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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge for Christmas lunch?

313 replies

katie3677 · 14/12/2009 12:36

My parents are away this Christmas and as we are housesitting for them we will for once have space to have all of DH's family over for Christmas lunch (10 adults, 7 kids), so have all been invited. Last year DSIL did Christmas lunch at her house and I helped. We were all tasked with bringing something, and whilst she did the main course, I did starter and Christmas pudding and brought champagne (well, prosecco actually) for Champagne cocktails. DBIL's girlfriend was tasked with bringing wine, but rang me at midday on Christmas day to say could I bring wine as she had drunk it all the night before. She promised to pay me for it but never did.
As a result, I have decided this year that instead of divvying up jobs etc, (which didn't work out fairly at all last year) that I will charge each adult £25 towards the cost, no charge for the kids, and I will do all the shopping, cooking and preparing, so all they have to do on the day is turn up, eat and drink. I thought this was quite a kindness, but DBIL's girlfriend has taken issue with this and I am struggling to get themoney off most of them up front.
We are by no means rich and it would cost me a fortune to do Christmas lunch for this amount of people, so I thought this was the fairest way. AIBU to think that this is fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 20:02

Chocolate I like it!

OP posts:
confuseddoiordonti · 14/12/2009 20:07

Bit late to reply now this thread is on the 10th page, but I don't think it's unreasonable at all.

You are putting an enormous effort in, and are not loaded so asking everyone - and perhaps it would be different if there were only 4 adults coming - to chip in isn't awful at all. Am quite surprised at the responses I read really, (only read the one's on the first page though.) It's just having a kitty for something that would be massively expensive otherwise - everyone chips in, you can get more for your money and nobody is grumbling in the kitchen.

Sorted!

mummyloveslucy · 14/12/2009 20:08

It does seem fair, but wrong at the same time. If that makes sense.

Georgimama · 14/12/2009 20:16

There probably isn't much point in saying this, but YABU. You don't invite people to come to your house as your guests, and then charge them. If you told them up front (as you now claim you did, but did not make at all clear in your OP) that they would be expected to pay, you can hardly be surprised that they are exercising their right to say "actually, no ta." I could easily do a very very good Christmas lunch for me and DH plus the little DS eats for less than £50.

I am having my family to us for Christmas, I expect they will bring some wine, but they are our guests. I'm not running a restaurant, and I'm certainly not "cordon bleu trained" as you claim to be. Mind you, I wouldn't dream of asking my guests for money, and they wouldn't dream of coming empty handed, so perhaps we've just all got better manners, and like each other a bit more than your lot.

warthog · 14/12/2009 20:17

actually, now you've filled us in on all the details i don't think you ABU.

in fact i think £25 for food and unlimited drink is very reasonable, esp since you're trained an all.

can i come?

IsItMeOrSanta · 14/12/2009 20:17

I haven't read past page 1 yet, as am giggling too much.

But so far, I think I'm the lone voice saying YANBU. MIL used to ask us for contributions to Christmas spread and we paid happily whatever she asked us for.

Since we have been hosting for a few years, we don't charge as we earn a lot more than MIL and SIL, and it means we can buy higher quality things without feeling guilty that we are passing the cost on iyswim.

DH thinks £25 is a bit steep though. But none of us are big drinkers and it wouldn't ruin our Christmas if we didn't have a drop of alcohol in the house.

sybilfaulty · 14/12/2009 20:27

Katie, you poor love, you have had a very rough ride.

I think you should be sainted for having the troops round to you, doing all the cooking, clearing and hosting when some of them have in the past been rotten guests who turn up empty handed! It is so much nicer to be in at a house rather than a restaurant and presumably your family knows that you are not made of money so can't afford food and booze for 10 thirsty adults plus kids?

YANBU at all. You are not asking them round and then asking for payment but merely asking them to share in the costs so you can do a fabulous lunch for them all.

I hope that you have a great time and are suited lauded and appreciated by them when the time comes.

ps next year - DH and kids only .

scottishmummy · 14/12/2009 20:34

cycling christ,feed them on a budget you can afford with a happy heart or dont do it all

so suggest people bring wine etc

shop tesco,aldi,iceland etc - you are already spending £25per head =£250 for adults.so reduce down costs to manageable amount

but charging is tacky and can be avoided by guests bring wine and you greatly reduce budget

grenadine · 14/12/2009 20:38

Please post some photos of the feast on Mumsnet!

Vivia · 14/12/2009 20:42

Katie, the problem here is that you (unintentionally?) revealed by stealth. Had your OP mentioned that the guests were warned in October or that you are a trained cordon bleu chef the responses would perhaps be different.

I would say, on reading your OP, YABVU. However, given the context, I would say it's acceptable to say 'guys, could you chip in?' Putting a definite price on the day becomes problematic: it removes intimacy and kinship. Maybe just update them with an email 'all happy to chip in?'

JInglesBells · 14/12/2009 20:57

nice to see some more posters agreeing..
I reckon you should send out a little email along the lines of....
Hi all..
I gather that a couple of you are upset at the thought of chipping in for Xmas...I am sincerely sorry about that, I didn't mean to upset anyone, however I'm sure you'll all understand that I cannot afford to cater for the entire family on my own. Please can you let me know if you'd like to come on Xmas day and let me have your contribution so I can hit the supermarket.
DBil's GF is just a tight arse... she thought she was a getting a freebie, cheeky mare.

IsItMeOrSanta · 14/12/2009 20:59

Ah, now read to the end, and can see the tide has turned and common sense has prevailed. God bless us, everyone .

lisianthus · 14/12/2009 20:59

Katie, I originally thought YABU and a bit inhospitable, but having read your clarification that the chipping in was part of the invitation, I apologise. YANBU.

Also, £25 is very fair for the costs you are incurring, as you seem to be picking up all the incidentals and the booze, both of which mount up hugely for a Christmas Day do.

HOWEVER, I don't think this solution will solve your problem. Your problem is that you have people in your DH's family who like to freeload. The one you have mentioned is DBIL and his girlfriend (who drank all the wine last year and conned you into paying for replacements, and are now objecting to contributing anything towards the costs this year). Other members of the family such as DSIL seem fine.

You need a strategy which means that the freeloaders are clearly identified and no-one else has to either carry them or suffer because of them.

The best solution, as far as I can see would have been to do a round robin clearly identifying who is responsible for each part of the dinner, then if they fall down on it, it is clear that they are the culprit. The only problem is that everyone else suffers because they also have to miss out on what the culprit should have brought.

I don't think getting people to bring their own wine would work either.

This is a toughie. The answer will depend entirely on whether your priority is to make sure that everyone has a great lunch (in which case the "good relatives" are going to carry the bad ones) or to make sure the good relatives aren't ripped off, in which case everyone is going to miss out on something.
Which is it? (and good luck!)

PoppityMerryGentlemen · 14/12/2009 21:12

Ok, Having read that, I think your OP was misleading.

Really what you have done is said 'let's all get together at Mum and Dad's as we can all fit, I don't mind cooking, but I'm not buying it all'

They all said yes, great! But now they won't pay.

Hmmmm. Tricky. I think you just have to be blunt then. Looks like you hve a flair for it anyway

Sorry you have been flamed, by me also, but it didn't seem to be the story it ended u being initially.

My sister has invited us all for Christmas this year, we reluctantly accepted, usually me or my Mum do Christmas(no charge). A couple of weeks ago she announced to me and my Mum that we would need to be there by 10 to do the cooking, and could we please bring the veg, turkey etc etc. She has the cheese and biscuits
I thought you were of a similar make.....seems not.

Good luck!

Swedington · 14/12/2009 21:33

You could always get totally hammered and serve 18 of these with some home made cranberry sauce and M&S pigs in blankets.

Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 21:33

Sorry if my original post was misleading, I obviously didn't manage to include all of the facts, or spell them out clearly enough.
I'm glad the tide has turned a little, I was really beginning to think that I was a shallow and tight individual that people didn't enjoy being around .
Since everyone except the DBIL and GF are absolutely fine about giving me the money I think that many of you are right and they are the freeloaders. If they haven't given me the money by the end of this week (which us when I asked for it) I will give them another option, to bring something but not an essential as like I said, they probably wouldn't do it anyway.
Will post photos of the sumptious feast if I get time to take any on the day!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2009 21:41

Or you could send an email to EVERYONE in the family thanking dbil and his girfriend for the kind offer of bringing the pudding.

That way they will be exposed as the true tossers they are.....

saggyhairyarse · 14/12/2009 21:43

Rather than charging everyone, when everyone bar one did bring what was needed last year, tell people what you would like them to bring. Then stress to your DB GF that you really do need her to bring what she has been asked to bring because you can't do it but if she has a problem with that then she can give you the money and you will get it.

ageing5yearseachyear · 14/12/2009 21:47

disagree with most

friend of mine hosts xmas with mega sleepover for her parents, 3 sibling/ other halves and kids. they all chip in £50 per adult. they can specify if there is something they really want. they also do a secret santa, so each adult gets a gift for £50.

friend orders it all from ocado- they all help over the couple of days- cooking/cleaning/entertaining kids.

so it can work, but only if you have that type of family. if you dont it will never work!

why is it you are spending christmas with these unreasonable people?

Plumm · 14/12/2009 21:49

I haven't read all the replies, but I think you're right - when my mum doed a big family christmas dinner we all give her monet towards it.

Why should you pay for all the food and do all the cooking? If they've already proved they can't be trusted to bring something then they should give you the cash to do it.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 14/12/2009 21:49

Have read the whole thread.
Some good points made on either side
But on balance, I think YABU.

Yes, you warned them, yes it will cost a lot. BUT you have taken advantage of your IL's hospitality at Christmas before. And yes, you brought things, but to the tune of £50 for your family? Really?

You're setting a precedent now.
So in future, if someone else host's, they'll think they have the perogative to charge and they might well go with £25 a head as that's what was set before. But the next hosts probably won't be trained chefs, and they might not do starters, or nibbles for later, or lots of alcohol. Which may leave people, including you, wondering if they're getting value for money. Indeed, your relatives may well be thinking this at your do. Which is a horrible way to view Christmas.

jemart · 14/12/2009 21:50

Not exactly in the spirit of the season is it?

We hosted dinner for 12 relatives last Christmas and were by far the poorest of all at the table. They brought extra wine and beer (though we had got lots in anyway) and my Aunt provided the turkey.
I won't be hosting that many again for a while because it was manic, but it was a lovely family gathering.

Curiousmama · 14/12/2009 21:59

Having read your original email it doesn't sound quite so bad. But am I right in thinking it's only one couple who are tight? So if you'd done the 'everyone bring something' type of meal then it'd probably have been ok?

Can't understand people not wanting to contribute cash if you've already agreed on it? It doesn't sound weird now you've said that. Having said that I don't think I could charge. I fed 15 the other night but luckily someone brought desserts as she offered and everyone brought booze except the teetotallers. They'd have done without desserts if she'd forgotten and it'd be tea and juice if the booze had run out

Anyway I just hope you get it sorted soon as it sounds very stressful.

Curiousmama · 14/12/2009 22:01

Poppity That's awful!

Curiousmama · 14/12/2009 22:02

Scottishmummy she's already bought the main food as it was all agreed before in October. Plus she's a cordon bleu cook.