Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

[gotogirl]

I haven't namechanged, because I am not ashamed of asking this. It is a genuine question.

Following the thread from the mum who wanted appreciation of her parenting skills for having a good-sleeper / well-behaved 3 year old - i know it is contrary to MN netiquette to start a thread re a thread, but this is a related topic, not the same one.

Anyway, that mum suggested if it is all down to luck, she may as well pop her DD into nursery and feed her fruit shoots....cos being lucky, this "adverse" things would not affect the outcome. So, she clearly put "nursery" in the adverse category.

A few people picked her up on this and said nursery is not evil etc.

[Bear with me, this is long, I know]

My question:

does anybody genuinely feel that nursery is as good as or better than being cared for by single carer in home environment?

My thoughts: that the OP from other post is eriously misguided in thinking nursery = adverse environment. But, but....

I struggle to think that nursery is going to be better than one-to-one care at home unless home carer is ill / depressed / incapable etc.

Let's get to the point:

Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

BTW, my kids are not cared for one-to-one at hom; I work and this is not possible. but i found what I fgeel is next best thing. I myself do not think it is superior care to what they would get if I were able to become SAHM. But economic reality dictates work for me.

depends on the age of the child
personally I would think a baby and up to about 18mos they are better off at home with one main carer
after that I think a great nursery offers a lot to a toddler / pre schooler

I think it depends on the parent and the carer at the nursery - as well as on the child. I don't think there is one correct answer to your question

Just to declare interests: I am a WOHM (well on mat leave at the moment but will be soon)

DS was cared for by Grandma one day, Granny the next and then nursery for 3 days. I think this time both will offer (due to retirement / Grandads retiring) to do an extra day each week. That would be lovely, and will be fantastic to have for back up when one of the DCs is ill, but in general I like DS to go to nursery. He mixes with other children, does lots of stuff he doesn't get to try at home, is a bit more active than he is at home, and generally learns that the world doesn't revolve round him (as it does at home and with grandparents). All good lessons to learn.

On the other hand, he went when he was 11 months, which in hindsight I worry was a little too young - I would ahve been happier if he was walking and talking a bit (he was a late-ish talker) before he went.

So, it depends! When/while my DCs were very small I couldn't conceive of anything other than 1 on 1 care, by me. After about a year I feel DS has benefitted from nursery.

I have to say I feel less stressed about DD going to nursery. I feel it in my bones that she'll be an early / normal talker and her big brother will be there. PLus we've done all the stressing over which nursery, and know how the drop off and pick up is going to work, know the staff etc etc.

Well, DD's nursery had:

a giant sandpit
play climbing frame
massive messy play
story time
music time
singing time

and lots of other children.

At home she would have got:

tired mummy trying to do house work who could not have provided half the fun or stimulation she got from nursery.

When she was home in the holidays she missed her friends at nursery.

Also, I was not talented in the care of 3 year olds...now DD is six we get on fine, but I am not of the personality to spend all day with a three year old.
At nursery she got 3 ladies who loved spending all day with 3 year olds and WOULD sing baa baa black sheep 70 times in a row without going mad. I never mastered that.

Also, the social skills learned at nursery were immense and made a real difference too.

Nursery was good for my DD and much better than me struggling at home on a daily basis.

That said, there were 2 children at the nursery who were not sociable types and really never looked very happy. I do not think nursery was good for them particularly.

I have always thought that caring for your own kids was much better than putting them in a nursery. It might be necessary sometimes, but it's not ideal. No matter how good the nursery is they still have to divide up their time. They won't love them the way you do. It's a job (even though to be fair some take it very seriously)

This seems to be a very unpopular view these days, but originally it was the government that said it was 'better' not parents, and their motive was to get more people out paying taxes not concern for kids.

I wouldnt say one is better than the other, just different.

One to one at home, more love and attention.

Nursery, more life skills.

Good question, but not one I want to think about too deeply, as I had to put DD in a nursery from six months - economic reality dictated the situation for me too.

I suspect there is little difference between the two scenarios if the care a baby is getting from nursery/ a childminder / whatever is excellent.

No. IMO it definitely isn´t. But it isn´t evil, it is necessary and can be a good-enough subsitute. I work full time. I was lucky enough that mum looked after ds part time until he was a year old (dh works part time so had the afternoons with him). Then he had to go to nursery. If possible I would have done at least another 6months - 1 yr of this but i couldn´t ask my mum to continue giving up so much of her time/life.

From about 2yrs he started to really enjoy nursery (vs accepting it) and at that point I do think its good for them, and parents, to have at least a few hours a week in a nursery environment.

sorry that should be IMO of course it IS better (home vs nursery)!

do you mean by a parent or just a carer in general, e.g. a nanny?

It's a tricky one, my dd goes to a nursery, I like to think it's nice for her to be out of the house a little bit. But from a small child's perspective maybe it would be better to be at home all the time, but then you'd want to go to different places in the day to keep them entertained, so the consistency of the setting would be lost slightly. If they were at home with a nanny some days then you've lost consistency of carer. Nursery of course they've got a different setting and a different carer.

In short: dunno.

too close to Christmas for my liking for threads like this

I don't feel the nursery we use is second best to me looking after them, though the other nursery we had them in for a term most definitely was, and dropping off there every morning was a wrench.
Human beings have generally lived in extended families/tribes and I am pretty certain that the sharing of care is as old as mankind itself. My nursery-cared-for children are secure and have great social skills (which they definitely didn't get from me or dh) - I struggle to see how the outcome could have been better if I had had them at home.

I genuinely feel that a number of hrs in a good nursery are mostly beneficial to a child.
I'm a sahm and my dc have always gone to nursery part time because I believed that a mix of being at home with me and at nursery doing different things, with different people , different routines etc was a good way for us to raise them.

It depends on the child [I want an acronym for this - IDOTC]

My dd goes to day nursery 2 days a week while I work and genuinely loves it - at home she gets dragged to the shops/post office/school run or puts up with me checking my emails or doing housework and therefore she spends some time of the day unhappy but at nursery they are actually playing with loads of toys/doing craft/singing etc - in short all the stuff I did with my pfb but dont have the chance to do now.

I am a SAHM to a 1.9yo and a 3.9yo.

My 1.9yo has not been left yet and I honestly think she is better off just with me for the moment. My 3.9yo has been in a school nursery since he turned 3 for quite a lot of hours. There is NO WAY that I could have provided the fabulous stuff they have for him and particularly no way I could have provided such a variety of little friends for him. He gets a huge amount from it and was old enough to understand the concept of mummy coming back later. I know he is extremely happy there and I give him lots of love at home so I think it is the best thing for him.

I don't think nursery is ideal for babies. I think they do much better with a single carer who can give them lots of attention. But from about 2 onwards, it's generally fine depending on:
the child's personality

How long they are there

how good the nursery is

and also the parents/siblings to some extent

Totally depends on the nursery. Had my DD in one in Devizes for first couple of months after I went back to work and that was well and truly 2nd best and I hated having to leave her there. Finally got a place at a much much better one here in Bulford and I'd go so far as to say it's better for her to be there than at home with me. She gets more stimulation, more social contact with other children (as a very intelligent but very shy child I felt she really needed more of both than I could supply at home). Ideally I'd have her there maybe half of each day rather than all day as she has to be right now - but once I start my mat leave I'll be cutting her hours down to 3 or 4 a day.

Sorry forgot to add DD is about to turn 4 and has been in nursery full-time for 6 months now.

Way too many variables for any one arrangement to be the ideal for all.

DS went to nursery a couple of days a week from 8 months and has thrived over the years (in differing arrangements as our circumstances changed). He is a social animal and loves being part of a big group. I like to have time alone and sometimes I work long hours, so for us (mostly) part-time nursery has been the ideal arrangement.

I honestly cannot see a single adverse effect of this in DS, he is happy, confident, healthy and robust - there is nothing I would change for how we have done things.

Kids and parents are so different family to family there is no way of saying "This is best, do this and you will have a good outcome".

Just interested.... people who think nursery is not good for babies (say from 6 months to 18 months-ish) - what do you think we risk happening to them by having them at nursery rather than at home? What exactly do you think is better about one-to-one care? I so often read people saying 'of course home is better for younger ones' as if it's obvious, but why?

Kathy I think it's about attachment when they are v young - having a small circle of adults to attach to ie parents, GPand family, CM

Agree with boysarelikedogs re younger kids. DH is keen for me to return to work asap after this baby but I'm adamant that I want to be at home with her til she's at least 2.5. I was at home with DD1 til she was 3.5 but I think she may have benefitted from nursery sooner, but not sooner than 2.5. I think we have a great relationship because I was able to be at home with her when she was little and would worry I wouldn't be as close to this one if I didn't do the same.

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