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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge for Christmas lunch?

313 replies

katie3677 · 14/12/2009 12:36

My parents are away this Christmas and as we are housesitting for them we will for once have space to have all of DH's family over for Christmas lunch (10 adults, 7 kids), so have all been invited. Last year DSIL did Christmas lunch at her house and I helped. We were all tasked with bringing something, and whilst she did the main course, I did starter and Christmas pudding and brought champagne (well, prosecco actually) for Champagne cocktails. DBIL's girlfriend was tasked with bringing wine, but rang me at midday on Christmas day to say could I bring wine as she had drunk it all the night before. She promised to pay me for it but never did.
As a result, I have decided this year that instead of divvying up jobs etc, (which didn't work out fairly at all last year) that I will charge each adult £25 towards the cost, no charge for the kids, and I will do all the shopping, cooking and preparing, so all they have to do on the day is turn up, eat and drink. I thought this was quite a kindness, but DBIL's girlfriend has taken issue with this and I am struggling to get themoney off most of them up front.
We are by no means rich and it would cost me a fortune to do Christmas lunch for this amount of people, so I thought this was the fairest way. AIBU to think that this is fair?

OP posts:
HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 14/12/2009 17:34

Katie, I know you keep trying to justify it and respect due for standing your ground but the majority of people really aren't going to see this from your point of view.

tanmu82 · 14/12/2009 17:38

yup, a mean spirited lot that would rather have one person do all the work and pay for it all, whilst they sit back and fill their bellies, then go home to their tidy homes, having enjoyed their free day, whilst OP is left with cleaning up and no money after having spent her Christmas slaving after a bunch of freeloaders. Shame on you all. OP, like I said before, tell the lot of them it's off and enjoy your day with your DH and DC

It seems that it is considered distasteful to ask for help toward the financial burden, yet perfectly acceptable for family to act in such a petty, selfish way. She isn't asking to be paid or to gain from this in any way. What is the prob with you lot?????

Thingiebob · 14/12/2009 17:41

I think the landslide YABU comes from the original post which read as if she had invited family and THEN asked for money.

That isn't what happened.

Surely it is unreasonable to accept the terms of the invitation then refuse to pay up at the last minute?! As Bibbety says - she doesn't like the idea so wouldn't accept so why is it reasonable for certain family members to accept then try to get out of paying money at the last minute after Katie has purchased the food and drink. That's just bad manners and very stingy.

Rindercella · 14/12/2009 17:42

To the posters who have said that those who think the OP are mean are mean themselves as the guests should contribute to Christmas, I don't think anyone is disagreeing with you. Of course it is extremely rude to not offer to bring something/turn up empty handed if you are going anywhere for lunch, let alone Christmas lunch! All the years we had Christmas at my parents', I would always ask my mother what I should sort out - it was usually the starters - and we would also take 3 or 4 bottles of wine + champagne (this was pre-DC ).

Just because the vast majority think Katie is BU to ask for a specific monetary contribution per person, it does not mean that was think her guests should just turn up empty handed.

Katie, I think that perhaps with retrospect you could have handled this a little better - even the wording in your original email wasn't ideal imo. Perhaps offering options to people would have been the way to go, and then making sure everyone knew what everyone else's duty was so that there was no getting out of it.

pranma · 14/12/2009 17:47

£25 a head is an enormous amount of money.We ate out in a lovely restaurant in Chester last week and it was £24.95 a head including a glass of bubbly and a monce pie afterwards-the menu was great and the food excellent.You want £250 to do a meal at home???Mean I'm afraid.

pranma · 14/12/2009 17:48

mince pie obviously

Thingiebob · 14/12/2009 17:51

I want a monce pie.

AvengingGerbil · 14/12/2009 17:52

pranma, the OP has made clear many times that her family will be expecting a whole lot more to drink than one glass of bubbly. How far does £25 go in a pub? Not a whole lot of rounds for SEVENTEEN people, I think. And that's leaving out the food.

Thingiebob · 14/12/2009 17:53

Er, but there is ten of them and they're not just having one glass of bubbly are they?!

tanmu82 · 14/12/2009 17:54

Pranma, did your kids eat for free? Did you get to continue grazing on their food all day? Were you allowed to lounge on the sofas and watch the TV? How about the kids being able to run around free and play games? Only 1 glass of bubbly? for the whole day? And all that for only 24.95 Great Restaurant! where is it? I'd like to go myself (sarcastic emoticon needed)

Do the math

ClaireDeLoon · 14/12/2009 17:54

Plus restaurants change way more on Christmas Day because they have to pay their staff more. The OP is giving her time for free.

Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 17:56

I've checked and the cheapest Christmas day menu round here is £25, for three courses and no booze. That is excepting McDonalds, Strada and Pizza Express

OP posts:
OtterInaSkoda · 14/12/2009 17:58

Absolutely, tanmu.

I find all these objections pretty odd tbh.

I think there's a problem with the wording though. Rather than "AIBU to charge for Christmas lunch?" perhaps "AIBU to expect everyone to chip in?". Katie your sil tried the everyone-bring-a-thing thing last year and it didn't really work. You presented a fair alternative for this year.

YANBU and I'm utterly bemused by the reaction you're getting!

OtterInaSkoda · 14/12/2009 18:01

ps can we come instead of your BIL's tight-arse GF? [hgrin]
pps What's your sil's take on it all?

OtterInaSkoda · 14/12/2009 18:02

f grin of course ( )

nannynobnobs · 14/12/2009 18:04

They all accepted your invitation which meant they were happy to share the cost. The original invite didn't sound like anyone was being pressganged into coming- it left them free to say they'd make their own arrangements.
Being slippery now about paying up means they are being unreasonable, not you.
Thinking of all the little things I'm buying for five adults and two children, it's already adding up and I'm not going overboard. Providing a whole day's worth of food and refreshments for 17 people- and knowing how much kids pick and graze all day too- I'd ask for either food or cash too! And OP has already made clear that they were unreliable with bringing food contributions.

StrictlyKatty · 14/12/2009 18:05

I'd probably not go if someone invited me but asked me to pay. It's not the money, I always bring things, but would feel really cold like they only want you as long as you won't cost them a penny

ChoChoSan · 14/12/2009 18:07

God, I think it's hilarious the people on here who think "if you can't afford to pay for the whole day yourself, you shouldn't invite anyone"...not particularly communally spirited...but maybe I am an old socialist . I think it's jolly nice if someone says, "hey...we have the space this year to have the whole family over, but can we all chip in for the cost?"

Hasn't anyone else done this? I did it with student friends whilst at uni, and still now if a load of us were descending on one of the group for a big weekend get together, we send a couple of folks out to the supermarket, load up with food, booze and everything we need, and then split the cost. Most of us have enough cash, but some don't have the space to host a lot of people, and know large gatherings always happen at the same people's homes everytime. This way they needn't feel bad about it.

tanmu82 · 14/12/2009 18:13

finally some people with sense have arrived!

shootfromthehip · 14/12/2009 18:23

I don't think it's that the people with sense have arrive, merely that the OP has revealed more about the circumstances. 'Charging' for Christmas dinner is BU however asking people, in advance, to chip in in a structured way is NBU.

It all still feels a bit odd though.

figrollinthehay · 14/12/2009 18:24

Hang on, if this is the time you have been able to invite everyone, what usually happens at Christmas? If you have been going to them all these years, have they been charging you?

figrollinthehay · 14/12/2009 18:25

Sorry, meant 'if this is the first time you have been able to invite everyone ...'

girlafraid · 14/12/2009 18:35

Asking upfront does change things a little but
I agree with Katty that it feels really cold - and I am also an old socialist ChoChoSan

I would decline the invitation (and quite honestly probably feel glad I didn't have to go, you don't sound very much fun to be honest)

Am also a bit that your SIL managed to drink all the booze last year, something doesn't ring quite true about that and believe me, I can drink

SeaGreen · 14/12/2009 18:39

i think the one of the points OP was making is that last year the chipping-in-in-kind system didn't work. so there's no point talking in responses about how "my family is always happy to pitch in" and "i could never ask them to pay because they would always get something for the table or help clean up".
clearly this has been tried and has failed.
i don't know why people think it's so rude. it isn't a birthday party where people have to pitch in to attend.
tanmu82 , ChoChoSan , Thingiebob, with you on this one.

FourArms · 14/12/2009 18:43

I would have no problem at all with this if you were my SIL.

My sister and I (we live opposite each other) will be somehow hosting xmas together for my family (two adults, two kids), her and her DH, our parents, my in-laws and another sister. So 9 adults and 2 kids. I've already started buying stuff, as has my sister. So we've got crackers, biscuits, chocs, stuffing, sauces, cheeses.... but most of it will be bought in the last two days. My mum keeps saying to keep a track of what I've already spent, but I haven't. The final shopping bills will be split equally though, and my mum and dad will bring a bottle of brandy and whisky, as they're the only ones who drink masses of spirits. This is much easier than people bringing various things from the far ends of the country. We've done it this way since we were earning and living away from home. Sometimes at my house, sometimes at my parents, and sometimes at hired places. Always works well.

It was DH's 30th last year. We hired a huge house, and invited lots of family. I think there were 14 adults and 5 kids altogether. I said upfront that we'd pay for the house hire, but could everyone split the bills. I meant for the food, but everyone misunderstood, and thought we expected to split the house hire too. And were happy with this, because we're a family that enjoys getting together. It ended up that each couple contributed £40, for which they were fed and watered (bringing their own alcohol) from Fri night to Sun night. Was IBU? I hope not!