Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my in laws are a bit loopy?

151 replies

mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:06

OK, I would never normally post here but I genuinely would value some opinions on this - not that it'll change anything, but it would be interesting to have outside perspective to add to mine and dh's perpetual debate on the oddness of his father.

My in-laws, we've recently found out, have over £500 000 in savings. This doesn't include their house or pensions. They are semi retired and live a fairly frugal life, through choice - no exotic holidays or expensive hobbies.

So, they are just sitting on this big pot of money doing nothing with it.

Dh and I are doing OK, and I'm in no way spinning a sob story as I know we're a lot better off than a lot of people, but things are a bit of a struggle. We have 2 dcs in a 2 bedroom terrace house, I'm going to have to go back to work for more days than I'd like to after maternity leave (possibly full time) as I'm the higher earner, and dh has worked really hard going to college for the past 2 years to retrain as he hates his job, but may well be in a position where he can't afford to take the plunge into his new chosen career because it will mean a drop in salary.

So, AIBU to think that the inlaws could help us out a bit? Apparently MIL would like to but FIL thinks it's his money that he's worked hard for and he shouldn't be expected to give it away. I do see his point, although I do think things were different when they started out. However, what really pisses me off is that he's not enjoying it, he's just sitting on it, and if they aren't going to bloody spend it what's the point? We'll inherit one day anyway, but won't need it so much then.

My family are not well off, but if my mum could give us anything to help get where we want to be (a slightly bigger house with a garden bigger than a postage stamp for 2 energetic boys and dh in a position to be able to start his own business) then she would, and that would give her pleasure.

Everyone I know who has a decent sized house, can afford to be a SAHM, isn't counting every penny, had a helping hand at some point.

So go on, hit me with it - AIBU or are the in laws weird for wanting to hoard their pot of gold?

OP posts:
Morloth · 02/12/2009 20:09

No you are weird for thinking you are in some way entitled to it.

ClaireDeLoon · 02/12/2009 20:10

YABU it is their money and if you carry on thinking this way all that will happen is you will get more and more bitter towards them.

You just need to accept what your FIL believes and let it go.

loonylady · 02/12/2009 20:13

I really hope my little ones dont grow up to view their mum and dad like this!

Morloth · 02/12/2009 20:13

He is enjoying it in any case, he is enjoying knowing it is there in case he ever needs it.

We have a nice house, rent in a different country, I am a SAHM and we have never received anything from anyone (well they did feed us sometimes when we were at uni and living on pot noodles). Suck it up, grow up and start building your own pot.

Don't count on inheriting it either, they might spend it all before then or leave it to someone/something else.

mankymummymoo · 02/12/2009 20:13

Their money. They have worked hard for it. And probably struggled for it too.

You need to go down the same route yourself.

BeatRoute · 02/12/2009 20:14

I expect you're going to be told that you ABU to expect any kind of help and they shouldn't have to give you anything etc, HOWEVER, FWIW I DO think they should help you out. I don't think you can ask though, and you'll have to suck up whatever the outcome is.
My folks have helped me out many times and they have nothing like the money your ILs seem to have. I was always told by my parents that they would do whatever they could for me (without me becoming a spoilt brat) but it sounds like your ILs (or specifically your FIL)aren't that type of person. Sorry chuck, YANBU but there doesn't seem to be much you can actually DO about it. You would BU if you tried to force them into helping out.

random · 02/12/2009 20:14

YABU

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:14

I don't feel entitled to it. It just is absolutely the opposite of the way my family think, and the way I feel about my own children. If I could do anything to help them in the future I like to feel I would. Just shows how different families work I suppose.

OP posts:
mankymummymoo · 02/12/2009 20:14

and dont assume you will inherit it, they may give it away to charity for all you know.

LynetteScavo · 02/12/2009 20:15

The thing is, they didn't aquire that amount of money by being generous, did they...so you can hardly expect them to suddenly start giving their cash away.

If, as you say you are doing OK, then I think you just have to accept your lot.

I think your FIL is enjoying his money, by enjoying the feeling of security it gives him.

TBH I think you are very lucky to inherit it one day....I pretty sure my mum has similar money stashed away, but I don't expect her to leave any of it to me. (Would be nice if she did though! )

So, to sumerise, YABU.

(And how do you even know they have that much money?)

Bigbadmummy · 02/12/2009 20:16

From a practical point of view if your in laws both died tomorrow (God forbid) your hubby would lose 40% in inheritance tax.

So why don't they pass it to you now to avoid Gordon getting his grubby paws on it?

My parents have been doing that (rather than leaving my kids money they have paid to educate them privately etc).

My in laws give my hubby a few thousand every year too.

It is daft to be sitting on the money for no good reason.

bibbitybobbityhat · 02/12/2009 20:17

"Everyone I know who has a decent sized house, can afford to be a SAHM, isn't counting every penny, had a helping hand at some point."

Well you don't know me personally op but dh and I are in this position and we have never had a penny from our parents.

I understand what you are saying, though. But, how do you know how hard they worked/ how much they had to sacrifice when they were your age?

Perhaps they are now saving it all to pay for extra super lovely nursing home places when they get very old (those places can be £1500 per week you know).

daisydotandgertie · 02/12/2009 20:17

YABVVU - it's their money. They've worked for it and are are entitled to do just what they want with it. It's none of your business how much money they have, or what they intend to do with it.

Actually, I am really shocked that you think you are entitled to any of it.

And you know, when they die, you still might not get your hands on it.

maxpower · 02/12/2009 20:19

I'm afraid YABU. Like others have said, it's their money, they can do with it what they want.

Having said that, it sounds like you're the kind of person who, in their shoes, would help out. Unfortuately, you have to accept that they are not of the same mind as you. Just because people you know have had a helping hand, doesn't mean you're entitled to one. Sorry.

diddl · 02/12/2009 20:19

Good grief!

What if one of them goes into a care home or they want a live in carer?

It´s their money that they have earned & they are entitled to do what they want with it!

And here´s a heads up-not everyone gets where they are with financial support from parents!

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:20

Thanks BeatRoute...I know there's nothing I can do, nor would I want to, and I fully expect to be told IABU.

Morloth - lucky you.

Loonylady - I was being flippant with the loopy bit - I actually get on really well with them. I just don't understand their philosophy on life.

OP posts:
Morloth · 02/12/2009 20:22

Indeed.

daytoday · 02/12/2009 20:24

I don't think YABU to think this, but YABU to dwell on it seriously.

I am sure your FIL has some deep rooted reasons for thinking the way he does and perhaps you shouldn't underestimate how important seeing this money might be to him. A life's work - so to speak.

Also, maybe they don't want to give you any financial assistance just yet, in your life.

Money can really cloud emotional relationships.

diddl · 02/12/2009 20:26

Also, perhaps they don´t think you need helping out?

MorrisZapp · 02/12/2009 20:27

Can't blame you for wishing they'd bung you some cash - I know I would if I had rich inlaws!

But not much you can do I guess. As others have said, leaving the money sitting doing nothing is an end in itself for people like this, it makes them feel secure.

My dad hardly has a pot to pee in himself, but when he gets any windfalls he gives us all a wee kickback.

It does make life that bit sweeter so keep on having the daydreams - one day they might bung you some!

othermother · 02/12/2009 20:27

Lucky Morloth? For having done it all herself without having had any help? rolls eyes

I've never had any financial help either, or practical help for that matter... I don't feel particularly lucky, cos it's been hard a lot of the time, but I'd never expect anyone else to pay my way for me.

edam · 02/12/2009 20:27

Bigbad, the taxman won't take 40%, the surviving in law will inherit and then when they die the heirs will get £650k free of inheritance tax.

Mamad, it's a moot point anyway because there is absolutely no guarantee that any money will head your way, I'm afraid. Don't count on it. FIL will probably leave it all to charity or spend it on a mistress if MIL dies first, or it'll go on nursing home fees...

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:27

I can't keep up...the thing is, they've been very open about the fact that they will leave it to us (and yes I know we are incredibly lucky that we will inherit it one day, nursing home places or family fall outs notwithstanding) and FIL has put all sorts of measures in place to ensure it doesn't all disappear in inheritance tax - don't ask me what I haven't a clue.

It's not my family so I know I have no right to expect it, I'm not bitter and I don't think I'm portraying myself as a spoilt brat who feels a sense of entitlement because I'm really really not. It's dh I feel sorry for really - he's worked incredibly hard to get out of the career he hates and support from his parents would make it possible much sooner. However they've not supported him in any other area of his life so I suppose IABU to expect them to start now.

OP posts:
edam · 02/12/2009 20:28

(They will get up to £650k, obv. if the ILs leave less than that the taxman won't make the figure up to £650k!)

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:29

edam ROFL at the thought of FIL with a mistress

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread