Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

[gotogirl]

I haven't namechanged, because I am not ashamed of asking this. It is a genuine question.

Following the thread from the mum who wanted appreciation of her parenting skills for having a good-sleeper / well-behaved 3 year old - i know it is contrary to MN netiquette to start a thread re a thread, but this is a related topic, not the same one.

Anyway, that mum suggested if it is all down to luck, she may as well pop her DD into nursery and feed her fruit shoots....cos being lucky, this "adverse" things would not affect the outcome. So, she clearly put "nursery" in the adverse category.

A few people picked her up on this and said nursery is not evil etc.

[Bear with me, this is long, I know]

My question:

does anybody genuinely feel that nursery is as good as or better than being cared for by single carer in home environment?

My thoughts: that the OP from other post is eriously misguided in thinking nursery = adverse environment. But, but....

I struggle to think that nursery is going to be better than one-to-one care at home unless home carer is ill / depressed / incapable etc.

Let's get to the point:

Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

BTW, my kids are not cared for one-to-one at hom; I work and this is not possible. but i found what I fgeel is next best thing. I myself do not think it is superior care to what they would get if I were able to become SAHM. But economic reality dictates work for me.

Of course good one to one care at home is better than good care at a nursery. It's a no -brainer.

However it's also impossible for a lot of families to achieve - that's why the debate isn't widely aired. No point telling people that something that's completely out of reach is the best option for their children.

Successive governments have produced an economy where two people's wages are necessary to keep a family, then produced post hoc arguments to support the theory that communal child care is good for children.

Its like everything to do with child care-one size doesn't fit all. All DCs are different and what suits one won't necessarily suit another, even within the same family.

I am a SAHM mum, but DS2 still goes to pre-school for 10 sessions per week - so 8:50-3:20 5 days per week in school term time.

I feel that this is the best thing for him. DH is in the Navy, so has been away for about 20 months in the last 24. DS2 being in pre-school gives me some space, so I am a better mum for the rest of the time. Because I don't work, housework, cooking, domestic tasks etc etc are all done during school time. Weekends and holidays are devoted to days out and fun things. Everything else waits until the next week.

However, he was 3 when he started, I do feel that smaller children probably do better at home. On the other hand, DS2 is a horror at home, and was v.v.v.v.clingy until starting pre-school It has done him the world of good to realise that the world doesn't revolve around him!

I think it depends on the child, dd1 hated nursery so i took her out and didn't send her until the summer before she started school (to prepare her for school life), nursery taught her a lot more than i could at home and gave her a great start in life, dd1 started school being able to read and write.

Dd2 gets a lot out of nursery, she has Autism and before starting nursery was completely non-verbal, going to nursery and being around very verbal children has helped her speech and she is now only a few months behind with her language skills. I wish i had sent her earlier.

I think a child needs a mixture of the 2, its great for them to have 1:1 attention from a parent but its also important that they spend time around other children and learn to socialize.

I don't like the idea of putting a young baby (under 2) for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, i feel that if you want children then you should spend time bringing them up (not getting someone else to do it for you) but each to their own, at the end of the day its what works for the family.

Peppapig - I think being at nursery in the circumstances I describe is dreary because it is one building and maybe one garden all day every day, with a few trips out per term thrown in.

Children at home don't usually stay in the house all day. They are out and about with their carer - walking, in cars, on the bus, going to toddler group, visiting friends, shopping, school runs, visits to the park, swimming etc. Or at least the sahm children I know are (I realise, of course, this is not the case for every non-nursery child).

Well it depends on how good the carer is. Being a parent doesn't make you good at looking after children by default. I, for example never did as much with my pre-school children, nothing like as much as my CM and later, D#2's nursery did. They prepared for a day with the children like a military excercise - loads of things to do, lots of routine - whereas I tended to muddle along. Some people are just not good at playing and doing with children - I wasn't, when they were small.

And you might argue that it's good for kids to have children around them.

Being a mother doesn't make you good with kids, you might love them to bits but that doesn't mean you always give them the best environment or stimulus.

Oh and sorry but luck comes into it too. You can't 'train' a baby to do everything right. They aren't dogs.

I come late to this thread and confess I haven't read the replies but I think it depends greatly on the carer and the nursery.
A good nursery is better than a bad carer but even a good nursery can't compete with a good carer. There is some old government research that backs up the home v nursery benefits if only I could remember the source name.

The OP did say "good carer" and "good nursery". Obviously a good nursery is better than a bad carer.

I'm interested in the fact that so many people say that nursery is good because "they do so much more with them". I am not convinced that children want or need to have lots of stuff "done with them". I think that they need to spend a lot of time just 'being'. And that's what it's very hard to do at nursery, however good.

totally agree with you seeker. Good point

All day, all week nursery for small children (before they can talk and make themselves understood to people beyond immediate family) is dull and limiting. Far more fun and far more stimulating to be at home and round and about town with one loving, stimulating carer.

Agree with you entirely Seeker. That was my point really. My instinct is that little kids just need to hang out doing normal every day stuff. Like walking down the street and saying hello to the cats. Or posting a letter. Not 10 hours of routine and timed activities. They get it at school soon enough for 11 years.

Agree seeker. We tried nursery with dd1 for a few hours a week when the baby was born and she absolutely hated it. This quiet calm child would have hysterics and hit herself at the mention of the place (and it was an acknowledged "good" nursery). The nursery staff finally admitted that some children were just not right for it and she was one of them. She just wanted to be home with me. We binned it and a year later she turned 3 and is happily ensconsed at pre school (a quiet calm environment with older staff) which she loves. Not one tear has been shed she skips off and has fitted in beautifully. For her she was not able to cope with the noise and hub bub of group care until she was 3.

I think (and apologies if I repeat things as I haven't time to read the whole thread)that it depends on the type of care and the child. DS went to daycare at 4 months old and has loved it from day 1. (I wasn't keen on him going so early but it was either work or lose our house, unfortunately.) He has always been a sociable little guy who is happiest on the go and around other people.

However, he doesn't go full time. Right now (he's 2.5) my brother drops him off at 8:30, after DH and I have gone to work, and I pick him up around noon. So he gets to play for a bit, sing some songs, eat lunch and come home. I don't want him in daycare more than 20 hours a week so we had to work around that.

I don't think 24/7 at home is the best option always- I work in an elementary school and some of those children have a very heard adjustment period- but I don't think that 50-60 hours a week in daycare is ideal either.

hard adjustment period, excuse me.

Also I do agree with seeker about the importance of "just being". The boys I nannied for years ago had been in daycare 55 hours a week since they were six weeks old. It was very hard for them to find things to do at first; they expected me to always have activities planned and to tell them what to do b/c they hadn't had a lot of unstructured time.

While I'm questioning orthodoxies, I'm not so sure about this "getting ready for school" thing either. They change so much between 3 and 5 that it's a moot point whether the ones who go to nursery then skip into school without a backward glance would have done so whether they had gone to nursery or not.

But as I said, this is an uncomfortable debate, because for most people it doesn't matter which is best - they have no choice. And that's where the debate should be. Until a person who looks after his or her own children is given the respect by society and recognition by the benefits and tax system that someone looking after someone else's gets the question will remain academic.

I think that 'just being' is very important and unfortunately it is difficult to do in a nursery.

I feel very lucky that I was able to stay at home with mine until they were school age and we didn't have to be timetabled. I think that we should support those who use nurseries because many have no choice and it isn't very helpful to undermine what they are doing.

I agree, piscesmoon. It is a bizarre world where looking after someone else's children is a valid career choice while looking after your own makes you a second class citizen!

Seeker you make some interesting points but I don't agree with your comment that good one on one at home is better than good nursery.

I choose nursery over being a SAHM for multiple reasons.

Perhaps it is down to personality types though as you say that you think DC needs to be at home to do the 'just being' thing. I would love to agree but one day of a weekend is enough for my DS to do 'just being' and then the energy overdrive, imaginative mind, messy play, social elements take over and we have to engineer activities, outings and playdates. Its not sustainable 24-7 so he definitely benefits from a more varied week with contrasts. I'm the same in terms of busy busy activity and action all the time, hence not choosing to SAH!

Sorry didn't mean my last comment to read as if SAH isn't busy and active... just not the kind I prefer to the things I do in my working time.

It's what I said earlier, Facebookaddict, one size doesn't fit all. There is no point someone staying at home if they hate it.

True. (don't hate it, just happy to do it half the week and use my brain the other half knowing my DC are using theirs and loving every minute but then I think I am very lucky with the nursery set up)

and crucially I work part time so get to play at being a SAHM without the neverending monotony

I haven't read all the answers on the thread but I have thought about this a lot over the last year (since my DD started nursery at 8 months old). When I decided to go back to work part time I was apprehensive about nursery. Fully expected lots of tears and a real struggle and have been pleasantly surprised to find that for her it was definitely a positive experience rather than the next best thing that I had imagined.

Assuming you are happy with the nursery you choose I wouldn't say one was better than the other only different.

DH and I think we have a good balance for our DD. She is in nursery 2 days a week and with my mum for another day and I am at home with her for the rest of the time. I would probably feel differently if I had to send her to nursery for 4 or 5 days a week as I do feel it is a long day (in our case at least).

But nursery provides large toys we don't have access to, lots of children and socialising with other adults, loads of messy play which I wouldn't do as often if at all at home, different foods and the 'peer pressure' to try them all and more chances to run around outside. I could go on...

The trouble is when you have a system that works you tend to think it is the best. There is no way of knowing if another might be better or equally beneficial. The only thing I can say is that my DD is secure and happy with those people who care for her and I believe she has a richer life for the added variety.