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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
deaddei · 20/12/2009 20:18

"The objection comes from two tier not from having a small party, which this was anyway..with only 10 children including the birthday boy."
...a small party- 10 children?

God knows what you think of me- there were only 13 at my wedding including us- in hindsight that was 11 too many.

op-are you planning of raising the issue with the parents who held the party, to discuss "the willful encouragement of parents in their children's selfishness, inconsideration and thoughtlessness. More about the child having the two tier party and what it says about that child and what example the parents set."

Mmm, thought not.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 20/12/2009 20:29

lilackaty NO you're wrong...the children were not collected and then some went back.

deaddei Yes, I have no self censorship in real life and thought as soon as I saw the parents I would complain. Obviously you never talk about other people's behaviour to anyone and never complain about a living soul to anyone else either? This is MN, not RL.

OP posts:
muminthemiddle · 21/12/2009 00:28

I think it depends upon the numbers like others have said EG 4 children invited to a party and 3 invited to stay=very bad manners.
12 children invited and 3 invited to stay =acceptable.

I also think it is important to be mindful of others feelings.

As for the wedding thing we did this. We had a (relatively) small wedding which was paid for entirely by myself and dh. immedaite family and very close friends were invited to the whole day. Everyone else was invited to the evening do.
It must be very nice to have someonepay/be able to afford to invite everyone to the entire day but unfortunately we couldn't afford it.
I have never felt offended if someone invited me to thier evening celebration, after all we aren't all millionnaires.

HarrietTheSpy · 21/12/2009 03:47

(Who ON EARTH would be crazy enough to have a childrens' party followed up by a sleepover party the same night?)

And yes, it's very rude and a classic example of 'what works for me is the only thing that matters' sort of thinking to have a two tiered event which excludes some of the kids. Have one of the events another day.

Adults who don't recognise this sort of basic politeness are a nuisance. Please don't teach your kids to behave like this.

(And yes, I do HATE evening do only invites. Especially when they come with a gift list.)

HarrietTheSpy · 21/12/2009 03:50

...Unless the wedding is family only, like mum in the middle. That I can see... Not so nice when you're one of a handful couples coming for the 'evening only' party and everyone else's dinner dishes are still on their table. It's like...what should we do now? Wait in the hallway until we're welcome?

HarrietTheSpy · 21/12/2009 05:25

Regarding the ante natal group thing (15 not full 25)...yabu though. I can't imagine trying to co-ordinate that many adults schedules.

Spacehoppa · 21/12/2009 05:43

Only get as many kids over as you can sensibly house. No way am I trying this with a 3yo!

welliemum · 21/12/2009 06:54

While I wouldn't lose sleep over it, I think there's real potential for hurt in a 2-tier children's party.

-"I've come to take you home, Jamie"

  • "But Muuuum, we're in the middle of this game"
  • "I know, but it's home time, the party's over"
  • "So why aren't Jack and Alex and Tom going home?"
  • "Well,....

.... and in fact, what would you say? It's a pretty uncomfortable conversation. I don't think it's at all kind to put either the child or the mum in that position.

I think children are very matter-of-fact, mostly, in accepting that they can't be everyone's best friends and can't go to every party. Which is just as well since you can't invite the whole world to every party.

But sending a child away from a party they're already at seems very odd to me. I can imagine that some children would be fine with it but there's huge potential for it to be hurtful.

Fibilou · 21/12/2009 08:23

Are all these children made out of cotton wool that they need continual protection from their feelings being hurt ? I routinely went to parties where the birthday girl's (I went to a single sex school) close friends stayed over. It was perfectly normal and accepted - and we all got our fair shair of post-party sleepovers as we all had our own little groups of friends.

Furthermore why does it need to be pointed out that one child is going home earlier than another ? Surely the simple answer to "jamie" is - their Mums aren't here yet ?

I think you are crediting children with far too little understanding of life.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 08:26

I really fear for some of your DCs later in life! They have to learn to cope with disappointment. Children are very matter of fact and they don't have a problem with it.

'-"I've come to take you home, Jamie"

  • "But Muuuum, we're in the middle of this game"
  • "I know, but it's home time, the party's over"
  • "So why aren't Jack and Alex and Tom going home?"
  • "Well,....

It isn't the least uncomfortable (it would only be uncomfortable if 2 DC were going and the rest staying). You just say 'thank Josh's mummy for a lovely party-I can see you have had a wonderful time, she only has space for a few DCs -you can play with Josh another day'. (and it wasn't 3 children it was only 2 in OP)'

'(Who ON EARTH would be crazy enough to have a childrens' party followed up by a sleepover party the same night?)

I wouldn't! However we are all different-people do-maybe they like to get it all over at once-maybe they like sleepovers. It is their choice.

Mine are older-and when they hit the real world, for jobs etc, life is tough -I have been amazed at how tough it is-and they manage better if they have coped with minor disappointments and learnt that life isn't fair from an early age.
It seems very odd to me that instead of being grateful to be invited to a nice party and having a good time the parent then looks around and says 'others had more-it isn't fair'!

' Not so nice when you're one of a handful couples coming for the 'evening only' party and everyone else's dinner dishes are still on their table. It's like...what should we do now? Wait in the hallway until we're welcome?'

This one is utterly ridiculous! It is never a handful of couples-it is like the party-it is the bulk of the guests. I went to a wedding in the summer where lots of friends came in the evening (what horror the rest of us had been at the wedding for 6 hrs!!)I didn't see anyone unhappy,the meal had been cleared and we all mingled quite happily. There was dancing and more food. It seems to me that the only spoilt person would be the one who took umbrage and was upset that they didn't get as much as everyone else. There were 2 reasons-the couple couldn't afford it and there wasn't room for a sit down meal with the full numbers. Probably we should all have stood up and had sandwiches so thet it was fair.

If mine were still at the age of having DCs parties I think I would throw in the towel and give up! You give DCs a nice afternoon out and it isn't enough for the parent because their little darling got the same as 10 DCs but not the same as 2 of the DCs. Strangely enough, it never seems to bother the DCs!

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 08:32

My goodness there is definitely a bridezilla attitude amongst parents regarding parties, my dd is 2.9 and i am dreading it. I will only have small parties for dd, just those friends that she plays with or is close to the most (mabey 6-7)and not invite the whole class, why!!!!! You cannot plase everybody and children have to learn about rejection early on in life its the way that it is. If you invite a child to your party and your child does not get invited back, just shrug it off and dont invite the next year. You have to set a good example to your dc of how to behave, if you are angry and shouting and wailing about your dc not being invited to a party, you are setting a very bad example. Hide your disappointment and get on with life.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 08:32

'and we all got our fair shair of post-party sleepovers as we all had our own little groups of friends.'

The DCs themselves are not bothered because they know who the best friends are. I had 2 best friends at school and they are still good friends today. I would have expected to have stayed for the sleepover of those 2 friends (not that we had them in my day) but I wouldn't have expected to stay for the many other parties that I went to.
I blame all the celebrity status thing these days. People can't take the fact that their DC isn't the most popular DC in the class and everyone's choice of best friend and always in the inner circle of everything. The DC themselves are quite happy to tootle on with a small circle of friends. Parents are doing them no favours by smoothing over everything to make sure that they never have hurt feelings.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 08:35

I feel for you pigletmania! It is a fairly new thing-I think it came with 'helicopter' parenting. Ignore it and do your own thing. If it upsets parents they will have to cope!

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 08:37

But i would never invite say the whole class and leave one or two out, that is why i just want to do parties the old fashioned way, a few of dds regular friends jelly ice cream at mine and mabey a childrens clown that i know of to do the entertaining as i am rubbish at doing party games.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 08:41

I will Pisces it is scarey some of the mentality of parents that i have heard of or read on the AIBU. It was so simple in my day, i remember invites being handed out and a lot of the time me not getting invited but really tbh i did not care less and my mum would not have given a damn either, less money being spent she would have seen it as he he . I think that i was invited to about 2 in the whole of primary school. I think that you have to have a healthy attitude as a parent. I really dont mind if my dd does not get invited to parties, if i did i would hide it and just get on with things.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 08:45

I never had more than 10 DC pigletmania. That immediately makes me a rude parent who is bringing up my DC to be inconsiderate because it means that we didn't return invitations. Just because someone is mad enough to invite the whole class doesn't mean that the rest of us have to have 30 children IMO. (Who would want 30 presents?-it is too much-even apart form the expense)My DSs were never friendly with the whole class-they had their own little band of friends-which altered as they got older).Maybe my DS went to a friend's party in September but by the time his party came around 11 months later they were no longer friends-were we duty bound to do the return invite to suit the parent when the DCs had moved on? We didn't, so I suppose my DC was rude.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 08:58

Exactly i could not personally cope with inviting the whole class financially and mentally , why whats the point. Its really scary reading some of the posts on here. Like you Pices as long as you feel comfortable with the decision thats the main thing. I never had a party when i was a child as my mum did not have a clue, i think it worked differently in cyprus where she was brought up.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 09:04

I shouldn't read too much into it, pigletmania, in RL I don't think that a lot of the parents are as precious as the ones on this thread.
I must go and clean the house-my mother is coming to stay-weather permitting! No doubt the thread will fill up with people telling us how wrong we are!!
Have the parties that you are comfortable with. You can't please all of the people all of the time, so there isn't much point in trying!

Original poster
MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 09:15

piscesmoon....I haven't read any precious parents on this thread woefully whining about their own child's feelings, more parents wanting to instill a considerate and thoughtful feeling in their own child to protect the feelings of other people's children. A point you seem to enjoy missing.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/12/2009 09:46

There was one thread recently on AIBU from a mum on here who was hystericalupset that her ds had not got an invite to a party of a boy that she had invited 5 times. This childlady was getting really personal about the boy, calling him the alpha male of the group, and somthing like the child of satan. This is a little boy fgs, she was more upset about her ds not being invited to the party than he was. This mum is not the only one there aer others that i have read of on here that are equally as bad. Yes if my dd got an invite to a party i would invite the child back once but not do big fat parties, just little intimate ones in my house.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 09:47

Piscesmoon are you deliberately misunderstanding the point or are you just a bit slow on the uptake? The debate has never been about how many children should be invited to a party, the debate is about 2 tier parties where some children get sent home part way through.

Some of us think it is hurtful to the children who are sent home and wouldn't allow our children to do this. Not one of us is complaining that this has happened to our children, we have all said it is something we would not do ourselves. Do try to read what is being written and stop putting your own slant on what has been said - it's getting very tedious.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 09:47

Or if not thank the parent for the invite and not go to the party.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 09:50

I think that i will start a seperate thread of this. i personally would not send children half way home so that some stay for the sleepover and some dont. I would only invite the amount of children we could manage and they all stay for the sleepover. Its like the wedding receptions, you have the A list of important people and the B list that just get invited to the evening which i personally dont agree with and did not do it that way with our wedding.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 09:56

Pigletmania - exactly what some of us have been saying, but Piscesmoon (& some others) think this is OK to do. They are entitled to have different values and bring their DC up as they see fit. What is annoying me right now is her inability to debate the actual point.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 09:59

CI....I thought I was going mad!! But I see that you see what I'm saying too, phew.

OP posts: