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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
KitKatQueensSpeech · 21/12/2009 10:08

omg does this mean at some point in the future I will have to do a party AND a sleepover?????

Whats wrong with just a party???

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 10:10

Just invite the numbers of children that you could manage to for the party and a sleep over, if thats 3 or 15 so be it. Or why have a party and sleepover, just have a small party, than another time, have a sleepover with less children, that way nobody gets left out.

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 21/12/2009 10:11

The OP said "ice skating/cinema/climbing party" ie a party out of the house so the majority of parents would come and pick up the majority of children at the end of the party and a couple would go home with the birthday child. There was no mention in the OP about telling a child to go home mid game whilst everyone else stayed on.

Inviting a handful of children to your house and telling one or two to leave in the middle of a game is hardly the same as inviting quite a few to a structured party at a venue and one or two going home with the birthday childs parents afterwards.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 10:12

Hi ya KitKat Come on, you know you are dying to have a sleep over for the kids!!

(Hijack alert... how is your friend & more importantly, how are her kids? I think of you & them often).

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 10:12

I agree kitkat do i have to do a party and sleepover . i will defy convention and just do small parties and no sleepover, if i do it would be on a seperate occasion with just 2 children (excluding dd)

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 10:16

I wouldn't do it-mainly because I don't like sleepovers and particularly after a party when they are excited, and I would never have more than one friend at a time.
However I am not missing the point-deliberately or on purpose! I am not slow on the uptake I UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD YOU HAVE SAID!
People will have 2 tier parties-they always have and they always will. It isn't a question of sending a DC home half way through! They are invited to a,probably, thoroughly nice party and they go home. A couple of special friends stay on for the night. Would it make people feel better if they went home for half an hour and went back? The DCs will know who the special friends are so it won't bother them. (It would be mean and unkind if more than a couple were chosen but 2 out of an entire party is fine). Are we supposed to pretend that people don't have special friends? When I told my DS he could take 2 friends out for the day -because it is all I can fit in the car-is that mean and should we all stay at home bacause we can't mange friend 3 or 4? Should a bride not be able to have a friend as bridesmaid because other friends don't want to be overlooked and they thought they were best friend. I didn't have a 2 tier do at my wedding-I just didn't have an evening do and so a lot of people got missed off altogether -was this better than inviting some later?

'Some of us think it is hurtful to the children who are sent home and wouldn't allow our children to do this. Not one of us is complaining that this has happened to our children, we have all said it is something we would not do ourselves. Do try to read what is being written and stop putting your own slant on what has been said - it's getting very tedious.'

At the risk of being tedious- I wouldn't hold a 2 tier party, but since it wouldn't bother me, or my DCs, I think that we should accept that everyone is different and if our DCs are hurt (which I doubt)then we help them over it rather than rant about rude people! Life isn't fair-DCs need the resilience to cope with it and it is the parent's job to help them.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 10:17

We have only had a sleepover for relatives, 7 is way too young!

OP posts:
diddl · 21/12/2009 10:26

I´m so glad not to be in UK.

Whole class parties aren´t done here.-it would be thought of as showing off tbh.

Who on earth invites children that your own child doesn´t really like/isn´t bothered about?

Fibilou · 21/12/2009 10:27

So why are you bothered if you think your DC is too young anyway ?

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 10:30

I agree Pisces that is why i would do a sleepover at a seperate occasion for a couple of good friends of dd and a party on the birthday. At the moment she does not really have any, just a coupld of friends from mums and tots. She does not like playing really with other children at the moment hopefully once she is older things will change, she is still only a toddler. Sometimes the parents feel it more than the child really.

diddl · 21/12/2009 10:41

OP, so you wouldn´t have let your child sleep over anyway as he is too young?

Original poster
MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 10:44

Jesus Christ, this thread was not about my ds.....is that too hard for everyone to understand?

OP posts:
spicemonster · 21/12/2009 10:46

FGS some of you are getting your knickers in a right twist about this. Still it's been highly enlightening to find out that there are so many people who would rather not be invited to my (hypothetical) wedding at all if they can't be squeezed into the actual ceremony. What a cost saving for the happy couple!

I had no idea that so many people were so absurdly sensitive.

carocaro · 21/12/2009 10:53

YAB totally U

Most of the time it's down to cost and space, people simply can't afford or don't have the space at home to invite the whole class.

DS1 is 7 and totally understands this, it's no big deal, he appreciates that he can't have everyone to his party and he can't go to every party, as do most of the kids in his class.

He went to a party on Saturday where there were ten from his class and had a great time. The week before the twins in his class had a party at a local bird centre and 10 kids went, not him, and he was totally fine about it.

Your Bridezilla comment about disregarding children's feelings is total nonsense, it's not done in that way, you are totally over reacting and over thinking it in the wrong context.

You are setting your kids up to be disappointed if they don't get included in absolutely everything, there are parties/events galore when they are young and life does not work that way.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 10:57

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

THIS DEBATE IS NOT ABOUT INVITING THE WHOLE CLASS TO A PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FGS Can some people not READ!

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 11:01

I would be very cross with my DCs if they were invited to a birthday party and then kicked up a fuss because they found that there was an extra that they weren't invited to. I would call them rude!
I prefer people to be open, and if a couple of special friends are staying over I am quite happy to be told-I would think it rude if friends appeared to go home and then popped back in secret so that people's feelings weren't upset-I would call it devious and not something I would want my DCs to be party to.
You keep saying that it isn't about your DC ,MsDoctor-you started by saying that he wasn't bothered! I don't believe the DCs are-only the parents who want their DC to be the most popular DC in the class!

StewieGriffinsMom · 21/12/2009 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 11:12

My further posts will be in Mandarin, perhaps they will be able to understand that better!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 21/12/2009 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 11:30

Yes spicemonster i would rather the people who invite enjoy ALL of my wedding not just the end bit, the ceremony imo is the important bit, and to just be invited to the evening and not that . With our wedding i just invited the people that mattered, family and close friends and some work collegues that i really get on with, not everone and his dog.

ImSoNotTelling · 21/12/2009 12:11

I mentioned earlier that on my birthday in the past i have had a meal with some friends, then arranged to meet everyone else in the pub afterwards.

This is (obviously) a two tier thing and it never even crossed my mind it might be a terrible thing to do.

Would people really be upset about someone doing that? To the extent that they would rather not be invited at all/or that I didn't have a meal on my birthday so as to make it fair for everyone?

lovechoc · 21/12/2009 12:15

ISNT, loads of adults do this when it's their birthday.

I can't get this 'all or nothing' approach the OP is banging on about.

spicemonster · 21/12/2009 12:16

I had no idea that people would be offended if they were invited just to the evening bit! Honestly, really has never crossed my mind. I have been invited to the evening bit of lots of weddings - it's either that or don't go at all a lot of the time and I'd rather be there to share some of the day than none of it.

I have a huge circle of friends and there is no way they'd all be able to come to the ceremony. But that doesn't mean I would like to see them at all. Actually I think most of them would be more hurt to be excluded entirely

TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 21/12/2009 12:16

I think the whole class should be invited otherwise it's not fair.

TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 21/12/2009 12:17

And all weddings should include children.