to want my step daughter out of my life

[Pissedoffandfedup]

After living as a single mum I finally met the man of my dreams. We moved in together three years ago and my kids love him and he loves them.

He has a daughter from a previous marriage, she is seventeen years old and I'm starting to hate her. She comes to visit every other weekend and she spends holidays with us.

From the start she was being awkward and rude but instead of it getting better it's gotten worse.

She always sits next to her dad, kissing and cuddling him like a much younger child. She slaps my children, criticises my cooking, my looks, my kids. She has taken money from my purse, "borrowed" my makeup, poured expensive perfume in the loo and blamed my youngest, killed my other childs goldfish by putting chemicals in the water and many many other things.

I've tried to talk to my partner but he wont listen and is refusing to believe that his daughter could do anything nasty. He says that if he has to choose between me and my kids or his daughter he will always choose his daughter. And she knows it. I can't see a way out of this except for breaking up with my partner. Which I definitely don't want to do!

Your DP HAS to stop this! He shouldn't be letting her do stuff that her mum has forbidden, that reeks of "please like me, please forgive me, I'll do anything to make you happy". He has to remember he is still her PARENT and act accordingly.

And I agree with ijustwantto - loopy. Get this situation resolved first, a new baby will just add fuel to the problems.

I don't know how step mums do it...

I mean, if they split up the original family, they deserve all the crap that comes their way,,,, but if they get together with the father when he's already divorced and the children are still bitches to her,,, then I don't know what the answer is,, I don't know how I'd handle it. I'd probably handle it by not handling it. Sort of ignoring her, short of setting the table an extra place when she's there.

if she says something catty turn up the tv. if she slaps your child accidentally spill a glass of water over her!

Oh, how I know that my partner is doing the wrong thing.
I won't stick my neck out ever again to tell him this because it always ends up in a row. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I also think my partner and his ex have a very toxic relationship these days, it 's like they're in a competition or something.

And he keeps saying that his daughter will soon be 18 and then she can do whatever she wants and he's not going to stop her from drinking wine, smoking or whatever and lose her friendship with him.

Thanks for all your support were going out now. AS A FAMILY. Fingers crossed

I know what you mean about not sticking your neck out but he is NOT his DD's friend, he is her FATHER. He has to realise this and start acting accordingly. Dozy git.

Being a SD myself, i know from experience how challenging step families can be. My parents' divorce was pretty bitter and caused lots of upset for me and my brother, but we were pretty well behaved and plus we did not have to deal with any step siblings... I think most step families have to accept that you are lucky if you can have a really good relationship with step children, especially when they are teenagers! i was a fairly well behaved teenager, but still had plenty of storming out sessions with both my dad and my mum and SDad, and periods of not speaking to my dad for months because he took my step mum's side on stuff. (We were generally well down his list of priorities, so not in the same boat as your DP and SD...) Even now, there are times when the situation still causes resentment, and my parents have been divorced for over 20 years! But you just learn as you get older to paint on a smile and get on with it. I don't think your SD, regardless of being a teenager, should be able to get away with really bad behaviour, but you have to accept that she may always feel a bit jealous of what she views as her dad's new life with you and your children and being a teenager probably just heightens those feelings...
Hope you can get to the bottom of it-good luck!

Hi there,

I have purely signed up here to send you a message!

Some of the responses you have received are appalling! Sorry i have not managed to read all of them, but definately your partner should be supporting you and standing by you! At the end of the day YOU are his partner and come first end of!, If you do not have a strong united front together and right foundation you will always struggle. The love you have for children is different, on the same level but all have different needs. For people to say, the child comes first is ridiculous! I am sorry to hear what you are going through and unfortuantely it is so common now, I myself suffer at the hands of my partners daughters and do not want them in my life at all, but they are his children and part of the package you take on. However you have to lay down the rules and show a united front, otherwise all they will do is cause division and pull you both apart. Its really tough, but saying he would choose his daughter over you is so wrong, and must leave you feeling second best, not acceptable at all, you should be priority in his life, he would not say that to his ex wife would he??? your a team and if you work together, short term it will be hard but long term you will gain so much and make you both stronger. If you have not been together very long, then you need to be just patient, until he realises he has to change HIS ways otherwise he will loose you.

Sorry I am at work at present, so this is a rush job, typing very quickly but i have complete empathy with your situation. Keep strong and deep breaths. My partner is sooo soft, but he is wonderful, he is trying to be firmer bless him, above all he re assures me how important I am, even though its frustrating sometimes I have to put up with so much rudeness. She tries it on constantly, but we are getting stronger by the day, so hoping eventually she will realise her bahviour is not acceptable, we want to be a family, and if she does not want to be part of that and just cause havoc she is not welcome end of, although her mother encourages it, so makes it difficult aswell. But we will get there and just remember she will be 18 soon and into different things, let her dig her own grave, they normally do. But stand up to her if she ever touches your kids! you need to protect them, dont stand for it, and shame on your partner if he sits on fence and does nothing.

Sorry waffling but as i said I read briefly your comments and felt for you xxx

I don't agree that you come first as his partner. I think that, if he had to choose, he should choose his daughter - IF you made him choose! Which it's clear is not what you want. You want peace! I see that you don't want to push his daughter from his life and I don't think you're a horrible person at all. I understand this must be difficult for you.

He probably does feel guilty, but he needs to set boundaries. He is not helping his daughter to deal with the situation, he is giving her the message that he supports her view of you as the enemy.

Don't leave your purse unattended, don't leave her alone with your children. I know it's hard but can you try to remove yourself emotionally for a while? Just step back? Be nice, be calm, be kind. Remove the risk to your children, remove the opportunity for her to steal and just let her comments wash over you. Easy to say, not easy to do, but atm she probably sees she's getting to you and she'll carry on.

She's 17 - they're all difficult at that age. If her parents were still together, she'd be giving them hell it's what teenagers do.

paloma1 why have you signed up purely to post a message on a thread that is nearly 3 months old.... you must have trawled through pages and pages of AIBU to find it