Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

[gotogirl]

I haven't namechanged, because I am not ashamed of asking this. It is a genuine question.

Following the thread from the mum who wanted appreciation of her parenting skills for having a good-sleeper / well-behaved 3 year old - i know it is contrary to MN netiquette to start a thread re a thread, but this is a related topic, not the same one.

Anyway, that mum suggested if it is all down to luck, she may as well pop her DD into nursery and feed her fruit shoots....cos being lucky, this "adverse" things would not affect the outcome. So, she clearly put "nursery" in the adverse category.

A few people picked her up on this and said nursery is not evil etc.

[Bear with me, this is long, I know]

My question:

does anybody genuinely feel that nursery is as good as or better than being cared for by single carer in home environment?

My thoughts: that the OP from other post is eriously misguided in thinking nursery = adverse environment. But, but....

I struggle to think that nursery is going to be better than one-to-one care at home unless home carer is ill / depressed / incapable etc.

Let's get to the point:

Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

BTW, my kids are not cared for one-to-one at hom; I work and this is not possible. but i found what I fgeel is next best thing. I myself do not think it is superior care to what they would get if I were able to become SAHM. But economic reality dictates work for me.

Well there are a lot of variables!
Some kids are only happy with other kids for company
Some mums are not happy at home with their child
I think generally under 3's are better off in a home environment and I think long hours in nursery is institutionalising for children.
I am convinced that nobody could have looked after my child better than me but it wasn't possible for me to look after her full time . It's not a perfect world, we do the best we can

Having read a few posts since I posted. My DD has a balance in that she has time with me at home doing normal things and some planned activities. We will tidy up together or go shopping as well as go to toddler groups and clubs.

I have also been to collect her from nursery and seen that she is spending time just 'being'. She can choose where to go and what to look at in the same way she could at home. Not every hour of the day is regimented activity but for obvious reasons they prefer mealtimes and naps to be taken by the children at the same times. They can choose to opt out of an activity if they aren't interested.

It's also important to remember that being looked after by one carer at home doesn't mean a life of never ending monotony and social isolation!

Mine have a mix of both from 2 years old. I prefer to have themat home until two but then put the part time in nursery after two (2 or 3 mornings a week). I am a SAHM and feel that me looking after them has advantages BUT so does spending time in nursery.

I have to say that I doubt that whether or not they went to nursery or stayed home (unless one was very bad care) will really make much difference to their life in the long run.

I think it depends on the child and the child's circumstances. I have 3 children who genuinly thrived from they were babies in nursery and 1 child who I think would have been better off at home until 2 or possibly even longer.

By the time they start school you genuinly cannot notice who have gone to nursery and who have had 1-to-1 care at home.

I agree with Boysarelikedogs too - and to Kathy, bonding with the parent not a nursery worker (or several nursery workers) is wot babies actually NEED to develop and thrive. (Look up attachment - it's probably written about more than spoken about when u have a baby and it is so important).

Actually bonding is often taken for granted and we all assume our kids are all bonded with us, but if u ever get into a custody battle, be warned that 'attachment' is a big issue and working mums are especially learning that they can lose custody, partly if judged to be the one doing least childcare, or the least attached.

If u don't believe me, google 'mums losing custody'.

Not that I wanted to heap even more stress on working mums - I used to be one but currently SAHM, which I think is best for me and my 2 youngest, (nearly 3 and 4). They do go to pre-school at least 3 sessions a week and I love that time for doing housework and a little me time. I will work when they're nearer school age, but not financially viable with childcare costs at mo and I think a balance of both home and outside home environments gives best of both worlds.

In the end, listen to ur heart and if finances allow, i'd personally do part-time or not work so kids have u as much time with me as possible, if they want!

fizzpops: "The trouble is when you have a system that works you tend to think it is the best. There is no way of knowing if another might be better or equally beneficial. The only thing I can say is that my DD is secure and happy with those people who care for her and I believe she has a richer life for the added variety."

As a working mother, I would agree with that. Amen. I find it alien to have to compare whether one-to-one care is better or worse than nursery. If a child is thriving, why beat yourself up. I could not feel happy being at home with children 24/7, so I used childcare, ft nursery even. It worked, for my dcs, social animals that they are, funny that.

As fairymum says, it is not as if you can tell whether a child was 'institutionalised' or 'home-grown' once they are at school.

Lots of misguided stereotypes abound.

Home life with more than one child is hardly one-to-one care with a parent having to juggle 2 or more children and housework, chores and admin at the same time. My dcs probably get more focused and non-grumpy adult attention at nursery than from me at home.

And nursery does not involved being cooped up in the same room all day. In my dcs' nursery, they go out to the railway station, shops, have a park next door and a little garden attached to the nursery to play in.

...

derrymac, your point about working mothers losing custody is not strictly speaking a 'working mother' issue. It is only potentially an issue if a mother spends significantly less time at home caring for the children than the father. I think you will find that in homes where both parents work, say ft, it is still the mother that does the bulk of the childcare and organising of the home. So no problems with maternal bonding there vis-a-vis paternal bonding.

I was lucky to stay off work for the year after I had my DD, we can't afford for me to stay at home and tbh (don't want to be flamed) i found being at home harder than being at work! My DD hasn't slept during the day since about 6months! Even in the car for 2hrs she is still chatting away ....

My MIL has DD 2 days a week and she goes to a CM the other days (she is currently 2.5yrs old) a good CM is hard to come by, mine is a an ex-nurse/midwife which makes me feel more comfortable.

She gets a more specialised one-2-one care at a CM I feel (my mum was a CM when I was growing up). The nursery near me that is on the way to the station was awful (Staff attitude) which put me off!!!!

My CM will take her to Playgroup when she is older but I go on Mat leave March/April next week so I'll be enrolling her in all sorts of activities to keep her busy, she gets stimulation from CM that I couldn't do! Being at home is so hard, and you get all the housework/house stuff to do yawn

Sadly my MIL doesn't do anything with my DD on the days she has her (despite me offering to pay/heavily hinting sigh) so I need to get her involved in loads so when I go back after baby no 2 she has activities to keep her busy and to make her socialise better!

I don't think the right nursery is bad, but for a young baby my preference would always be a CM, for baby number 2 if my CM doesn't have 2 vacancies then baby 2 will go there and DD1 will go to Nursery!

Whoever you leave your child with you have to feel confident with there is no easy answer for anyone!

Understand what boysarelikedogs is saying but most nurseries operate a keyworker system so that children, especially babies/toddlers, are able to form a bond with a particular person who has most dealings with them.
Having said that didn't want to put my own DD in nursery when I went back to work. Has been cared for at home by my MIL 2 days a week since she was 9months. However, at 3yrs she now def needs the social side/mixing with other children.
Read an interesting book when I was first looking at going back to work and it basically said - you have to do what works for you, your child, your family at that particular time and in those particular circumstances. Kind of what works when you have DC1 may not work/be right for DC2

"It is a bizarre world where looking after someone else's children is a valid career choice while looking after your own makes you a second class citizen!"

Seeker's right, that's just so true and so mad.

I'm also not sure that small children need 'stimulation' 'socialisation' and 'stuff to do' as much as nurseries/government would have us think. A child pottering round its own house, garden, garage with a parent or carer, chatting, watching, and copying - going shopping or to school to collect older child - these things are all very satisfying and companionable and "educational".

seeker Fri 18-Dec-09 19:00:28

great post, totally agree

Personally, we decided to put the daughter into a nursery, because we felt that contacts to many other children and a stimulating environment would be beneficial for her.

Neither her father nor me would make a good housewife, so SAHP-ing was never an option. We both would get bored mindless, and that probably would affect her negatively.Care by a single person, i.e. childminder seems to provide less benefits than the nursery environment as we see it. So far we have no regrets.

In short, YABU

also, I don't agree with the comment that you cannot tell if a child has been in full time nursery or has been at home for most of the time before starting school

I've worked in childcare for years and generally find the majority of kids in FT nursery are more attention seeking than kids who have been at home with one carer. The kids from nursery seem to crave adult attention, probably because they have always shared carers with other groups of children from and early age.

do people who use childminders and nurseries really believe that the workers/minders looking after their children never get bored???? only SAHM's get bored???? come on people! these workers are doing a job, and like you or I sometimes the job bores them to tears

ssd, I don't find that at all. Attention seekers can be found amongst nursery attendees and children of SAHMs in a way that is not connected IMO. Probably more to do with the personality of the child.

In any case, I cannot imagine any effects, real or imagined, would continue into later childhood!

I don't know about later in their childhood, just about starting school aged about 5ish

ssd, of course nursery workers get bored. Not sure what your point is. I do find that if I am bored at work, I conceal it better than at home, when I get out-of-body experiences from the sheer boredom of playing cars on the floor with ds and beat a quick retreat into another room or suddenly find some tidying to do. At least at nursery, my ds can play with his friends.

I'm just fed up of posts like WidowWadmans saying how bored they would be at home as if childcare workers didn't find the whole thing bloody boring at times

When I worked outside the home I was often bored witless. Looking after small children I was often bored witless. the difference is that when i was looking after small children I was aware that i was always, however bored I was, doing something useful and constructive. I have never had a job outside the home wher I was always sure of that! And when i was bored, I still loved my child. Even when a nursery worker isn't bored, she doesn't love the child she's looking after.

I wonder how much of the anti nursery comments are actually based on experience rather than assumption.

Another fallacy. As a parent who uses nursery, I don't expect my dcs' carer to love them. My dcs are there for the stimulation, toys and company of other children. The carers are there just for ouchies, food, toilet and maybe patting for naps.

My dcs are very demanding of my attention at home, and have been even as babies when I was on maternity leave with them for a year. At nursery, they just get on with the toys and activities.

Children expect different things from nursery and their parents. Don't ask me why. That is just what I observe of my dcs.

ssd - I assume that childcare workers choose their career because that's what they want to do. I do my job because I love it, and guess what, I'm not getting bored at work. And I do find my job useful. If you don't get the same feeling from your job, it's possibly time for a career change.

I don't think it's wrong if people enjoy being a SAHP. If they genuinly do. I didn't, so it would have been not good for my family if I had decided to stay at home, just because of social convention and guilt tripping.

It's all about choice. It's there for everyone

I get fed up with people insinuating that you can't have a well-attached relationship with your child and send her to nursery, too.

I still spend plenty of quality time with my child. We have fun together at home (and out and about), but she also reaches out to her keyworker for a cuddle when I drop her off in the morning, and crawls over to me with a big grin when I pick her up in the evening.