to want my step daughter out of my life

[Pissedoffandfedup]

After living as a single mum I finally met the man of my dreams. We moved in together three years ago and my kids love him and he loves them.

He has a daughter from a previous marriage, she is seventeen years old and I'm starting to hate her. She comes to visit every other weekend and she spends holidays with us.

From the start she was being awkward and rude but instead of it getting better it's gotten worse.

She always sits next to her dad, kissing and cuddling him like a much younger child. She slaps my children, criticises my cooking, my looks, my kids. She has taken money from my purse, "borrowed" my makeup, poured expensive perfume in the loo and blamed my youngest, killed my other childs goldfish by putting chemicals in the water and many many other things.

I've tried to talk to my partner but he wont listen and is refusing to believe that his daughter could do anything nasty. He says that if he has to choose between me and my kids or his daughter he will always choose his daughter. And she knows it. I can't see a way out of this except for breaking up with my partner. Which I definitely don't want to do!

[BitOfFun]

Hi LEM

What a loopy place to meet!

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

Not really up to her to accept you though is it? Thbing is, your behaviour is making it impossible for your DP to discispline his daughter properly - because it would definately feel like he was joining your vendetta. When your 17 its pretty shit anyway - but to have to accept that your dad has a new woman, but not only a new woman but new children who he is acting like a father to, full time - how the hell do you think she feels?? If she is doign thing like fishicide then she probably is in quite a bad way and needs help.

Anyway, not sure whether to take this thread seriously or not. Thing is, what will happen is this - your DSD will get pissed off, probably stop visiting her dad because of the way she is made to feel, she will grow apart from him and believe me - there will be a resentment in his heart that will never go away.

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

what you mean? where i get sucked in by yet anotehr troll?? lol how are you??

[BitOfFun]

All good here- considerably more problems than the troll OP, but I keep smiling as I am not a wanker easily floored

[Pissedoffandfedup]

How can you know how she is made to feel? Why do you think I have a vendetta against her? It's completely wrong and either I have failed miserably to explain myself or you have just misunderstood.

There's no need to take this thread seriously and I have no desire to try to prove that its true. I needed to vent my frustrations and get some opinions on her behaviour.
If it is more or less normal for a 17 year old to be difficult then at least I can use that thought to tell myself that maybe she doesn't really hate me as much as I think.

Grateful for the replies and will try harder to be understanding.

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

i can only go by what you post on here, and you said yourself you hate her, thats a pretty powerful emotion to cover up, if that is true - she knows, and probably hates you for that.

But yeah, its the law that all 15-18 year olds have to go through a stage of absolute vileness, with or without wicked stepmother issues.

you might get a better response if you rethink the way you post you might actually get some useful advice - post on the teen section, ask for some positive advice. Its never going to be perfect, but unless you want to poison your relationship with your DP permanently you need to be the adult here and ask yourself why this child is being so vile. Her self-esteem must be rock bottom.

[Pissedoffandfedup]

I see what you mean. But I did say "starting to hate her" not really thinking that hate is a very strong word.
I think I might try the teen section would be very interesting to find what young people in her position or similar actually think. I seem to have forgotten what it was like.....

Her self esteem is very low, I know that for sure.
Anyway, gosh I'm drunktired now but feel better for having spat it out and for being talked to by sensible ( if sometimes harsh ) mums.

[Pissedoffandfedup]

hm drunk was supposed to have a line over it, trying again
drunk

[SolidGoldpiginablanket]

Oh FFS this isnt the wierd troll with the unhealthy DP-his DD relationship.
OP I do sympathise with both you and this girl, but also with your DC who have a right not to be slapped and have their pets killed. Can you talk with your DP about setting acceptable rules for all the DC wrt behaviour eg no hitting, no damaging of property, no namecalling etc, with agreed sanctions for any breaking of the rules?

[ThumbleBells]

Did your DP leave her mother then? is he suffering from guilt over that, which is why he won't discipline her or hear a bad word about her? How long ago did they split up?

Are you the first woman your DP has been with since the split with SDD's mother? Or have there been others in between?

And how old are your DC?

Your SDD does sound like she is attention seeking but killing someone else's pet is beyond anything that should be considered "acceptable teen behaviour" - it's utterly nasty. Does she object to coming to stay every other weekend?

I can understand your feelings BUT you are going to have to try and put yourself in her shoes to see how she feels - yes, she might have had 3 years to "get used" to you but 3 very hormonal and crap teen years, where every little thing can be taken as a slight, an indication of hatred, or an indication of weakness. Teens can be utterly vile (I know, I was) even when step-situations aren't involved.

Where possible, let her get on with it by herself, if your DC don't like being with her, then don't force them to be. DON'T make it apparent that you don't like her being there as your DC might try and foster a divide (I'm quite sure they're just as capable of lying as the next child) but perhaps organise for them to be out playing with friends at least part of the time to minimise contact. If they don't mind being with her, then let them get on with it.

I agree with SGB - you need house rules for ALL DC to abide by, though.

[Brink]

no advice op but good luck

you have had some great posts i hope it goes well

ignore the troll hunters tis very boring now

[MarioChristmas]

I dont think this is the Box room troll, because last time the DSD was pregnant.

[dejavuaswell]

A thread I wanted to read - so I did.

I thought I might contribute to the thread until the suggestion that the OP was a repeat troll. I am now equally cross about the troll hunters and the OP and yet both cannot be wrong! I think on balance the troll hunters, unless they had clear proof, should just have reported the thread and walked away.

And now of course I've spent (wasted) time posting a non-contribution to this thread.

Is Match of the Day over yet?

[MsDoctor]

It sounds as if your DP is putting his dcs first but you're not putting yours first at all. If this girl is truly so bad and her father doesn't see it then you MUST end the relationship. The true cost of her behaviour is the damage and influence that affects your dcs.

[Jujubean77]

She is absolutely out of order imo - slapping your children? You must protect them from this, how do you think they feel.

I would leave the relationship, calmly and nicely until the issues are sorted out.

[Fruitysunshine]

The welfare of your children is just as important as the welfare of your SDD. All children have had to get used to another adult in their parents lives and just because it is deemed "more difficult" for one particular child does not mean the rest of the kids should have to put up with nasty behaviour.

I agree with earlier posts that organising plans with your friends for through the day, taking your children with you is a good way of giving your kids space and not exposing them to the negative behaviour of your stepdaughter. THAT means that your partner can then spend some one on one time with his daughter and try to help her resolve some of these issues that are over whelming her.

If it were me, I would be organising a full day out when sd is going to be at home doing a variety of things. Maybe go swimming in the morning, go to a friend who has children for lunch and an afternoon gossip then setting off home and treating the kids to their dinner out with you then getting them off home and bed/bath time. I know it sounds like a really busy day but it would be worth it not to have your children (or yourself) exposed to your SD's behaviour.

Allow her father to deal with her on his own. That way you cannot be criticised and your relationship should receive a bit of breathing space without ultimatums being issued.

Good luck.

[Pissedoffandfedup]

Yes, Fruitysunshine!!! That's exactly my thought, that my kids deserve understanding and compassion too but it's really hard because I feel that my partner doesn't take my kids needs at all seriously the minute it's to do with his daughter.

To clairify the fish incident..she did admit to pouring a cleaning fluid in the tank but says she mistook it for the stuff we use to de chlorinate the water. I know she's lying but at least she has realised that killing my childrens fish is out of the question. They have new ones and my step daughter does feed them and acts as if she feels remorse for her actions.

I know I made her sound evil in my first post that's because I was so angry after what happened yesterday. My stepdaughter seemed to be in a good mood and then she said Why dont we go out for a family meal tonight? My kids went YAY!! ( they're always trying to please my step daughter and they want her to love them )
My stepdaughter then said" I meant my dad and I."

Thumblebells, yes my partner did leave his wife and I am the first serious relationship after they separated. also,my stepdaughter does not at all object to the weekend visits, she sometimes shows up during the week as well. Sorry this is too long.

[Pissedoffandfedup]

It's obvious that I have to take lessons in how to post her, need to learn acronyms and such.

[Pissedoffandfedup]

P.S I feel that I'm playing with a "weak hand" because my partner is not the biological father to my kids. I'm thinking that if we had a child together it would make me more "equal". Am I loopy for thinking like this?

[ThumbleBells]

So does he feel guilty for leaving his DD then? If so, you might need to somehow have a calm and quiet word to him that his guilt doesn't mean that he can let his DD get away with bad behaviour, that is not going to do her any favours longterm. She needs to learn respect and boundaries or she will become a spoilt brat.

It sounds like she enjoys coming over then - so seems mighty odd that she wants to potentially jeopardise all that by being vile. Does she get on ok with her mum? Are you at all like her mum (just wondering if she is transferring all her mum-based anger to you as well).

Your DH has to get to grips with this situation, he really does - it is totally unfair on your DC to be put in this scenario, especially if they are trying their best to be friends with her.

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

She feels threatened by your children, i bet yours probably feel threatened by her. Maybe you could spend some time on your own with her. My DP is DD1s step dad and there were always problems - especially when i was around, whenever they did stuff on their own together it was fine.

You need to lay down ground rules, rules that apply to all of you - so that whenever your DSD visits then she is a member of your family (tell her this) your rules - they apply to everyone.

She sounds like she is bieng manipulative, just like 17 yos are, but tbh, it sounds like you are playing into her hands.

She's jealous and that is a horrible and toxic emotion, but its not her fault, its up to you, and actually more importantly your DP to handle this sensitively - you all need to be on the same side.

It wont be easy - good luck xx

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

oh and let me tell you - the child together thing - LOOPY!!! im speaking from experience DON'T!!!

[Pissedoffandfedup]

I guess it must be guilt. There were some upsetting stuff when we first moved in together like my step daughter calling her dad in the middle of the night and crying and saying he's a horrible father to have left her and her mum.

My partner said later that the calls were instigated by his ex, but still. I think I'm very different to his ex in some ways, I'm quite slapdash with housework and prefer to play with my kids or read a book rather than get on with "duties".

My stepdaughter has her own large bedroom at ours with TV and sound system. My partner lets her drink wine at our house something her mum is very much against.

[Pissedoffandfedup]

Thank you all Ijustwanttoask...I suspected as much..but the temptation!!