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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my step daughter out of my life

85 replies

Pissedoffandfedup · 05/12/2009 21:23

After living as a single mum I finally met the man of my dreams. We moved in together three years ago and my kids love him and he loves them.

He has a daughter from a previous marriage, she is seventeen years old and I'm starting to hate her. She comes to visit every other weekend and she spends holidays with us.

From the start she was being awkward and rude but instead of it getting better it's gotten worse.

She always sits next to her dad, kissing and cuddling him like a much younger child. She slaps my children, criticises my cooking, my looks, my kids. She has taken money from my purse, "borrowed" my makeup, poured expensive perfume in the loo and blamed my youngest, killed my other childs goldfish by putting chemicals in the water and many many other things.

I've tried to talk to my partner but he wont listen and is refusing to believe that his daughter could do anything nasty. He says that if he has to choose between me and my kids or his daughter he will always choose his daughter. And she knows it. I can't see a way out of this except for breaking up with my partner. Which I definitely don't want to do!

OP posts:

CybilLiberty · 05/12/2009 21:26

Have you spoken to her?

CybilLiberty · 05/12/2009 21:27

And...of course he would always choose his daughter if it came down to it

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 05/12/2009 21:30

At 17 she's technically still a child. You don't say how long he was separated for before you got together, chances are she's not adjusted to her parents being together and does not have the maturity to accept that her dad is with someone else. You are the adult here, try seeing things through her eyes.

E45 · 05/12/2009 21:30

Good grief, have the private schools broken up already.... or have we just been invaded by pimply yoofs ?

OrmIrian · 05/12/2009 21:30

" He says that if he has to choose between me and my kids or his daughter he will always choose his daughter"

Well what's wrong with that?

Would you really love a man that dumped his child?

Fruitysunshine · 05/12/2009 21:30

Yikes.

YANBU to want her out of your life. However the likelihood is something totally different.

IF it were me (and I have stepchildren) I would be gone like a shot if my husband said he would choose his children from a former relationship over REALLY trying to fix issues all round.

It makes you feel like 2nd best or unimportant/not as important and affects your self esteem. It is something you have to decide that you can life with.

By the way if I ever saw a stepson of mine slapping my children my husband WOULD know about it and if he did not immediately take them to task then he would be packing his bags. It is not about control, but self and mutual respect.

PrincessToadstool · 05/12/2009 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EndangeredSpecies · 05/12/2009 21:33

in answer to your question, yanbu

It sounds like a horrible situation, you have my sympathy. It's primarily your DP's job to teach her respect, have you asked him why he isn't willing to do that?

If it was me I'd leave the house with my DCs as soon as she walks in, and come back when she goes. Unfortunately she's going to carry on behaving like a 3 year old as long as there's someone to rile.

littlesez · 05/12/2009 21:34

YANBU to be angry but you are never going to get what you want of her being out of your life. She obviously has issues people dont behave badly for just no reason. Talk to your partner dont give him an ultimatum as you will lose.

Wolliw · 05/12/2009 21:34

If she slaps your children, call the police. If she steals from you, call the police.

You have to accept them as a unit, so they both have to move out.

Put yourself in you children's position. Would you want this girl in your house?

One position some single parents take is to completely seperate their romantic sexual encounters with the domestic. They do not invite anyone to co-habit and do not introduce them to their children. Some people find it very liberating and it means they have an adult only realtionship.

If you don't mind her walking all over you, that's your problem. You have to take off your rose tinted glasses and stand by your own kids.

msrisotto · 05/12/2009 21:39

So when you tell him you saw her slap your child, he refuses to believe you? Serious thinking to do if so.

BelleDameSansMerci · 05/12/2009 21:40

But, you will, of course, put your children first too. I'm sorry, I have no experience of this but if a 17 year old girl slapped my daughter she would not be welcome in my home. And, frankly, a 17 year old is hardly a child.

zanz1bar · 05/12/2009 21:43

Its horrible for you but YABU

At 17 some girls are just awful, selfish,self centered, rude etc. She may be even worse to her Mum.
I presume your Dc are younger, just don't count your chickens.

But you are the adult.

You want to create a family unit with your Dp and that has to include his Dd and yes she will always come first.
So just sit it out, turn the other cheek and wait.
My Dsd is 20 now and has had a total personality change in the last 2 years.
She is lovely now, really, really lovely.
And I am so glad I didn't jeopidise all our relationships.

Take the long view.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 05/12/2009 21:47

Has all this stuff been lately, or over the last 3 years?
Nobody likes to believe that their children are capable of nastiness - separated/divoced parents don't have the corner on that market.

I think you need to distance yourself from the emotions of it, and try to concentrate on whats underneath. If she is still in pain over the divorce, etc, then your dh ignoring her behaviour won't help her in the long run.
There shouldn't be talk of "choice" etc - and don't forget it could be YOUR kids in a few years who give you/him heartache. Would you give up on them? Would you want your dh to?

So, be firm, but perhaps try and be kind to her too - like it or not, she is part of your family.

msrisotto · 05/12/2009 21:50

She can be a part of the family if he disciplines her, just 'cos it would be her over you, doesn't give him a reason to let her behave appallingly.

kinnies · 05/12/2009 21:56

last time I heard, she was 14.

Ronaldinhio · 05/12/2009 21:58

she is a child and she may still be testing boundaries with you

speak to her calmly about her behaviour, ask at the same time if there is anything that you do that makes her feel unwelcome, on edge, strange around her father
Discuss things with her to allow her to move toward adulthood

Teenagers criticise everything, it is part of their job description, but very wearing.
Explain that you'd rather she doesn't chastise your children
It may be that that is what she grew up with or something that is acceptable in her family. Lots of sisters and brothers slap and play rough with each other it is up to you to set the boundaries of what is acceptable
Also a lot of teenagers "borrow" clothing, make up, money from their significant adults.. again you really must let her know that you don't like it.

Half the problem is that we never explain action and consequence to teenagers.
This has to be something that you agree with your partner and then explain to your sd.
Explain what behaviour you don't like and how it makes you feel

Ask her for her opinon and listen to it.

If it is something that you can't bear explain it and explain the consequence of her breaking those rules in the future now you haqve had a chance to discuss.
The consequence should never be exclusion from seeing her father or only under v v extreme circs.

How she sits next to her dad or behaves toward him and discussing his choosing her above you sounds as though you are in competition with a child

I would suggest that you examine that feeling in yourself. It's natural but you have to see that your behaviour will help to shape a young life for good or bad and that you owe her to behave calmly and as an adult in full control of your emotions
She still has emotions she has no idea about and you need to be calm, firm and kind to her

Therefore (sorry this is so long) I think yabu

hatesponge · 05/12/2009 22:10

Of course her father would choose her.

Her behaviour is awful. But surely you have to look at the bigger picture. You don't say when her mum and your DP split, but I'll assume it was a few years before you met him - so this girl has gone from having mum and dad at home, to dad leaving, to dad then meeting you, and moving in with you and your children, all during the time when she's moving from a child to an adult. Being a teenager is hellish for many, especially when there's all this stuff going on at home.

I expect she is probably jealous that your kids get her dad all the time, while she has to make do with alternate weekends...is it not possible for your DP to spend more time with her? Has he ever offered to? Do your children see their dad - if so could their visits not be co-ordinated with hers so she gets some time on her own with him. Or cant the 2 of them go and do things on her weekends?...it sounds to me like she feels unwanted, and is taking this out on your kids.

Its not an easy situation. I'm a single parent myself and share residence with my Ex. I know I would feel very uncomfortable about being with someone who had any less access/time with their DC than me. Which I suppose is why relationships like those Wolliw refers to exist, as it does make the whole thing much easier.

Shineynewthings · 05/12/2009 22:11

I understand where your frustration OP but imagine how things must appear to her. Was/is she his only biological child? When my parents split up my father married the other woman and had two more kids. I felt like there he was spending all his time with his other family and now I was second best.

I can imagine that your SD is feeling the same if not worse. There's the Daddy that she previously never had to share and now he spends most of his time, love and affection on another woman and her kids. You're the adult, put yourself in her shoes.

Also I think that as her Dad he should go out of his way to spend time with his daughter alone without you and your kids around, and you should encourage it. They should have one on one time. She has that right, especially as she's going through the awful teens. I really resented that whenever we visited our father we were always surrounded by my SM family.

Shineynewthings · 05/12/2009 22:13

cross out where

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/12/2009 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kinnies · 05/12/2009 22:18

shine
do I get a prize?
I spotted 2 in 2 days!!

EndangeredSpecies · 05/12/2009 22:20

How very annoying socd. Are you sure? I was grieving for the goldfish...

wildfig · 05/12/2009 22:20

is this something to do with a box room?

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/12/2009 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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