has helped sort that out and he has been round almost everyday to see the kids so they have not been that badly affected.

Now I had been to the council (before I found out about the pregnancy) and told them that I am about to be made homeless and they basically said that I would have to find another private rent or they would put me in a B&B.

Now bad as this sounds, I want to try for a council house (even if it means a B&B for a few months as the rents are so high in this area (1000 for a passable 3 bed and now I will need a 4 bed which will be about 1200) so do not intend to get back with DH 'officially' until this happens. DH works but only brings in about 1800 a month and we will never be able to live on his wage in private rented especially as I won't be able to work with a baby and I can't stand the insecurity of having to move all the time (we have moved 3 times in the last 3 years). I am also bankrupt and will not be able to private rent unless I have a guarantor which I don't! Part of the reason for the problems with DH and I were financial as we lost everything (including our own home) when his business went under a few years back. He will also have to go bankrupt soon as his debts have been hanging around and with another child to pay for, he will not be able to pay them.

DH has his own flat and is not actually living with me so AIBU and a total scumbag to try and get a council house as a single parent??

OP posts:
Kaloki · 22/12/2009 17:39

Simple question. OP do you intend to move you DH in once you have got your house which you claimed for as a single parent?

If so then yes YADBU!

pacinofan · 22/12/2009 17:42

Avoiding the truth is never a good idea, so yes, YABU. Your dh's income sounds quite reasonable imo, just rent what you can afford, plenty others do.

Congratulations on you getting back together - hope all works out but honestly, think you may sleep easier at night by being completely honest with the council about your new set of circumstances.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2009 17:43

to be fair, gerbil is trying to play devil's advocate here

someone has to, other than marantha (who is a loon)

and the OP doesn't actually sound like a horrid person, she has a point in some ways, especially if she has experience of a culture of "fuck you Jack, as long as I'm alright..."

if you look around you, and seeing people cheat the state (read honest taxpayers a l The Daily Mail..) left, right and centre, who can blame someone for thinking "I want me some of that..."

overweightnoverdrawn · 22/12/2009 17:43

just out of interest does your dh stay with you several nights a week . I see you say he visits the kids every day but him staying over at your rented house might cause problems for you . I dont know what the rules are does anybody else know ?

CardyMow · 22/12/2009 17:44

In my area, you would NOT get a 4 bed, unless you have over 6 children. I know, and have been there before(with an ex-p who had 2 DC's with him, we couldn't afford to live together, split us up in the end). Also, B&B is dire awful evil, did a year of it after my ex-P left me when my DD was 4 and I was pg with DS. A single bed in a B&B full of junkies (there were needles left in the toilets) with no cooker and having to be out all day every day whilst pg and having a child is just plain MENTAL to want to do. And OP, YABVVU if you think that £1800 PCM is not enough to support a family in the south east, in my last job, I was a single parent and was paying everything from my £1000 PCM wages+Tax Credits. Do you eat caviar for breakfast or something?? Right now my 11 yo DD is in a bedroom 5ftx9ft whilst we are on the housing list for a full size 3 bed house, I'm in what's classed as a 2.5 bed ATM, her room is classed as unsuitable for a child over 10, but the other 2 rooms are only 10ftx11ft and 11ftx11ft. I've been on the housing list since her 10th B'day, that's 22 months now, and I'm currently 99th on the list. WE MAKE DO!!

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 17:45

'although we'd all hope that the DH/whatever is man enough to step up to the plate and fund the DCs he's fathered, we don't know that he will'

According to the OP, he's going to apply for bankrupcy because he has all these debts hanging round and he has another child to pay for.

He's already paying maintenance for the other 3.

If you're in a council where demand is so high they're putting families in B&Bs, and you think they're going to hand you a nice, new build 4 bed house in a nice area, well, you're probably going to get what is coming.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 17:47

'A single bed in a B&B full of junkies (there were needles left in the toilets) with no cooker and having to be out all day every day whilst pg and having a child is just plain MENTAL to want to do.'

Yep, sounds like what SIL went through, which I posted about way down the thread.

Then she got put in a temp flat FULL of damp on a dire estate in a building that's condemned.

She's still there, too, with her two kids.

GerbilMeasles · 22/12/2009 17:53

Yes, am being kind, tis the season after all, and if I come on here to vent all my kindness, I can carry on being a total cow in real life .

I think OP is possibly deluded in thinking that she'll be handed a nice new house on a plate (has obviously been reading too much DM on life of riley being lived by benefitscum scroungers or whatever the abusive term de jour is). I suspect that she may also be deluded in thinking that DH may be of much help - she hasn't said that he's volunteered to help out with the housing problem, and if he's prepared to see his DCs (and DW) living in B&B instead of saying "look, I earn a decent wage, let's just all rent something affordable" then, well, it's a bit of a pity isn't it?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2009 17:56

yes, it is a pity

and the OP sounds a bit fucking stuffed, tbh

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 17:58

Excepting extremely extenuating circumstances, most people are as stuffed as they make themselves.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2009 18:05

am with you on that

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/12/2009 18:06

OP you have NO idea ! I have 4 DC's and me and DH work all hours to pay bills etc etc. We have a 4 bedroom house which has a walloping mortgage that we pay for. When we have financial problems we have to sort them out ourselves and despite the fact that I lost my job last year have just had to learn to budget. I understand you are having a hard time but for pity's sake grow up and take some responsibility for your actions. Do you really want to teach your children that when things get tough just bail out and cheat the system? Maranatha you are a complete and utter basket case

Original poster
DontKnowWhatToDoNext · 22/12/2009 18:29

Can I just add to those of you making comments about my mental health due to me mentioning that I lost my job because of depression, and stating that I should not be having a baby in my mental state , err, I was depressed as my marriage had broken down, I had lost all we'd worked for, including our home which we had to sell at a loss, and had just made myself bankrupt and felt absolutely bloody humiliated. DH and I should both have gone bankrupt together but he was in denial while I got on with it which did not help our relationship!

I think I'd have been a bit bloody mad if I had'nt been depressed. I was signed off by my GP and because I did not want to go back to the job environment I was in (everybody bubbly and wanting to know all your business), I resigned by mutual agreement. I have since taken steps (with counselling) to come to terms with all the crap (and the loss of my daughter 8 years ago which was long overdue and probably contributed to my mini breakdown). I think if you are saying that you should not be getting pregnant if you're depressed then a bloody lot more women would be getting abortions .

I am very happy to be pregnant and am much better now thank you! Yes, my DH has always stood up to the plate for his children. He would have been back a long time ago if I had let him. Also I had sex with my DH (after a year of celibacy and it was damn good) just the once two weeks before I got served notice with my tenancy. He is not happy with me wanting to get a council house but agrees that I should at least try it.

At the end of the day, no one has convinced it's fraud. It's just immoral so thank god I'm not the religious type and I don't really care what weirdos on the internet think of me. Also how do you know that 'the single parent who needs a council house more than me' is'nt pulling the same one ?

Thank you Marantha.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2009 18:32

well, OP I wish you luck and hope it works out for you

I fail to see whay you asked the question though, as you had already made your mind up

madusa · 22/12/2009 18:35

OP you're so delusional if you think that by having a 4th child, you're entitled to a brand new, 4 bed house.

My sister workes part time, her DH works full time and they live in a 3 bed house with their 6 children

g18
b17
b16
g15
g9
b6

the 2 older boys shera a tiny room and the youngest boy shares with his sisters - 2 of which are teens and should be having a bit of privacy.

My sister has been waiting for several years for a 4 bed house but there aren't enough to go around.

They earn about £1000 a month but they make do because they have to

daisydora · 22/12/2009 18:37

OP if you don't care for anyone's opinion why bother posting

Good luck with the pg though, I hope everything works out for you.

Kaloki · 22/12/2009 18:37

"Can I just add to those of you making comments about my mental health due to me mentioning that I lost my job because of depression, and stating that I should not be having a baby in my mental state"

That I totally disagree with, you have my full support on that. Depression is a horrible thing and if you ever need to talk about it I'm always online.

But I do still want to know if you intend for your DH to move in once you've got the place? Your OP didn't make that clear.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 18:40

She's going to need a lot of that, AnyFucker, to go and take 3 kids to live in a B&B for the homeless.

purplepeony · 22/12/2009 18:42

At the end of the day, no one has convinced it's fraud. It's just immoral so thank god I'm not the religious type and I don't really care what weirdos on the internet think of me. Also how do you know that 'the single parent who needs a council house more than me' is'nt pulling the same one

Morality has nothing to do with religion for many people - it's your moral code- and yours is missing.

Why did you ask?

If you think we are all weirdos because we cannot condone a premeditated attempt to get something that legally you shouldn't get, then you shouldn't put your head above the parapet- you did say you would get flamed, so you knew what to expect.

You haven't gone anywhere near attempting to answer the one question that everyone has asked- are you and your DH intending to live in the same (council) house once/if you get it?

You are wanting to differentiate between morality and legality. I'd say that what you are really doing is asking if you are going to be found out. The answer is possibly yes, possibly no. You never know who knows you, who reads this, and who puts 2 and 2 together.

If you can live with your conscience, good on you girl- I couldn't.

GypsyMoth · 22/12/2009 18:49

i'm in social housing,with 5 dc and myself....a 3 bed.

i was in a hostel for a year before i got this....in a hostel you are classed as homeless,so become priority....this is the quickest way to get re-housed.

ib can bid for a 4 bed now....am eligible,so bid fortnightly for 4 beds in area i registered for.

op,do you have the bidding system? any idea which band you are in and how many points you'll have. you will have been told this already

we have alot of 4 and 5 bed properties here due to 2 new housing estates being built....that may be why op has been told she will get a 4 bed....a new development perhaps?

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 18:50

'If you can live with your conscience, good on you girl- I couldn't.'

If you can live pregnant and with your three young kids in a B&B for the homeless, well, there you go.

GerbilMeasles · 22/12/2009 18:59

OP, can't see that anyone here has questioned your mental state or flamed you for being depressed - unless you're reading a different thread to me.

Very glad to hear that you're happy about the pregnancy, and feeling much better and that your DH is definitely wanting to get back together with you. Puts a whole new spin on it. He can rent a house for you all. In view of that, YABVU to put you and your DCs though having to live in B&B and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves to consider exposing your DCs to that sort of life unless you've absolutely no alternative.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatToDoNext · 22/12/2009 19:04

I should imagine I will chicken out of the BB and move in with my parents if it came to that. I am not that mad.

My council allows a bedroom for each child and I am not mistaken as it is very clearly stated in it's housing policy. I doubt I would get a 4 bed as there are not many but that is what I would be ALLOCATED. I would have to accept a 3 bed I should imagine. I never said I was ENTITLED to a brand new house at all . I said that I am hoping to get what my cousin has but in reality that probably won't happen. Thing is the LHA which sets what they pay in housing benefit would only pay out for a 3 bed even with 4 kids for obviously it is in my interests to try for social housing. If others are prepared to accept living in a 2 bed with 5 kids that's their problem. IMHO if you don't try, you don't get and I won't feel bad about it. I don't want to get 3 years down the line, having had to move another 6 times and think 'shit why did'nt I take that chance?'.

DH may well move in depending on how things are going. AND?? In the same way, I could get together with another man straight after and he could move in (v. unlikely but who knows what will happen in 6 months time)!

OP posts:
Original poster
DontKnowWhatToDoNext · 22/12/2009 19:12

Gerbil - purplepeony's post of 15.53 and another that I can't find now.

OP posts:
MollieO · 22/12/2009 19:14

I don't understand why you won't be able to work with a baby. Plenty of people do. That will boost your income. Pretending to be in a situation that you aren't is fraudulent. Why can't you live with your husband? I assume he is renting so why can't he rent somewhere more suitable?

Sounds to me as if you have already made up your mind to commmit fraud so not sure why you have posted this .