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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge for Christmas lunch?

313 replies

katie3677 · 14/12/2009 12:36

My parents are away this Christmas and as we are housesitting for them we will for once have space to have all of DH's family over for Christmas lunch (10 adults, 7 kids), so have all been invited. Last year DSIL did Christmas lunch at her house and I helped. We were all tasked with bringing something, and whilst she did the main course, I did starter and Christmas pudding and brought champagne (well, prosecco actually) for Champagne cocktails. DBIL's girlfriend was tasked with bringing wine, but rang me at midday on Christmas day to say could I bring wine as she had drunk it all the night before. She promised to pay me for it but never did.
As a result, I have decided this year that instead of divvying up jobs etc, (which didn't work out fairly at all last year) that I will charge each adult £25 towards the cost, no charge for the kids, and I will do all the shopping, cooking and preparing, so all they have to do on the day is turn up, eat and drink. I thought this was quite a kindness, but DBIL's girlfriend has taken issue with this and I am struggling to get themoney off most of them up front.
We are by no means rich and it would cost me a fortune to do Christmas lunch for this amount of people, so I thought this was the fairest way. AIBU to think that this is fair?

OP posts:
lowenergylightbulb · 15/12/2009 10:43

LOL Crumpet!!!

But seriously, if in october someone had said 'you and your family can come and do xmas here for £25 per adult...and you've got no cooking/shopping/planning to do' I'd have jumped at the chance!

Original poster
katie3677 · 15/12/2009 10:50

Ijustwanttoask... I am also a Good Christian, will be attending Midnight Mass with my 2 kids on Christmas Eve to make sure they know what it is all really about, and would go again on Christmas Day (I love Church over Christmas) if I wasn't also trying to cook the whole meal. I have also donated £50 to our local homeless charity for Christmas food, so it is not about being mean or stingy.

To try and put an end to this thread: I offered to host Christmas for DH's family as we would have space that none of the others have this year. I made it very clear that financial contributions would be needed if people wished to come when I invited them back in October, they ALL accepted the invite knowing those terms. It is only now that a couple of them are kicking up a fuss and being difficult about handing over the money. We enjoy each others company and will be happy to all be together on Christmas Day, especially as all of my family are abroad this year.

I am not going to force the issue and refuse entry to anyone who doesn't give the money up front, but it won't be fair if some people give money and others dont. I am not going to compromise my, or their, standards and serve up a bloody chicken or Iceland rubbish to make it cheaper. If there is money left over then it will be handed back to them, if it costs more than £250 I will cover the extra cost.

Asking people to bring stuff is not an option as proven last year.

So my interpretation of this thread is that AIBU to charge for Christmas lunch, but AINBU having let them all know in advance that this was the case and perhaps could have phrased it a bit better when I invited them.

Hope that clears things up, I'm off Christmas shopping now, have a good one everyone .

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 15/12/2009 11:11

katie, i was no way implying you not a good christian, especially as im a rubbish one!

So hang on then, its only one couple who wont cough up? well, suck it up then, they will feel bad - fuck em!

I would personally however, much much prefer a chicken than turkey - but thats just my opinion.

Seriously though - forget this thread, enjoy your day (and make sure you make it clear who the tadwads are!!! and water down their wine!!)

belizabus · 15/12/2009 11:24

Once bitten, twice shy. If you hadn't been taken for a mug last year, you wouldn't feel this way this year. You have made your decision, stick to your guns. If they don't like it, let them try and find somewhere else to eat and drink as much as they like for that amount. Good on you.

booksgalore · 15/12/2009 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSantosnotSanta · 15/12/2009 12:51

I think it's fair enough. I suppose £25 is quite a bit but you seem to have done your maths. People seem to be confusing generosity with ability to pay. I presume you will still be doing all the hard slog in the kitchen, plus all the clearing up afterwards. My family offered money towards the meal I am hosting because it means we can have nicer stuff. I know we're not supposed to get into competitive poor-ness competitions on MN these days but FGS some people just can't spend £250 without noticing it

MrsSantosnotSanta · 15/12/2009 12:53

Oh and happy Christmas Katie

Beachcomber · 15/12/2009 12:57

Katie just to let you know I think you sound like a very nice, normal, reasonable person from the way you have been on this thread.

Some posters have said pretty unkind things to you on the basis of very scant information and you have responded with grace and good humour.

I don't have much advice about the Christmas meal but I live in France and we always chip in here and I know it is a common way to do things. My MIL tends to host Christmas as she has the biggest house, she does most of the shopping and we all pay a set amount per adult. We also ALL bring things such as wine, a pud, home-made paté, stuff like that. We help to cook and clear up too.

Everybody thinks it is fair like that and I don't think any of us are grasping enough to wonder if we are 'getting value for our money'.

aokay · 15/12/2009 13:02

Really funny - would like you to invite my sister who notoriously asked mother to lunch if she brought it - told us we'd have to bring a picnic for sunday lunch and also said only come if not raining - we don't ask her to christmas lunch! Either be hospitable or stay small but you cant charge - even thinking about it is hilarious. I've been very poor and you budget beforehand and then buy what you can! Happy christmas.

aokay · 15/12/2009 13:04

sorry - should have read all posts before posting -

Original poster
katie3677 · 15/12/2009 13:24

Thanks Beachcomber, I am

OP posts:
cloudspotter · 15/12/2009 13:24

You could suggest that instead of bringing things, everyone chips is something. Then tell them about how much it is costing and as what they think is reasonable.

I have always offered to contribute cash if someone is cooking xmas dinner, because I know how expensive it is. Its always been turned down though, and have brought wine, cake etc instead.

I think it is going too far to levy a charge per head tbh, and I think that although I can see how unfair you feel it has been in the past, just say no if someone doesn't bring their bit.

cloudspotter · 15/12/2009 13:27

oops, just read the last few messages. I got as far as about page 4 before I posted.

It sounds as though you are right if you had warned them in advance that you would need the contribution.

God, isnt' money a horrible thing to end up disagreeing about? It's amazing how hurtful it can all end up being.

ladymarian · 15/12/2009 13:57

OMG! I am cringing for you.

Just call it off if you don't want to cook for that many people.

I agree that it could be costly but you just CAN'T ask people to pay for a meal at your house.

Pikelit · 15/12/2009 14:07

It's a hilarious idea! Didn't Mike Leigh write a play along these lines...? Or do I mean Dickens?

But in reality YAB totally U. It's not a question of getting assistance with the costs, it's the grim materialism of how you've planned to deal with the task. I can just visualise the scene where the non-payers are invited to sit in in the dustier corners of the dining room while the rest of the family try and choke down their extraordinarily expensive Christmas lunch. (Have you decided at which age "children" qualify as going free, incidentally?)

funwithfondue · 15/12/2009 14:27

YANBU Katie. On the contrary, I think you're not only reasonable, but also pragmatic. And the family should be glad they've got someone to host.

I think everyone needs to get over the horror of talking about/asking for money. It's not a taboo fgs.

As one poster from France said, it's quite normal in other countries. I think it's just an old British hang up that's not very 21st century - or recession friendly.

Have a good one!

djVIXEN · 15/12/2009 14:37

I am 100% in support of Katie.

These people are your husband's family, so it shouldn't be rude or awkward asking them for £25.

Everybody wants to have Christmas dinner together and the 'everybody brings something' approach hasn't worked in the past; asking for money is a fair, practical idea. It means you are in control of the planning and preparing.

Stick to your guns. I wish you all the best, and i bet by the end of Christmas night everyone will be congratulating you on a good job.

T x

sinat54 · 15/12/2009 14:43

I actually agree with you!!!
When we get togetherwe are a family of 14 adults and 5 children. We did a similar thing last year, all the adults paid £20 and sister and hubby hosted and did all the cooking and shopping. We helped out with some veg prep day before.
Everyone was happy to pay and we brought wine/soft drinks as well.
Would cost alot more if you went to restaurant and we all tooklefovers for boxing day!!!

ChoChoSan · 15/12/2009 15:19

OP I suppose the upshot, is that...yes you can ask for contributions, but some people will be a bit miffed to be asked about it.

I personally would not want to say to my son or brother that I dont want to come and spend Christmas with him unless it is all laid on free for everyone, but I quite like big get-togethers, and I am very conscious of the extra work and effort laid on by the host.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 15/12/2009 16:52

I think saying asking people to bring things is 'not an option' because of last year is a bit OTT to be honest. Perhaps you're being a little controlling?

I've just read your OP and you only mention one couple who didn't bring anything. So it seems an exaggeration - that has been repeated a lot on this thread - to say that last year didn't work out becaue of people not bringing contributions and tarring your ILs all with the same brush.

It is one couple who are spoiling the party. But everyone else is paying the price.

daisydora · 15/12/2009 16:54

I am certain katie will be treating all her guests equally no-one being treating differently or given chicken if they haven't coughed up. She was upfront with her family from day one, and if they haven't got the good grace to pay after they have agreed too is just rude and bloody tight-fisted imo

Hope you had a lovely day shopping

justaboutisfatandtired · 15/12/2009 16:57

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SantasKinkyKnickers0nMaHead · 15/12/2009 17:09

Not forgetting the current financial situation. I'm not suprised they are grumbling about it tbh.

justaboutisfatandtired · 15/12/2009 17:10

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marmitetoastie · 15/12/2009 17:12

Hi Katie,

Well you know what they say, it aint what you do, it's the way that you do it.

You could have discussed it as a family before you dictated the solution.

go back to your family and tell them what the problem is, explain the costs involved with such a big get together, and that you didn't get reimbursed last year by the gf. which you had felt was a bit tight of her. tell them how much you want to spend xmas with them and make them feel like they are important.

Then listen to them help you find a solution that is more pleasing to everyone.

You will be paying for the whole lot unless you get them on board. I would expect they'll stay at home rather than fork out for this.

happy xmas and good luck with it. x